Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on May 9, 2009 at 2:17am

christine,
mark passed away on 17th feb 09 so we are more or less in the same time frame.
like you i do not feel him around me and that is upsetting me a lot....maybe it has something to do with the duration....since they passed i mean.
only had like two fragmented dreams and he was not happy at all.
did i mention that someone said that his soul will not be at peace unless he sees me a bit happier....?
HOW CAN I BE HAPPY ? my whole world has collapsed.
we are going onto one year since mark went to hospital and now with my dad there it is like a continuation..
do not get me wrong...the misery of losing mark has shrouded my whole life...i am not happy about my dad being in hospital but had mark been alive i know i could have handled it in a more positive way.
i feel my misery is getting beyond me and just cannot stop crying.
i still cannot get myself to live at our home and i feel like i am betraying him but it is too overwhelming for me.
as i write tears stream down my face...am thinking of getting some meds as i really do feel i am getting worse..

hi einars
thanks your words.
yes i am aware that the pain is so intense because my love for mark is so intense but i feel like i am plummetting further and further down into this miserable abyss.
how i wish i had gone with him...this is not a life !!!

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 9, 2009 at 3:29pm

Einars,
Thank you for talking to me I know to the feeling of not having another sunny day since Bruno has been gone. I live in Texas and although the weather here has not been bad it seems like each and every day there is no sun and that I will live in this darkness forever. I think that we wish that we had the answers for each other I just know it helps me to know that there are people out there that can relate to what I am going through. It has been a week since I have went to the graveside to see my beloved it gets harder and harder each and every time that I have to leave. I get these awful pictures in my mind of him laying in that box and the flowers dyeing in there with him and him being closed up and in the dark. The nightmares won't stop coming all though I have prayed and prayed for them to. Maybe this is Gods way of punishing me for things that I have done in the past.
I to know that if given the choice my baby would not have left me here to indure this pain. He hated it when I cried or was upset.
I just want to thank each of you for listening and contuineing to come here and share.

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 9, 2009 at 8:04pm

I am not sure if any of you have heard this song but I thought I would post the lyrics it fits all of us so well. You can you tube the video. I think this song says allot of what we all feel!!!



Keith Anderson, I Still Miss You Lyrics
Looking for Keith Anderson tabs and chords? Browse alphabet (above).

Artist: Anderson Keith
Song: I Still Miss You
Album: Keith Anderson - C'mon Keith Anderson Sheet Music
Keith Anderson CDs


Send “I Still Miss You” Ringtone to Cell Phone

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 9, 2009 at 9:50pm

Lisa, I have heard it but I just downloaded it to computer to hear again. words too true.. The one that got me the other day was carrie underwood - just a dream- cried and cried

Lisa said:

I am not sure if any of you have heard this song but I thought I would post the lyrics it fits all of us so well. You can you tube the video. I think this song says allot of what we all feel!!!



Keith Anderson, I Still Miss You Lyrics
Looking for Keith Anderson tabs and chords? Browse alphabet (above).

Artist: Anderson Keith
Song: I Still Miss You
Album: Keith Anderson - C'mon Keith Anderson Sheet Music
Keith Anderson CDs


Send “I Still Miss You” Ringtone to Cell Phone

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 10, 2009 at 12:28am

annalise, I think I need some meds too or something. Its getting so much worse. Im just sinking into further and further depression. So many people told me that day by day it would get a little easier.. yeah right.. In reality its only been 11 weeks today since she left but it feels like an eternity sometimes. Lately, all I have been doing is working.. coming home.. checking to see how all of you are on this site.. and getting in bed and crying myself to sleep for awhile. I talk to her all the time but I wonder if she is here. Does she see how I am.. how does she feel about it. We used to have kind of arguments over who would have it worse if she died.. ( cause she had a terminal illness for so long it was kind of our reality that God forbid she couldnt get better... yeah she didnt).. anyway, she thought that it was worse for her because she was the one who was dying and that it wasnt worse for me cause I would still be alive.. I remember telling her.. "who the hell would want to be alive after losing the one you love".. I said " do you have any idea what this will do to me?" She still thought it was worse for her... wonder what she thinks now.

