Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by LaQuan Smith on February 16, 2009 at 11:39pm

I found my mother deceased on 2/8/09. She had suffered with the effects of lupus for quite sometime and had a stroke last year and had just gotten progressively worse. I feel like I have been robbed of my best friend because her death was sudden. I will graduate in May and my mom had been there the whole way watching my children and encouraging me she was my biggest cheerleader and she is gone. I feel like I am in a bad dream and can't wake up will this feeling ever go away? Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and everything but on the inside I am falling apart. What do I do to stop the feeling of hopelessness? I just want my mom back...

Permalink Reply by Carlo Cacioppo on February 17, 2009 at 10:45am

oh my...........LaQuan in my case my dad was all that too. That feeling of hoplessness never seems to ease up does it. Dad has been gone 5 years this coming july and I have pics of him all over the house. Every time I pass one of his pics I say "hi dad" and I cary that thought with me all day every day and I know he is here with me. As time goes by it gets a little easier to deal with but the hurt will always be there. Just keep to your routine and take time to grieve with the kids or in private, keep the pics handy and remember all the good times. Mom's strength and your faith will help you through your daily routine. Stay strong and keep on going for someday you will be with her again. Take care and my prayers are with you and the kids. Carlo

Permalink Reply by shawn m krall on February 20, 2009 at 5:12am

hello, i stumbled upon this site because i am very ill with spinal problems and fibromyagia, my mom worked in the medical field but was also my strenth and also someone i could talk to, rely on and always cry to when haveing and bad day. sometimes i called her 9 times aday. i was the only girl in our family and my mom was my best friend. in 2008 i had to leave my job of 12yrs do to my health and also have had some problems with my middle daughter who is 20 up to this point my mom and the doctor she was working for had been working on a plan to help her out the doctor wanted to be her guardian angel to help get her on track as i have tried everything and stress intensifies my issues my mom has been very concerned about me, worried and also had told me she did not know what she would do without me. 2008 has been real hard for me with not working and my husband is in realistate and we all know how bad that is at this time. anyways christmas came 2008 and of course i had my mom at my house as this was the yr my younger brother did not come and my older brother lives in same town yet has maybe seen her 6 time in the yr. also invited him his family and my dad and step mom so they would not be alone. i was exited until the final day as i wanted to do well for my family but my health was bad that day, which causes me to be frustrated and also causes anxiety, mom came early to help me and also we went into my room to talk and calm me so we could get through day and have a wonderful xmas which we did, had it not been for my mom i may not have made it... i love her so . 3 days after xmas my mom had her d-day and turned 60 -, then she had to have a scope of her tummy as her and i had hpylorie which is a tummy infection that was treated and had to be rechecked. they did her ekg to check her heart and then did scope that day she called me all excited as it was all done and she was so happy her heart was good. now we are on the 29th of december 2008 . of course i have her for dinner as always we visit laugh and she lets me know she has all paper work for my daughter for job corp which she had been working real hard for and we needed to get it filled out. after she went home i must have called her 4 or 5 times as always just to talk about nothing and anything she always listens and we laugh. news yrs eve comes and i have coach handbags i sell and have ladies coming to look, mom had called me about 5.30 pm on new yrs eve after she got of work, she sounded so cheery but told her i could not talk at that moment as my purse girls were there and i would call her back at same time i was suppose to be at my husband dads for new yrs invitation also by 530p therefore once the ladies left we had to go, my father in law lives