Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 18, 2009 at 2:56pm

Pauline,
I am not sure that you not feeling as bad as the rest of us is a bad thing. I also don't think means that you have let Graham go unlike the rest of us. I just think that for those of you who's spouses or partners were very sick for along time and you had to care for them twice as long as some others of us had to that maybe you did some of your grieving then. I am no expert on this by any means. I just know that when I hear all of you talk about the long months or even years that you had to care for your loved ones I get jelious like I was robbed of my chance to do that for my Bruno. I did'nt get to care for him long at all. It is going to be 6 months since my babycakes has left me this week on the 20th how do we even keep going? I ask each and every day why am I being left here to suffer without him? Is this my punishment for all the bad things that I have done in my life? I don't know how I am going to make it through Weds, I just know that I will cause for some reason I am left here alone and suffering without him and I would not get lucky enough to not wake up on that day to not have to relive the death of my heart and soul. God why can't this ever go away? Why are we all suffering?
Pauline I think you are a strong women and I comend you. I comend all of you for going on day after day in all this pain that I know we all share.

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 18, 2009 at 7:42pm

Pauline, I don't think that it is strange that you feel you are doing better than some of us. Maybe you have come to the point in your grief of acceptance. Really, there is nothing any of us can do to bring these people back. For me, I have my moments.. I cry, but not as often as I used to. Usually, I cry myself to sleep talking to her but most days I dont cry during the day too much. Yesterday I did cry more during the day. I'm not hysterical and unable to function. I still work 5 or 6 days a week. Take care of my son. Try to get some homework done.. etc. I do have some laughs with friends at work.. and it all appears to be the same.. except.. I hate it. I have learned to fake being ok for so long now.. for annette when she was so sick for so long.. for everyone really. I have always been the strong one.. never wanted to be.. but.. it seems that I always have been. One day i may seem ok.. next day.. not so much. But, as you know, there is no set time frame when we are able to continue without so much pain. It still hurts to think about her. She is always always in my mind. I am still deperately in love with that woman and I think I always will be. I miss her so bad and there is nothing I wouldnt give to have her back. But, the choice was not mine.. it was hers. I still dont understand why.. I am still searching for answers but I do know that this was her journey to take, and as much as I hate to admit it.. it wasnt all about me. I have no doubt in my mind that we were brought together for a purpose. We were both each other's greatest teachers. She taught me so much and I did as well. It was destined. If it is true that we all are merely souls here to learn lessons and advance, then I have to respect the lessons that she chose to learn in this lifetime and be blessed that I was a part of those lessons.
My brain believes this completely.. my heart and emotions.. well thats another thing. I am still working on getting the brain and heart on the same page.. but not working that well. I am still very sad, angry and lost.. but I am trying.. for her.. I am trying.
Love to all,
Christine

Pauline said:

Hello all my friends

Well its another day - one foot in front of another..same routine - different day..just like everyone else i hate this existence without my darling..next week will mark Grahams 4th month - my god where has the time gone or have I just gone through these weeks blinded by love and pain??? and then the week after will be our 11th wedding anniversary - how am I going to get past this day - that day changed my life forever even though we had already been together 5 years..I remember when I first met Graham I knew straight away I was going to have him - we were instant soulmates - it mite sound corny but even when I first heard his voice on the phone I fell in love then!! and when we met I knew I wanted him ..it took us a while he gave me all the space I needed .. and believe it or not it did my head in I didnt want the space I just wanted my man!!!

I am so sorry for everyone here for their loss, their struggles with day to day living, maybe Im just a little strange but yes I am angry, I am sad, I am lonely and I miss my darling so much but I feel I am not struggling as much as everyone here? why? Have i put my baby to rest and let him go? what am I doing?

Through Grahams years of sickness I became a very strong person - I had to cope without him numerous times - I had to run our businesses without him, I raised our kids without him, my life was a little lonely because he was in hospital most of the time - I gave up studying to be with him and care for him - he use to get angry at me for putting my life on hold but he was my life and I wouldnt have changed that - there were days I was so tired that when I went to the hospital all I wanted was for him to come home and be by my side - he knew it too - but all he could do was hug me..that got me through and then Id go home and cry wondering what would I do without him..

15 weeks later I think Im doing okay...I just hope that my darling knew just how much I love him and how much he meant to me and I also have that question - is he alright?

