Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by white dove on April 21, 2010 at 11:14am

I experienced the opposite in caring for my mom. (The siver lining in the clouds). My mom and i had a very up and down relationship through the years... but as she got older i recognized her lack of abilities and i compensated for her, also drug her along in many of my lifes adventures:) Sometimes with her kicking all the way lol. But in her last couple months here, she realized the love we missed out on and she more than made all good with us. Hugs, kisses, i love you's, all things that were so neglected in the past. So ya, once in awhile i remember little bits of the not so good relationship we suffered thru at times.. but most importantly was the Love that was left behind for us... So i dont know sometimes how to feel... sometimes wish she had showed affection so long ago.. so many years were without, but smiling inside that she knew to do it before she left....
Each and everyone of us has different feelings, stories... LOVE no matter what frame of mind, i feel is most important. Prayers for ALL here are said nightly ;)

Jerr said:

It sounds very familiar to me. Lynda, I felt the same way too. After my mom died, it hadn't even been a year and my father got very sick. I was staying with him, making sure he took his meds. He would make all kinds of excuses for not taking them, and when they increased his dose, he sometimes wouldn't take it. I blame myself sometimes for his death. The last time he came home from the hospital, his heart was at 5-10%. The nurses from the agency kept telling him he needed to try to use his walker, drink water. But everytime they left I would battle with him. I felt that if he didn't listen to me, he would die. That's what they said, if he didn't try, something would happen. I would try every approach. His mind was never the same the last couple weeks. I didn't see the sweet person who raised me. It was as though I had been through war, trying to take care of my father, knowing it was critical, and listening to this man who I knew was my dad, but wasn't. Everyone told me that I was doing the very best I could and it still doesn't take back the fact that he and my mom are gone.

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on April 23, 2010 at 11:24pm

Lynda, Being a nurse for 27 years, I have had many patients confide in me they did not want to live anymore. I was in shock back in the 80's, but I now often have a different outlook on death and life daily. A couple of life lessons I have learned, and know that no matter how hard it is, you were loosing the battle, the day your dad decided he preferred not to live without your mom. Please excuse his stubborness, lack of compliance with what the medical specialist suggested, but I have seen that behavior more times then I care to share. I have been known to actually whisper in someone ear, that it was okay to let go, to pass on, your loved one will be cared for. It is brutal to watch someone hanging on to a life of misery and physical pain, because they feel that it is better for the family. Life is so confusing....so many questions about life and death....but I PROMISE you, if your dad only had below 20% cardiac output, he would of died from a stroke, because his heart was so compromised, he could not oxygenate himself to think clearly. Oxygen is carried by our blood cells, and the blood gets so thick trying to oxygenate all the vital organs, the choices are really made already, because even if he had wanted to be alive and survive for you, his darling baby girl, the body is so predicable. I once faced that decision with my first son, when he was 9 months old, and had a heard defect so severe, that when push came to shove, I had no choice, but sign the permit for his open heart procedure, because if I waited much longer, he would of had a stroke. Yes, the nurse, could not hear what the doctors said about my firstborn son. Please know you were the best advocate he had, but who am I to say, what his life was like without your mom. I do not know if this makes any sense, or if I have offended you, but I feel I need to be honest and share my life experiences. Your blessing in all of this loss, is they brought up a daughter who cared enough to care for a sick parent, especially your father, after you just lost your mom. A lot of children put their parents in another state, where they just cannot deal with death.

Enough of me,....and be honest, but did this story help or hurt you, sometimes I don't know when to quit explaining, or typing, or talking....I truly offered the above with TLC....Belinda Rhodes

(white dove) said:

I experienced the opposite in caring for my mom. (The siver lining in the clouds). My mom and i had a very up and down relationship through the years... but as she got older i recognized her lack of abilities and i compensated for her, also drug her along in many of my lifes adventures:) Sometimes with her kicking all the way lol. But in her last couple months here, she realized the love we missed out on and she more than made all good with us. Hugs, kisses, i love you's, all things that were so neglected in the past. So ya, once in awhile i remember little bits of the not so good relationship we suffered thru at times.. but most importantly was the Love that was left behind for us... So i dont know sometimes how to feel... sometimes wish she had showed affection so long ago.. so many years were without, but smiling inside that she knew to do it before she left....
Each and everyone of us has different feelings, stories... LOVE no matter what frame of mind, i feel is most important. Prayers for ALL here are said nightly ;)

