SO SAD ALL THE TIME

MY SON, 44 YEARS OLD COMMITED SUISIDE ON DECEMBER 29, 2008. HE HAD DRANK AND USED DRUGS, BUT HAD BEEN CLEAN FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, BUT WAS TOO LATE. HE HAD SCOLROSIS OF THE LIVER. HE HAD A BRAIN TUMOR THE SIZE OF A LEMON, NOTHING WOULD TAKE THE PAIN AWAY. HE WOULD HURT SO BAD --HE COULD HARDLY WALK. HE WAS ON SOME PRETTY STRONG MEDS, THAT JUST DIDN'T WORK ANYMORE, AND SOME WERE STOLEN BY A COUSIN, SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE HE DIDN'T TAKE TOO MANY. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, SHE TOOK MOST OF THE FLOWERS FROM THE LUNCHEON, CALLED THE STATE POLICE ON ME (HARRESSMENT) AFTER I CALLED TO GET THE FLOWER CARDS--WE COULDN'T SEND THANK YOU NOTES. THAT WASN'T ENOUGH--SHE TOOK THE COLLECTION ENVELOPES FROM THE CHURCH, AND A STORE. SHE LEFT ONE STORE IN A HUFF BECAUSE THE OWNER WOULDN'T GIVE HER THAT MONEY, $400 DOLLARS. AT HIS FUNERAL THERE WERE 400 PLUS FAMILY AND TONS OF FRIENDS. I GO TO SLEEP CRYING AND WAKE UP CRYING--EVEN NOW. I HAVE BEEN TO COUNSELING, IT HAS HELPED---BUT UNTIL YOU LOSE A CHILD, YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT A PARENT IS GOING THROUGH. I FOUND IT HARDER THAN LOSIING MY MOM AND DAD. IT TOOK ME SEVEN YEARS TO GET A GRIP ON MY MOM'S DEATH. AT TIMES IT FEELS LIKE NOBODY WANTS ME TO TALK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE. TALKING OR WRITNG A POEM ABOUT/FOR HIM IS GOOD THERAPY FOR ME. I AM TIRED OF FEELING SO ALONE--THOUGH I KNOW I AM NOT.

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Permalink Reply by linda on April 18, 2010 at 5:47am

dear macky, no dear your not alone here, we're kinda like a comfort zone, where we talk and share our inner most feelings, and thoughts of the people we loved, and still love to this day. what your son went through, no one can possably understand his pain, he was a very sick man, who had issues with drugs and drinking long before he had thoughts of suicide, but had the courage to realize he had a problem and get clean for a cupple of years, a major mile stone for any one who has a drinking problem, i,d be very proud of him for that, as far as brain tumor, if he had brain suregery would he have made it through it? one has to ponder that. and your so called cousins actions speak louder than words, i think pehaps i would of called the police on her myself for the unforgivable things she did, which made life a living hell for you. i too am a suicide survivor, my oldest son ben took his life, when he was 17, the oldest of my 4 children walked into the woods one day at his father house and hung himself one cold day in oct. his friends found him, his farther, cut him down. so i know your pain, and i know it well. my mom passed away last year, and as hard as that was, because she put me up for adoption, i found her at 30 years old, and lived 5 mins from her for the next 20 years. as hard as it was to loose her, loosing ben hurt more. it took me quite a few years to get over what ben had done, all the questions with out answers, all the tears, i've cried oceans. bottom line is you love your son and you miss him terribly. we all in here understand that. and how you get through it is by sharing your story, talking about it, reaching out to others who have been in your shoes, know exactly how you feel, and togther we,ll all get through it. i still have issues 13 years later, i have my days, but mostly, i have come to except the fact there was nothing i could do about it, and it wasnt my fault. you too have to come to this point hun, and eventually you will. i made my son a memorial, out side my house, and have from day one, i call the lovely bunch of maple trees grouped together, bens tree, they were just little sapplings 13 years agao, but now every fall, there big beautiful trees, which i have had many signs from ben, over the years. the colors are magnificent, and with bird feeders all through the year, brings life into a tree, not the tree that took my sons life, but the tree that saved me from going in sane. maybe a memorial to your son, in your own yard, or house would help you also. talk to your son, and belive that he hears you, because i belive he can. i would ask my ben on my hardest days, to plz give momma a sign he was ok, and over 13 years, i,ve had many signs, and have sceen him, but we are also indians, and belive in the great spirit, and signs from above. i,m so sorry your hurting, and at times think you have no one to turn to, i also thought that, as 13 years ago no one wanted to talk about it, and i was considered a bummer to be around, but here, we have found a place we belong, and can talk about what ever we're feeling, and everyone one of us in here can relate, and feel your pain. we can heal, as times goes by, one day one hour one min at a time, we move forward. i wrote many poems and letters to ben over the years, and yes it is good therepy, if that helps you, than you continue to write. your not alone hun, trust me your not, and this gruop is living proof of that. thank god we now have our own space here to help each other through the tough times, i hope and pray as days go by things get a little easier for you, i will keep you in my prayers, and just remember, we're here for you. godbless.

Permalink Reply by TXMOM on April 18, 2010 at 9:46am

My sincerest condolences, you are not alone there are many of us here trying to help each other out. As you said there is no deeper pain than to lose your child. My son committed suicide in Sept 09, it has been so hard for me to even get on with the small things. I have gone back to work and find that by keeping busy my days pass. Everyone will deal differently and Sorry to hear about the family member which made it worse for you. Keep writing and doing the things that make you feel better. We all have our bad days, sometimes often (i Know), but remember the love for your child and have faith that he is in a better place, i know it's hard but there is no easy remedy for what we have been through. Take care and God bless!

Permalink Reply by SUE on April 20, 2010 at 11:34pm

Your welcome Macky,
I hope you enjoy your time with your old friends at the reunion. Its heartbreaking that you are all sharing the bond of loss of your children. At least you know they understand as do you without even speaking a word. Macky Im glad you have found this site, that book. I swear being apart of a survivor group saved my sanity.
Sue

Macky Smith said:

SUE--THANK YOU FOR YOUR MESSAGE. IT IS 2:20AM HERE AND I CAN NOT FALL ASLEEP. I JUST KEEP THINKING.. I CAN NOT WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THIS WHOLE THING. IT HAS TOO GET BETTER. I HAVE A BOOK I HAVE BEEN READING ABOUT DEATH, I FOUND THE FIVE PHASES OF DEATH ON A WEB SITE, FROM A LOCAL FUNERAL HOME, THAT HAS HELPED. I AM HAVING A CLASS REUNION IN MAY--A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL HAVE ALSO LOST A CHILD, BUT WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN, NOT JUST TALK, EVEN THOUGH WE WILL PROBABLY WANT TOO. IT SEEMS LIKE TALKING ABOUT MIKE IS GOOD THERAPY FOR ME. I AM GLAD THAT I FOUND YOU TOO,,THINKING OF YOU--MACKY

Permalink Reply by Brooke McKenna on February 14, 2011 at 6:54pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine what you are going through as a mother. I lost my husband and I feel like I can't breathe. I find that loss by suicide is much different than other grieving. I lost my dad and grandfather died in my arms and none compares to this. I find I want to talk about my Mike all the time. You talk about your son as much as you need to. I would love to hear about him. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Brooke