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Annelise

Graham had such big fingers so his ring is quite large and heavy so wearing it on a chain makes it even heavier - however I went out and bought myself a locket and I have Grahams photo in it and I wear it everywhere - it gives me comfort when I am down and I am always touching it and kissing it to give me strength .. But I feel it is now too small so I have found myself the ideal size one and will be getting that one when I can afford it. As much as I would love to wear his ring its okay I know Graham will understand..

The drinking was spose to be a celebration for his birthday - his life but it just bought out my inner true feelings and you know I dont care it was one way of releasing for me okay I got drunk but just for that moment I forgot how much pain I was in..only for a moment

I have got a miserable cold and a heavy chest and feeling like this makes me wonder how Graham put up living with such uncomfortableness!! - Ive only got it temporarily he had it most of his life - I salute you my darling - how did you endure such pain for so long... forgive me for not understanding and sometimes being angry at you when I was tired and just wanted to sleep and now I am angry with myself for doing this to you ...for letting you suffer and in silence you did..my love I am so sorry......................
Pauline, I have gotten drunk a few times since she passed. Cried and screamed and yelled.. at her... at anything. Not a very good combination but.. who cares. I also am in amazement sometimes of the pain she endured everyday for 9 years. Even though it was caused by her own actions.. I know it was not something that she wished for but I still have so much anger at her sometimes. Through it all, I never said a word to her about it, I just took care of her. She didnt need to hear it from me.. She lived with her choices everyday of her life. My love for her has never lessened through it all. I still get mad at her for leaving me. She promised me forever.. she promised we would grow old together and not to worry about her.. she would be fine..
Pauline, I dont have to tell you how hard it can be to care for someone so ill. It takes a toll on us in every way. I dont know you or Graham, but I believe that he knows how much you love him. I think he knows that you did all you could for him. I think in lots of ways we all have some regret somewhere.. in hindsight there is always so much we think we should have done different.. God knows I do.. Just keep talking to him and tell him everything your heart feels.. he hears you and chances are he is by your side as your telling him.


Pauline said:
Annelise

Graham had such big fingers so his ring is quite large and heavy so wearing it on a chain makes it even heavier - however I went out and bought myself a locket and I have Grahams photo in it and I wear it everywhere - it gives me comfort when I am down and I am always touching it and kissing it to give me strength .. But I feel it is now too small so I have found myself the ideal size one and will be getting that one when I can afford it. As much as I would love to wear his ring its okay I know Graham will understand..

The drinking was spose to be a celebration for his birthday - his life but it just bought out my inner true feelings and you know I dont care it was one way of releasing for me okay I got drunk but just for that moment I forgot how much pain I was in..only for a moment

I have got a miserable cold and a heavy chest and feeling like this makes me wonder how Graham put up living with such uncomfortableness!! - Ive only got it temporarily he had it most of his life - I salute you my darling - how did you endure such pain for so long... forgive me for not understanding and sometimes being angry at you when I was tired and just wanted to sleep and now I am angry with myself for doing this to you ...for letting you suffer and in silence you did..my love I am so sorry......................
annalise, annette is in my mind also constantly.. There is not a moment in the day that I am not thinking about her and I thought that I would dream of her too.. but.. I don't. I don't get it either. Its 2 am and I have to get up at 630.. but i am sitting here crying my eyes out talking to her picture..

annalise samuel lapira said:
hi christine
if it is any consolation i am just as bad as you are.
seem to keep getting worse instead of better...last night i dreamt quite a bit....
but again mark never entered my dreams...why why why ?? am i unconsciously blocking him out.
when i am awake all i do is think of him so this is really strange :(
i cannot carry on struggling like this...life has become an ugly trap without my darling Mark...sorry christine...not much support am i but i know exactly what u are feeling....
christine
i hope u managed to get some shut-eye since u last wrote.
i dont get it either....my mum dreamt about Mark, my colleague dreamt about Mark...whereas my dreams were very fragmented ..very sparse and he was not at all happy..i keep thinking that i might have done something wrong :(

this morning i had to go to the bank to settle mark's accounts.
i had to go to the branch in valletta (the capital of Malta)
it is an old city scattered with outdoor cafeterias and restaurants.
i used to frequent it so often with mark but this morning all i did was cry trying to avoid the memories but not suceeding very well..it reminds me so much of him.
Got to the bank in quite a state....

