Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sharyl Hobson on October 6, 2009 at 8:25am

It has been 5yrs now since I lost my Brother, Mother, and Father all to cancer in just 5 short months. My brother was 45 and I loved him to death. My mom was my best friend, we never went anywhere without each other and I still have a hard time with the fact that they aren't here with me. There is no one else in the family but me and my son, thank God for him and my grandchildren. Not one day goes by when I still cry for them. Since they have passed I changed my carrier and now I am working with elderly people, and it helps me not be as lonley as I am.

Permalink Reply by Mary on October 12, 2009 at 2:35pm

Hi,
I lost my father to liver cancer on my birthday (Sept. 13). I'm really thankful that my dad didn't suffer that much. At first I was coping really well, but now the pain seems unbearable sometimes. What do you do when the pain becomes unbearable and you miss him so much?

Permalink Reply by casp231 on October 13, 2009 at 10:37pm

Hi Mary,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. I lost my father not quite 2 years ago, so your pain is familiar to me. You ask what do you do when the pain is unbearable and you miss him so much? Well, no one can really tell you how to grieve and you are still in the very early stages of grief. I can, however tell you some of the things I did that helped me and if one of these things feels right to you at some point, then try it. One thing I did not do is take down any photographs I had of my Dad. I wanted to see him and be able to say Good Morning to him each day or blow him a silent kiss. I wasn't "holding on" as some people say, I just wanted to keep his memory alive. I prayed for strength to be able to get through just one more day. I talked to friends and when they asked about my Dad, I didn't talk about his death, I talked about his life and the wonderful memories I had of growing up, my adolescence and my adult years with him. I talked about the memories that made me proud of him. And each day and week that past, I noticed that remembering all the wonderful memories, talking about them to others and praying for strength day by day, the pain eased and I had a heart filled with pride that I was the daughter of such a great Dad. Yes, even now almost 2 years after his death, there is still pain at times, but not like what you are feeling now. I pray that you find peace in the memories of times you laughed with your father, in the times you did things together, in memories of when you were a child. Hold on to the happy memories, let your heart fill with faith that he is still with you in your heart forever and try to share your memories with friends or others here on this site. We all need help from one another at times and when you reach out and open up to someone who needs help, it seems to help you too. May God Bless You, Mary. ~Patti

Mary said:

Hi,
I lost my father to liver cancer on my birthday (Sept. 13). I'm really thankful that my dad didn't suffer that much. At first I was coping really well, but now the pain seems unbearable sometimes. What do you do when the pain becomes unbearable and you miss him so much?

Permalink Reply by Samantha on October 23, 2009 at 1:43am

Hi there.

I have been looking around some sort of blog/chat to talk with people who have had the same situation as me to help get advice and to release some of my stress and anxiety.

I am 20 years old and I live in San Diego. I recently lost my step father to cancer - lung cancer that went to the brain and caused tumors, which then led to meningitis and cancer in the cells that are in the spinal cord which basically fed everything int he body with cancer- June 8, 2009. He had raised me since I was about four since my mother remarried because my real father died of a brain tumor about a year after I was born.

My step father coached many of my softball teams throughout my life and was one of the most positive people I have ever met. He always pushed me to succeed and to make myself a better person. My step father not only touched my life but many of my girlfriends who played on the numerous softball teams that he coached. He also had two sons from a previous marriage but they rarely would come by even though they lived about 30 minutes away.

I was a lot closer to my step dad then I probably will ever be to my mother. I guess you can say opposites attracted. My mother is always negative and always looks at the glass as half empty. We have never really got along because she blames her alcoholism on me and would always embarrass me when she was drunk. And now that my step father is gone, she tells me I need to let everything go that ever happened between the two of us and start fresh - but how can over 10 years of mental abuse just be dropped?? I have no idea. So when my step father passed, I moved out of the house to remain as sane as possible. I tired to turn over a new leaf with my mother and I would call her to go out to lunch or just call to tell her how I was doing and she would hardly answer the phone or if she did shed hang up within 5 minutes because someone else was calling on the other line or she would just rush me off the phone as if she was super busy. I feel unwanted now. Now I am holding even more of a resentment towards her because of this. And the part that makes me most upset.. is my boyfriend recently proposed to me a few weeks ago and she wants nothing to do with any of it. I have never planned a wedding before, usually women go to their mothers right?? I tried asking her about how the heck things go and shell brush me off like shes super busy - and its not like she is. She doesnt have a job. She sits at home all day, talking on her cell phone and tries to meet men online. I guess that is her healing process, but I just dont see the point in her pushing her daughter away. Shes just busy spending her insurance money - buying a $50,000 BMW, flying her and her sister out to hawaii for a week, buying a couple $400 Coach purses, $500 watch from a jewelry store - and brags about this to me. When apparently.. she doesnt have money to help me out with my student loans...

