Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 1, 2009 at 8:46am

Barry,
I agree with Sue on this point. Who is she to tell you that you are dwelling. She did'nt share his life with him. She was not the one who had to watch his pain when he got sick it was you. I don't know how many times I have been told that I need to let go of my babycakes even within my own family I get that. What they don't understand is that you never let go of the other half of your soul. Its like I was telling my mom on the phone the other day when my husband was put in that box and lowered down 12ft into the ground it was not just his body that was buried but over half of me went with him. I feel dead inside.
And worse then ever some of my family is already trying to "hook me up" not even 6 months after he has been gone. I wonder if it will be that easy for them when they loose their husbands. I don't think so.

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 1, 2009 at 8:47am

I to get the how are yous. I have learned to say back to alot of those people that I am as well as can be expected what more can you say. We are not good we are not ok but if we tell people how we really are feeling they look at us as if we are from another planet. I just get so angry let these people walk just 10 steps in our shoes and then maybe they would see.
I am not sure why but this week has been really really hard for me I just hope that we all can help each other.

Permalink Reply by BRANDI on May 1, 2009 at 12:02pm

MY MOM DIED WHERN I WAS ONLY 3. AND I MISS HER ALOT. I DONT KNOW ALOT ABOUT HER. THE ONLY THING I KNOW IS HER NAME, BIRTHDAY, FAVORTE SONG& COLOR, AND THE DAY SHE DIED. ITS REALLY HARD WHEN I GO TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY AND HEAR MY FRIENDS TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY DID WITH THERE MOMS OVER THE WEEKEND. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. PLEASEHELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT TO DO

Permalink Reply by BRANDI on May 1, 2009 at 12:02pm

MY MOM DIED WHERN I WAS ONLY 3. AND I MISS HER ALOT. I DONT KNOW ALOT ABOUT HER. THE ONLY THING I KNOW IS HER NAME, BIRTHDAY, FAVORTE SONG& COLOR, AND THE DAY SHE DIED. ITS REALLY HARD WHEN I GO TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY AND HEAR MY FRIENDS TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY DID WITH THERE MOMS OVER THE WEEKEND. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. PLEASEHELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT TO DO

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 1, 2009 at 6:37pm

Lisa, This week has been really bad for me too. It seems like its been a bad week for alot of us. It seems the longer it gets the harder it is getting for me. I just cant deal with the fact that she is never ever coming back.. I got home from work a little while ago, came into the house and was like.. " Ok Annette, I dont want to play anymore, come out from wherever it is you are hiding."

Lisa said:

I to get the how are yous. I have learned to say back to alot of those people that I am as well as can be expected what more can you say. We are not good we are not ok but if we tell people how we really are feeling they look at us as if we are from another planet. I just get so angry let these people walk just 10 steps in our shoes and then maybe they would see.
I am not sure why but this week has been really really hard for me I just hope that we all can help each other.

