Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sandy on June 12, 2009 at 4:24pm

So sorry to be blunt, but, he's not worth your time ! Please try to move on ....
Jana said:

don't know where to start. A very good friend of mine is going
through a tough time. He works overseas, but his parents are here in
the states. At 78 his dad seems to be losing the battle with
lymphoma. Around mid December, the Red Cross flew my friend home on
an emergency flight. It seems that the docs thought his dad was near
the end. His dad stayed in the hospital for 15 days and then went
home. During that time, my friend didn't call, email,
nothing...although he we had planned some holiday time together. I
had cancelled other plans for him....but of course, we didn't know
his dad would take such a drastic turn. Although he is my "friend",
we often acknowledge each other as boyfriend/gfriend. I might add
that we are not teenagers, both are in our mid 40s! Now, he went back
overseas to work without a word...still no communication. He warned
me months ago that he wouldn't handle "that time" very well. He has
been sadder and sadder over the past months and closing himself off
more and more...just throwing himself into work so as not to have
time to think! He admitted to me that his emotions have been on the
surface and he has cried a lot. As I told him, let the tears flow; it
makes him no less of a man! I really care about him and miss him so
much. Should I be mad at him? Some people say his actions...or lack
thereof are inexcusable during the holidays. Yet, I continue to miss
him and try to give him space, time, and the benefit of the doubt.
When he arrived to the states, he immediately came to my office to
surprise me, although he had traveled via plane over 30 hours and
then stayed at the hospital all night...yet that was the only time I
saw or heard from him. I have tried to research middle aged men's
reactions to their dad's terminal illness, grief, etc. Have any of
you experienced anything similar? During the holidays, I wrote emails
a few times saying "thinking of you and your family", etc....but I
know he didn't have internet access, as his dad had it disconnected.
Yet, he did have my home and cell #s! I lost my mom 5 years
ago...suddenly in my arms she died. Her death rocked my world. I
grieved then and still do...always will. Time lessens pain, but never
erases it. My dad was also sick during the holidays, ended up in
ICU, but in another town from my friend's dad. I know that my dad's
time is limited, as he is in very poor health. As a woman, I tend to
reach out to others. I would want my "friend" to be there for
me...for anyone to be there for me. I like to talk, cry, talk. What
do men do??? How do they handle illness and death of a parent? I feel
like NOTHING to him. Alhtough I try to understand, his silence is
killing me and breaking my heart. Although I had hoped for a budding romance, most of all, I so miss his friendship and what we were, even from afar! Should I continue to send uplifting emails, instant messages, or what? ...or should I just disappear and think that my friend just hates me and wants nothing more to do with me? My life feels so empty without him.

Please help!

Permalink Reply by Brian on June 27, 2009 at 1:30am

Hello,

My grandmother, who was very very dear to me, who was really like a mother to me, more than a grandmother. Just passed away tonight. She had been ill and in the hospital. I owe that woman so much, for the good in my life.

Will this hole in my soul, in my heart ever heal. Or am I going to hurt like this forever? If so, I don't want to go on living. As a matter of fact right now as I type this all I want is to go be with my grandma.

Brian

Permalink Reply by Brian on June 27, 2009 at 1:33am

Brian said:

Hello,

My grandmother, who was very very dear to me, who was really like a mother to me, more than a grandmother. Just passed away tonight. Most people don't understand the relationship I had with my grandma. When my mother left my father, and brother and I, she stepped in and made sure we were looked after. If not for her I wouldn't have finished school, wouldn't know my Lord and Saviour and wouldn't be half the man I am today. My grandma had been ill and in the hospital recently, and I knew that this day would eventually come in my life. But that does not lessen the pain I feel right now one iota. Nor does the knowledge that she's gone to be with her Lord and Saviour either. I owe my grandma so much, for the good in my life. And there was so much I wanted to tell her I'll never get the chance to tell her now.

Will this hole in my soul, will this pain in my heart ever heal? Or am I going to hurt like this forever? If so, I don't want to go on living. As a matter of fact right now as I type this, really all I want is to go be with my grandma.