just above us and on the way up i told my husband boy! i sure hope this new yr will be better than last as last yr i lost alot, due to my health, and now fighting deppression on top of that as i had been with my job for 13yrs as their bookeeper and wanted to retire from there good benefits, union, medical all gone and now waiting for ssd. after we left my husbands dads my good daughter who is 23 wanted my husband to come celebrate new yrs with them, i dont drink so i took him out there stayed a couple hrs just to be kind and then came home with my youngest until it was time to pick daddy up. i cleaned up some of my xmas decor, she got fancy and made a cake to show dad she could bake without moms help. and then i had to go get my guy. by the time i got home it was 1130p or 1200a and i remembered i hadnt called mom back so i did cause she is usually up late , when i called i let it ring 7 times when no answer i stopped as i figured she was in bed as she had been tired as she worked fulltime at clinic and then the rest of the wk a 2nd job so she could make ends meet things had been tough with her finacially also real strapped and still could not pay all. thinking she was tired and in bed i did not want to call again and disturb her i would just go over and see her next day and also pick up paper work for my daughter so we did just that i and 2 of my girls youngest 14 and middle 20. january 1st 2009 i find my mom dead on her kichen floor they said it was her heart. this year sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she was my best friend i never left my home to shop or anything unless we were together. plus with my health i have fallen asleep from chronic fatigue while driving home from work therefore i never wanted to go out alone. i called her sometimes 9 times a day, i dont have friends i hang out with i love my girls and husband but it is not the same. who am i gonna call? if there is a movie on at night i dont care for it i would just call mom to visit. now i wander from room to room doing nothing, as if i am lost, i am lost!!! my 2 oldest girls said mom you can call us. i tried, not by their fault at all i hear well mom i am real tired tonight i will call you tomorrow so you see it is not the same. mom didnt care how early how late sometimes we said nothing just heard breathing then would talk again. i do good for 3 days then whens its bedtime i cannot sleep so my wheels turn and cry until 230a and my head hurts so bad by morning i am vomiting. I am 42yrs old and i am so sad i lost such a important person to me and i am having a real hard time getting through. she was not only my friend but my rock and when my body hurts so bad i would call my mom and she would come right after work or just talk me thru it. 3 wks before she passed she told my oldest daughter that i was the most caring and giving person she had ever met in her life and that if she ever won the lottery i would be her first choice to share with, halloween is my favorite holiday, there is not one hallo we have missed dressing on until 08 my oldest daughter was sick in hosp. we had all bought our costumes already and my mom said if hayley is to sick im not dressing up and i said me neither. of course hayley felt bad but i said its fine now next yr we dont have to buy one. my mom didnt see me for 1wk after that i invited her up for dinner i had to go to my room for something and she followed, she looked at me and started crying she said i have missed you so much and i love you so much i dont know what i would do if something ever happeded and i lost you then i cryed held her close and told her how much i loved her and that i felt the same way and then 4 mths later she leaves me. I dont know what i am ever going to do without her. i feel so lost and lonely i want her back so badly and i want her to come see me like others are so lucky to be able to have happen to them just to know for sure they are happy. i have started church to get me out once a wk and my husband has went with me , but so far nothing seems to help. i have been given books from a couselor and father ed those just make me cry. help!!!! shawn marie k. so much for my wish for a better year . I would like everyone to know i do show lots but not tons of strenghth for my husband and my girls as i dont want them to worry to much as i love them too. but im tired and it is making weak.