does it ever get a bit less painful????
I completely understand where all of you are coming from. My days are fast but my nights are the longest. When I do dream which is not often cause I don't sleep and IF my darling is in them he is dyeing over and over again or I am dreaming of him laying in his casket under ground with flowers dyeing all around him (This seems so morbid). I have not had a good dream about Bruno since his death. I to get angry with him for leaving me he promised that he was healthy when we got together and he promised me forever just to leave me 3 years later.
I got a phone call from "his" daughter-in-law today the first in almost 6 months. I don't know if you all remember me saying that he had 2 sons from his first marriage or not but anyhow this is his youngest sons wife. ( She put me thru hell when my darling passed, texted me saying that Bruno would not want to be with me in heaven but would chose his ex-wife for eternity) Anyhow she calls me today asking me for a copy of my husbands death record that "they" were putting together a scrap book about my husbands life and that was the ONLY thing they needed from me. No pictures of us together or our wedding NOTHING. Oh and she threw in there that I could still send her sons birthday present that he needed cloths. What do you do with something like that. I know that my husband would not want me to let them walk all over me like that but I also made him a promise to take care of the grandkids. HELP!!!!
I am so hurt and so angry that I just wish he was here so that I could scream at him and ask him how much more am I suppose to take.
hi lisa same predicament last while all i dwell on is last three days of marilyns life i was with her at the hospice when she died one breath and she was gone.i knew she was dieing but it was not supposed to be.days i manage working but it is all by rote as i have been surveying for so long.evenings and weekends are hell.lately been very angry fought with my sister and her husband as no idea of the walk we are walking and they fight about such inconsequential stuff.they have each other and dont treat it with respect unreal.still get up every two hours at night as before when checking to make sure marilyn took her pain killers everytwohours.so very afraid of myself as i just cannot let marilyn go.same pain nothing has changed one iota and now it seems to be a question of why even go on.just want to thank you pauline annalise christine for sharing cry when i read your words but helps me realize i am not alone in this miserable place called life .einars
Lisa, I cant believe this woman actually had the nerve to tell you that about your husband's ex-wife.. what is wrong with some people. I am sorry that in addition to trying to deal with bruno being gone you have the added benefit of heartless selfish people. My heart goes out to you.

Lisa said:
I got a phone call from "his" daughter-in-law today the first in almost 6 months. I don't know if you all remember me saying that he had 2 sons from his first marriage or not but anyhow this is his youngest sons wife. ( She put me thru hell when my darling passed, texted me saying that Bruno would not want to be with me in heaven but would chose his ex-wife for eternity) Anyhow she calls me today asking me for a copy of my husbands death record that "they" were putting together a scrap book about my husbands life and that was the ONLY thing they needed from me. No pictures of us together or our wedding NOTHING. Oh and she threw in there that I could still send her sons birthday present that he needed cloths. What do you do with something like that. I know that my husband would not want me to let them walk all over me like that but I also made him a promise to take care of the grandkids. HELP!!!!
I am so hurt and so angry that I just wish he was here so that I could scream at him and ask him how much more am I suppose to take.
Einars, I have also been dwelling on the last three days of annettes life. She was in the hospital in Albuquerque which is about 3 or so hours north of where we live. I went to see her tuesday and thursday which were my days off. I wanted to stay with her more but have a young son that I need to get to school everyday and just couldnt afford not to work and keep the home going. She was suppose to go to denver and get the liver transplant. The last time I spoke with her was on tuesday Feb 17th when i went up to see her. She wasnt great but had no idea it would be the last I would speak to her. On the way up on Thursday the 19th we got the call that she was starting the dying process. She was unresponsive and couldnt speak or open her eyes. I stayed by her side the whole time, taking care of her, and she passed on Saturday the 21st. I still see every moment.. it just keeps replaying in my mind.