Brian

Permalink Reply by casp231 on June 28, 2009 at 6:12pm

Hi Brian,

I know you are hurting deeply, but your grandmother would not want you to end your life prematurely. She lived her life caring for you and probably others for as long as God would let her and then she went to Him and that is what she would want you to try to do also. Yes, you will have to grieve for now, I understand that. I lost my Dad and my Mom just 16 months apart and I was extremely close to both of them. Don't be afraid to talk about your grandmother with others (family & friends) and tell them of wonderful memories you have of her. Remembering and talking of those memories helps much more than you would think it does. And also don't be afraid to talk to your grandmother - she can hear you. Ask her to help you through the tough days ahead. You just might be surprised at how you feel. But most important of all - Remember your grandmother's life and her legacy and know that she would want you to continue your life until God decides (not you) when it is time for you to leave this earth. Continue to live one day at a time for your grandmother and in her memory.

God Bless You,
Casp231

Brian said:

Hello,
My grandmother, who was very very dear to me, who was really like a mother to me, more than a grandmother. Just passed away tonight. She had been ill and in the hospital. I owe that woman so much, for the good in my life.
Will this hole in my soul, in my heart ever heal. Or am I going to hurt like this forever? If so, I don't want to go on living. As a matter of fact right now as I type this all I want is to go be with my grandma.

Brian

Permalink Reply by Laurie Fitzgerald on July 3, 2009 at 6:15am

Hello Amanda, I am also new too this. I lost my daddy on june 2, 2009, he also was my hero. His death was a shock to all of us, the dr.'s kept telling us he was going to get better and than he would only get worse. What happened with my dad is he was diagnosed with lung cancer in march of this year and he opted to have the surgery to have it removed. The dr.'s where only supposed to remove 1/3 of his right lung but ended up removing 2/3. from the begining of the surgery they had complications. His copd was worse than what they thought, and his wind pipe in his second lobe was deformed so they couldn't get his lung to blow back up. Than they couldn't give him an epidural because of his arthritis in his back. My daddy was only 62, he was a vietnam vet. he was a marine. I was always told that marines where the strongest. He did get released from the hospital after his surgery but ended up going back around eight hours after he got home by an ambulance. He ended up getting some form of pnamonia and also went into acute respitory distress syndrom, so he was put on a resperator. My dad had a living will so we could not leave him on a machine so we as a family decided to take him off the machine. I live every day feeling like did I do the right thing, should I have waited. I remember saying to my step mom one day coming out of the hospital I feel like the bubble is going to burst at any time. My dad was on the machine for almost 2 weeks, and his other organs where shutting down. We were never really prepared as too what was going to happen when they took him off the ventalator. So I have night mares about that all the time, he acted like he was fighting to breath, but the dr.'s said that he wasn't even breathing or trying to breath on his own. So I have that battle going on in my mind all the time. I know what you mean when you say it gets harder. I am crying alot more, I am crying in my sleep now my husband has got to wake me up. I miss him so much more than what I ever thought I ever would. I do not know how I am ever going to go on. I feel like I am going slowly insane. My step mom depended 100% on my dad, she is completely blind, so I know how you feel about feeling guilty if I am having a bad day, I feel like I can't call her. You see I was always the strong one in the family, when ever there was a death I was the one to keep it together. Now I can't and I do not know what to do, and I do not know of any greif counselors in my area, I am on some pretty strong nerve meds but they are starting not to help any more, I stayed up all night long last night. I know that there is someone out there who has gone threw exactley what I am going threw. Could you please point me in the right direction. I just want my life to go back to being somewhat normal. I can't even do my house work, my saddness is affecting my family life, I do not know how much more my husband and my daughter can take before they break and leave, and I actually would not blame them I do not want to drag them into this pit that I have fallen into. I just want to hear my daddy say "I Love you Baby, It's going to be alright." My mind keeps telling me he is not suffering any more and he is in a better place but my heart is breaking more and more and doesn't understand. Any suggestions?

casp231 said:

Hi Amanda,
I am so saddened to hear of the loss of your daddy. I lost my wonderful dad in December 2007. He was my Hero. He was 88 years old and would have turned 89 just one month later. I have 4 brothers and sisters and we knew his health was failing and had talked about it around Thanksgiving of that year. My parents wedding anniversary was Dec 12th and we all wondered if Dad would hold on for his anniversary or his birthday. As it turned out he held on for his anniversary. He died of a heart attack just 5 days after their 62nd

Permalink Reply by rocksmom on July 4, 2009 at 5:08pm

My father died last week. All of my life we have had a difficult relationship. His behavior pushed away all of his friends and family and he was left to be taken care of by a non-related "friend". When he got sick, he tried to reach out to his kids, but would not allow doctors to provide any information as to his condition to me or siblings.
Now he has died. i don't know what he died from. I can't find any obits and as far as I know there is no funeral planned. He hurt me a lot growing up although i know he didn't mean too.
I have tried to put that all past me and overcome my anger, but know i have to grieve while feeling angry and guilty because I didn't fly up to see him when he was sick - had I known what was going on I would have - it's like he tried to get back at me for something even on his death bed.
I don't know how to grieve!

Permalink Reply by casp231 on July 5, 2009 at 3:39pm

Hi Rose,

My heart cries out to you as I say a prayer for you and your family. Losing both parents in a short period of time is one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life. It sounds like you loved your parents as much as any daughter could and "getting back into your normal life" is a challenge to say the least. I keep a photo of my mom at my desk at work and still have the family photos of both mom and dad and the family at home. You may be tempted to put these away because some people will try to tell you that you need to put the past behind you to heal. DON'T DO IT. The best way to heal is to remember the good times, talk about your parents to family and friends, talk about the incredible life they led over those 66 years and the love they had. Keeping their memory alive and remembering the special and good times you had with them your entire life is part of the healing process. And never forget that God is walking with you each step of the way. Every morning when you get up thank Him for your life and the wonderful full life He gave you as a family. And then ask God to give you the strength to carry on and to find the joy your parents would want you to have with your own family who are still here on earth with you.

God Bless You,
casp231

Rose said:

Mom was diagnosed as terminal with a heart condition in late November of 2008. She was told she would not have long to live so our family decided that she should spend her last days at home, not in a hospital or a nursing home. I took on the challenge of taking Mom to my home, I took some time off of work, and took care of her for 3 weeks before she passed. During that time, all of our family (we are a very large close family approximately 24 of us) was able to spend a lot of quality time with Mom. We were able to share her last moments with her. Even though at the end it was very, very hard, I don't regret doing this for Mom and our family, it was the best and the worse thing I have ever done. Mom went through various stages during those three (3) weeks and some of them were scary, yet I tried very hard to remain calm while I took care of her and stood strong for the rest of my family.

The day (December 12, 2008) that the hospice nurse told me it would be Mom's last day I gathered all the family and we all took turns climbing into bed with her and talking to her, laughing with her, crying with her, or doing whatever we felt was natural to each and every one of us. At this point, even though she was in a coma stage and she was not able to talk to us, we all felt her love. The family spent that entire day at my house, just waiting for the moment to come, yet Mom did not die that day.

On the morning of December 13, 2008, I was sleeping next to her. She was a very small lady, about 80 lbs. and about 4'8", so while she was at my home my sister and I often took turns sleeping with her for the fear that her time would come during the night and she would die alone. On December 13, 2008, I reached over, like I normally did in the morning, and I felt her body. Her body was hard to the touch and she had passed. I ran over to the other bedroom where my sister was resting and told her the news. We started crying uncontrollably while my husband tried to comfort us both. Even though we knew this time was coming, it was still very, very hard.

So, we proceeded with funeral arrangements for Mom (in the middle of winter in Wisconsin). I went back to work, tried to get back into the groove of things, and we thought everything would be back to normal. We were wrong...

