Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 24, 2009 at 9:30pm

Barry,
That is a beautiful website that you made for your beloved. You can see how much you love him in each in every part of it. You are right we all are different but share so much. I am thankful that I have found a place that there are people I can talk to. It helps some. Still most of the time I feel as if I am losing my mind. I only had my soulmate for 3 short years but they were the best 3 years of myb life. All though we were still learning so much about each other it was as if we had been together for 50 years we just fit.
Thank you for visiting the website I sometimes think that so many have forgotton what a great and wonderful caring person my husband was.

Permalink Reply by sue on April 24, 2009 at 11:12pm

Barry, I visited your site and it was truly beautiful. Robert has beautiful blue eyes. That is what I remember most about Tom, his beautiful blue eyes. I have always thought the quote about the "eyes being the window to the soul" made so much sense.
I am so sad for you that you didn't feel you could share your relationship with Robert. I can't imagine. You made the comment about "being in the bible belt" but honestly Robert, a true Christian is taught to accept people through grace. I know it isn't always that way but love is love. You were blessed and Robert was blessed to have a love that lasted through all the pain and struggles. He was blessed to have you and you were blessed to have him. You will see him again some day, I believe that. I do feel your pain.
Your mom is beautiful. I lost my beautiful mother only 8 months before Tom. So much pain. Your mom looks like my long time friend who is lebanese(can't spell). She and I used to tan together as young women and she would get more in a couple hours than I could all summer. I always thought she was so pretty with that dark hair and skin. She still is at 60. Thanks for sharing your site. Suep

Permalink Reply by catherine Minshew on April 25, 2009 at 3:44pm

I visited Robert, Bruno and Annette's websites and they are very beautiful. I can see so much love there; they were very lucky people to have had you for partners. I am sure they are proud of what you have done for them. I am in the process of trying to do one for Earl and hope I can convey the same feeling of love and respect for his memory that you did for Robert Bruno and Annette.
I also have a tattoo of Earl’s name; however I got it 3 months after we met, in fact before he ever told me he loved me. I knew the moment he smiled at me he was the one. It is on my left hip and is his name weaved in the shape of flower petals on top of a stem with leaves. I designed it and it floored him when I finally showed it to him after he said he loved me, which wasn’t long after I did it. He was very proud that I would have his name tattooed on my body, and I told him that he had already tattooed it on my heart, and I will never regret either one. The one on my hip is a little faded but the one on my heart is as bold as ever.
Thank you so much to all of you who share your feelings, I don't know what I would have done had I not found this site.

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on April 25, 2009 at 5:59pm

Christine, Lisa, Sue and Catherine, Thank you so much for visiting My Robert’s Legacy memorial website and the kind words you have all expressed. It means more than you could know.
No matter how much time passes I hurt from missing Robert as if it were just yesterday. Since I don’t have children, my siblings won’t speak with me now, I have no family to talk to and even Robert’s family won’t communicate with me. I am, essentially, going through my loss and grief alone. I’ve learned not to get too emotional with people because it usually frightens them away. It’s sad but true. I only get emotional now when I am at home, alone.
Sue, thank you for the kind words and for signing Robert’s Guest Book. That really meant a lot to me. Also, thank you for the kind words about my Mother. I never realized just how beautiful she was. I guess I never looked at her except as my Mother. Was I ever enlightened?! Mom and Robert were, pretty much, the only two people who were dearest to me in this life. I could always rely on them, without question.
I must admit that Legacy Connect has been a great way for all of us to share and realize that Love is Love and that, although we are all unique beings, we are very similar beings.
Again, Thank You all. Barry

