Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Manria on January 22, 2009 at 3:32pm

Hello, my name is Maria and I am 42 I lost my husband Manny at 41 yrs of age a year ago. I met him when I was 14 years old. We had our 1st baby at 16yrs old we have 5 children together ranging in the age of 14 yrs to 26 years old, we have 8 grand babies together. My heart is broken.. I am strong but can't seem to get over this..I feel like I should be gone with him too.

Maria

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Permalink Reply by Connie G on March 18, 2009 at 6:01am

On Jan. 21 of 2009 I lost my husband of 37 years to lung cancer, he was only 57. he fought a long hard battle for 9 months and I have such a hard time getting his illness out of my mind. One month before that I lost my brother to lung cancer and one year before that my friend, 5 years before that my mom also lung cancer. I feel so lost and all alone now. but I try and spend happy times with my children and grand kids. life can be short. Thanks for reading and letting me vent.
Connie

Permalink Reply by debbie pasch on March 20, 2009 at 6:02am

dear connie,

i am very sorry for all your losses and of course i don't even know what to begin to say. my husband died from cancer the day after thanksgiving and i continue to wander around in a complete daze. can't sleep, don't eat for days then become a stupid pig and toss anything and everything
into my mouth until i'm more sick. i miss eric more than i ever thought
possible. i'm afraid i'm not in a very comforting mode right now but i would like to talk to you so more at a better time (if those actually exist)

my name is debbie and if you don't reach me at legacy, my e-mail is
jellybellysunny@yahoo.com

Permalink Reply by catherine Minshew on March 20, 2009 at 1:44pm

I am so so sorry that so many people feel what I feel; I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I lost my husband and love of my life to lung cancer July 16th 2008, he was 51. Debbie I know what you are going through with not sleeping, wandering, eating until I'm sick then sometimes forgetting for days to eat. It's been 8 months this week and I still cry everyday. I play the I'm ok game at work but my mind wanders always back to him and something he did or said or something that we did together, I feel like I'm losing my mind but won't really miss it when it goes. My husband Earl was the greatest thing to ever happen to me, well him and the birth of my children. People tell me I only remember the good parts of our relationship because he's gone but that not true our marriage was good, yes we fought once and a while but it was few and far between that we had a real flight and we never stayed mad. I waited for him my whole life and it took me 2 other marriages before we found each other, it was the best 10 years I could have ever wished for.
he was a non-smoker but spent 22 years in the Air force but was retired (the government took no responsibility) We knew he had the cancer for 16 months and he fought hard. The doctors never told him to get his affairs in order or gave time a time line. He got pneumonia and within 2 days was in a coma on a breathing machine. I stayed with him for 6 days until his fight was over and mine started. I fight everyday to live without him. He left me a present that helps, 3 months before he left me he got sole custody of his 12 year old twin boys (my 3 are grown). He fought for 5 years to get them so I fought to keep them and last week I got sole custody of my step sons (they wanted to stay too). The hole in my life is still there without him but the boys help the pain lighten up when they smile and hug me and we talk about "dad".

I lost my all my grand parents, mom, dad and a brother but nothing could ever prepare me for this kind of grief. All I can say to everyone that has posted on this is , "you never get over the loss, you just find a place to put it" I'm still looking for that place but have hope that I will someday.

Permalink Reply by Rhonda Fox on March 20, 2009 at 3:59pm

Manria said:

Hello, my name is Maria and I am 42 I lost my husband Manny at 41 yrs of age a year ago. I met him when I was 14 years old. We had our 1st baby at 16yrs old we have 5 children together ranging in the age of 14 yrs to 26 years old, we have 8 grand babies together. My heart is broken.. I am strong but can't seem to get over this..I feel like I should be gone with him too.