It started a few months after Mom passed, we ended up taking Dad to the hospital where he was diagnosed as having a very low heart rate and they proceeded to insert a pacemaker. All the time the doctors were trying to explain to Dad that his heart needed fixing with the pacemaker, the only thing he would tell the doctors and the nurses was that he was fine, that he had just lost his wife and that his heart was broken. He received a pacemaker and we came home. He seemed very, very lonely. He insisted on living alone in the house that he and Mom shared, did not want to come live with me or my sister.

We ended up taking Dad to the hospital again in April 2009, for problems with his left leg. They admitted Dad to the hospital and ran lots of tests. While visiting Dad at the hospital (April 29th), many of the family members came and went throughout the day and talked with Dad. He seemed ok, the hospital did lots of tests and everything, for the most part, was absolutely fine with Dad. Yet on April 29th, 2009, later in the evening, after everyone had gone home for the day, Nurse Evelyn called and gave me the terrible news that Dad had just died. I called my siblings, they could not believe that we were all just there with him earlier in the day and now he was gone. Four months later we lost our Dad.

Needless to say, our family has had a terrible last few 6 months. I truly believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason. So, even though I miss Mom and Dad terribly each and every day, I know that they are both very happy now. Dad truly died of a broken heart because him and Mom had been married for over 66 years and their love for each other meant the world to them and we know that they could not live without each other.

So, I decided to share my story in the hopes of helping someone get through the loss of their Mom and/or their Dad. Thank you for allowing me to do this, because I am the oldest girl in the family, I took on the responsibility of having Mom at home, then took care of Dad when he came home after his surgery, I have planned 2 funerals almost back-to-back, but even though I feel very weak and helpless at times, I know that this has made me an even stronger woman than I ever was or will be and I have Mom and Dad to thank for that.

Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on July 6, 2009 at 4:00am

Hi. My name is Elizabeth and I lost my beloved Daddy a week ago. He was only 71 (I am 24). He had a tough year and half before he passed away. He was in and out of hospitals and nursing homes but the doctor's always told us things would get better. It was not until we arrived at the ER the day he passed away that we were told how bad things were. He had pnuemonia, open bed sores, and his kidney's were failing. The doctor told us that he was not fully breathing on his own and that we needed to make a decision. Even if he did make it through all of this he would not have the quality of life that he should he would be bed ridden and would not last more than a few weeks. My mother and I made the painful decision to let him go peacefully. After recieving the last rites from the priest they took him off the respirator and he passed quietly an hour later.

I have always been such a Daddy's girl and this has hit me very hard. I am barely sleeping, I cry at the drop of a hat or I am so mad I begin to throw things. I wonder if things will ever get better. My Grandma (my mom's mom) expects my mom and I to just get right back into life and do the things we would normally do. But it is to hard. I feel like any minute I am going to wake up from this bad dream.

I also have regrets. I regret the fact that I did not ask more questions when we would meet with his doctor's. I feel responsible for all of this. I am also regretful that I was not in the room when he actually passed away. I was too scared to see him like that. Luckily my Aunt had gone with us and was with him in his last moments on earth.

Reading what everyone else has wrote does give me hope that in time things will get better at least in some aspects.

Permalink Reply by Don on July 19, 2009 at 8:47pm

I lost my Dad on July 14th. He really was my hero. He was 87 and I am 42. He had many ailments and I decided to move in with him and my mom to help make things easier for him. That was two years ago. He woke at three in the morning saying he had could't breathe, we called 911, and I started cpr. It was already to late to help him.

I miss so much. He was a career military man. 30 years. WWII, Korea and Vietnam.

He was never very vocal about how much he loved me, but he always showed it in so many other ways. Always there when I needed him. I have cried everyday and always wonder if there was something else I could have done to help him. As hard as this is I would not give up being there for him. He knew I loved him and would do anything for him. I am so glad he didn't die alone, that was his biggest fear.

Love you and miss you Pop.