Permalink Reply by sue on April 25, 2009 at 6:27pm

Barry, that is funny to hear you say "I never looked at her as anyone other than my mother". Years ago I worked at the college my son attended and I made him call me Ms. instead of Mom because I didn't want all those guys calling me mom.
Anyway as guys do, he heard some remarks about me and had to say, "that's my mom". No one could believe it because he has always looked older and I younger but it was fun for he and I to discuss later. He said he had never thought about his mom like that. That is a good thing.
I feel so bad that your family and his family are behaving so poorly. I too was hurt by my husbands family and all the worse knowing it would have been so different if it would have been Tom left behind. My family would have surrounded him due to their love for me.
I don't know details but I encourage you to keep trying with your family and maybe his to if it is important to you . I think sometimes people are just grieving themselves and you are a reminder. Time could create a need to know you from his family, because he is gone and they know he loved you. I also encourage you to seek out people you can be honest with and talk about Robert. That helps so much. There are so many things you know about him that his family doesn't. What about his Mom? Maybe she would be open. I just struggle with any family member that would not be there for you if you reach out. I think sometimes they wait for you to ask. I always think people are not as aware as we assume they are! I also feel that they are kinder than we allow them to be at times. I struggle with asking for help as most strong people do. It only takes a couple people to trust and the healing can begin. I am a little concerned about you and I also feel sad for your pain.
You sound like such a nice young man and I honestly feel you will be happy again. You deserve it and I feel Robert would want it for you. Sincerely, Suep

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 25, 2009 at 6:47pm

I dont even know where to begin with how bad today was. I work the weekends and Saturdays are not good days for me anymore because it marks "another week" that she is gone. Well, I do try to be ok and not show my emotions at work, but sometimes I just can't control it.. like today. I cried cause something reminded me of her. And I was just not in the best of moods. I keep to myself as much as I can and I dont expect.. nor want.. to be honest.. people bothering me. On three occasions I got the " whats wrong"?? And people actually are kinda surprised that I am still not ok!! Its only been 9 weeks! So sorry that I'm not as thrilled as they want me to be! They say whats wrong like I should be over it and happy by now.. I'm thinking to myself.. Oh.. well.. I dont know.. let me think about it... yeah maybe cause my whole life and everything that was anything is gone!! I understand that SOME people mean well.. but today i have heard.. " there is light at the end of the tunnel"... " Life is worth living".. You need to start smiling again".... " you will see her again in heaven"... I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. And ALL of these people still have their husbands or wives. Not one of them has any clue as to what I am going through but they are so filled with advice on how to live. I wouldnt wish this on anyone but I sometimes wish that just for a minute.. without it actually happening to them, they could feel what it really feels like.. to come home from work.. put your key in the door and know that there is nothing on the other side of it. To go to sleep in the bed that you shared with the love of your life and have it empty. To eat TV dinners because the thought of cooking is to much to bear. To have the silence in your home so quiet it is deafening. To see them in your mind every minute of every day.. talking or laughing or just being. To have all of their things exactly where they left them because you cant and dont want to move them. But even if they could feel it.. it wouldnt be real and they dont have to do this day after day after day...
I'm sorry i'm so depressing its just been a really bad day and I have no one to talk to but you guys!

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 25, 2009 at 9:00pm

Barry I know how you feel as far as my husbands family goes. He has two older sons from his first marriage and his oldest son had nothing to do with us for 2 1/2 years. It was'nt until my husband got sick that his son even came and seen him. His youngest son was closer to us (at least I thought) once the services were over and done with I was told that I could send his kids things for birthdays, Christmas etc. But that he and his wife would pefer to have no contact with me ( all because I would'nt let my husbands ex-wife come to his funreal at my husband request he did'nt want her there). My husband has no other family his mother left him on his grandparnets door step as a baby in Germany and then he came here at 12 and she threw his out on the streets at 15 so his sons and grandkids were all he has.
Sue my family to would have surrounded my husband they all loved him very much he would have hell getting rid of them.

I guess I have went on long enough thanks again to you all.
You are all in my thoughts each and every day.

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on April 26, 2009 at 6:16pm

Christine, you and I could write a book. It just proves that grief and loss is such a personal thing. We all handle it differently and at our own pace. It’s approaching two years on May 8th and I still feel exactly what you just expressed. I don’t even feel like getting out of bed some days. I wake up, hoping that the nightmare is over, but when I see the pictures of Robert that I’ve put up it lets me know that the nightmare is not over. I still cannot believe it’s real.

Lisa, I sent Robert’s parents a photo book and a DVD with the slide shows of Robert, My Mom and my brother at least six weeks ago. In my letter I told them that if they want the school pictures of Robert to just let me know. I haven’t heard from them yet. They haven’t even acknowledged that they received the package but I’m sure they did. I don’t even know what to think any longer. Talk about hurt – I will just let it go for now because I don't even know what to think. I know that Robert’s mother would have liked the photo book because there are photos of Him that she has never seen. They will never know the extent to which I Love Robert. I am so tired of being here in this life without Him. I miss Robert more than life itself.