Permalink Reply by catherine Minshew on May 2, 2009 at 12:24am

It is 9 months and 2 weeks since Earl went to God and for me as well this has been one of the worst weeks since I buried him. My daughter and her husband told me they are getting a divorce a few weeks ago and I sat them both down and yelled at them like little children about how selfish they were being, they have a baby that just turned 1 and that love takes work and commitment and no it’s not always fun, but it so much more than that when you know what the other one is thinking and maybe what they were going to say before they say it, it’s about when you’ve had a bad day and they know to give you a little space or to hold you without saying a word and just knowing that person believes in you and you in them. When it’s all said and done it is worth fighting for and I would give ANYTHING in the world to have a fight with Earl, not that I would want to fight with him but I would take anything I could get to see the sparkle in his eyes and hear his voice and be able to have him hold me when we both said I’m sorry. I made myself hysterical and they both started crying and have been going to a marriage counselor but who knows where that will go. I know it’s been a tuff year for all of us. Earl was her step dad, even though we never used “step”, and she loved him more than her own father for the 10 years we were married.
The pain I have had losing Earl has been unbearable most days and I try to stay to myself a lot, more so than when I lost my brother to a gun accident when he was 17, the day before New Years Eve and then lost my mother the day after New Years to a hit and run driver who knocked her the length of a football field when she was crossing the street on the way to my brothers funeral, the driver was never found. My Dad had a heart attack and died a few years later 4 days before Christmas. Pain is something I have learned to live with my whole life but losing Earl is more than I can take, he was my life.
We are all in such a bad place and I know the pain we all share is one of unspeakable sorrow. I bought a new house because I couldn’t stand to come home from work and relive the punch in the stomach everyday knowing he wasn’t there when I walked in after that brief moment thinking maybe this was all a bad dream and I woke up. I am now struggling to pay 2 mortgages because I still haven’t moved. I am caught in between the past and the present and I buried my future with Earl and it SUCKS! I don’t want to hear anyone tell me it will get better because it doesn’t…I had a girl that works for me come into my office the other day and toss a condom on my desk and tell me it was time to get back in the saddle again…you’ve got to be kidding, even my councilor told me that I need to find someone. I know they mean well but I can’t take anymore. I want my life back, the one I had together with Earl, not this pretend game I play everyday, the only emotions I have now are pain and sorrow and a desperate felling of loneliness that rattles me to the core.
God bless all of us in this abyss….

Permalink Reply by Pauline on May 2, 2009 at 1:25am

Catherine
Arent people sometimes thoughtless or even more so down right stupid!! How dare people try to say its time to get a life..it sounds so heartless and they dont even know what the hell we are going through - its not like a breakup or a divorce or arguement where you can walkaway and start again what the hell planet are they on..we have lost our soulmates, our reasons for living, we have just lost the loves of our lives..I know this may sound stupid but just the thought of making new friends (male friends) makes me feel guilty I feel I am being unfaithful to my husband ..hes not here physically but he will always be here..everywhere..but most of all in my heart always and forever :( :( I wouldnt wish this heartache on anyone but you know until they experience what we are going through they will never understand...xxx God bless everyone on this site

catherine Minshew said:

It is 9 months and 2 weeks since Earl went to God and for me as well this has been one of the worst weeks since I buried him. My daughter and her husband told me they are getting a divorce a few weeks ago and I sat them both down and yelled at them like little children about how selfish they were being, they have a baby that just turned 1 and that love takes work and commitment and no it’s not always fun, but it so much more than that when you know what the other one is thinking and maybe what they were going to say before they say it, it’s about when you’ve had a bad day and they know to give you a little space or to hold you without saying a word and just knowing that person believes in you and you in them. When it’s all said and done it is worth fighting for and I would give ANYTHING in the world to have a fight with Earl, not that I would want to fight with him but I would take anything I could get to see the sparkle in his eyes and hear his voice and be able to have him hold me when we both said I’m sorry. I made myself hysterical and they both started crying and have been going to a marriage counselor but who knows where that will go. I know it’s been a tuff year for all of us. Earl was her step dad, even though we never used “step”, and she loved him more than her own father for the 10 years we were married.
The pain I have had losing Earl has been unbearable most days and I try to stay to myself a lot, more so than when I lost my brother to a gun accident when he was 17, the day before New Years Eve and then lost my mother the day after New Years to a hit and run driver who knocked her the length of a football field when she was crossing the street on the way to my brothers funeral, the driver was never found. My Dad had a heart attack and died a few years later 4 days before Christmas. Pain is something I have learned to live with my whole life but losing Earl is more than I can take, he was my life.
We are all in such a bad place and I know the pain we all share is one of unspeakable sorrow. I bought a new house because I couldn’t stand to come home from work and relive the punch in the stomach everyday knowing he wasn’t there when I walked in after that brief moment thinking maybe this was all a bad dream and I woke up. I am now struggling to pay 2 mortgages because I still haven’t moved. I am caught in between the past and the present and I buried my future with Earl and it SUCKS! I don’t want to hear anyone tell me it will get better because it doesn’t…I had a girl that works for me come into my office the other day and toss a condom on my desk and tell me it was time to get back in the saddle again…you’ve got to be kidding, even my councilor told me that I need to find someone. I know they mean well but I can’t take anymore. I want my life back, the one I had together with Earl, not this pretend game I play everyday, the only emotions I have now are pain and sorrow and a desperate felling of loneliness that rattles me to the core.
God bless all of us in this abyss….

