When a spouse or partner dies

Grief support: Share your story and learn from others about coping with the loss of a life partner.

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• Family Reorganization After a Loss
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Permalink Reply by Christine on May 14, 2009 at 6:30pm

The last several days I have been so depressed, i read all of your posts but all I can manage to do is nod my head in agreement.. and cry.. I couldnt even respond. Well, today I was waiting all day for the maintenance guy from the apartment complex to come and fix my air conditioning. Its like 95 degrees in New Mexico.. anyway.. Since before Annette passed I really havent done anything in our bedroom cause for the longest time.. I didnt have time for anything.. worked and went to see her on my days off, so lots got left undone.. which was fine. I really didnt care about it anyway.. Well, since she left, I only sleep..( thats a laugh) in there and just put stuff in there anywhere and walk out and close the door..but today I went in there to gather some clothes for laundry and looked around and thought.. " this is ridiculous" it is so cluttered.. Well, I attempted to put some things away and came across a large plastic bag that I used to get all of annettes things from the hospital before I left when she died. ( she was still laying there in the bed, it was as you know.. terrible to have to do). Anyway, yeah i lost it.. held the bag to my chest walking to the kitchen trash.. and put it in the garbage and grabbed a broom.. ( like that was going to help me not think about it).. So.. I ended up sweeping.. and crying.. all I could see was those last hours.. Me sitting next to her for eight or so hours cleaning and suctioning the blood from her mouth.. while her aunt told me " Christine.. take a break".. I remember saying " If she doesnt get one, I dont get one"..
I cant take this pain anymore.. When does it start to get a little better? I know.. it doesnt.

Permalink Reply by Pauline on May 14, 2009 at 7:58pm

Christine
I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you its going to be alright but i know better than that..I wish i could take away your pain..I wish I could take away all our pain .. days I feel I hate the world I hate my darling for leaving me I hate everyone what does anyone know..how does anyone know how i am feeling..I think if I could cry me a river i would but all it would do is drain me and nothing would have changed..as we say in kiwi land KIA KAHA (Be Strong)...thinking of you xxx

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on May 15, 2009 at 3:38am

christine
yesterday i was pompous enough to think i was getting better......yeah right !!
this morning i am a total mess... i just could not stop weeping as soon as i opened my eyes..i got down on my knees blabbering like a mad woman asking Mark for some sign or something something from him... anything.
i met his sister yesterday and she told me she saw his image...me zilch !!!

at least u have the courage to live in yr home....i do not..i cannot...have tried so many times but chickened out each time.
his clothes are still were they were..the only thing i did do though as soon as mark passed away was get rid of all his hospital stuff as that was too close for comfort. I still take whiffs of the SUDOCREM i used to spread on him to avoid his getting bedsores....the smell just throws me back and i can visualise him...how sad am i ???
chrstine...we are all there with u......i am a fool to think i am going to get better soon....

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 15, 2009 at 9:23am

annalise, I came across alot of hospital stuff too. It's so hard to see them. but at the same time, I am so used to them. weird. I live in our home cause, honestly, I don't have anywhere else to go. I dont have any money and all of my family is in Miami, Fla. ( thats where Im from originally). Well, this morning, I went over to my son's house to take him to school as usual, and I had found that I had alot of his clothes here that I have washed and put in the bedroom. ( He stays with me a few times a week.. me and his father have joint custody so he comes over whenever he wants to).. So I was explaining to my son's step mom that since I havent touched anything of hers in the bedroom and I really dont go in there, I had alot of stephen's clothes and thought he might need them. She says to me " and... why not?" like.. its time already, why havent you cleared out her things. I didnt say very much to that except for.. " i cant.. I will when im ready." of course, I lied.. have no intention of getting rid of anything and I think its my business anyway. If I want to stay in this moment for the rest of my life its no ones business but mine. She doesnt really understand as she has never lost a spouse.. but still.. you would think that just being in love with her husband as much as she is she could appreciate how it would feel to lose all of it but I guess people never think of that.. just what they think you should do.

