Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by ghall26 on February 16, 2010 at 4:20pm

Thank you for this-------BUT------when you have no one, this doesn't help.

NOVANT said:

Facing Up to the Loss of a spouse
1) crying is normal (Genesis 23:2)
2) seek the support of relatives and friends
3) put in writing the good things that you remember about your mate and the moments you shared...make an album
4) adhere to customary schedule and activities
5)avoid making hasty decisions
6)seek the help of a friend/relative in taking care of any paperwork
7)avoid romantic or sexual-oriented movies,books,and music
*) above all Pray to God for endurance

Permalink Reply by Cindy McGregor on February 17, 2010 at 9:52am

Dear Penni,I hear your pain.I to belive in Jesus .He is with us.I will pray for you.Father I ask in Jesus name to please touch Penni.Give her strength and wisdom that only you can provide.We praise you and trust you oh lord.amen. I lost my husband Rick Jan.3rd.2010.The pain is deep but I'm trusting God too! Hope to hear from you.May God bless you.a friend in Christ Cindy.

Penni Helms said:

HI! I lost my precious husband on June 28, 08. My heart feels like I am loosing it... we were married 22 years, he was the most kind, loving, compassionate, caring man I know. I am disabled and live in severe pain everyday, and he always loved/cared and helped me through so much! He had diabetes for over 10 years and his sugar was VERY uncontrolled. Walt went to the hospital, b/c he was very sick, tired, and just was not himself, they told us he had a massive heart attack, called a WIDOW maker, what a name huh?? The heart doctor is looking at me talking to me telling how sick walt is
and i am like what? is this a dream? they told me they took him UP to HEART ICU,
after his catherazation on his heart, and he had all main arteries blocked, praying he
would get strength a very better, his heart was only beating 17 percent, I KNEW GOD COULD DO ANYTHING. walt a stroke b/c of his heart and a blood clot go to his brain, they tried to remove it, but, he had a tear in somewhere in his brain, and another stroke, so they had to put a breathing tube in him, on Saturday the 28th of June,
I had to make the decision to remove it, after NO HOPE. but, in JESUS... and he passed away in 4 minutes.
Now i live ... well, i live one day at a time, I truly Believe in Jesus, and I believe he is w/me.. but, I need FRIENDSHIP, of someone who understands, encouragement, I have no money. my heart is breaking, ((( tears ))). i feel I cannot make or take much MORE. everyone even my grown kids have there lives. and i feel I fit in NO WHERE. Hope to talk sometime!!!
I dont mean to sound depressing, Its just my heart is breaking, and I feel I am gonna crumble....

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on February 18, 2010 at 10:04am

I just want to say that its been 10 months since wy wife of 44 years died. Of all the things she was to me, she was my pal. I would like to share the problems so that you will not feel alone with your problems. I died when she died. All of her friends and family disappeared when she died. I have kids and g-kids but its not the same. I am not suicidal but I dont want to live anymore. I cant sleep,listen to 'our' music,watch tv and movies,without thinking of her. I am so alone and sad without her. My life as I know it is gone. All of the "firsts" without her is a terrible thing. I have hardened somewhat but I am heavyly scarred. I lost my heart,soul,and spirit. I just needed to share this....Randolph Schrader

Permalink Reply by Judy Carlson on February 19, 2010 at 8:05am

Randolph L. Schrader said:

I just want to say that its been 10 months since wy wife of 44 years died. Of all the things she was to me, she was my pal. I would like to share the problems so that you will not feel alone with your problems. I died when she died. All of her friends and family disappeared when she died. I have kids and g-kids but its not the same. I am not suicidal but I dont want to live anymore. I cant sleep,listen to 'our' music,watch tv and movies,without thinking of her. I am so alone and sad without her. My life as I know it is gone. All of the "firsts" without her is a terrible thing. I have hardened somewhat but I am heavyly scarred. I lost my heart,soul,and spirit. I just needed to share this....Randolph Schrader

Permalink Reply by Judy Carlson on February 19, 2010 at 8:13am

I lost my husband suddenly 8 years ago at age 47 I still can not accept it I grieve every day and my life has no joy. I have tried group counsling, prayer, talking to him but nothing can change the fact Doug is no longer here. Mu life is one long reputition. I get up go to work come home and curl up on the couch and mourn. I have not slept in our bed since he passed. I will never find that kind of love again I hope this site will help me to find the pease I need

God bless us all

Judy Carlson

Permalink Reply by ghall26 on February 19, 2010 at 10:45am

I So understand how you feel!!
I will keep you in my prayers!!
I'm here if you need to talk to someone.