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 2, 2009 at 2:03am

Catherine, I know what you mean about the pretend game we play. At work, it appears that I am somewhat back to normal. But every minute I am there she is in my mind. I am either talking to her constantly in my head or memories keep flashing in my mind. The moment I leave work I go home and just sit there.. or pace the apartment. I have no motivation to do anything. I keep telling myself all the stuff I need to do but just cant. I want my life back. I want my baby back. I cant take this anymore. And it keeps repeating.. day after day after day with no end in sight.

catherine Minshew said:

It is 9 months and 2 weeks since Earl went to God and for me as well this has been one of the worst weeks since I buried him. My daughter and her husband told me they are getting a divorce a few weeks ago and I sat them both down and yelled at them like little children about how selfish they were being, they have a baby that just turned 1 and that love takes work and commitment and no it’s not always fun, but it so much more than that when you know what the other one is thinking and maybe what they were going to say before they say it, it’s about when you’ve had a bad day and they know to give you a little space or to hold you without saying a word and just knowing that person believes in you and you in them. When it’s all said and done it is worth fighting for and I would give ANYTHING in the world to have a fight with Earl, not that I would want to fight with him but I would take anything I could get to see the sparkle in his eyes and hear his voice and be able to have him hold me when we both said I’m sorry. I made myself hysterical and they both started crying and have been going to a marriage counselor but who knows where that will go. I know it’s been a tuff year for all of us. Earl was her step dad, even though we never used “step”, and she loved him more than her own father for the 10 years we were married.
The pain I have had losing Earl has been unbearable most days and I try to stay to myself a lot, more so than when I lost my brother to a gun accident when he was 17, the day before New Years Eve and then lost my mother the day after New Years to a hit and run driver who knocked her the length of a football field when she was crossing the street on the way to my brothers funeral, the driver was never found. My Dad had a heart attack and died a few years later 4 days before Christmas. Pain is something I have learned to live with my whole life but losing Earl is more than I can take, he was my life.
We are all in such a bad place and I know the pain we all share is one of unspeakable sorrow. I bought a new house because I couldn’t stand to come home from work and relive the punch in the stomach everyday knowing he wasn’t there when I walked in after that brief moment thinking maybe this was all a bad dream and I woke up. I am now struggling to pay 2 mortgages because I still haven’t moved. I am caught in between the past and the present and I buried my future with Earl and it SUCKS! I don’t want to hear anyone tell me it will get better because it doesn’t…I had a girl that works for me come into my office the other day and toss a condom on my desk and tell me it was time to get back in the saddle again…you’ve got to be kidding, even my councilor told me that I need to find someone. I know they mean well but I can’t take anymore. I want my life back, the one I had together with Earl, not this pretend game I play everyday, the only emotions I have now are pain and sorrow and a desperate felling of loneliness that rattles me to the core.
God bless all of us in this abyss….