Jerr said:

It sounds very familiar to me. Lynda, I felt the same way too. After my mom died, it hadn't even been a year and my father got very sick. I was staying with him, making sure he took his meds. He would make all kinds of excuses for not takin

Permalink Reply by Jerr on April 24, 2010 at 11:03am

Thank you for your insight, Belinda. I helps me understand how critical his condition was and I didn't know how bad he was until you explained it. I know that wasn't the way he was before and something definitely changed him. I wan't offended at all, just needed someone to hear what I and other people have gone through.

Permalink Reply by kris maser on April 25, 2010 at 11:26am

I lost my mother in 06. i know that is a long time ago.However, i have never been allowed access to grief counseling. My mother died of natural causes yet,
i was totally devastated because i was wrongfully accused in her death.i feel i will never get closure over her death and no one understands the pain this has caused. please someone tell me what a person does when you can't get grief counseling.

Permalink Reply by white dove on April 25, 2010 at 12:33pm

Dear Kris, I searched all over until i found it (grief counseling)! At a place that wasn't even associated with my mom's nursing care or her Medical plan.. There are many organizations that are Free! Also, as much as many of us don't care to visit, at funeral homes, and Hospice centers. There is also counseling through a Lutheran org. in my state. They charge on a sliding scale according to your income. Cancer centers (my mom was not diagnosed with cancer), and still~ these were the first wonderful folks that saw my urgency. please try and search them all. Im sure you will find one! May God's Angels watch over you.

kris maser said:

I lost my mother in 06. i know that is a long time ago.However, i have never been allowed access to grief counseling. My mother died of natural causes yet,
i was totally devastated because i was wrongfully accused in her death.i feel i will never get closure over her death and no one understands the pain this has caused. please someone tell me what a person does when you can't get grief counseling.

Permalink Reply by lisa on April 25, 2010 at 6:12pm

Lori Sue Bowser said:

I lost my Mom on Saturday May 2nd.I am devastated.What do I do????
Dana said:

I lost my mom November 1st, 2008. She had emphseyma, and her death was expected...but it still has been so very hard. I was her caretaker for as long as I can remember. She never drove..so any Dr appts, or groc store needs or anything.it was always me. And I know I didnt appreciate it as I should have. I have a journal that I wrote in every day after she passed, it did truly help with my grief. We are believers in Jesus Christ and I know where she is now, and that she is happy and whole, and so much better. But oh what I wouldnt give to have to go to the store for her again..or get on the phone and talk about silly mindless things that at the moment I thought I just didnt have time for. I still have her suitcase, with the things she brought over from her last visit, as if she has never left. Her tennis shoes on top of the suitcase, with her clothes neatly packed. I just can not bring myself to throw them out. I know I need to, but its like my last connection to her. I still have a voicemail that she left me while she was still in the hospital. Im heartbroken my mom is gone, but I will see her again and thats my comfort. OH, but do I miss her. I miss talking with her, I miss praying with her, I miss seeing her. I just miss her. thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you still have your mom, call her, go see her, HUG her and tell her you love her!

Permalink Reply by lisa on April 25, 2010 at 6:19pm

I lost my Mom this past March 15 2010. I still can believe she's gone sher went into the hospital with a UTI infection and never came out I was with her and watched her die every day all I see is her eyes. I'm still in denial, I can't believe she's gone, my best friend the one person who knew me better than anyone else, the person I could tell anything to and never judge me. I wish I could have had more time time with her, I'm lost without her I'm still waiting for the phone to ring and her voice on the other end. I miss soooo much and I couldn't agree with you more for those who still have their Mother don't ever take her for granted because you never know it could be last time you see her so hug her and tell her you love her what I wouldn't give to get that chance. I love you Mom thank-you for everything and I know I'l see you again