annalise samuel lapira said:

christine
yesterday i was pompous enough to think i was getting better......yeah right !!
this morning i am a total mess... i just could not stop weeping as soon as i opened my eyes..i got down on my knees blabbering like a mad woman asking Mark for some sign or something something from him... anything.
i met his sister yesterday and she told me she saw his image...me zilch !!!

at least u have the courage to live in yr home....i do not..i cannot...have tried so many times but chickened out each time.
his clothes are still were they were..the only thing i did do though as soon as mark passed away was get rid of all his hospital stuff as that was too close for comfort. I still take whiffs of the SUDOCREM i used to spread on him to avoid his getting bedsores....the smell just throws me back and i can visualise him...how sad am i ???
chrstine...we are all there with u......i am a fool to think i am going to get better soon....

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on May 15, 2009 at 9:53am

hi christine
it is far too soon i think....i have left all mark's clothes they way they always were.
i feel like i am violating him somehow by removing them or giving them away.
i know this sounds stupid but that is the way i feel....at the moment
i do not have the money to buy another home either but hope to sell the flat...which will break my heart and buy elsewhere....thing is i know i am contradicting myself...the flat meant a lot to mark and to me...but without him there i really cannot hack it... :(
i think that if i move and take all our stuff i might be able to start living on my own as it will be a new place but with our stuff still there...oh i dont know....i am trying really hard to find an ideal situation but what is ideal any more.....
the word lost its meaning when mark left....nothing is ideal or will ever be again

I LOST EVERYTHING WHEN HE LEFT....sorry am a bit of a mess
tomorrow marks a year when mark's pain had set in and i just keep on reminiscing how it all started.....oh God....little was i to know it wud all end in such a tragedy....

am so sorry.....i am being anything but positive dear friends....
forgive me

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 15, 2009 at 11:04am

Christine and Annalise,
I to have not got rid of anything that belong to Bruno. Even though I am now living with my sister and her husband my room and closet are set up as if he was still alive. He has "his" side of the closet and room and bed etc. No one has the right to tell us we don't have that right. I will never ever get rid of his things I just could'nt. I am however going to be moving out of my sister by the end of the year with a roommate but they know the way I feel and thats ok. Bruno will always have his side of everything in my life that will never ever change. I think people that say these things are just plain stupid. How can they possibly know what that would be like. I still pray every night that maybe just maybe God will let me feel some relife from this nightmare. Then I turn around and I am still here. How do you not lose faith in a God who seems not to listen?

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on May 15, 2009 at 5:27pm

Thank you all for your kind words during my time of continuing agony. I looked forward to these posts because we all shared such similar reactions to our losses. I felt comfortable knowing that I could talk about it and not be looked down upon for still feeling such great loss for Robert. It made me feel less alone. I live in Houston, Texas and I have a good friend in Wisconsin who really does listen, and that’s about it. The couple friends I have here in Houston don’t really have the time so they don’t count.

Most of the people I thought I could count on abused my trust while I am still in my vulnerable state and have stopped talking to me. I’ve seen their true colors – and it wasn’t very pretty.

Over two years now and I too, have yet to get rid of anything of Robert’s.

The most interesting part of all of these posts, that I’ve learned, is that we are all so very different, with so many different loves, but we are all experiencing the exact same feelings and emotions to varying degrees. I realize this observation does not say anything, other than, “Love Is Love”. There is no right or wrong way to Love and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I’ve decided that I will do what I need to do when I feel comfortable. Other people don’t know what Robert meant to me and how much I Love Him. I won’t do anything to please anyone, no matter what anyone else thinks.
Lisa, I have lost faith in a lot of things I believed in. I feel there is no justice in life. There are bad and mean people who live long lives and remain bad and mean. None of it makes sense. I’ve prayed and wished to trade places with Robert so many times but they were never heard, either. I don’t know what to believe any longer but I believe that I will do what I need to do when I am ready, not when someone else believes that I should be ready. Barry

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 17, 2009 at 1:59am

Barry, Pauline, Annalise, Lisa, Einars, ( hope i got everyone!),

I hope that all of you are as well as you can be tonight,

I have been doing alot of thinking today. The 16th of the month is a little hard cause October 16th is our anniversary so the 16th of every month always kinda meant something to us. Since we were not allowed to marry in the traditional sense, We used the date that we started dating as our anniversary date. We planned on a commitment ceremony or something like that, talked about what we would wear.. how we would have it.. not too long before she passed away.