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on May 2, 2009 at 4:01am

It’s May 2009 and I can’t believe that I’m still here. I feel so lost and alone. I have been numb and emotional, and back and forth on the emotional rollercoaster. I’m so angry but not with Robert. It’s hard to be angry with someone who was terminally ill and suffered for so long as I watched, helpless, as My Beautiful Love just got worse. I feel abandoned. I look around Our home and shake my head with disbelief. Our house used to be so active and noisy but now the silence can be deafening. I sometimes look into the house from the backyard, expecting to see Robert sitting in His recliner, watching TV, although I know better. I went into His room a couple days ago and just started to cry. It’s just the way it was. He was supposed to come home from the hospital and then I would help Him recuperate but He didn’t come back. I wanted Robert to come home, where He would have been comfortable, but He wouldn’t have made it. I think about that last day in the hospital room all the time, every 8th of the month. My mind still sees it as if it were only yesterday and the pain is just as intense as it ever was. Yeah, it’s hard to type while I cry. It’s been a couple months since I entered His room. I’ll look at the door but I just can’t bring myself to go in there. I went into the room yesterday and just broke down again.
When I saw a counselor last year, I told her that before I lost Robert I used to feel like everything in my mind was like a snow globe in constant motion. I said that each piece of snow was something I had to do, or remember, or think about but could never hold onto any piece of snow long enough to do anything with. That was how I felt for years after Robert’s stroke and I didn’t realize how it was affecting me. After I lost Robert and several months later, the motion began to slow down and the snow began to settle. Now that I had time to think about the chaos that was in my head, the guilt and regrets began to surface. There are so many things I wish I had done or had the time to do before. It’s hard to find the motivation to do much more than only what is necessary. I feel guilty just thinking about what I need to do to fix up parts of the house that I’ve neglected for so long and I think, “what for”? Robert isn’t here to appreciate it now. I miss My Baby so much.

There are so many mean and bad people in this world who live long lives, continuing to be mean and bad. Then there are good people who just want to enjoy life with a family, a job, a home but end up suffering for years. It makes no sense. Robert was a good and generous person who would help anyone. My mind can’t make sense of it.

I don’t’ know what to think when it comes to my family and Robert’s family. I used to believe that my family was about as dysfunctional as could be but I realize that people are the same no matter where one lives. I try not to think about them too much because it just adds to my stress.

Thank you all and thank you for allowing me to ramble on.

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on May 2, 2009 at 4:28am

Christine – thanks for your kind words about my Mom’s and brother’s website. I can’t make a decision to leave Our home right now because I planned to die while we lived in Our house.

Lisa and Sue – thank you. Robert’s sister didn’t live with and take care of Him. She or their parents weren’t with Robert at doctor visits, hospitals stays, tests and finding out something else was wrong or on and on. They don’t know all of the anguish I’ve seen Him endure for so many years. They would never understand.

Catherine, I am so glad you said what you did to your daughter and son-in-law. It’s so easy for them to go their separate ways because they could get back together some day or meet other people. When you lose the one person who means the world to you, forever, it changes the whole meaning of going separate ways. My sister and her husband had a home and two kids, a boy and girl – they divorced because it was easy.

Pauline, I’m sorry for your loss. I guess we are all facing the good intentions of people who don’t really understand.

Sometimes I wish that I could be as cold and callous as the people who appear that way, but, at the same time I wouldn’t trade what we had. I miss Robert more than life itself.

Barry

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 2, 2009 at 6:43pm

Barry, I don't think I am leaving our apartment anytime soon either. I just can't. But it's just an apartment that we lived in, we did'nt own a home. I see all of her things everytime I go into the bedroom. It's still so hard. She was suppose to come home too so I could take care of her while she waited to get to denver for the transplant.. 3 months ago today she went to albuquerque for a doctor appointment and never came back. She was in the hospital from Feb 2 - 21st. Today on the way home from work I had this overwhelming feeling that she was going to be there when I got home.. I kept checking my phone for a text or something.. I kept telling myself, " She's not there Christine, stop it". I can't take this anymore. I miss my wife. It's getting worse by the day and I don't know what to do. I'm so lost.