Take care my friends xxxx


annalise samuel lapira said:

hi christine, lisa, barry, einars and pauline

i too feel very bad cos life is precious but i keep praying that i die soon because i cannot live like this any more....
i too have bought a myriad of books about life after death and the art of dying and cannot understand how so many people get to see their deceased loved ones and i hardly get any signs...the way i love mark i would have thought i would be getting some communication on a regular basis.

i was brought up as a catholic but my faith was badly bruised since mark fell ill.
i prayed so hard for GOD to save my love but apart from the fact that mark never made it he suffered a horrific senseless 9 months of excruciating pain which no amount of morphine or the likes could control...why why why ??? nothing makes sense any more. ..i feel that my pain is now a continuation of mark's physical pain as similarly it is uncontrollable and i am totally inconsolable. At least i hope mark is now pain-free and at peace but i have to carry on suffering and i would rather not be around..whether there is an afterlife or not......as i cannot live without mark..he was my whole reason for being....
you know...when illness takes over..especially when it is rather long term people normally say ..at least he is now at peace and his carers are relieved too...yeah right !!! I would take mark back again in hospital in a heartbeat and not have to go through what i am going through right now....my suffering started with his illness and even after his death it is far worse .....as i say ...i hope he is at peace but i am by far worse than ever......i am not being selfish because my poor husband went thru an agonizing

Permalink Reply by einars simons on May 18, 2009 at 11:48pm

hi annalise christine barry lisa pauline christine you summed things up so well I too have read and read books on grieving just to try to understand what i go through they have helped but unfortunately the understanding does not take anything away from the pain I think the issue is that we are dealing with matters of the heart emotions and soul.I saw my daughter and her boyfriend tonight for the first time in about two weeks and they basically told me I looked like hell puffy eyes shakey etc not where I want to be at all but I am incapable of changing anything.I too manage at work doing daily chores etc but I so feel it is another person doing it I am locked into this perpetual depression no energy to be involved in anything I think my problem is that I am totally afraid to accept Marilyns death as my own life is so inconsequential without her I just miss her so terribly.Maybe I should move find a new job whatever I do not know.Yes some days are less painful than others but not for long and what is really frustrating is that no end seems to be in sight.Before when Marilyn was alive I could cope okay but now I dont even want to.I am supposed to see my counciller end of May but am totally ambivalent about that to.anyway past midnight but think it will be another sleepless night as slept most of the day anyway.All my faith in God has been shaken to the core as well.With Marilyn my life had such meaning and it was fun now the total opposite so that right now I can just not accept emotionally nor intellectually.Hope so much for all of us that things will turn around.Love to all einars

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on May 19, 2009 at 3:00am

hi dear friends
have been pretty down these past few days so forgive me if i do not post much.
just feel like i keep sinking deeper...who says time heals ??

Permalink Reply by sue on May 19, 2009 at 2:17pm

To all my grieving freinds. It is one year 5/22/09. It has gotten better and I like to think it will for you too. I have not posted much because I am a little further down the road and I began to feel like maybe I was doing too good for some of you. I was trying to allow you to know that you will feel better. I have had many tears in the past few days and others have asked, "do you want to do something special to mark this date"? No, I want to remember his life and our life and the sadness comes from realizing that I must go on without him. I miss him every day but the sadness is more melincoly(sp) rather than the gutt wrenching pain that I had in the early months. I know I can go on without him because I must. I too would take him back in a heart beat but that is not a choice I have so I must live my life and not be destroyed by his passing but remember how much we both healed from past hurts, together, we healed and we had a blessed life together. I still do have a blessed life and he wouldn't want me to be sad I know this in my heart. I feel like I will honor what we had by living the best life I can without him. It isn't easy and some days even now I feel cheated and somewhat angry and so many other emotions but it passes and I have to accept and it gets better at that point.
This was a tragedy, the hardest thing ever I have experienced and my life has been tough. I will survive and be joy filled again because that is how we survive. I will never forget Tom, how could I, he is part of me and always will be.
Spring and summer is here, and hope springs eternal. Suep