Permalink Reply by Eraseandrewind on March 16, 2009 at 1:27pm

Well, my Mom passed almost one year ago to date. I've been browsing through the articles here and found one that hits so incredibly close to home. After my mother died, I helped out constantly, dealt with paperwork and spent nights at my dad's home. I have to get on with my own life, but my dad can't seem to function without me. I'm stiffled with feelings of being smothered. I worry about him constantly. About 3 months after my Mom's death one of my siblings considered it appropriate to have her husband approach my Father with their opinion of his estate, which wasn't entirely up to date (in writing) at the time of my Mothers death. I'm not sure why, but my parents, Mom in particular, was verbal about her wishes as it relates to their home. It was after her death that my Sister decided to voice her opinion about that via her husband. Sending her husband to my Father, 3 months after my Mothers death, letting him know who should and shouldn't get what, who is undeserving and who is, all according to their standards. I'm still shocked and embaressed for them. I have been renounced as a sibling and I'm ok with that but my Father, what a struggle, I thought everyone was managing relatively well until that day. This conversation led to a relocation for me, I searched for weeks for a new home for my cat and myself, scrambling to get away from the cold and oversized basement I rented from my Sister and her husband. 6 months in and I'm totally embaressed to admit I have probably added to my Fathers grief by moving home with him. Here I am, stuck, feeling like a replacement, terribly missing my space and it's nobody's fault but my own. I was so careful to insist after all the outageous ideas my Dad came out with in an effort to be helpful that he should not be making major decisions for a while ... then I go and move into his space, and even worse I want to leave it. The first anniversary of her death is fast approaching, I had planned something of a memorial and was satisfied that it would also be comforting to my Father. I mentioned it to my Brother and he managed to somehow emotionally and mentally pick it apart, challenging my reasons for acknowledging her death, completely overlooking how comforted he knows having family around makes my Dad feel. I've since decided to look after my own memorial for Mom, I'd like my Dad to be there and my Brother can show up if he wants I guess ... I feel like I shouldn't even extend an invitiation, it would seem my siblings have issues with their relationship with Dad, instead of working on that they choose to carry on as if nothing has changed. I too have an issue with my relationship with my Father, I feel like it impeeds my ability to really support him emotionally, I'm trying to work on that but it's really tough to ask my Dad to develop an interest in improving our relationship while he's grieving. I had thought becoming closer with him would help but it's as if I'm asking for too much attention. Anyhow, I'm glad to have found this place and look forward to reading more and perhaps finding someone in the same situation with me. I also look forward to talking more about my Mom. I feel like a certain area of grief for me has been lost on the family falling apart. I'm focusing entirely too much on the rest of the family and what's happened instead of myself and my Mom.

Permalink Reply by Lisa-Marie on March 21, 2009 at 4:39pm

I am reaching out to anyone. I feel like my world is spinning and I can't find anything to hold onto. A month ago my Mom was killed in a car accident. She flipped her car four to five times down the highway into a ditch of water. Yesterday I talked to the coroner and without a final report he suggested that she had drowned. My mind keeps replaying this over and over. I am 40 years old but I had no idea how much Mom's death would effect me. I never got to say goodbye. There was so much left unsaid. My sister and I are orphaned. I don't know what to feel, from total numbness to excruciating pain. Help?

Permalink Reply by Lisa-Marie on March 22, 2009 at 12:50am

My Mom died a week before her 58th birthday. Her funeral was held the day before. I find myself consumed with thoughts of my Mama, did she hurt? was she scared? Did she realize what had happened? I have been attending college in Nursing but I dropped out until next semester so I can have some time to digest all of this. I feel like I have tunnel vision. Seeing Mama in the casket was the oddest, my only other experience with death was two years ago, pregnant with twin girls, they died in utero in my sixth month. Mom was there as I gave birth and held them and cried. I still feel numb about the babies and everything seems so disjointed. As a nurse I should be able to accept and understand the physiological process of death and the cycle of life but I am as lost as anybody. I feel like my life was starting to slowly come together after the loss of my girls and the following divorce then to be hit with my mom's death is just too much. I know I should try to think of others and realize I am not the first or only to experience this pain. I didn't know this could hurt so much. I don't mean to come across so desperate but right now I guess that is how I am feeling. My sister is hurting as much as I am so to try to talk together is difficult because I don't want to add to her own grieve. So here I am looking for people to talk to...to be heard. I feel invisible.