BarryWHK said:

It’s May 2009 and I can’t believe that I’m still here. I feel so lost and alone. I have been numb and emotional, and back and forth on the emotional rollercoaster. I’m so angry but not with Robert. It’s hard to be angry with someone who was terminally ill and suffered for so long as I watched, helpless, as My Beautiful Love just got worse. I feel abandoned. I look around Our home and shake my head with disbelief. Our house used to be so active and noisy but now the silence can be deafening. I sometimes look into the house from the backyard, expecting to see Robert sitting in His recliner, watching TV, although I know better. I went into His room a couple days ago and just started to cry. It’s just the way it was. He was supposed to come home from the hospital and then I would help Him recuperate but He didn’t come back. I wanted Robert to come home, where He would have been comfortable, but He wouldn’t have made it. I think about that last day in the hospital room all the time, every 8th of the month. My mind still sees it as if it were only yesterday and the pain is just as intense as it ever was. Yeah, it’s hard to type while I cry. It’s been a couple months since I entered His room. I’ll look at the door but I just can’t bring myself to go in there. I went into the room yesterday and just broke down again.
When I saw a counselor last year, I told her that before I lost Robert I used to feel like everything in my mind was like a snow globe in constant motion. I said that each piece of snow was something I had to do, or remember, or think about but could never hold onto any piece of snow long enough to do anything with. That was how I felt for years after Robert’s stroke and I didn’t realize how it was affecting me. After I lost Robert and several months later, the motion began to slow down and the snow began to settle. Now that I had time to think about the chaos that was in my head, the guilt and regrets began to surface. There are so many things I wish I had done or had the time to do before. It’s hard to find the motivation to do much more than only what is necessary. I feel guilty just thinking about what I need to do to fix up parts of the house that I’ve neglected for so long and I think, “what for”? Robert isn’t here to appreciate it now. I miss My Baby so much.

There are so many mean and bad people in this world who live long lives, continuing to be mean and bad. Then there are good people who just want to enjoy life with a family, a job, a home but end up suffering for years. It makes no sense. Robert was a good and generous person who would help anyone. My mind can’t make sense of it.

I don’t’ know what to think when it comes to my family and Robert’s family. I used to believe that my family was about as dysfunctional as could be but I realize that people are the same no matter where one lives. I try not to think about them too much because it just adds to my stress.

Thank you all and thank you for allowing me to ramble on.

Permalink Reply by Pauline on May 2, 2009 at 8:38pm

Barry, Christine,Catherine, Sue, Lisa and Annalise

Today I feel sad I wish that it was times like this that we were just in the same town so we can just give each other that hug that we all need and to just hug and cry...is that asking too much?

As our days turn into weeks and then months it doesnt get any easier this page has given me some sanity and I feel pain everytime I read someones reply..I always cry because everything that is written is what I am feeling , what I am doing, what I should have done and the what ifs........

Please feel my hug coming through to each and one of yous as each endless meaningless painfully lonely day passes us by...

Pauline

BarryWHK said:

Christine – thanks for your kind words about my Mom’s and brother’s website. I can’t make a decision to leave Our home right now because I planned to die while we lived in Our house.

Lisa and Sue – thank you. Robert’s sister didn’t live with and take care of Him. She or their parents weren’t with Robert at doctor visits, hospitals stays, tests and finding out something else was wrong or on and on. They don’t know all of the anguish I’ve seen Him endure for so many years. They would never understand.

Catherine, I am so glad you said what you did to your daughter and son-in-law. It’s so easy for them to go their separate ways because they could get back together some day or meet other people. When you lose the one person who means the world to you, forever, it changes the whole meaning of going separate ways. My sister and her husband had a home and two kids, a boy and girl – they divorced because it was easy.

Pauline, I’m sorry for your loss. I guess we are all facing the good intentions of people who don’t really understand.

Sometimes I wish that I could be as cold and callous as the people who appear that way, but, at the same time I wouldn’t trade what we had. I miss Robert more than life itself.

Barry

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