Permalink Reply by Pauline on May 20, 2009 at 12:52am

Sue I love what you have posted..somehow it feels like me - but only after 4 months? but like everyone said maybe I had already done most of my grieving - true I do have my bad days, my sad days and days I enjoy the day!! I will be thinking of you on Friday - It will be 4 months 27/05/2009 and then on the 6th June our 11th wedding anniversary.....next year on the 2nd of February 2010 I will be celebrating my daughters 21st but also this day will mark a year ago I laid my darling to rest - it was her choice to have his funeral this day and I am proud of her for sharing this day with him. Your words are truthful and real and we can only carry on with our lives with whats in our hearts..and our memories ( no one can take that away from us) I dont think any of our partners would want to see us suffering the way we are ....

sue said:

To all my grieving freinds. It is one year 5/22/09. It has gotten better and I like to think it will for you too. I have not posted much because I am a little further down the road and I began to feel like maybe I was doing too good for some of you. I was trying to allow you to know that you will feel better. I have had many tears in the past few days and others have asked, "do you want to do something special to mark this date"? No, I want to remember his life and our life and the sadness comes from realizing that I must go on without him. I miss him every day but the sadness is more melincoly(sp) rather than the gutt wrenching pain that I had in the early months. I know I can go on without him because I must. I too would take him back in a heart beat but that is not a choice I have so I must live my life and not be destroyed by his passing but remember how much we both healed from past hurts, together, we healed and we had a blessed life together. I still do have a blessed life and he wouldn't want me to be sad I know this in my heart. I feel like I will honor what we had by living the best life I can without him. It isn't easy and some days even now I feel cheated and somewhat angry and so many other emotions but it passes and I have to accept and it gets better at that point.
This was a tragedy, the hardest thing ever I have experienced and my life has been tough. I will survive and be joy filled again because that is how we survive. I will never forget Tom, how could I, he is part of me and always will be.
Spring and summer is here, and hope springs eternal. Suep

Permalink Reply by sue on May 20, 2009 at 8:11am

Pauline, the 4 month mark is about when I started to feel human again. It is still up and down and in my heart. I feel it might always be a thing that I will never understand and never really "get over". On friday I have a picnic with the foster care group and I think that is a nice thing to do on the anniversary. It is a reminder that I can make my life count and make it full and valuable without Tom here physically. So many children need the love I have to give and I want to share that love with the lovely loved less. Know what I mean? I have a few more things to do before I am licenced but I think I am ready and I honestly feel it will be good for my healing to focus on someone else.
There are days when I just yearn to talk to him and I try to remember his face and his smile and pictures just don't do it for me. I still talk to him and feel his presence and know he will always be around me or at least as long as I need him to be.
There are days when I am still in disbelief that he is gone and never to return. I decided to stay in our home and when I pull in the drive and see the beautiful flowers and bushes and love he put in this place for me, I am reminded that he is always going to be part of me. I am just amazed at all the unfinished jobs he finished the past winter before he passed in May. I feel it was his last act of love and the goal to make our home one that I could be proud of. He is so much a part of even this house that he lived in 15 years before we met.
I would change this if I could but this road is the one I'm on and I feel you and I may be survivors and we have to continue on even though it hurts like heck and we wouldn't want this but it was the cards we were dealt and that is just life.
Each day I give my life to the lord and tell him to help me live it in his will and to the best of my ability. Somtimes in my opinion we have to just "fake it til we feel it" and one day finally maybe we will truly be happy. I know I want him to be and I can only assume he wants me to be also. I know he loved me and knowing that and my love for him, I know he wants me to have a good life. Thanks for your vote of confidence. I am proud for you that you are pressing on. Your children are blessed by your efforts. suep

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 20, 2009 at 8:21am

Pauline & Sue,
Be thankful that you have came along as far as you have. Today has been 6 months since my baby died and it hurts just as much today as it ever did. I still don't ever see the getting better I'm sorry I don't. I prayed last night that God would not allow me to wake up this morning to feel this pain that I am in. I know that Bruno would want me to be happy that was what he always wanted and he did his best to make me happy all the time and he did. I am so empty and alone though I just wish I could feel his arms around me. I am tired of everyone thinking and telling me how strong I am and how strong I need to be because thats what Bruno would want. I understand that but how, how do I do that without him? He was my strength he was my center of balance. I'm not sure I can make it in this life without him much longer.