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/robertwilsonkopler
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/vilmadopsonharnamji
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/darinneilharnamji

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 26, 2009 at 7:27pm

Annette's family had "keepsakes" made for myself, her brother and sister. It is her ashes that I wear on a chain, along with her ring. The one I got is called a teardrop and it is different looking so alot of people will ask what it is. Alot of the customers at work will ask and I just say it is my partner/wife's ashes.. I call her different things depending on who I am speaking with. They will say "oh, i'm sorry" and pretty much let it go. Which is fine. The other day there were maybe 5 or 6 business men having drinks ( im a bartender), and one of the men asked about it and I told him, he said how sorry he was that it must be devastating.. and then he asked..." what was her name"? I dont think he had any idea how much his asking that meant to me. People sometimes dont want to make me talk about her or just dont want to hear.. not sure which one! But.. She was here and still is, and she was somebody who should not be "not talked about". I hope i am making sense cause sometimes it is hard to put the words you want to say together correctly when it is in typing not talking. Yes it hurts, but I do want to talk about her. I think they just get scared and figure dont ever mention her again and it will all be ok.. so not true.

BarryWHK said:

Christine, you and I could write a book. It just proves that grief and loss is such a personal thing. We all handle it differently and at our own pace. It’s approaching two years on May 8th and I still feel exactly what you just expressed. I don’t even feel like getting out of bed some days. I wake up, hoping that the nightmare is over, but when I see the pictures of Robert that I’ve put up it lets me know that the nightmare is not over. I still cannot believe it’s real.

Lisa, I sent Robert’s parents a photo book and a DVD with the slide shows of Robert, My Mom and my brother at least six weeks ago. In my letter I told them that if they want the school pictures of Robert to just let me know. I haven’t heard from them yet. They haven’t even acknowledged that they received the package but I’m sure they did. I don’t even know what to think any longer. Talk about hurt – I will just let it go for now because I don't even know what to think. I know that Robert’s mother would have liked the photo book because there are photos of Him that she has never seen. They will never know the extent to which I Love Robert. I am so tired of being here in this life without Him. I miss Robert more than life itself.

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/robertwilsonkopler
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/vilmadopsonharnamji
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/darinneilharnamji

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 26, 2009 at 7:45pm

Christine,
I wear a locket around my neck that has my husbands hair clippings in it that says forever in my heart written on it. There are some prople out there that I think really so want to heat about our loss but there again I think that there are others that ask that don't know what they are getting into when they ask. You made total since when you said that she was someone that should not not be talked about I feel that same way over my husband. I want to talk about him I want people to know how wonderful he is.

Barry,
I am so sorry to hear that not only is his family being that way but so is yours. I don't care if you are a man inlove with another man or a woman inlove with another women or a women inlove with a man love is love it is a matter of the heart and soul not gender. Just know that you are worth loving if you were'nt then Robert would not have chose you.



Christine said:

Annette's family had "keepsakes" made for myself, her brother and sister. It is her ashes that I wear on a chain, along with her ring. The one I got is called a teardrop and it is different looking so alot of people will ask what it is. Alot of the customers at work will ask and I just say it is my partner/wife's ashes.. I call her different things depending on who I am speaking with. They will say "oh, i'm sorry" and pretty much let it go. Which is fine. The other day there were maybe 5 or 6 business men having drinks ( im a bartender), and one of the men asked about it and I told him, he said how sorry he was that it must be devastating.. and then he asked..." what was her name"? I dont think he had any idea how much his asking that meant to me. People sometimes dont want to make me talk about her or just dont want to hear.. not sure which one! But.. She was here and still is, and she was somebody who should not be "not talked about". I hope i am making sense cause sometimes it is hard to put the words you want to say together correctly when it is in typing not talking. Yes it hurts, but I do want to talk about her. I think they just get scared and figure dont ever mention her again and it will all be ok.. so not true.

BarryWHK said:

Christine, you and I could write a book. It just proves that grief and loss is such a personal thing. We all handle it differently and at our own pace. It’s approaching two years on May 8th and I still feel exactly what you just expressed. I don’t even feel like getting out of bed some days. I wake up, hoping that the nightmare is over, but when I see the pictures of Robert that I’ve put up it lets me know that the nightmare is not over. I still cannot believe it’s real.