Permalink Reply by Favorite Daughter on April 26, 2010 at 2:41pm

Belinda, your email has been a comforting balm to me. My dearest mother and best friend died in February due to, I think, the final mini-stroke out of many she suffered over the past month of her life. She was 89 years old and had been in relatively good health and of sounder mind that anyone I know until she suffered a stroke last May. We were told she would be "fine" and we believed that. However, she lost her ability to walk so we set up our living room as a bedroom for her; she started getting delusional and mean. We had hospice for the last 9 months of her life. I am an only child and have pretty much been my mother's whole life since my dad died when I was in my mid 20's. We were best friends, traveling companions, and towards the end, I became her mother...This was the most difficult time in my life. I always thought my mother would be just "go to sleep" on night (don't we all wish for that!) because she has had so many "nine lives." She progressively got worse, ate less and less, and began sleeping most of the time. When I asked the hospice nurse if we were nearing the end and should I be preparing to walk with my mom on her final journey home, she kept telling me "no, my mother's vitals were good." We had a horrible Feburary -- snow, snow and MORE snow. My aide was snowed in and couldn't make it to my house, my husband couldn't get home on time in the morning (he worked nights to stay home during the day with my mother), I was missing work, my mom was getting too difficult to lift and was sleeping most of the time and was angry and beligerent the rest of the time. We were stressed to the max. We lost our electricity one Friday night and we had to take my mom to the hospice facilty, where she stayed for 5 days until the snow stopped falling (she HATED it there and told me I was a terrible daughter). All of my mom's life I have stayed with her in hospitals, in rehabs, the first night of her hospice stay...but I couldn't get out to her the other nights because of the snow. The finally brought her home the following Thursday night. She had a catheter and was sleeping. She slept all day Friday and when she woke on Saturday morning she told me she was thirsty. I gave her some water and told her that when our aid came I was going to the store to get some food in the house and that I would bring her a prize. She went back to sleep. I was not gone an hour when a friend came to find me. My mother had died and I had missed being with her by 20 minutes (my husband and our aide were with her, so she was not alone) but my pain and guilt of not being there has been unbearable. I believe if hospice had come sooner to examine her they would have known that my mother's time was near and I would never have left her (they are supposed to come to the house the night a patient returns home, but they did not come that night, they did not come the next day and they did not show up until later in the afternoon on the day she died). Everyone tells me that she didn't want me there when she died, but I don't believe that -- my mother wanted me with her ALL THE TIME and it kills me that I wasn't there with her for the most important journey of all... I know that I did all I could over the years to take care of her and love her and I know that I did what she wanted -- I kept her out of a nursing home...but I am so sad and miss her so much. I am hoping that she went so fast that she didn't even realize I wasn't there and that she isn't made at me for not being with her, but who knows... Anyway, for some reason reading your post has made me feel better and I thank you very much for that.

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on April 26, 2010 at 8:10pm

Hi favorite daughter, You were an angel to your mom. The cycle of life is so peculiar, especially the winter,and the suffering and agony...you experienced...your second month of a journey of grief, that is so unexplainable.
I know we don't understand what comes next after we leave this world, being a Catholic....their were 3 choices heaven, hell or purgatory. I like to believe that the God who knew our names before we ever were given life....will take very good care of his flock. I sit back and look at this mixed up world,comparing and contrasting, whose faith life, or religion, is the best. My faith or lack of has, taught me some of the best life lessons, that helped me grow and be a better person.from the experience,, more caring....loving and empathic.
You and your mom had a very special bond that included unconditional love and trust.
Grief is so unpredictable, and I would love to think "Girls Don't Cry", as a song in my past claimed. But, I cry, scream, write, cry some more, have pity parties, and then a good day comes, and I feel blessed for having the mother who taught me many great things.
Be gentle with yourself, you deserve some nurturing, and by all means allow others to care for you. Lots of hugs to you, Belinda


Favorite Daughter said:

Belinda, your email has been a comforting balm to me. My dearest mother and best friend died in February due to, I think, the final mini-stroke out of many she suffered over the past month of her life. She was 89 years old and had been in relatively good health and of sounder mind that anyone I know until she suffered a stroke last May. We were told she would be "fine" and we believed that. However, she lost her ability to walk so we set up our living room as a bedroom for her; she started getting delusional and mean. We had hospice for the last 9 months of her life. I am an only child and have pretty much been my mother's whole life since my dad died when I was in my mid 20's. We were best friends, traveling companions, and towards the end, I became her mother...This was the most difficult time in my life. I always thought my mother would be just "go to sleep" on night (don't we all wish for that!) because she has had so many "nine lives." She progressively got worse, ate less and less, and began sleeping most of the time. When I asked the hospice nurse if we were nearing the end and should I be preparing to walk with my mom on her final journey home, she kept telling me "no, my mother's vitals were good." We had a horrible Feburary -- snow, snow and MORE snow. My aide was snowed in and couldn't make it to my house, my husband couldn't get home on time in the morning (he worked nights to stay home during the day with my mother), I was missing work, my mom was getting too difficult to lift and was sleeping most of the time and was angry and beligerent the rest of the time. We were stressed to the max. We lost our electricity one Friday night and we had to take my mom to the hospice facilty, where she stayed for 5 days until the snow stopped falling (she HATED it there and told me I was a terrible daughter). All of my mom's life I have stayed with her in hospitals, in rehabs, the first night of her hospice stay...but I couldn't get out to her the other nights because of the snow. The finally brought her home the following Thursday night. She had a catheter and was sleeping. She slept all day Friday and when she woke on Saturday morning she told me she was thirsty. I gave her some water and told her that when our aid came I was going to the store to get some food in the house and that I would bring her a prize. She went back to sleep. I was not gone an hour when a friend came to find me. My mother had died and I had missed being with her by 20 minutes (my husband and our aide were with her/body>

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on April 26, 2010 at 8:34pm

Barbara said:

My mom just died April 15, 2010. She was in terrible pain from cancer throughout her body and at times would scream from it. It was a blessing for her but it has left me devastated. The family all stayed overnight in the nursing home with her so she would not be alone when she passed away. She died in my sister and my arms at 4:00 a.m. I am now feeling pangs of guilt besides missing her. A week ago they said we needed to have a central line put in to keep her nourished and hydrated as she wasn't eating or drinking and they couldnt get IV's to stay in. I said no as I knew it was what she wanted but now I am wondering if it made her death even more horrible and led to her suffering more. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I know she never got over it and longed to be with him yet if I had the line put in she would still be breathing and perhaps they could have managed her pain level better. Anyway, I want my mom back and cannot bear that she is not sitting in her chair when I go in her house and I can never talk to her or see her. How do I get over this when 2 years later I still miss my dad.

Permalink Reply by Jerr on April 26, 2010 at 9:00pm

Favorite daughter, you aren't alone with what you went through. I took care of my dad when he was sick too. I became the parent to him, feeding him, changing him, helping him use the bathroom. My husband worked nights too, and I had my four children to take care of also (including a 19 month old). It was all I could do to keep my sanity. All the while my father's mental health was bad too. I knew that that was not my father. It was so hard to care for him while he was like that. It was extremely painful seeing my father this way. The night before he died, though, he cried. He said that he was sorry for the way he acted. I told him that everything was ok, that he took care of me and it was my duty to do the same. He said that there was something wrong with his head and he was truly sorry. I think he knew what was coming and I have that little bit, that break in the clouds, the last time we hugged. I would never take back the last month, I know now I did all that I could.

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on April 26, 2010 at 9:40pm

es said:

Barbara said:

My mom just died April 15, 2010. She was in terrible pain from cancer throughout her body and at times would scream from it. It was a blessing for her but it has left me devastated. The family all stayed overnight in the nursing home with her so she would not be alone when she passed away. She died in my sister and my arms at 4:00 a.m. I am now feeling pangs of guilt besides missing her. A week ago they said we needed to have a central line put in to keep her nourished and hydrated as she wasn't eating or drinking and they couldnt get IV's to stay in. I said no as I knew it was what she wanted but now I am wondering if it made her death even more horrible and led to her suffering more. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I know she never got over it and longed to be with him yet if I had the line put in she would still be breathing and perhaps they could have managed her pain level better. Anyway, I want my mom back and cannot bear that she is not sitting in her chair when I go in her house and I can never talk to her or see her. How do I get over this when 2 years later I still miss my dad.

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