Permalink Reply by sue on May 20, 2009 at 8:33am

Lisa, you said it yourself. "Bruno would want me to be happy"! Maybe happy is to much to ask of yourself at this point but Lisa, you have to survive. Talking about your feelings is the first step and you are doing that. I am concerned for you and ask you to please talk to someone there you trust.
I finally got on antidepressents and even had them increased and honestly I begin to feel normal and I just think that when you have such a horrible thing happen in your life you always need help to get through it. There is no shame in drugs as they can help to balance your chemistry that was totally thrown off with this expereince. This is a terrible shock no matter how it happens. Eating right and taking walks and being with someone that you can relate to is good. I had such a long winter and was sad so many days and sometimes I just felt like you said and I just had to get help. I have people to talk with that I can be honest with and that helps.
Please Lisa, remember those that love you and believe me you can get through this and you will if you can hang on. I encourage you to see a doctor and get some help. There is no assurance that you would be with Bruno if you did something to yourself and maybe it would change your outcome. Just please get some help and take care of yourself. You do matter and you are important in this life and even though Bruno is not with you in the physical, he is still with you.
I find that spending time with kids helps me some. Some days I need to be with strangers and somedays alone. Whatever it takes, please make a committment to yourself that you will survive this.
I wish I was there to be a friend but please accept my love and know that you are a valuable person and worthy of joy in your life and you will survive. Suep

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 20, 2009 at 12:04pm

Sue,
I am on antidpressants and antisuicidal meds. These help some but not on days like today. I wake up in the mornings only because I know that Bruno would want it that way. He would be so ashamed of me for even thinking the way that I do. I have thoughts about death all the time and welcome it if it comes. As far as taking my own life I would or will not even try that for I want to be in heaven with Bruno forever when I die. And I know and have been taught that this could never be if I were to commit sucide. It does not change the fact however that it has crossed my mind. After 6 months of this pain I am just ready for it to stop. I am also afraid though if I were to go on with life that maybe he won't want me or love me anymore cause he might feel as if I have forgotton him which is never possible he is my heart and soul and I know that I am not able to love another the way that I do him. But rest easy my friend I am not going to take my life. Your love and concern means so much I am not sure you know how much.
Thank you for your kind words
Lisa

sue said:

Lisa, you said it yourself. "Bruno would want me to be happy"! Maybe happy is to much to ask of yourself at this point but Lisa, you have to survive. Talking about your feelings is the first step and you are doing that. I am concerned for you and ask you to please talk to someone there you trust.
I finally got on antidepressents and even had them increased and honestly I begin to feel normal and I just think that when you have such a horrible thing happen in your life you always need help to get through it. There is no shame in drugs as they can help to balance your chemistry that was totally thrown off with this expereince. This is a terrible shock no matter how it happens. Eating right and taking walks and being with someone that you can relate to is good. I had such a long winter and was sad so many days and sometimes I just felt like you said and I just had to get help. I have people to talk with that I can be honest with and that helps.
Please Lisa, remember those that love you and believe me you can get through this and you will if you can hang on. I encourage you to see a doctor and get some help. There is no assurance that you would be with Bruno if you did something to yourself and maybe it would change your outcome. Just please get some help and take care of yourself. You do matter and you are important in this life and even though Bruno is not with you in the physical, he is still with you.
I find that spending time with kids helps me some. Some days I need to be with strangers and somedays alone. Whatever it takes, please make a committment to yourself that you will survive this.
I wish I was there to be a friend but please accept my love and know that you are a valuable person and worthy of joy in your life and you will survive. Suep

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 21, 2009 at 4:08pm

Three months ago today.. cried my eyes out last night.. today i'm just walking around in a daze. I have nothing left in me anymore. I am numb. I dont want to do this anymore. Dear God, how much does one person have to take in this life.

Permalink Reply by einars simons on May 21, 2009 at 11:09pm

Christine I am so sad for your sorrow There are j ust no words I have to express my feelings for your hurt we are all humans and what we are going through is just not right I spend all my time with Marilyn as you do with your love please as the only people that i can listen to as no one else cares or does not know give me some ideas what this is all about.I went to the cemetary tonight and not being that well I wanted to leave after 10 or so minutes so I was leaving and there was a tug on my body by Marilyns arm encased in her pyjamas which she wore for the last year of her life.Like it was so vivid .I talked to her some more but her arm was there all the time reaching for me sorry christine i did not mean this to go to you with what is happening to you today all my friends if you an idea what this is about please reply annalisa christine lisa barry pauline and sue all my love einars

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