Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Thomasine Smith on November 1, 2008 at 1:51am

Where do I start. I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my mother-in-law twelve years ago. We were very good friends and traveled quite a bit together. We spoke on the phone several times a day. About a year before she died we had to care for her but I'd gladly do it again if I could just have her back. My dad died about eight years ago. I really miss him and think of him often. Three years ago, my brother died. We had grown close and I find myself thinking of him often. One of things that have helped me to cope is my faith in God and the hope of a resurrection. I believe that one day I'll see my loved ones. They won't be sick and they won't be sad. At John 5:28, 29, it reads in part: Marvel not at this: for the hour is coming, in which all that are in the graves shall hear his voice, And shall come forth. I look forward to the time when I can talk and be with my loved ones. I have so much to tell them. Until that time, I pray to God often. I cry when I'm feeling overwhelmed and missing them so much. However, I know that I'm never alone, even when I'm at my lowest, God will hear my prayers and he will help me. He will hear you and he will help you too. Take care and let's keep in touch.

Permalink Reply by Carlo Cacioppo on August 13, 2008 at 12:41pm

TCS, Nicole, Kim, Melinda..........
How hard it is to look for as well as find comfort in other peoples words of wisdom. The constant feeling of regret that we didn't do or say what we should have while we still had our loved ones at our sides. To find solace in what we all have experienced at one time or another sometimes helps alot and sometimes, very little. To all of you that have lost so much and grieved so much for losing so many at one time........, oh how my heart goes out to you.
To these doctors who go to school for so many years, who say, "don't worry, we will run more tests till we find out what it is", you said that to me about my dad and I had to ask you if you previously did a particular test and was told no, it was never considered, and I had to say, "DO IT ANYWAY, IT MIGHT GIVE US AN ANSWER. Yes to all of you that need to find comfort in all our wisdom that we have to deal with people in medicine that must remain emotionally unattached to the patient and it frustrates us to no end sometimes. I also lost 4 people in 2 months back in 91 and I was pall bearer for all four, Grandma, uncle, brother-in-law (my best friend doug), and co-worker. I had a breakdown and was admitted to a hospital. After I was in the locked down ward for 5 days I had a dream where my grandma came to me and said, "carlo, I am at peace now, I am with grandpa and the rest of the family, please let me go and go take care of your mother. Well that was all I needed apparently and told my social worker the next day and they all knew I was going to be ok and was released.
So see everyone........ sometimes grief is a little bit at a time and sometimes it is dumped on us in big doses all at once, and knowing that in order for any one of us to cope with all these "Family Disasters" as I call them, we just have to take a look at ourselves, see that there is comfort and solice at the turn of every corner for we are all here to heal eachother as best we can. Its not easy to do whatsoever, we all know that. Ok, I have talked too long and I apologize for that. I am here for anyone that needs a friend day or night. And May the Angels Sleep on All of Your Pillows. Carlo

Permalink Reply by Melinda on August 13, 2008 at 4:08pm

Hi Carlo, thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it. It is very hard to move forward. I feel guilty sometimes when i do laught and have a good time with my kids and i know that my dad would be upset with me for not laughing and enjoying my kids. but how do you get by the missing and guilt of just plain living. He is in my every thought. I just can wait to be able to smile at his picture, instead of sheading a tear on it. Thanks again for your thoughts.

Permalink Reply by lesley decker on August 27, 2008 at 8:48am

I'm new to this website I just found out about it today. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Father 4 months ago and am just now dealing with my grief. God Bless you and your family

Permalink Reply by darlene on September 1, 2008 at 1:16am

Hi Julienne I also lost my mom ,she passed march 17 2008,I know how you feel because I can't really get my mama pictured in my head anymore,my mama was 82 and she got very sick,I feel really guilty because of the way she suffered,When I think about her I actually get chest pains,I miss her so much,Julianne I older than you and have lost other family members,I know that right now your heart is broken ,but please believe it does get easier with time,I wish I could say or do something to help you,my daughter also lost her husband ten days after my mom died ,and her little girl is having a tough time also.I am glad you have your father there to help you,I will say a prayer for your family .