Maria

Permalink Reply by Lisa on March 20, 2009 at 4:11pm

It is hard to hear other peoples stories. I feel as if I am the only one going through this pain. I am 35 years old and lost my husband of only two years to lung cancer on November 20, 2008 20 days to the day after we found out that he had it. My husband was only 49 years old. It was so sudden and unexpected I expected to spend a lifetime with him. Now I can't sleep I have had thoughts of sucide, not eating and cry almost every day. And I get to relive the night he died once a month every month. I feel as if I am trapped in a pitch black endless maze and I will never ever find my way out. I get tired of hearing that it will " GET BETTER" I don't think that it can ever get better when you have lost the one person in your life that made you totally happy. I was married twice before this to two very abusive men. My husband took me away from all that. Took me to a life I did'nt think was possible. I try not to let my feelings show to much anymore its as if people get tired of hearing you cry and repeat yourself. I am sure that this has not helped but thanks for taking the time to read this and let me vent my feelings that are trapped inside.

Lisa

Permalink Reply by Rhonda Fox on March 20, 2009 at 4:13pm

I AM NEW TO ALL THIS BLOGGING STUFF AS I AM NEW TO THE LOSS OF MY HUSBAND. I LOST HIM ON SEPT. 5TH OF 2008. SO AS I SAID IM
NEW TO IT ALL. I CAN TELL YOU AND ANYONE READING THIS THAT I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. MY HUSBAND DIED OF A SEIZURE IN HIS SLEEP.I AM AT A TOTAL LOSS NOW. I TOO KEEP THINKING THAT I NEED TO TELL HIM SOMETHING OR SHOW HIM BUT THEN I AM BROUGHT BACK TO REALIZE HE ISN'T HERE TO TALK TO OR TO SEE. I LOOK AT HIS PICTURE AND AT TIMES I FEEL LIKE I COULD I'D SLAP HIM FOR LEAVING ME ALONE AND SCARED. THEN I HAVE TO PRAY AND ASK GOD TO FORGIVE ME FOR THINKING SUCH THOUGHTS.I KNOW THAT HE DIDN'T CHOOSE TO GO AWAY LIKE THAT. BUT I JUST MISS HIM SO MUCH .I HAVE PUT MY ALL INTO MY CHURCH AND TRYING TO LIVE SO THAT WHEN I DIE SOME DAY I WILL MEET JESUS IN THE AIR, AND MY HUSBAND WILL BE THERE TOO. I HOPE AND PRAY WE ALL CAN GET TO A PLACE WHERE WE CAN ALL DEAL WITH OUR LOSS. WHERE WE WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE THE DAY WITHOUT CRYING AND BE ABLE TO COPE. GOD BE WITH US ALL.

Permalink Reply by sue on March 23, 2009 at 11:33am

Rhonda, I too lost my husband It was a brain anerysm. He was 54 and appeared healthy and died suddenly without warning. We had just spoken on the phone about 15 minutes prior to his death. It was 5-22-08. It does get better, not easier, but you have to go on and live. I don't think I can ever understand or agree but I know I must accept the loss. The worst thing in my life.
We have grandchildren and that is a blessing. I miss him every day and everything reminds me of him and what I will miss for the future. It is such a shock to just have him disappear from life so quickly.
I know in my heart I will see him again someday but it is very hard today. I pray that you will find purpose for your life and you will be happy again. God loves us too much to leave us in pain forever. To know love is to know the loss of love. I tell myself, I am one of the lucky ones, because some people go their whole life never knowing the love we shared. For that we are truly blessed.
suep