Lisa, I sent Robert’s parents a photo book and a DVD with the slide shows of Robert, My Mom and my brother at least six weeks ago. In my letter I told them that if they want the school pictures of Robert to just let me know. I haven’t heard from them yet. They haven’t even acknowledged that they received the package but I’m sure they did. I don’t even know what to think any longer. Talk about hurt – I will just let it go for now because I don't even know what to think. I know that Robert’s mother would have liked the photo book because there are photos of Him that she has never seen. They will never know the extent to which I Love Robert. I am so tired of being here in this life without Him. I miss Robert more than life itself.

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/robertwilsonkopler
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/vilmadopsonharnamji
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/darinneilharnamji

Permalink Reply by sue on April 27, 2009 at 11:08am

Lisa, your husband was very blessed and I am sure he knew it, to be loved by your family. I know my husband was and he often said just that.
My step son was a nightmare and cost me so much money to get him out of my life and while I was treating him like a son, until I realized what he was doing and that was a couple months down the road. He had not been a good son to his father and had just come back into his fathers life two months prior to his death. He really hurt me but it helped me to forget about him and not feel any moral obligation to him what so ever. He is not worth my concern any longer and we don't have to put up with his attitude hurting "our Tom" any longer.
My husband had given him some temporary work since the man can't seem to keep a job and he was actually the one that found him after he passed. This man called me screaming "my dad is dead", over and over again. Always about himself. He was screaming in a high pitched voice and I couldn't even understand what he was saying or I didn't want to believe it. He then hung up on me. I called the number back and when I was getting no where I asked if there was someone else there to talk to me and thank God there was. Anyway, that was how I found out. I will always wonder about that situation. The coroner said he died like the "snap of a finger" but my husband had 65 cents on him and I struggle to think that was all he had. He always carried a lot of cash on him or hidden in his van since he dealt in a lot of cash in his business. This guy took off in the van and stole all the tools and I couldn't prove he had them. I did get the van back but it was empty. Duh, I was in so much pain and this was my husbands son, so I forgave him and let him back into my life against everyones advise. He then came to our home each time I left and stole things. He had a key I found out later. I know Tom didn't give it to him because he wasn't even allowed in his garage without him since he had stolen from Tom from a very early age. He went out to the property we own and took the tractor and back hoe and I had to pay someone to mow it. He got a lawyer finally when I stopped his stealing but I got none of the things back he had taken and had to give him a lot more and pay legal fees. I was in no way geared toward dealing with that kind of person and especially at this time in my life. It is so hard to believe that some people can go from grief to greed in a moment. He got nothing I wouldn't have given him gladly because we thought he was trying to get his life straight.
As a final note, if any of you don't have a will, please get one. If you die without a will the state decides for you and it will cause problems. Approx 75% of people in my step do just that. If you have step children all the more important. We had two appointments and my guy was just so busy and didn't feel it was that important as of course he wasn't going to die until he was old. I should have pushed but I too was naive. In my state, anything you can't prove is YOURS, they can get have of it. It isn't what they can get but how much they can cost you to get it over with. I settled but had I taken him to court it would have cost more. He set himself up as the administrator over Tom's estae and had his dad's mail coming to a post office box. In order to get him out of that position I had to go to court and drag it on for years so I settled. He would have gotten a lot more from me, but now he can't come back and he and I are done.
I am sorry to ramble on but I so want to impress upone everyone I meet to get a will because it is amazing how many people don't. Just do it. Suep

Permalink Reply by Pauline on April 27, 2009 at 2:31pm

Sue I feel so sorry for you having to go through what you did with your stepson. My husband of 16 years had 4 children from his previous marriage and for those 16 years 2 of his sons were my constant nightmare, if I hadnt stepped in earlier on in their lives my husband would have been gone years ago - as much as he loved his children they did very little in return to show their appreciation and when he died nothing was any different - everyone knew Grahams time was anytime but well as you know youre not prepared for anything.