Permalink Reply by Debby Cacioppo on March 22, 2009 at 10:23am

Hi Lisa,
It sure sounds like you have had your share of losses. Just remember that God never gives you more than you can handle. If you talk to him about your grief he will help you find the way. I lost my Mother on December 19th 2008. I miss her so much. I talk to her sometimes and it helps. I lost my Father 17 years ago so mom lived with me all that time. I saw both of them take their last breaths. People tell you it gets easier with time, and it does but, there may always be the unexpected thought that causes you to feel as if it just happened yesterday. If you need a friend to talk to just let me know and I will help as much as I can. I assure you you are not alone, and you are not invisible.
God Bless
Debby

Permalink Reply by denise on March 23, 2009 at 4:10pm

Lisa-Marie said:

My Mom died a week before her 58th birthday. Her funeral was held the day before. I find myself consumed with thoughts of my Mama, did she hurt? was she scared? Did she realize what had happened? I have been attending college in Nursing but I dropped out until next semester so I can have some time to digest all of this. I feel like I have tunnel vision. Seeing Mama in the casket was the oddest, my only other experience with death was two years ago, pregnant with twin girls, they died in utero in my sixth month. Mom was there as I gave birth and held them and cried. I still feel numb about the babies and everything seems so disjointed. As a nurse I should be able to accept and understand the physiological process of death and the cycle of life but I am as lost as anybody. I feel like my life was starting to slowly come together after the loss of my girls and the following divorce then to be hit with my mom's death is just too much. I know I should try to think of others and realize I am not the first or only to experience this pain. I didn't know this could hurt so much. I don't mean to come across so desperate but right now I guess that is how I am feeling. My sister is hurting as much as I am so to try to talk together is difficult because I don't want to add to her own grieve. So here I am looking for people to talk to...to be heard. I feel invisible.

Permalink Reply by Cindy Hardy on April 3, 2009 at 8:28pm

denise said:

Lisa-Marie said:

My Mom died a week before her 58th birthday. Her funeral was held the day before. I find myself consumed with thoughts of my Mama, did she hurt? was she scared? Did she realize what had happened? I have been attending college in Nursing but I dropped out until next semester so I can have some time to digest all of this. I feel like I have tunnel vision. Seeing Mama in the casket was the oddest, my only other experience with death was two years ago, pregnant with twin girls, they died in utero in my sixth month. Mom was there as I gave birth and held them and cried. I still feel numb about the babies and everything seems so disjointed. As a nurse I should be able to accept and understand the physiological process of death and the cycle of life but I am as lost as anybody. I feel like my life was starting to slowly come together after the loss of my girls and the following divorce then to be hit with my mom's death is just too much. I know I should try to think of others and realize I am not the first or only to experience this pain. I didn't know this could hurt so much. I don't mean to come across so desperate but right now I guess that is how I am feeling. My sister is hurting as much as I am so to try to talk together is difficult because I don't want to add to her own grieve. So here I am looking for people to talk to...to be heard. I feel invisible.

Permalink Reply by Melinda on April 4, 2009 at 1:26pm

Hi Lisa, I know what lost is all about. Lost to me is a weired word to use because when we loose something we can usually find it. I have experienced a lot of lost in the last couple of years and still find myself looking for something. I am not sure what. The only thing i can think of is piece. I lost the following loved ones:

I was also pregent and lost a baby girl early, and than lost two of triplets.
Kevin Arron Ade - Loving nephew - APRIL 2007 to a drunk driver he was 19
John Ade - The best father in law in the world - MAY 2007 to suddon dealth
Gerald Connelly Sr - My loving father & dear friend - JUNE 2007 to cancer (6 mths)
Ron Ade - Uncle (father-in-laws brother) - AUGUST 2007 to suddon dealth
Gary McCormick Jr - Cousin - MAY 2008 to cancer (1 mth)
Mike Bellino - Friend and coworker of 11 yrs - JUNE 2008 to suicide
Danny Gawle - Nephew & dear friend - SEPTEMBER 2008 to suicide

