Thanks for your reply and kind words. It's nice to know that others experience the same type of "craziness' as I. It makes one, at least me, believe even stronger,that my mom and dad are together and happy. I too, had a thought that perhaps I was prolonging my Mom's rest due to my mourning. I know I will never get over this, and in all honesty don't want to, however, I do think I have an inkling of what your talking about when you say one leg is out...!! I have maybe a toe or two out!! LOL!! God bless and keep the encouragement coming if you have time. I appreciate you taking the time to respond more than you know!! Thanks again.
Paula Schneider (white dove) said:Hi Jennifer, Dont feel as if your crazy. I do know this is how we feel... it is all part of our grieving... and OMG yes, the anxiety/depression is life stopping at times! I wonder where is empathy in others? There are those in life that haven't been in "our shoes" and they can be as rude as well... i won't say... I think to myself, sure hope they don't have to experience what i did.. Still we never know the battles in life that others may be going through. I surely didn't know until now! I feel orphaned. And at my age, ive been told thats silly, but it's so true.
Our "go to" person is not here any longer.. i continue to talk to my mom, and even know her answers! I grieved SO HARD, that i felt i stopped my moms journey to Heaven.. Just last week i prayed for her to go where she needed to go.
She was so concerned for me, that she wanted to take me with her.. and because of that, my mourning really was "pulling on me". Prayer helps. Six months later, i finally feel as if my leg has been pulled out of the ground. sounds strange i know, but i felt half dead. Don't get me wrong, i continue to mourn, but in a different way now. What does scare me is: Those who are so unfeeling~ using me as their own personal whipping post. I dont know if it's human nature and dont understand why some kick those who are down. But At this time, i am doing my best at controlling my own rage. But i swear, one more kick and they may have to feel my, until now, controlled anger afterwards! Some days i just want to stay home, not answer the phone or step one foot outdoors. How does one merge back into such a violent public atmosphere?
Jennifer said:Thank you all for writing and thank God I found this site. I too, lost my Mom, best friend,as well as my job and to boot I had to move out of our house where I cared for my mom for the past 5 years so we could have strangers go through everything and put a price on it, throw items away that are meaning less to them and I guess I'm suppose to be happy?? OMG, at times I think I'm crazy. The memories,the cloths, the hospital bag, everything I've read, I too,have done or am doing. It is awful. I lost my dad 13 years ago,love him as much as my mom, however this has kicked my behind something awful. AND... the panic/anxiety attacks are debilitating. I am so lonely and miss her terribly. As someone mentioned,((forgive me for not recalling the name) I am 45 and April 21,2009 I became the biggest baby ever. I want my mom!!! I have a sweater she wore and put in a ziploc bag so hopefully it will always smell like her. Crazy huh?? Looking at her cloths,going to the grocery store,or anywhere, IMPOSSIBLE!! eat, forget it!! I will write daily if anyone needs to talk, I think you definately have to have lost your mom to truly "get it"?? Thanks for reading this and I'll check back soon.
I lost My Mother February 25, 2002 and I will never be the same again. She was and is my best friend and also My Mother. I am older and My Father passed away in 1978. My Brother passed away three weeks after My Mother almost to the hour. I feel he was lucky to have gone as I can't wait to be with Mom again. I talk to Mom all the time and am always looking for Her and turn to talk to Her and She isn't there. I am in denial as I can't allow this to be real. I don't think I would be here if I didn't have a 92 year old Aunt. I have many friends and go out however when I return home, it is really depressing to be here without Mom. I go to a psychiatrist and a therapist and take medication. They have agreed they can't fix what is wrong with me however I do go to have someone else to talk to as a lot of my friends don't understand why I am mourning seven years later. I wish you all hope and peace of mind as I don't know it that is attainable as it hasn't been for me. Take care.
Yes, i notice this too. My mom was thought to have "a" cancer but it was undiagnosed. There are so many others...
Sheila said:Why does it seem they only talk about brest cancer , when there are so many more cancers taking our loved ones and friends
Thank you for your response White Dove. My Mother always said She would love to be a bird as they can go anywhere anytime they want and they don't even have to pack a suitcase. Every time I see a bird, I think maybe that is Mom contacting me. I know My Mother wouldn't want me to be so depressed and My Aunt tells me all the time that Mom doesn't want me depressed. She wants me to be happy. My Mother was my strength and I guess I - in a way - should be thankful that I was able to stay home with Mom as She passed away at home. (Ironically I had gotten laid off from a job I had been at twenty years). That could not have been at a better time to lose my job. My therapist told me to write everything every day and hoping that would help. Maybe that would help you also? I find I "run" all the time and am almost never home. Thanks and I am having a little problem finding my way around the website and if I don't answer soon - or post twice as I see I did that - I am sure I will catch on. I did attend a few grieving groups and they were not for me as most of them were for spouses. I am thankful I found this as you can talk any time day or night. Peace to all of you and God help us all.
I am also a lover of animals. We have three cats now and have had as many as seven. We feed the birds, feral cats and squirrels.
You mentioned the white bird and My Mother's favorite color was yellow. Mom passed away at home 12:45 A.M. and I was up the rest of the night. After my friend and my Aunt left it was early morning. I went on the deck and looked up and in the tree nearest the house was a yellow bird and I felt that was Mom telling me She was okay. We were planning My Mother's 90th birthday party and the doctor told us Mom had less than a year to live on December 28, 2001. As Mom's Birthday was in March, I felt She would be here. Her Birthday was March 24 and She missed living to 90 by less then a month. How old was your Mother when she passed away? We live in New Jersey and I have nieces and nephews however not close to them at all. They also live approximately an hour from here.
No one can ever understand the loss of their Mother until they have experienced this. It is the most depressing time of my life. My Mother told me years ago "I hope when I pass away, I can leave you my sense of humor". She would always keep me calm and it is very difficult without her. I am retired and all my friends work and I was thinking about looking for a part-time job although I know that is not the answer and won't help and even the therapist I have been going to over seven years told me she can't fix what is wrong with me. I go to her as she is nice and someone objective to talk to and she always listens. Peace to everyone here.
I get "lost" on here and have left a message and it somehow was at the end of the messages and not at the beginning. Any suggestions how to find my way around here? Thanks.