Permalink Reply by sue on March 23, 2009 at 11:58am

Lisa, I am so sorry. My heart just hurts for you. No one knows exactly how the other person feels but I have had each of these thoughts. I lost my husband 5-22-08 to a brain anerysm. He was 54. It was sudden and without warning. I have thought of all the horrible men in my past life why this one Lord? I have felt punished, condemmed, angry, you name it. I don't allow myself the real thought of suicide and I so pray you don't either. I don't understand why these things happen but I do believe that you are to live on and that this experience was always yours to have. We were loved and we loved. Like I said in another post, "some people don't get to have that experience. " We did!! Does it make it easier, "no". It is so hard to accept and go on but I know I must and you must too.
I am age 60 and I can't even imagine having this experience at your age and knowing how hard it has been on me. Your life has value even without your husband, I know this to be a fact.
I encourage you to get help and don't stay alone and in this state of mind too long. I too spent a lot of time alone and still do. I figured out that I needed to find myself again before I could be myself with others. There are people that care. Please take care of yourself and find an outlet for your pain. I don't know if it gets easier. I think you get to a point of acceptance knowing you have no choice. Some days you can remember and laugh and remember the joy. There are times when the same thought brings tears but the tears are less painful and just mostly cleansing. It is okay to cry and okay to feel all the emotions but you need to feel okay too.
I do think people are somewhat uncomfortable because they don't know what to say and they are reminded it could be them, but some truly care and you need to be with those folks.
This is a tough gig, probably the worst you will ever have in your life. You will come out of that black hole. You described the feelings so well and with such honestly, but don't forget how many people love you and want you in their life. You are important. I don't want this experience to define me forever. I want to honor our life together by living on. Think if you can, how you would want him to go on without you. I think he would want me to remember him and the love and laughter and make my life count because he didn't get to finish his, I feel I must live even more fully for the two of us.
As crazy as it might sound, a friend gave me a puppy. I already had a couple but the new puppy brought life and laughter back. He is a goof. Just what we needed in this house of grief. Even my other dogs pulled out of the sadness. Do whatever it takes to feel better but I find that just retreating when I need to and going when I must, helps me.
Take care of yourself, you matter. Suep

Lisa said:

It is hard to hear other peoples stories. I feel as if I am the only one going through this pain. I am 35 years old and lost my husband of only two years to lung cancer on November 20, 2008 20 days to the day after we found out that he had it. My husband was only 49 years old. It was so sudden and unexpected I expected to spend a lifetime with him. Now I can't sleep I have had thoughts of sucide, not eating and cry almost every day. And I get to relive the night he died once a month every month. I feel as if I am trapped in a pitch black endless maze and I will never ever find my way out. I get tired of hearing that it will " GET BETTER" I don't think that it can ever get better when you have lost the one person in your life that made you totally happy. I was married twice before this to two very abusive men. My husband took me away from all that. Took me to a life I did'nt think was possible. I try not to let my feelings show to much anymore its as if people get tired of hearing you cry and repeat yourself. I am sure that this has not helped but thanks for taking the time to read this and let me vent my feelings that are trapped inside.

Lisa

Permalink Reply by L1 on March 23, 2009 at 12:17pm

Wednesday, March 25 will mark two years since my husband Byron passed away. He died as a result of an enlarged heart...a silent killer about which we had no idea. There was never an indication that there was anything wrong. He was 39 years old. I am now raising our three young sons alone. It's been a long roller coaster ride the past two years. I've read through all your stories and see so many other young widows. That's been one of the more difficult aspects of my own personal journey...there seems to be such a skewed perspective of widowhood being something that only impacts little old ladies (no offense intended at all). I've felt the complete hopelessness, the emptiness, the grief of not only his loss but the loss of dreams and the future I saw in my mind's eye for us and for our sons. I've struggled with the "if only" and the "should have" thoughts. I've cried more tears than I could ever count, and I've spent many days arguing with myself about the prospect of having to get out of bed again. I can say this for certain, however...God is faithful and his grace is infinite. He is good ALL the time. Without His help, I would have crumbled completely. I have His strength to guide me. He has been so good to put Godly men in my boys' lives. He has kept me going when I thought nothing else could. I pray His blessings upon you who are suffering the pain of the loss of a loved one today, and lift you up to the One whose grace can cover that pain with a love that lasts forever. God bless you all.