I know what it is like to have the world spin around you. I am still stuck back on the day that this nightmare all started. I want to turn back the clock. There is things that are left undone and still have to be done and i just dont know how to do it. I had a chance to say goodbye to my dad and let him know i love him and got to hold his hand during his last breath. That was the greatest gift my mom could have every gave me. But i still have the 'what ifs' and the 'i should have said'. And it still bothers me today that i did not tell him that i would miss him terribly. I did get to tell him i loved him. I wish i could say that over time it gets better. But i do think you come to a place and time that you know you have to move forward and you will. You will get stuck every once and a while but you will than move forward again. I am hoping this is a process of healing. I know i miss my father more than i can every say. I have no friends, my family are my friends. But since my father and father-in-law have gone, both families are not the same and as close anymore. I am 42 and the one thing i can say is that i have a great relationship with my parents. When i lost my father i lost a part of me. I dont know what the future holds for me when i loose my mom. She is my world for me. I do have a husband and two children, but you need a should now and again. And it is good to have someone your age that you can lean on. I dont have that and now it is to late for me. Find someone to talk to and you know what i miss that hugh hug you get from someone who knows how you are feeling, dont ask any questions and just gives you that big bear hug. That make me feel good. That is what i am sending you now that big hug, not saying anything and knowing just how you are feeling. Know that there are people out there who care and this site has wonderful people who do care and know the pain you are in. Thanks to everyone for words of comfort when we all need it. Sorry for going on and on.....

Permalink Reply by Teresa on April 5, 2009 at 1:35pm

Lisa Marie, as with all others, I'm soo sorry for your losses & sorry i can't say anything to make the pain and heartache go away...... I live in a very small town, where violence is literally unheard of, especially violent crimes, but last night my mother was shot at close range with a souped up shotgun and it tore her body to pieces. She was on her front porch when this happened.the gunman then turned the gun on himself and committed suicide? My mother and i had an extremely close bond and shared 'EVERYTHING', we were best friends and saw each other every single day.... She was living with a man that had moved in her home with her and when i went over to ask for a few of my mom's 'personal items'... none of finacial worth, he pitched a fit. Also, he never shed a tear and complained more about the 'mess' in the house from the gunfire, than my mom's body laying there with her inside falling out. How do i cope with live in bf, when i was the daughter who was closest to her and it was "ME" who looked out for her and noone else.
Now my family has shunned me to the side and told me they would call when the funeral arrangts. would be. I'm about to lose it. How do you cope and go on?
I can't eat, sleep, think, nothing. Im single, no children and have no one to comfort me, I got so upset over at my moms house, that i had to leave and come to my apt. all alone and not one soul has even called to check on me. I left cuz my moms bf, kept complaining about the mess and seemed unphased by the whole thing. Talk about a COLD HEART!! God Help Me!!

Lisa-Marie said:

I am reaching out to anyone. I feel like my world is spinning and I can't find anything to hold onto. A month ago my Mom was killed in a car accident. She flipped her car four to five times down the highway into a ditch of water. Yesterday I talked to the coroner and without a final report he suggested that she had drowned. My mind keeps replaying this over and over. I am 40 years old but I had no idea how much Mom's death would effect me. I never got to say goodbye. There was so much left unsaid. My sister and I are orphaned. I don't know what to feel, from total numbness to excruciating pain. Help?

Permalink Reply by Rita Huszar on April 23, 2009 at 11:56pm

Hi Jason..

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish I had the words to take the pain away... No matter what anyone says it won't erase the fact that your Dad is gone. My Mom passed away in December and she was sick for about a year. My sister and I were there when Mom took her last breaths and I still see her when I go to bed. It's not as often and I think of her in all the good times.
I keep thinking that she didn't want to be sick like she was and she didn't want to go on like that. She was very independant and having to rely on everyone was just a foreign thing to her. Now, I have pictures of her all over the house and I see her as she was.. A very beutiful person inside and out. We will always miss them, but you will learn to cope and start remembering the good times for sure. Also, think that your Father would want you to be strong, as I'm sure he was when his parents passed on.. We all have to remember we will all meet one day, and until that time we have to feel fortunate that we had the great parents we had..
Take the time and grieve.. We all need to, and it will get somewhat easier as time goes on.
God bless and take care of you.
Rita

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