I don't think it's gonna get better.

This is like, my third or fourth post on this website and I'm prop gettin' annoying. Sorry if I am. If you guys want me to stop posting so much, just let me know and I'll another support group.

So anyways, my past posts have been about Eric. He was 19 when he commited suicide and I had just turned 14. It's been a little over a year, he died around Christmas in 2008. I didn't know him very well, but we did shows at a community theater together and we had a lot of good laughs together. This was my first experience with death, and it was suicide so it really hit me hard, and I'm still trying to make sense of it. Before Eric died, I was already depressed. I've been depressed and suicidal for years, prop since I was 10. I'm 15 now, as of November 2009. Nothing seems to get better. I've never had any friends, and no one to talk to. My friendship with Eric was just started to blossem, and we had started having more serious conversations. I think he would have been a really good friend to me. I have literally only one friend. But he doesn't really understand the feelings I'm' having. He's great and listens to me rant on about all of this stuff, and I'm so thankfull for that because tlaking helps. But he doesn't know what to day after I'm ddone venting, and I need advice. I don't know what to do! my whole life, as i said, has been a mess. I've been depressed and suicidal and i think about killing myself every single day. I dont think ill ever kill myself, but i still think about it. yesterday, i found a bunch of pills in my room. pain killers. i smashed them up and threw them away because i was afraid that if i kept them i would be temped to swallow them all. my house is a mad house. my parents are ALWAYS yelling. my dad is only home on weekends because hes a truck driver and on sunday he threw a huge fit and left.i hate living here. i hate this town because everywhere i go im reminded of eric. if i go the beach, im reminded how he liked walking in the sand. if its dark and i see stars, im reminded how we starwatched. everything about this town makes me sick and sad. i want to move in with my grandma, who, besides my other friend, is the only person i can honestly say that i love with my whole heart. she understnads me much more then my paretns ever will. if i asked her, im almost positive shed let me move in with her. she already has a spare bedroom that i sleep in whenever i spend the night. but i know my parents will say no because they have no idea how their fighting and everything thats going on is affecting me. every time i try to tell my mom or have a serious converstaion she tells me im just being dramatic and to get over it. i want to go buy some pot and get caught smoking it just so my parents kick me out to live with my grandma. i want to sneak out to my friends house, and let my parents find out when i dont come home in the morning. i just want to get caught doing something bad so i dont have to live anymore,. i hate it here. i want to tell them im commiting suicide, just so they send me to a mental hospital. id rather live on the streets then live here. ive always felt that way. but the pain of losing Eric has made it even worse. i just want my life to be the way it was before..

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Permalink Reply by SUE on March 12, 2010 at 11:43am

Thats great news Liz,
I am attending a funeral for a friends 16 yr old boy tom. He took his life on Monday. He had been the victim of bullying. The whole community, family and friends are devastated. He was so close to changing schools and starting anew and now he is gone. The changes that can happen, can make even the worst situation better, but you got to be there to see them thru. Sadly Corey wont be.

Liz said:

okay well today i talked to my friend whose mom sent him someplace for a week after he threatened to kill himnself (this was a while ago before i had met him) and he was tellin' me all about it (i tell him everythinggg, he's my best friend so i was askin' stuff about when he went through this) and it helped alot because im realy nervous about taking any action... he told me i should at least talk to my mom about this first... tell her about my depression and suicidal feelings. and then if she doesnt try to help me at all or help get me professional help, THEN go to the hospital and ask to speak with a social worker.

thanks for your help guys, esceplily Yvonne. its given me the courage to do something about this... please keep me in your prayers the next couple of weeks while im working everything out. ill keep you posted on whats going on.

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 12, 2010 at 11:47am

I havent talked to my mom yet... im thinking ill talk to my older sister (whose moved out now) first....

my friend told me that if my mom doesnt listen to me that he'll drive me whereever i need to go. im so lucky to have him as a friend. love him so muchh. i dont think he even realizes how much hes helped me. just the little things like worrying about me, makng me see that this IS a big deal and always encoraging me to get help.

thanks guys.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 12, 2010 at 12:02pm

Liz.. my thoughts and prayer's are with you. You know we're here for you. ((Hugs))

Liz said:

I havent talked to my mom yet... im thinking ill talk to my older sister (whose moved out now) first....

my friend told me that if my mom doesnt listen to me that he'll drive me whereever i need to go. im so lucky to have him as a friend. love him so muchh. i dont think he even realizes how much hes helped me. just the little things like worrying about me, makng me see that this IS a big deal and always encoraging me to get help.

thanks guys.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 12, 2010 at 12:04pm

Sue..
That is so stinking sad.. to many of our young ones are going that way. Today I'm going to the funeral of a man my best friends brother. He' was 53, and mixing medications and booze another popular thing to do these days. I don't get whats happened to this world but I think that people are just trying to numb out. So sad. My prayers are with you today.