Permalink Reply by Christine on September 1, 2008 at 4:51am

My dad died on Tuesday. He was 57. He drank all his life but around 5 years ago things got bad for him... we all knew he had a problem but he didn't see it. He ended up having some sort of seizure and went to the hospital where after a few days he was released and my step-mom kicked him out (with all of our support).. he moved to Texas for a while - staying with my Grandmother) and proving that he could be a non-drinker to get back into his wife's good graces and come home. He was sober for a little over 3 years. During that time was when I moved from OR to CA to be closer to him.. he was doing soooo, sooooo well. He was working full time, going to school full time and helping run a full time family business with the hopes of turning over a legacy to his children. He graduated with a Bachelor's of Science, he saw his two younger children get married... everything was going so great. Then for whatever reason, addiction overcame him again and he started drinking on the sly about a year and a half ago. I think it had to do with the loss he was feeling as a male client of the familiy business (home health care) passed away. My dad had always been super close to this man and probably thought of him as a father figure. Anyway, Dad started drinking again and soon 2 more male clients died and each time Dad seemed to sink further and further into a sadness I can't really explain. My sister decided she didn't want to see Dad kill himself (as he was told by the hospital and doctors would happen if he ever started drinking again).... so she distanced herself. I started losing respect for him but everyone (including my sister) still tried to encourage him to see his problem or to get help or to just cope. About 6 months ago he started downhill really fast. Only about maybe 2 months or so ago he went to the doctor with my brother. Thank god for my brother. Anyway, dad said he wanted to stop .. the doctors were blunt and honest. dad tried to stop but started again. Then when he lost all his appetite, his stomach was filled with fluid, he did stop. but it was too late. His liver was done. the ammonia couldn't be passed and it went to his brain making him uncoordinated, confused, etc. he fell so many times. got so bruised and cut up. hospice got involved. he rallied for a bit, he then got worse. relatives came to town and tuesday at about noon he died. sometimes i forget he isn't around anymore. i want to call him and ask him about something he would be so good at helping with. the dad he was for the past half year isn't how i want to remember him of course. at night (like now) i can't sleep and i go to this legacy.com page for comfort. i feel so empty and numb. i can't imagine how the future will be without him.

Permalink Reply by Nicole on September 1, 2008 at 10:07am

Dear Christine,

I hear your suffering. It sounds and feels familiar. My mother was a recovering alcoholic when she passed away. She also knew that if she picked up another drink, it would kill her. I know there aren't any words that are comforting - there really can't be when you think about it. One of the things that helped me was knowing that things happen for a reason - and we may NEVER know what that reason is. The nighttime is often the worst...when everything is quiet, and you're stuck with the thoughts in your head. The upside that I can share with you is that although it seems impossible now, you will be able to smile and laugh without shedding tears when thinking of your Dad in the near future. Just know that you're not alone - and as you have done already - reach out when you need to.

Take care & my thoughts are with you.

-nicole

Permalink Reply by Carlo Cacioppo on September 10, 2008 at 7:18pm

Hello everyone, today is the second day of every year when emotions run high here for me in northern california. (1) Today is dad's birthday. (2) The other day of the year that is emotionally draining is the day he passed which is july 23. So here we go.......everyone who is down, depressed, saddened and trying to cope with the loss of a loved one............help me out here and I will give back to you all ten fold..........................................HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!!!!!!, Everyone here and all my extended family at LEGACY CONNECT wish you a wonderful 88th Earth Birthday. Party with the rest of the family and give my love to all. Ok Legacy family of mine, on 3........1, 2,.............3,HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARLO..........

Ok folks, that may have sounded a little unusual but that is how I heal my sorrow sometimes, by talking to my pop and getting others involved like you all.

Permalink Reply by Karen B on September 10, 2008 at 7:30pm

Carlo,
I just joined this site yesterday and need to tell you that although I don't know you , you have helped me. My Dad died just 4 weeks ago after a 6 week hospital stay. He also had alzheimers. His life however was taken by a lung condition we never knew he had. I carry so much guilt because I convinced him to go to the hospital and he trusted me to "fix" him. I truley believe he never thought he would die. He was confused but oh so stubborn. He fought to the very end. I am so overwelmed with heartbreak that I cry every night and ask for him to forgive me for letting him down. I can only hopr that one day he will be able to give me a sign that he is ok the way your grandmother came to you in your dream. I am so scared that he may still be scared, lonely and confused. I just wish I knew he was ok and forgives me.

Permalink Reply by Thomasine Smith on November 1, 2008 at 2:19am

We suffer when a loved one dies. The loss of a parent is one of the most difficult experiences of a lifetime. It can make you feel abandoned and vulnerable. You can also feel that you let your parent down. However, you did not let him down. You did what you could. That's all any one of us can do. Your dad is okay. He is not in any pain or lonely or confused. When Jesus' friend Lazarus died, he compared this to sleep. Why? Because he knew that he would be able to awaken him. One day he will awaken all those who are in the memorial tombs, according to John 5:28, 29. Until that time they are sleeping, not in pain. Solomon explained at Ecclesiastes 9:5, 10 what death means, saying: “The living are conscious that they will die; but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all.” This means that they are not in pain or confused or lonely.

I hope this helps. I don't know if you are a religous person. But I have found that reading the Bible and prayer to God helps. I can't say that you won't still have strong emotions -- like missing your father or even extreme bouts are sadness. But I can say, that drawing close to God will help. And in the long run, it will be a sustaining force in your life.

Permalink Reply by Lee on September 10, 2008 at 8:44pm

Hang in there, Carlo! I have no doubt that your father is proud of the way that you have been handling such a difficult and emotional time. You've become a shoulder to lean on for so many people here. Our thoughts are with you on your dad's birthday.

Permalink Reply by Debby Cacioppo on September 10, 2008 at 8:04pm

Dear Carlo,
I know Dad is sitting somewhere saying..." That's my Son!!!" He has a big smile on his face and a bow from a present stuck to his forehead. I just know his cake is covered with bananas and strawberries. I also know how proud he is that you are constanly finding strength in helping other people deal with the grief of losing their loved ones. I am also very proud of you, and want you to know how thankful I am that you are in my life. Ti Amo

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