Judy Carlson said:

I lost my husband suddenly 8 years ago at age 47 I still can not accept it I grieve every day and my life has no joy. I have tried group counsling, prayer, talking to him but nothing can change the fact Doug is no longer here. Mu life is one long reputition. I get up go to work come home and curl up on the couch and mourn. I have not slept in our bed since he passed. I will never find that kind of love again I hope this site will help me to find the pease I need

God bless us all

Judy Carlson

Permalink Reply by Terri on February 21, 2010 at 12:25pm

I am not sure I am posting this right so please excuse me if I did it wrong. I lost my husband (44yrs old) on Feb 8th of this year to a massive heart attack at work. He had not been sick or showed any signs that there was a problem. Our anniversary was Feb 19th and it would have been ten years. He was so excited about it because we were going away for the weekend. I hope I can find some answers and comfort here or least have ppl who understand what I am going through. I have a question . When did you go back to work after losing your spouse? Like I said I lost my husband the morning of Feb 8th of this year. The first week is a blur and this last week has been taking care of so much paper work. I am wanting to take this next week off and go back to work March 1st which is not this Monday but the next. Everyone is telling me I should go back to work. I do work for a CPA firm and right now is our busy season with taxes due and all of the year end reports plus just the regular day to day things our due. I know my boss is swamped and he hasn't told me to come back to work or anything I just know he is in a bind. I want to know taking another week off is asking to much? We are a very very small company infact it is just me and my boss and his wife when she is needed. I just lost my heart and the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with but am I being selfish? Is asking to have 3 weeks off asking to much? I know it will help me keep busy and all but I still have a lot of things to do here at the house and I still have a hard time not breaking down at a drop of a hat. Can anyone enlighten me on what I should do? Any reply would greatly appreciated it. Thank you Terri

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on February 21, 2010 at 3:58pm

Terri,
First off, I give you my deepest sympathies. You are in a very difficult time and I can fully relate. My full time job let me take 2 weeks off even though contract policy says 3 days, they even called me near the end of the second week to see if I wanted or felt I needed even another week. It is good that I keep my vacation time saved. I also have a part time job and our director there told me to take as much time as I needed, my job was secure, although I went back the same day I went back to my full time job. What you need is what YOU need and not for anyone else to determine. You will not be helpful to your boss, no matter the situation, if you are not fully ready to come back.

Terri said:

I am not sure I am posting this right so please excuse me if I did it wrong. I lost my husband (44yrs old) on Feb 8th of this year to a massive heart attack at work. He had not been sick or showed any signs that there was a problem. Our anniversary was Feb 19th and it would have been ten years. He was so excited about it because we were going away for the weekend. I hope I can find some answers and comfort here or least have ppl who understand what I am going through. I have a question . When did you go back to work after losing your spouse? Like I said I lost my husband the morning of Feb 8th of this year. The first week is a blur and this last week has been taking care of so much paper work. I am wanting to take this next week off and go back to work March 1st which is not this Monday but the next. Everyone is telling me I should go back to work. I do work for a CPA firm and right now is our busy season with taxes due and all of the year end reports plus just the regular day to day things our due. I know my boss is swamped and he hasn't told me to come back to work or anything I just know he is in a bind. I want to know taking another week off is asking to much? We are a very very small company infact it is just me and my boss and his wife when she is needed. I just lost my heart and the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with but am I being selfish? Is asking to have 3 weeks off asking to much? I know it will help me keep busy and all but I still have a lot of things to do here at the house and I still have a hard time not breaking down at a drop of a hat. Can anyone enlighten me on what I should do? Any reply would greatly appreciated it. Thank you Terri

Permalink Reply by Chris B on February 21, 2010 at 5:52pm

Terri,

I lost my husband suddenly on January 19, 2010. He was 47, and didn't have any inkling that there was something wrong - we'd been out the day before having dinner, doing shopping, etc. It was a complete shock, completely unexpected.

I took six full days off work, and went back to work half days on the 27th. I did five half days, then tried to go back to full time. It was hard - I started full days on Tuesday, and on Thursday and Friday I had to leave early and come in late because I simply couldn't handle it.