I guess basically what I am most upset about is.. my mothers selfishness and how I miss my step fathers go get em' attitude and positivity. Whenever I had a problem I would go to him and we would figure out a plan to over come it. And now that hes not here.. I dont have an adult to help me with advice because my mother is practically worthless because shes almost always drunk and is a waste of my time it seems.

This next chapter of my life - graduating college in a couple months and the whole getting married thing - will definitely be hard without him.

Sorry about the rambling. I just didnt know how to say everything... So.. ya.

Permalink Reply by white dove on October 23, 2009 at 8:41am

Dear Samantha, I was told unfinished problems will arise along with our mourning. Including past relationships that were problems before we lost a loved one. There are So many lets say stages, i went thru, at times feeling so down, half here, crazy, having anxiety attacks.. etc etc etc...also, my father taking ill ending up in ICU. Thought he was passing too, but he pulled out of a coma and is in a medical facility now. HE however, was as u describe your mom to be but worse. So i feel orphaned really. The father remarried years ago and moved out of town. Hence, he cut off most communication quite awhile ago.. so i went thru trying to forgive him!! All with in a couple months of each other. TOO MUCH! It comes down to having to repair and rebuild my life over from scratch~ I used to "adopt" kind people into my heart while growing up, and that worked great! Also so did owning a pet. I know where you are coming from, and i promise, it will get better with time. Gods Blessings to all!

Samantha said:

Hi there.

I have been looking around some sort of blog/chat to talk with people who have had the same situation as me to help get advice and to release some of my stress and anxiety.

I am 20 years old and I live in San Diego. I recently lost my step father to cancer - lung cancer that went to the brain and caused tumors, which then led to meningitis and cancer in the cells that are in the spinal cord which basically fed everything int he body with cancer- June 8, 2009. He had raised me since I was about four since my mother remarried because my real father died of a brain tumor about a year after I was born.

My step father coached many of my softball teams throughout my life and was one of the most positive people I have ever met. He always pushed me to succeed and to make myself a better person. My step father not only touched my life but many of my girlfriends who played on the numerous softball teams that he coached. He also had two sons from a previous marriage but they rarely would come by even though they lived about 30 minutes away.

I was a lot closer to my step dad then I probably will ever be to my mother. I guess you can say opposites attracted. My mother is always negative and always looks at the glass as half empty. We have never really got along because she blames her alcoholism on me and would always embarrass me when she was drunk. And now that my step father is gone, she tells me I need to let everything go that ever happened between the two of us and start fresh - but how can over 10 years of mental abuse just be dropped?? I have no idea. So when my step father passed, I moved out of the house to remain as sane as possible. I tired to turn over a new leaf with my mother and I would call her to go out to lunch or just call to tell her how I was doing and she would hardly answer the phone or if she did shed hang up within 5 minutes because someone else was calling on the other line or she would just rush me off the phone as if she was super busy. I feel unwanted now. Now I am holding even more of a resentment towards her because of this. And the part that makes me most upset.. is my boyfriend recently proposed to me a few weeks ago and she wants nothing to do with any of it. I have never planned a wedding before, usually women go to their mothers right?? I tried asking her about how the heck things go and shell brush me off like shes super busy - and its not like she is. She doesnt have a job. She sits at home all day, talking on her cell phone and tries to meet men online. I guess that is her healing process, but I just dont see the point in her pushing her daughter away. Shes just busy spending her insurance money - buying a $50,000 BMW, flying her and her sister out to hawaii for a week, buying

Permalink Reply by Vicki on October 23, 2009 at 2:14pm

To all losing a parent or parents : I lost my parents 11mos apart . I know how you feel . I felt lost , angry and like a orphan . I had extreme feelings of anxiety and peroids of depression . However I went to work daily to distract myself from it . that helped me a lot . I did get into grief counseling after a while , and for me it was very helpful. I still have my moments , they kind of sneak up on you . I finally have learned to let some things with family members go ie.. I no longer have a relationship with my sister , she was not helpful with them or myself , it was hard to do , but in my case I'm better off for that . As an adult my relationship with my parents was good , so it's bittersweet for me with my memories of them . But I'm at a point that I can look at pictures of them and not cry or be upset . After time you will get there . But YOU must come first now . Life does go on and it's hard to get there . Do not let anyone tell you that they drink or anything else because of you . that is not true , that is their issue not yours. A good friend of mine once told me , you never get over it but you do learn how to adjust , It's been a long road for me 9yrs now . But I'm finding that it's true. In my area there are many support groups to go to . Some were helpful some not , you just have to try to find what works for you . Something I do on B-days holidays etc... is this I go to the cemetry , park or whatever is peaceful for you and I release a bouquet of balloons , with a mass card or small note . sounds weird to some , but I find it so comforting , I just watch them fly off , and I feel better . Just know YOU are not Alone or Crazy it's the grief process and it really is a process. Best Wishes to all , you Will get through it , If I can so can you . Take Care of You now . Vicki

Permalink Reply by terri on October 24, 2009 at 5:05pm

im so sorry for your your loss i lost my father 2 years ago we were best friends i miss him everyday.so i understand and im so very sorry,god bless