Permalink Reply by catherine Minshew on March 24, 2009 at 1:13pm

Lisa, I too lost my husband to lung cancer and he was only 51, it still hurts so very badly. I still cry everyday and the smallest things like when I hear his favorite songs on the radio sends me off on a crying tangent. I get mad over nothing and let things pass right by me that would normally make me furious. To smile takes effort and is never from my heart, it’s to full of pain. I could win an academy award for acting when I’m at work but fall apart every time I’m alone.
I can’t help but feel that with so many of us who have such a black hole left when our loved one leaves us that maybe it’s because they filled our lives with such bright light when they were here. When you look at the sun, and then close your eyes all you see is black, with the outline of how intense the sun was and it takes a while for your sight to return to normal. My husbands love for me and mine for him was like that. I am still waiting for my sight (life) to return to normal, what ever normal may be now.
I spoke with a counselor right after he passed and had no luck trying to find the answers I was looking for. I didn’t go to her again and have been searching for answers on my own and I don’t really even know what the questions are. I have learned something though. I learned there are no answers and the questions are overwhelming. The past 8 months have shown me that. I wake up every morning from what I now know as sleep (the restless night spent tossing and turning and reaching for him and waking up in tears because I can’t feel him beside me) and then the reality wall of life hits me like a ton of bricks knowing I have to face the day and go on even though I would rather climb back in bed and lay there until he comes and gets me to be with him again. I myself have had thoughts of helping my journey back to him finish at my own hand but then I think, what if I don’t get back to him? He was a good man and I want to be by his side again and if I do something stupid I won’t get there, and the thought of eternity without him scares me more than waiting to finishing my job here on earth to be with him again. I am not overly spiritual but do believe in God so I won’t take that risk. I have been mad at God for taking him and leaving me here but if given the choice, would I rather have him feel the pain I am going through instead of me? The answer is emphatically NO; I would never want him to have this pain because I love him so very much, so God must have known that.
I am, at best, half of the person I used to be and I know I have changed. Loving someone so much and losing them has to change you, but as Sue said “some people don't get to have that experience”. I am very lucky to have had the GIFT of my husbands love, but for now I still wonder if there will ever be a time that I will be happy with who I am instead of grieve for who we were. I do however have hope that I can someday again be the person who he fell in love with.
Cathy


Lisa said:

It is hard to hear other peoples stories. I feel as if I am the only one going through this pain. I am 35 years old and lost my husband of only two years to lung cancer on November 20, 2008 20 days to the day after we found out that he had it. My husband was only 49 years old. It was so sudden and unexpected I expected to spend a lifetime with him. Now I can't sleep I have had thoughts of sucide, not eating and cry almost every day. And I get to relive the night he died once a month every month. I feel as if I am trapped in a pitch black endless maze and I will never ever find my way out. I get tired of hearing that it will " GET BETTER" I don't think that it can ever get better when you have lost the one person in your life that made you totally happy. I was married twice before this to two very abusive men. My husband took

Permalink Reply by debbie pasch on March 24, 2009 at 7:01pm

catherine Minshew said:

I am so so sorry that so many people feel what I feel; I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I lost my husband and love of my life to lung cancer July 16th 2008, he was 51. Debbie I know what you are going through with not sleeping, wandering, eating until I'm sick then sometimes forgetting for days to eat. It's been 8 months this week and I still cry everyday. I play the I'm ok game at work but my mind wanders always back to him and something he did or said or something that we did together, I feel like I'm losing my mind but won't really miss it when it goes. My husband Earl was the greatest thing to ever happen to me, well him and the birth of my children. People tell me I only remember the good parts of our relationship because he's gone but that not true our marriage was good, yes we fought once and a while but it was few and far between that we had a real flight and we never stayed mad. I waited for him my whole life and it took me 2 other marriages before we found each other, it was the best 10 years I could have ever wished for.
he was a non-smoker but spent 22 years in the Air force but was retired (the government took no responsibility) We knew he had the cancer for 16 months and he fought hard. The doctors never told him to get his affairs in order or gave time a time line. He got pneumonia and within 2 days was in a coma on a breathing machine. I stayed with him for 6 days until his fight was over and mine started. I fight everyday to live without him. He left me a present that helps, 3 months before he left me he got sole custody of his 12 year old twin boys (my 3 are grown). He fought for 5 years to get them so I fought to keep them and last week I got sole custody of my step sons (they wanted to stay too). The hole in my life is still there without him but the boys help the pain lighten up when they smile and hug me and we talk about "dad".

I lost my all my grand parents, mom, dad and a brother but nothing could ever prepare me for this kind of grief. All I can say to everyone that has posted on this is , "you never get over the loss, you just find a place to put it" I'm still looking for that place but have hope that I will someday.

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