annalise samuel lapira said:

christine,
mark passed away on 17th feb 09 so we are more or less in the same time frame.
like you i do not feel him around me and that is upsetting me a lot....maybe it has something to do with the duration....since they passed i mean.
only had like two fragmented dreams and he was not happy at all.
did i mention that someone said that his soul will not be at peace unless he sees me a bit happier....?
HOW CAN I BE HAPPY ? my whole world has collapsed.
we are going onto one year since mark went to hospital and now with my dad there it is like a continuation..
do not get me wrong...the misery of losing mark has shrouded my whole life...i am not happy about my dad being in hospital but had mark been alive i know i could have handled it in a more positive way.
i feel my misery is getting beyond me and just cannot stop crying.
i still cannot get myself to live at our home and i feel like i am betraying him but it is too overwhelming for me.
as i write tears stream down my face...am thinking of getting some meds as i really do feel i am getting worse..

hi einars
thanks your words.
yes i am aware that the pain is so intense because my love for mark is so intense but i feel like i am plummetting further and further down into this miserable abyss.
how i wish i had gone with him...this is not a life !!!

Permalink Reply by einars simons on May 10, 2009 at 6:41am

hi christine so very sorry for your loss .Its a year and some since my marilyn died and the anguish has not gone away she is with me always except I dont dream of her but I dont dwell on it.I tried meds of various sorts but nothing changes the pain remains.I so wish I could wave a magic wand for us all and our loved ones would come back as that seems to be the only way we would find peace.thanks for sharing einars

Permalink Reply by einars simons on May 10, 2009 at 7:13am

hi lisa thank you for replying and sharing.The song by keith anderson is so fitting I too have drank stayed sober used meds prayed hated god etc in my pursuit of ridding myself of this pain.Nothing changes and I can only be accepting and endure.Here in Ottawa Canada it has been raining for two days just like i feel but today i want to get bunches of daisies to put on mairlyns grave.I too visit quite frequently but it is a very peaceful spot and in the summer i used to sit for hours and speak to mairlyn.thanks again lisa for sharing einars

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 10, 2009 at 7:02pm

Annalise & Christine,
I went to the doctor and he put me on an antidepressante which also has a antisucidal drug with it. At first I was so numb that I felt nothing nothing at all I mean I could'nt cry I could'nt be happy I mean I had no feelings. It worried me cause it kept me from crying or feeling anything over my husbands death it made me feel like I was the worse person in the world cause I knew how much pain I was in I just could'nt feel it anymore. You would have thought that I would have been relifed but I was'nt. After talking to the doctor about it he convinced me to stay with it that this was just a side affect of the meds building up in my system. I did and that feeling went away. Now there are so many days that I wish that I could feel numb like that again. The meds help me not want to kill myself but now I still feel the pain and I am still not happy and I still feel like I am losing my mind. The doctor has told me that I will be on it the rest of my life. I would have to say that it has not made me miss my husband any less I still cry myself to sleep. I still miss him so much I don't know what to do. I don't know if this helps you in any way but I just thought I would share my experance with the meds that I am on. I also am on sleeping pills that don't really make me sleep but I keep taking them just in hopes that they might help some night.
You are in my thoughts and prayers
Lisa

Permalink Reply by Pauline on May 10, 2009 at 8:23pm

Lisa

I am sorry to hear that things got so bad that you had to go on medication..when I rung our GP to tell him of Grahams passing he was comforting and also told me that if I needed anything to help me get by to go and see him .. as much as I want to I cant .. its bad enough I dont even take my own blood pressure tablets ( you think I would knowing that my consequences could be just like my husbands - and I always get the same lecture from my kids and the GP but I dont care anymore I just want my baby back!!)

The thought of taking tablets to me is the same effect as drinking no matter how much we take - the heartache will still be there when we sober up - I know I went there after the funeral and then 4 days later my darlings birthday and then the following month my first birthday in 16 years without him..I drunk and got drunk and I cried .. I howled - my poor daughters just couldnt handle it they had never seen me in such a state and so I put an end to the drinking - I will have a drink but only social..next month will be our 11th wedding anniversary - my god how do I get over that..it just goes on and on ...

