Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on February 17, 2010 at 1:02pm

Maggie I am so sorry for you loss. How old was Steven? I know the pain of suicide I live and breath one day at a time as God gives them.. that's how I get thru it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Yvonne

Permalink Reply by SUE on February 17, 2010 at 8:34pm

Maggie,
I truly am sorry you have reason to be here but I am glad you found us. This is a safe place, we all understand, even if our relationships are different we get it. Your post caught my eye because I lost my only brother Steven the same way. Please please be gentle with yourself. You are fragile right now and I hope you have lots of support. Theres is so much to learn and endure on this journey, I wish that on no one. Please ask for help when you need it, lean on others here and home and above all else only do as much as you can handle.Its one breathe, one foot in front of the other, just baby steps. Im here for ya if I can be of any help...Im a good listener Maggie.
Sue

Permalink Reply by mcynthiamartinez on February 19, 2010 at 1:20pm

Maggie, my name is Cynthia and I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my fiancee the same way almost a month ago. We just buried him 17 days ago. And it is still so hard to deal with. I like you want to just go mad, I want to scream, I still find myself in denial. I mean although we have laid him to rest. I still find myself at times hoping he would walk in through my front door. Jerry, my fiancee was my soul mate, he was the love of my life, but most important, he was my best friend. And when he left, he took a big part of me that just doesn't want to go on living at times. Continue to visit these rooms, because the support is amazing. And let family and friends be there for you in these difficult times. God Bless You and your loved ones.

Permalink Reply by Maggie on February 20, 2010 at 5:52pm

Thank-you all for being here. Right now Steven's friends are having a "celebration of his life". I don't want to celebrate his life. I want him here living it. Why would someone do this? I just could not go and be part of that. I still expect him to walk in the door. I still can't believe that I will never see him or smell him or hug him again. I can't believe I'll never be a grandma. I don't even want to be a grandma but now I never will. I think the hardest part is not understanding why he would do this when he was surrounded by family and friends that love him. It all just seems so pointless and selfish and cruel.
I feel guilty that I didn't know and I feel guilty that I am so angry at him and I feel guilty if I have one moment of joy in the day. I can't make eye contact with people because I am afraid I am gonna have a meltdown. I get mad if people bring it up and I get mad if they don't. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life like this.
Maggie

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on February 20, 2010 at 7:02pm

Dear Maggie,
Two years ago my brother put a bullet in his chest and ended several years of suffering. Looking back I believe now that he was ill in ways that we didn't understand. 911 hit him very hard and he acted paranoid sometimes and I think we thought it was a normal reaction but there were other clues that something wasn't right with him. He couldn't stand upset or pressure even from a young age he'd boil over. He was the youngest of 5. I had all the feelings that your going thru and the anger too.. it's like OK is that how you thank us for all we've done for you? Perhaps when you feel a little better you could write him a letter and tell him how you feel, it might help you sort thru it. It's ok to have good mins, hours and days after we lose a loved one. I understand the guilt but theres nothing to be gained in not living. My thoughts and prayers are with you. God bless and be with you. Sending warm hugs.

Permalink Reply by Margie-Kenny's Mom on February 21, 2010 at 4:10pm

Dear Maggie,

I am so very sorry. I know your pain, I lost my 25 year old son on 11/2/2008. You have just suffered the most difficult loss any parent can suffer. Please be gentle with your self and know that you are not alone. We all understand and we are here to help if we can.

Margie

Maggie said:

Thank-you all for being here. Right now Steven's friends are having a "celebration of his life". I don't want to celebrate his life. I want him here living it. Why would someone do this? I just could not go and be part of that. I still expect him to walk in the door. I still can't believe that I will never see him or smell him or hug him again. I can't believe I'll never be a grandma. I don't even want to be a grandma but now I never will. I think the hardest part is not understanding why he would do this when he was surrounded by family and friends that love him. It all just seems so pointless and selfish and cruel.
I feel guilty that I didn't know and I feel guilty that I am so angry at him and I feel guilty if I have one moment of joy in the day. I can't make eye contact with people because I am afraid I am gonna have a meltdown. I get mad if people bring it up and I get mad if they don't. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life like this.
Maggie