SUE said:

Thats great news Liz,
I am attending a funeral for a friends 16 yr old boy tom. He took his life on Monday. He had been the victim of bullying. The whole community, family and friends are devastated. He was so close to changing schools and starting anew and now he is gone. The changes that can happen, can make even the worst situation better, but you got to be there to see them thru. Sadly Corey wont be.

Liz said:
okay well today i talked to my friend whose mom sent him someplace for a week after he threatened to kill himnself (this was a while ago before i had met him) and he was tellin' me all about it (i tell him everythinggg, he's my best friend so i was askin' stuff about when he went through this) and it helped alot because im realy nervous about taking any action... he told me i should at least talk to my mom about this first... tell her about my depression and suicidal feelings. and then if she doesnt try to help me at all or help get me professional help, THEN go to the hospital and ask to speak with a social worker.

thanks for your help guys, esceplily Yvonne. its given me the courage to do something about this... please keep me in your prayers the next couple of weeks while im working everything out. ill keep you posted on whats going on.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 12, 2010 at 2:01pm

Friday March the 12th.. Dr. Phil has a show today on teen suicide for those that want information.

Permalink Reply by Sue M on March 13, 2010 at 8:47am

Liz said:

SUE said:
Thats great news Liz,
I am attending a funeral for a friends 16 yr old boy tom. He took his life on Monday. He had been the victim of bullying. The whole community, family and friends are devastated. He was so close to changing schools and starting anew and now he is gone. The changes that can happen, can make even the worst situation better, but you got to be there to see them thru. Sadly Corey wont be.

Liz said:
okay well today i talked to my friend whose mom sent him someplace for a week after he threatened to kill himnself (this was a while ago before i had met him) and he was tellin' me all about it (i tell him everythinggg, he's my best friend so i was askin' stuff about when he went through this) and it helped alot because im realy nervous about taking any action... he told me i should at least talk to my mom about this first... tell her about my depression and suicidal feelings. and then if she doesnt try to help me at all or help get me professional help, THEN go to the hospital and ask to speak with a social worker.

thanks for your help guys, esceplily Yvonne. its given me the courage to do something about this... please keep me in your prayers the next couple of weeks while im working everything out. ill keep you posted on whats going on.

So sorry you have to go through this Sue. My neighbors son (22) killed himself last month and it is heartbreaking. I hope you are ok. Life is never the same...

Liz, it is awesome you decided to talk with your older sister. My younger sister needed my help that way four years ago after our mother died. She got thru that difficult time. Know that it is possible.

Permalink Reply by Sue M on March 13, 2010 at 8:47am

Liz said:

SUE said:
Thats great news Liz,
I am attending a funeral for a friends 16 yr old boy tom. He took his life on Monday. He had been the victim of bullying. The whole community, family and friends are devastated. He was so close to changing schools and starting anew and now he is gone. The changes that can happen, can make even the worst situation better, but you got to be there to see them thru. Sadly Corey wont be.

Liz said:
okay well today i talked to my friend whose mom sent him someplace for a week after he threatened to kill himnself (this was a while ago before i had met him) and he was tellin' me all about it (i tell him everythinggg, he's my best friend so i was askin' stuff about when he went through this) and it helped alot because im realy nervous about taking any action... he told me i should at least talk to my mom about this first... tell her about my depression and suicidal feelings. and then if she doesnt try to help me at all or help get me professional help, THEN go to the hospital and ask to speak with a social worker.

thanks for your help guys, esceplily Yvonne. its given me the courage to do something about this... please keep me in your prayers the next couple of weeks while im working everything out. ill keep you posted on whats going on.

So sorry you have to go through this Sue. My neighbors son (22) killed himself last month and it is heartbreaking. I hope you are ok. Life is never the same...

Liz, it is awesome you decided to talk with your older sister. My younger sister needed my help that way four years ago after our mother died. She got thru that difficult time. Know that it is possible.

Permalink Reply by Sue M on March 13, 2010 at 8:58am

Liz,
Please keep in mind that all of us here, who do not know you but care about you very much. Imagine how this would affect your very close friends and your family if you every tried to hurt yourself or worse. You DO matter and as hard as this period of time is for you, it WILL get better.. You will never forget your friend but in time you will be able to remember the good memories without being so sad.
I hope you are talking to your sister and your friend but always remember that even though we "adults" can get on a bandwagon and "preach" to the younger kids, its only because we care and maybe we don't know how to do it differently.
I am proud of you for stepping up and realizing that YES!!! this is a very big deal and admitting that is a huge step in getting help.
You hang in there sweetie... We care very much.
Sue

Sue M said:

Liz said:
SUE said:
Thats great news Liz,
I am attending a funeral for a friends 16 yr old boy tom. He took his life on Monday. He had been the victim of bullying. The whole community, family and friends are devastated. He was so close to changing schools and starting anew and now he is gone. The changes that can happen, can make even the worst situation better, but you got to be there to see them thru. Sadly Corey wont be.