These are the conclusions I have come to today. I will never ever be the same person that I was before she had to go. Honestly, there is very little that I care about anymore. My children and grandchild are the only reasons I believe I am still here. I am 44 and in doing some thinking realized that I have never been really alone my whole life. I always had someone. I'm not the type that can't be alone.. I always enjoyed the time by myself but there was always somebody in my life. I was always a little scared to be without someone but now.. I really could'nt care less if I live the rest of my life by myself. I finally found what I had been looking for in annette.. and 4 1/2 years later.. it was taken.
Death itself never really scared me.. it doesnt at all anymore.. cause..this is not a life i want anymore.
I know how it sounds.. there are people in this world that are fighting to live and I have no right to not care about this life that God gave me.. but.. I'm still so upset, angry, devastated and defeated. I also understand that my emotional and mental state at this point in time is not rational.. who knows what the future will bring.. Its possible that with time ( as everyone and their mother ) tells me.. I will heal a little. I cant see it now and I know that is to be expected.
I have always been a big believer in an afterlife and in sprit communication.. I have bought so many books on the subject the last few months the bookstore must love me. I still dont feel her around me at all and this upsets me greatly. Where is she? What is she doing? Is she ok? and the biggest question I have for her... Do you still love me like you used to.. I know that i will see her again when i get there.. but.. it wont be the same as here i dont think.. but honestly.. i dont know.
I believe that we are all souls that take this journey to learn our lessons and evolve... but really.. this is too much to take. I miss her more and more everyday and although I would never do anything to hurry it up.. if its my time.. God, I'm ready to go.

Sorry to ramble on I just needed to vent.

Permalink Reply by einars simons on May 17, 2009 at 7:12am

hi everyone hope just a little glimmer of hope someone has managed to capture .Early sunday morning seemed to have slept for the last 48 hours as thats how i felt.Still have all of Marilyns things and have thought of giving away clothes etc to the salvation army as i am sure someone can use them more but I just cannot seem to do it.I dont dwell on her things but they certainly give me solace.Pictures my screensaver marilyn i can look at for hours.I dont have a clue when i will feel some relief from this anguish now I no longer even expect anything will be the same as before it cannot Marilyn is gone but some relief from this emptiness please.einars

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 17, 2009 at 10:05am

Christine,Annalise,Barry,Erinars,&Pauline,
Well today is another depressing day in this so called life that I am supposley living (YEA RIGHT) My friend left eairly this morning having to go back to Califorina. It was nice to have someone here to talk to and share with. But of all things to happen when they were here they broke something that was very very important to me. One of the glasses from mine and Bruno wedding was knocked off where I had it and it shattered. I got so upset I could'nt breath!!! My friend felt so bad that he (No ideas guys he is JUST a good friend ) left the house and thought I hated him cause I lost it so bad. How pitful am I that one of my dearest bestest friends of 13 years would think that I hated them cause of an accendent? I mean I made this man cry he thought that I would never want to see him or talk to him again. He knows how much I love Bruno and how much all of our stuff means to us.
Christine I know the feeling of being ok to be alone. I to have never been alone this long in my life this is the first time. I have always had someone. But Bruno was not just someone he was EVERYTHING!!! I to am ready for death to come. What kind of life is this that we are forced to live without the ones we love the most in this world and the next.
Sorry for not making any since guess the lack of sleep is finally catching up with me.