einars simons said:
hi lisa same predicament last while all i dwell on is last three days of marilyns life i was with her at the hospice when she died one breath and she was gone.i knew she was dieing but it was not supposed to be.days i manage working but it is all by rote as i have been surveying for so long.evenings and weekends are hell.lately been very angry fought with my sister and her husband as no idea of the walk we are walking and they fight about such inconsequential stuff.they have each other and dont treat it with respect unreal.still get up every two hours at night as before when checking to make sure marilyn took her pain killers everytwohours.so very afraid of myself as i just cannot let marilyn go.same pain nothing has changed one iota and now it seems to be a question of why even go on.just want to thank you pauline annalise christine for sharing cry when i read your words but helps me realize i am not alone in this miserable place called life .einars
My friends (thats what you have all become to me)

Unlike most of you I did not get to hold my darlings hand as he took his last breath I am still angry for that not happening I just wish that the hospital staff had let me in to be in with him not after he had passed ... I just wish that I could have held his hand held him just that last time and told him that it was alright to go but I never got that chance..maybe it was meant to be that way I will never know..by the time I went back to Graham he was gone but he just looked like he was sleeping like so many times before.........so many times I ask myself why I wasnt with him but it felt as if it was meant to be ..the Drs said he struggled and in the end he just took off his oxygen mask and told them to let him go..maybe in a way I was glad I didnt see the anguish and fear on his face knowing he was going..at least I can remember him without that look ..and then to top it off I didnt get to see him for 2 days at the chapel..and by then it was horrible he was so bloated and he didnt even look like my honey and that was the last time I saw him..and I didnt want to see him again because that wasnt my baby in that coffin..so I walked away with MY memories of him and those are the ones he would have wanted me to have .......

Wishes and more wishes but all I want is one..but I know its not possible...yep our lives will never be the same we all know we are in for a long haul but I hope we all keep in touch on this page ...Take care god bless..Im feeling a little sad as I type so will go and give my honey a kiss and talk to him..our little man is playing up something dreadful (not listening etc) its times like this I wish his dad was here to shape him up ... but I know hes missing his dad and just wishes like me for that one more time...............
hi my dear friends,
so dreadful that we keep dwelling on the last two/three days before our darlings died...mark fell into a coma on feb 15th afternoon and his system shut down on 17th feb at 0400 am...i was there all the time stupidly thinking that he would come out of it...
at night all i keep reliving is seeing the blood drain from his beautiful face when he was dying. Throughout the 9 months mark still looked very healthy so it was a trauma seeing him lose his colour in a matter of seconds...i never saw someone actually die..well i saw my grandmother at her deathbed but she had already died...did not actually see the transition. With Mark it was more of a trauma because it was my precious husband and because i was losing him.

Spent another bad night....really feel so helpless and lost.
Today i have to go to the flat to get some stuff.
As usual i am dreading going there..I know this wud hurt Mark so much cos he loved our home but without him it kills me going there...

i feel like i cannot carry on...God help us all.
I lost my husband of 35 years this past February. He was on dialysis and his quality of life was gone. Eventually he could merely sit and watch TV and do nothing else. He was such a wonderful man never complaining and the last year it almost killed me to see him suffer so much. After a month of complications, he made a conscious decision to end dialysis. We were lucky we had a week of closeness being able to say our goodbyes but it is still so hard. Death is something that we will never fully understand. I have been in esoteric studies for years and even I have trouble understanding death because no one comes back to tell us if they are ok. At least I don;t know of anyone. Do you?? If we could understand it more we might be able to accept it better. There isn't a moment goes by I don't think of him. I know I will never forget, my life has changes forever, part of me has dies but I hope in time I will be able to enter a new phase in life. I'm joining a bereavement group staring June. Hopefully it will help.

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