Permalink Reply by white dove on August 1, 2009 at 12:06pm

hi julianne, Ive tried to post a problem i had with a health facility in WI, twice now it doesn't even come up! But, i found i had to be in the Hospital with my mom during her visit~ Too much happens while under their care. My mom was discharged under "palliative" care for home. Well a Hospice team showed up instead!!!! I was exhausted and in shock. Thinking my mom was coming home to recover. They insisted my mom's doctor ordered this change! I called the nursing association to question this and i got the same answer. A couple months after my dear mom passed, i had an apt. with our doctor. I asked her WHY the change to Hospice? For i feel truly this was the fork in the road that took all hope away from my mom and her will to live. After many many many phone calls and emails, that i had to initiate, i get a registered letter saying, The MISTAKE was a typo made in their computer!! And they are not at liberty to give names, or any policy procedures used~ Like, OOPS it was a mistake, we know you may not be happy with these results. End of subject! I would like to put out a warning to ALL> question every single document, medical care plan and demand to see ALL in writing BEFORE any treatment is carried out. If anyone is interested i can let u know who this monster of a great evil is. Thanks for reading.

Julianne said:

I lost my mom a little over two months ago to septicemia. She went into the hospital with what she thought was simply walking pneumonia, and was dead less than 48 hrs later. The shock of this is still wearing off, but the longer her absence, the more real it all feels. I have two younger siblings, and an older sister who is physically disabled. My dad has been the one keeping us all going. I have no idea what we would do without him.

There are moments, hours, and even days, where I feel like I can't go on. But you do, because you have no other choice. At times I feel like I can't even remember my mom clearly, everything just seems like a fog. And I hate that more than anyhting, because I just want to picture her and be able to imagine her voice.

It's so difficult not having anyone outside of your family who can relate. Friends don't know what to say or do. And unfortunately my family is new to the area, so my nearest friends are a mere 2 hrs away. I definitely find it helpful reading forums such as these, and hopefully some people will add to this particular section.

Permalink Reply by Bobbie Lynn DeMers on August 11, 2009 at 2:24pm

Paula Schneider (white dove) said:

hi julianne, Ive tried to post a problem i had with a health facility in WI, twice now it doesn't even come up! But, i found i had to be in the Hospital with my mom during her visit~ Too much happens while under their care. My mom was discharged under "palliative" care for home. Well a Hospice team showed up instead!!!! I was exhausted and in shock. Thinking my mom was coming home to recover. They insisted my mom's doctor ordered this change! I called the nursing association to question this and i got the same answer. A couple months after my dear mom passed, i had an apt. with our doctor. I asked her WHY the change to Hospice? For i feel truly this was the fork in the road that took all hope away from my mom and her will to live. After many many many phone calls and emails, that i had to initiate, i get a registered letter saying, The MISTAKE was a typo made in their computer!! And they are not at liberty to give names, or any policy procedures used~ Like, OOPS it was a mistake, we know you may not be happy with these results. End of subject! I would like to put out a warning to ALL> question every single document, medical care plan and demand to see ALL in writing BEFORE any treatment is carried out. If anyone is interested i can let u know who this monster of a great evil is. Thanks for reading.

Julianne said:

I lost my mom a little over two months ago to septicemia. She went into the hospital with what she thought was simply walking pneumonia, and was dead less than 48 hrs later. The shock of this is still wearing off, but the longer her absence, the more real it all feels. I have two younger siblings, and an older sister who is physically disabled. My dad has been the one keeping us all going. I have no idea what we would do without him.

There are moments, hours, and even days, where I feel like I can't go on. But you do, because you have no other choice. At times I feel like I can't even remember my mom clearly, everything just seems like a fog. And I hate that more than anyhting, because I just want to picture her and be able to imagine her voice.

It's so difficult not having anyone outside of your family who can relate. Friends don't know what to say or do. And unfortunately my family is new to the area, so my nearest friends are a mere 2 hrs away. I definitely find it helpful reading forums such as these, and hopefully some people will add to this particular section.

Permalink Reply by Bobbie Lynn DeMers on August 11, 2009 at 2:31pm

My mama died in Hospice two weeks after she was took there. I'm replying to Julianne msg, I think, sorry. We don't understand what happened. I feel (as well as other family members) like the medications had something to do with her condition deteriorating so quickly. Maybe even misdiagnosis, from other doctors. I really don't want to think about it. What do you think?

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