Permalink Reply by Sandra Weaver on October 27, 2009 at 8:37pm

My mother passed away on September 29th, my step-father's birthday (the love of her life). For 10 years she lived with liver disease caused by alcohol and depression after the loss of my grandmother, step-father, and my brother. During the past ten years she tried to cope but her grief was too deep. I tried to help by getting her to travel with me and visit my husband, daughter and I. I tried to get her to seek help but to no avail. When she was diagnosed in June that she had end stage liver disease, I was so scared, angry, and sad. I was angry at her and the alcohol, I was scared to lose her and sad by it all. From June to September, her condition moved rapidly and she experienced many complications. But in August, she told me that she wanted to come up here to Chicago and be with us (her family). I made all of the medical and flight arrangements and my husband brought her up here on September 5th. At first it was a little difficult because she was sun downing and confused, but she became clear and alert. We had good moments and we had difficult moments because she wasn't ready to accept some of the medical restrictions. But it was so good to care for her and see her everyday during those three weeks. During her last week, when her kidneys were shutting down she began to accept her destiny (though I believe she knew and that's why she wanted to come). She died in our home surrounded by my husband, daughter, niece, and myself. As we watched her take her last breath it was very peaceful. The hospice nurse was very helpful. A week later we had a beautiful memorial celebration. Since that time the reality that she is no longer here is overwhelming. I carry this emptiness with me and no one can understand the thoughts that I feel throughout the day. I try to focus on work, family, anything, but everything leads back to her. We were so close!! She was my best friend and I was her best friend. We talked everyday- to work and from work and sometimes in between. Not a single event took place that she wasn't a part of in some way. Though we lived miles a part, she spent 2-3 months out of the year here and I went down there 2-3 times a year. She would join me on business trips (where we would have a lot of fun). She adored my daughter and my husband. She was "mommy, mom, granny". I am so tired of hearing that she is in a better place, intellectually I know that, but I want her here with me... Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe and I want to scream. And the only thing I can say is I want my mommy.....

Permalink Reply by EVELYN on October 28, 2009 at 4:35pm

my mother passed july 23 2009 from cancer, iam her baby girl, she was my everything and more, she was mother not just a mom.she taught her children, patience steadfastness and compassion, as she fought the battle of cancer. we watched it diminsh her mentally and physically on the daily, it was difficult to witness.cancer is not the dealth we would have chose for her.my mother was the glue that kept her family together, i miss her so much. we are not the same children we was before beginning this journey with our mother.iam so grateful to have had a mother so dear, thank you god for letting us have her for 78 years, all i do is pray, she taught us that before passing daily, for 49 years of my life, thanks mother i love you.

Permalink Reply by Betty Berg on October 29, 2009 at 1:27pm

Hi,
time has past but it seams to be just yesterday. I lost my Father, he worked too much and his heart could not take it.
My Mother is supporting me alot and together we worked out an online memorial , uploading pictures and sharing memories with other family members and friends, that helped me alot to cope with the loss of my loved father. I can recommend being creative! Thanks http://www.riverofmemories.com

Attachments:

• DSC01973.JPG, 448 KB

Permalink Reply by Priceless on December 15, 2009 at 2:03pm

I lost my dad 3 1/2 months after my mom died. It was real and unbelievable. After mom died, I went home after work for a week straight and did nothing but cry the evening away while listening and watching Mom's video tribute. Little did I know that was the best thing I could have done. I allowed myself to grieve every evening for that week straight. After Dad died we had the house to take care of. Then about 4 months later I could go on with my grief. I attended grief workshop in the fall, attended other grief worship service, 2 hour workshops, and listened to Dad (and Mom's) vidio tributes. I attending Gathering's that really had nothing to do with grief, however they were very much about life and I came to realize afterwards that it helped alot. Now approximately 3 years later, I have just yesterday, washed my Dad's suitcoat. It still had "Dad scent" on it. It was comforting. I have some of mom's clothes, tops - that I wear around the apartment. Even though it seems like it does not get easier, it does. I miss both of my parents very much, however they would want me to go on and have they life they would want me to live. I have been on my knees praying at times. God has really played a part in my life. My faith has carried me through many days. God is very near the broken-hearted. I have recently lost my job due to layoff. My continual faith in God is strong and gets me through. I pray regularly, and also pray the rosary about 2-3 times a week. I thank God for the 3 weeks that I was able to be with Dad the last weekend he was at home and then in the heart hospital. I savor the memories of my folks and Dad's unending love for my mom. Mom & Dad will always remain in my heart. I have numerous pictures to reflect on and the Christmas devotion and Christmas card where I reflected on Mom and Dad. It all helps to ease the loss. God Bless.

Permalink Reply by nancy on January 18, 2010 at 12:04pm

hi my name is nancy i had lost my dad 2 months ago. i am depressed. i experience anger and sleeping problems. one morning when i woke up i was crying. i do not know what to do i this point in time. i miss my dad. i visit his cementry plot.

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