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on May 18, 2009 at 3:20am

hi christine, lisa, barry, einars and pauline

i too feel very bad cos life is precious but i keep praying that i die soon because i cannot live like this any more....
i too have bought a myriad of books about life after death and the art of dying and cannot understand how so many people get to see their deceased loved ones and i hardly get any signs...the way i love mark i would have thought i would be getting some communication on a regular basis.

i was brought up as a catholic but my faith was badly bruised since mark fell ill.
i prayed so hard for GOD to save my love but apart from the fact that mark never made it he suffered a horrific senseless 9 months of excruciating pain which no amount of morphine or the likes could control...why why why ??? nothing makes sense any more. ..i feel that my pain is now a continuation of mark's physical pain as similarly it is uncontrollable and i am totally inconsolable. At least i hope mark is now pain-free and at peace but i have to carry on suffering and i would rather not be around..whether there is an afterlife or not......as i cannot live without mark..he was my whole reason for being....
you know...when illness takes over..especially when it is rather long term people normally say ..at least he is now at peace and his carers are relieved too...yeah right !!! I would take mark back again in hospital in a heartbeat and not have to go through what i am going through right now....my suffering started with his illness and even after his death it is far worse .....as i say ...i hope he is at peace but i am by far worse than ever......i am not being selfish because my poor husband went thru an agonizing time and i should be saying thank God that is over but my depression and misery is so extreme that i just do not think clearly any more.

life is precious but i do not give a toss ....

Permalink Reply by Pauline on May 18, 2009 at 1:25pm

Hello all my friends

Well its another day - one foot in front of another..same routine - different day..just like everyone else i hate this existence without my darling..next week will mark Grahams 4th month - my god where has the time gone or have I just gone through these weeks blinded by love and pain??? and then the week after will be our 11th wedding anniversary - how am I going to get past this day - that day changed my life forever even though we had already been together 5 years..I remember when I first met Graham I knew straight away I was going to have him - we were instant soulmates - it mite sound corny but even when I first heard his voice on the phone I fell in love then!! and when we met I knew I wanted him ..it took us a while he gave me all the space I needed .. and believe it or not it did my head in I didnt want the space I just wanted my man!!!

I am so sorry for everyone here for their loss, their struggles with day to day living, maybe Im just a little strange but yes I am angry, I am sad, I am lonely and I miss my darling so much but I feel I am not struggling as much as everyone here? why? Have i put my baby to rest and let him go? what am I doing?

Through Grahams years of sickness I became a very strong person - I had to cope without him numerous times - I had to run our businesses without him, I raised our kids without him, my life was a little lonely because he was in hospital most of the time - I gave up studying to be with him and care for him - he use to get angry at me for putting my life on hold but he was my life and I wouldnt have changed that - there were days I was so tired that when I went to the hospital all I wanted was for him to come home and be by my side - he knew it too - but all he could do was hug me..that got me through and then Id go home and cry wondering what would I do without him..

15 weeks later I think Im doing okay...I just hope that my darling knew just how much I love him and how much he meant to me and I also have that question - is he alright?

Take care my friends xxxx

annalise samuel lapira said:

hi christine, lisa, barry, einars and pauline

i too feel very bad cos life is precious but i keep praying that i die soon because i cannot live like this any more....
i too have bought a myriad of books about life after death and the art of dying and cannot understand how so many people get to see their deceased loved ones and i hardly get any signs...the way i love mark i would have thought i would be getting some communication on a regular basis.

i was brought up as a catholic but my faith was badly bruised since mark fell ill.
i prayed so hard for GOD to save my love but apart from the fact that mark never made it he suffered a horrific senseless 9 months of excruciating pain which no amount of morphine or the likes could control...why why why ??? nothing makes sense any more. ..i feel that my pain is now a continuation of mark's physical pain as similarly it is uncontrollable and i am totally inconsolable. At least i hope mark is now pain-free and at peace but i have to carry on suffering and i would rather not be around..whether there is an afterlife or not......as i cannot live without mark..he was my whole reason for being....
you know...when illness takes over..especially when it is rather long term people normally say ..at least he is now at peace and his carers are relieved too...yeah right !!! I would take mark back again in hospital in a heartbeat and not have to go through what i am going through right now....my suffering started with his illness and even after his death it is far worse .....as i say ...i hope he is at peace but i am by far worse than ever......i am not being selfish because my poor husband went thru an agonizing