Liz said:
okay well today i talked to my friend whose mom sent him someplace for a week after he threatened to kill himnself (this was a while ago before i had met him) and he was tellin' me all about it (i tell him everythinggg, he's my best friend so i was askin' stuff about when he went through this) and it helped alot because im realy nervous about taking any action... he told me i should at least talk to my mom about this first... tell her about my depression and suicidal feelings. and then if she doesnt try to help me at all or help get me professional help, THEN go to the hospital and ask to speak with a social worker.

thanks for your help guys, esceplily Yvonne. its given me the courage to do something about this... please keep me in your prayers the next couple of weeks while im working everything out. ill keep you posted on whats going on.

So sorry you have to go through this Sue. My neighbors son (22) killed himself last month and it is heartbreaking. I hope you are ok. Life is never the same...

Liz, it is awesome you decided to talk with your older sister. My younger sister needed my help that way four years ago after our mother died. She got thru that difficult time. Know that it is possible.

Permalink Reply by Deanna A Hicks on March 13, 2010 at 9:22am

Liz,
Your life will never be the same way, because of the closeness you had with Eric. Its not like meeting someone for a brief moment and walking away. I have gone to grief counseling myself to figure out how I can deal with sudden death of someone that was very close to me. I gave this person my heart and soul and what does he do but kill himself. I do understand that you cared deeply for Eric and it will be hard to over come the grief, because he was a part of your daily life. Maybe you should sit down with your mother first and explain to her how you are feeling and why you feel the need get away for awhile. Tell her that you need to have sometime to clear your mind of everything that has happened. You must start taking ownership of the fact that yes your friend is gone, but you must take care of you now and if your parents love you then they will understand that you are having a very diffacult time. The reason I say this is that my son was 14 at time and he is still not dealing with it, he has closed his heart and him mind off from the situation. I have asks him to go to counseling with me, but until he gets over the anger, he will remain unhappy. Please dont do anything crazy, be the adult in the situation and ask for help. Tell your mother that you need to talk to someone, that you are feeling alone in this situation. People that are not close to the situation are more likely to say hurtful words to a circumstance they dont understand. You need to remember Eric wasnt probably an important person in you parents life, but you got make them understand that Eric was very important person to you.

Permalink Reply by Lisa Marie Wawrzynski - (Liska) on March 13, 2010 at 3:24pm

Dear Liz- Dear child, Dear Friend- I am so sorry for your huge loss of Eric and that you are so unhappy in life even before this tragedy happened. I spent a lot of unhappy suicidal years and I've been through the wringer with bad luck. Liz, hang in there, it does get better. Things do change. YOU will grow and change. It is a process, but change happens even when we are not picking up on it. Right now, know that you have people who understand loss, frustration, and pain. You are not alone in that. But you can survive it all, and, I'm hoping, day by day, you will learn to perceive things in a way that make them more manageable for you. Please don't give up on HOPE and have FAITH. In your own ways. If you are having "bad" thoughts let them come and GO. Don't judge them or yourself for your thoughts. And remember anger is just another emotion, neither good nor bad. It's what you DO with the anger that can be helpful or not so helpful. I think you writing in and putting it out to us was brave and smart. You've gone through a trauma, and you contacted people who have been through their own traumas. Connection. YYou made it happen and you seem to me to be the type of person who can make a lot of good happen in your lifetime. Don't give up, I think you have a lot of good to offer this world. You will find your niche. Liska

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Marie Wawrzynski - (Liska) on March 13, 2010 at 4:30pm

Who ever wrote about losing Eric Liz or Deanna, I'm confused, please accept my letter and prayers. Liska

Permalink Reply by larry kuykendoll on March 13, 2010 at 4:35pm

Little Brother I will be your friend, I am sorry to hear about your lost. It have been six months since my big brother committed suicide and it hurts everyday. It is hard especially since i have five other siblings i have to comfort. When one of them is up the someone else is down, it is like i can't win but the other day i told my sister the way i cope is getting a understanding that life and death are the two things we can't control, if you accept life than you have to accept death. I cry and I cry because i feel lost without my brother since we were only a yr apart and we did everything together. I no longer have anyone to talk to but i keep the faith that some day i might meet someone and build enough trust to talk to. I miss my brother Miles dearly just like you miss your friend but i get better as i write so i suggest you keep posting and talking to people as well as see a doctor. Miles and I had a rough childhood too so we couldn't wait to go to College and move out of the house. I recommend you stay away from angry people. I somewhat believe alot of stuff in Miles past affected his future so you definitely need an escape. You should join clubs or play a sport you enjoy. Miles and I loved boxing and writing. If you like to talk i can also be reached at larrykuykendoll@yahoo.com