Last week I had to put my husbands wedding band away I had been wearing it all this time and while he was in hospital because he was so puffy it didnt fit his finger ... I was devastated to have to take it off but I must be losing weight because the ring was slipping off my finger and I was so frightened of losing it but it is safe with his glasses and medical bracelet all together in his silver 50th mug on top of his ashes..it hurt but I know its safe..I wont have it resized because I had the inside engraved before we got married..forever always xxx P .. this will go to OUR son when he is old enough to look after it and I hope he treasures it as much as his dad did..Graham would not remove his ring for anything..

Einars - thank you for your words - it is good that you have come back to this page I have made a strong link with everyone here and I think I can say for all of us that no matter what we are going through we get a little strength from each other off here and it is comforting to know we can express ourselves..

Take care everyone
Pauline

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on May 11, 2009 at 3:12am

yes...those lyrics are so appropriate....i am still crying reading them over and over again.

..thanks for your input re the meds....just wish i could get something to help me out...did not sleep at all last nite and my mind was obviously going over and over every bit of mark's saga in hospital....not the good memories we spent over the past 12 months but the awful pain and experiments he underwent during the past months.....oh why cant i think of the good times ???!!!

pauline,
i have not touched a drop of alcohol since mark took ill cos i know what will happen to me....my tears and wailing will never stop..so am really scared to touch the stuff.....
i used to love going out drinking with my honey.....but these are horrible times now and i know myself....i will be a disaster zone.
do not want to interfere but why don't u wear Graham's wedding ring round your neck on a strong chain...forgive me if i am interfering but that is what i have done with mark's and when i touch it i get some comfort. And it will be close to your heart..i also have a locket with some hair clippings and an eyelash (he had beautiful long lashes) which i keep close to my heart.

christine..
it is 13 weeks tmow for me.....and i can tell u i feel worse than ever...
i really and honestly do wish i could say....hey dear friends...i am finally feeling a bit better......but i dont
God help us

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 11, 2009 at 7:03pm

These last few days have been absolutely terrible. Crying all the time, irritated at everything, just plain bitchy. I cant even pretend to be happy at work. I have been in such a state of depression its even annoying me.. cant imagine those around me.. Im really trying to get a grip on this.. its just getting worse and worse. I cant afford a doctor so I just try to deal with it. Last night, I was cooking dinner for my son, and was cutting a loaf of french bread.. annette always wanted me to save the ends of the bread cause she liked them.. so when i went to cut the bread I busted out crying.. its little things too that get us. I cant do this.. I HATE THIS.. I WANT HER BACK.. and it doesnt matter what I do.. that aint gonna happen. Its crazy.. I was just thinking yesterday that the idea of growing old no longer has any appeal.. Not when the only one you cared to do that with.. for some reason.. had to leave.
Im sorry for being SO down today.. I hope all of you are better than i am today.

annalise samuel lapira said:

yes...those lyrics are so appropriate....i am still crying reading them over and over again.

..thanks for your input re the meds....just wish i could get something to help me out...did not sleep at all last nite and my mind was obviously going over and over every bit of mark's saga in hospital....not the good memories we spent over the past 12 months but the awful pain and experiments he underwent during the past months.....oh why cant i think of the good times ???!!!

pauline,
i have not touched a drop of alcohol since mark took ill cos i know what will happen to me....my tears and wailing will never stop..so am really scared to touch the stuff.....
i used to love going out drinking with my honey.....but these are horrible times now and i know myself....i will be a disaster zone.
do not want to interfere but why don't u wear Graham's wedding ring round your neck on a strong chain...forgive me if i am interfering but that is what i have done with mark's and when i touch it i get some comfort. And it will be close to your heart..i also have a locket with some hair clippings and an eyelash (he had beautiful long lashes) which i keep close to my heart.

christine..
it is 13 weeks tmow for me.....and i can tell u i feel worse than ever...
i really and honestly do wish i could say....hey dear friends...i am finally feeling a bit better......but i dont
God help us

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on May 12, 2009 at 1:57am

hi christine
if it is any consolation i am just as bad as you are.
seem to keep getting worse instead of better...last night i dreamt quite a bit....
but again mark never entered my dreams...why why why ?? am i unconsciously blocking him out.
when i am awake all i do is think of him so this is really strange :(
i cannot carry on struggling like this...life has become an ugly trap without my darling Mark...sorry christine...not much support am i but i know exactly what u are feeling....

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