6 months before Graham died we shifted from one end of the country to the other and all our children were miles away and they couldnt understand why I bought their father so far away from them.. I bought him home to where he was born and I feel at peace that he was meant to be here closer to his mother and siblings - anyway when I rung his oldest son I knew in his voice he was going to come down and cause grief - his sister arrived before him which was good so she was able to keep him under control. Unfortunately for one of the brothers who is in Australia he was unable to come home for his dads funeral because his big brother had been using his name and running up fines all over the country .. to come home would have been okay but to get out of NZ back to Australia to his family would have been hard so he missed his dads funeral and he was the only son that deserved to be here he was the only one that rung us regularly to see how we were, how his dad was and even to this day he still is the only one who rings us

Anyway the oldest son came down ranting and raving that he was not happy that I was having his dad cremated even after explaining it to him my reasons he was not going to listen to reason - but I stood my ground luckily enough when Graham and I bought a business we had both renewed our wills and I was also his power of attorney but unfortunately in the will we did not discuss funeral arrangements so I dug my heels in and just told him that I was not going to bury my husband somewhere I was not going to be forever that I was not ready to let him go and I know that when the time comes I will let him go and I will know where and when and until then he will remain with me .. I offered them all a part of their dads ashes but they all agreed that he stay together and they know I will look after him..why did he have to cause me so much stress as if I wasnt under enough.. At the end of it all as far as I was concerned I was Grahams wife and I didnt need to ask their input but I felt that they needed to accept what I was doing for their dad and really did want their blessing...in the end I got it..but they also had my own children to contend with..as sad a fact as it was my own children knew Graham better than his own kids and whose fault was that theirs!! His youngest son hadnt seen his dad for 4 years and he has 2 grandchildren that we never met and probably never will. His oldest son, well, only knew his dad and I when he wanted something or needed somewhere to live or needed to be bailed out of trouble...the other 2 kept in constant touch..this is sad but true and yes now 3 months down the track I have not heard from any of them apart from our son in Australia but I wasnt expecting anythin more they are all so predictable..so I am carrying on life with our son and my own children who are getting me through this..

sue said:

Lisa, your husband was very blessed and I am sure he knew it, to be loved by your family. I know my husband was and he often said just that.
My step son was a nightmare and cost me so much money to get him out of my life and while I was treating him like a son, until I realized what he was doing and that was a couple months down the road. He had not been a good son to his father and had just come back into his fathers life two months prior to his death. He really hurt me but it helped me to forget about him and not feel any moral obligation to him what so ever. He is not worth my concern any longer and we don't have to put up with his attitude hurting "our Tom" any longer.
My husband had given him some temporary work since the man can't seem to keep a job and he was actually the one that found him after he passed. This man called me screaming "my dad is dead", over and over again. Always about himself. He was screaming in a high pitched voice and I couldn't even understand what he was saying or I didn't want to believe it. He then hung up on me. I called the number back and when I was getting no where I asked if there was someone else there to talk to me and thank God there was. Anyway, that was how I found out. I will always wonder about that situation. The coroner said he died like the "snap of a finger" but my husband had 65 cents on him and I struggle to think that was all he had. He always carried a lot of cash on him or hidden in his van since he dealt in a lot of cash in his business. This guy took off in the van and stole all the tools and I couldn't prove he had them. I did get the van back but it was empty. Duh, I was in so much pain and this was my husbands son, so I forgave him and let him back into my life against everyones advise. He then came to our home each time I left and stole things. He had a key I found out later. I know Tom didn't give it to him because he wasn't even allowed in his garage without him since he had stolen from Tom from a very early age. He went out to the property we own and took the tractor and back hoe and I had to pay someone to mow it. He got a lawyer finally when I stopped his stealing but I got none of the things back he had taken and had to give him a lot more and pay legal fees. I was in no way geared toward dealing with that kind of person and especially at this time in my life. It is so hard to believe that some people can go from grief to greed in a moment. He got nothing I wouldn't have given him gladly because we thought he was trying to get his life straight.
As a final note, if any of you don't have a will, please get one. If you die without a will the state decides for you and it will cause problems. Approx 75% of people in my step do just that. If you have step children all the more important. We had two appointments and my guy was just so busy and didn't feel it was that important as of course he wasn't going to die until he was old. I should have pushed but I too was naive. In my state, anything you can't prove is YOURS, they can get have of it. It isn't what they can get but how much they can cost you to get it over with. I settled but had I taken him to court it would have cost more. He set himself up as the administrator over Tom's estae and had his dad's mail coming to a post office box. In order to get him out of that position I had to go to court and drag it on for years so I settled. He would have gotten a lot more from me, but now he can't come back and he and I are done.
I am sorry to ramble on but I so want to impress upone everyone I meet to get a will because it is amazing how many people don't. Just do it. Suep

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