If you can take the time, I'd say do it. If you don't think you're ready, err on the side of caution. There is something to be said for "staying busy" and for "learning what the new 'normal' is going to be", but on the other hand, the stress of not being 100% at work and worrying about that on top of everything else that's going on is hard.

If you can talk to your boss about maybe doing half days for a while? I went in 10a-2p, because it let me sleep in a little bit, let me come to grips in the morning with the fact that I was alone, let me cry, and then finally get out of bed and into the shower to face the day. It also helped ease me back into the routine of driving into work and dealing with all the little changes I had to face there - not being able to call him during the day, not hearing him say "Yay!" when I called to tell him I was on my way home.

Terri said:

I have a question . When did you go back to work after losing your spouse? Like I said I lost my husband the morning of Feb 8th of this year. The first week is a blur and this last week has been taking care of so much paper work. I am wanting to take this next week off and go back to work March 1st which is not this Monday but the next. Everyone is telling me I should go back to work. I do work for a CPA firm and right now is our busy season with taxes due and all of the year end reports plus just the regular day to day things our due. I know my boss is swamped and he hasn't told me to come back to work or anything I just know he is in a bind. I want to know taking another week off is asking to much? We are a very very small company infact it is just me and my boss and his wife when she is needed. I just lost my heart and the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with but am I being selfish? Is asking to have 3 weeks off asking to much? I know it will help me keep busy and all but I still have a lot of things to do here at the house and I still have a hard time not breaking down at a drop of a hat. Can anyone enlighten me on what I should do? Any reply would greatly appreciated it. Thank you Terri

Permalink Reply by marilyn henderson dorris on February 21, 2010 at 6:40pm

terri, i am SO sorry for your loss...i lost my husband suddenly on july 18, 2009. i am a sales rep for my family's small company....it is a job that demands me to be SOCIAL, period. it has been six months since minville died, and i STILL have trouble going to work....i was very fortunate to have , as a friend, an 84 yr old british woman who had been widowed twice. she let me know that i would be exhausted, not to let anyone PUSH me into doing things i was not ready for emotionally, to cry whenever i needed to...her first husband died at 48 yrs old. she said she was listening to music recently, and his song came one...SHE CRIED, even after ALL these years. i know it is a struggle working for a small company, believe me i know. but terri, let me tell you to take the time that you need...maybe there is some work you could do at home for your boss. DON'T FEEL GUILTY...i am still going through all the things i have been experiencing, even after some time has passed...take good care of YOURSELF, because you are the only one who knows what you need..sincerely, marilyn

Permalink Reply by Marlena on February 22, 2010 at 7:06am

Terri,

I am so sorry that you are now living this new life. I can understand where you are; I was there almost one year ago. My husband died unexpectedly on March 16th at 44 years old and 2 months and 9 days shy of our 25th wedding anniversary. His mom was planning a big 25th surprise for us. I didn't find out till I told my friend and maid of honor about Tom's death, then she told me about the party that had been planned for us. That hurt huge!

Now, you need time for you. I agree with others, you need to do what is best for you and don't feel pressured or obligated to do anything else. The emotions will be at the surface almost every moment of everyday for a while. I took 7 weeks off from my in-home day care. I just could not deal with the kids or their parents. There are still days I do not want to deal with any of them. If you feel you have to go back to work maybe it can be 1/2 days or just a few days a week instead of full speed ahead. I like the suggestion of working from home if that is possible. Those dark, lonely nights could be filled with paperwork rather than staring at the ceiling.

Whatever you decide, remember to take care of yourself above all else. You will need time to adjust to your new you. Also know that there are so many of us here that will support you if you need us.

Sending you hugs and strength to get through your days.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

Permalink Reply by Melissa on March 5, 2010 at 12:50am

I lost my husband 15 days ago to cancer he fought it for 2 years but it beat him instead. I knew this day was coming he was just getting more and more sick everyday in the past 2 months he was in the hospital 3 times then the doctor said there was nothing else they could do all his organs were shutting down fast. He came home and died the next day. I thought I was prepared but I fell apart. We were together for 22 years going on 23 this year we have 2 kids together. I cried so much when he left and I still do it hurts so much not to have him here with me there wasn't a day we weren't together and now that he is not here i'm lost. My children have been wonderful they are taking care of me it's funny I thought it would be the other way around. If there's anyone who has helpful words I would appriciate it. Thank you Melissa

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