Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Pauline on April 12, 2009 at 10:33pm

Likewise Catherine its the holidays and the birthdays and the anniversaries that are going to be our hardest times my heart aches everytime I see a couple hand in hand and so happy its just not fair..why us ..why why


Christine said:

Thank God this day is almost over. This is my first holiday alone. Luckily I had to work, but I have been so grumpy and miserable.. Seeing all these happy families celebrating... I hate this.

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 12, 2009 at 10:52pm

Oh I know.. the couples hand in hand.. or just together... I always say to myself.. I wonder if you realize how lucky you are.

Pauline said:

Likewise Catherine its the holidays and the birthdays and the anniversaries that are going to be our hardest times my heart aches everytime I see a couple hand in hand and so happy its just not fair..why us ..why why


Christine said:

Thank God this day is almost over. This is my first holiday alone. Luckily I had to work, but I have been so grumpy and miserable.. Seeing all these happy families celebrating... I hate this.

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 13, 2009 at 3:52am

yes
..i too could not wait for easter to be over.
everyone wishing each other a HAPPY EASTER killed me over and over.
i dont expect the world to stop cos i am dying of misery but on the other hand i hate life and just wish some people were more sensitive to me...

why am i getting worse ????

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 13, 2009 at 9:49am

annalise, you lost your husband 4 days before I lost my partner so we are in the same time frame. I dont know if you read any of my previous posts but I understand the hospital stays, the excrutiating pain they were in and then.. they left. And we are here.. and dont want to be. It has been 7 weeks since I lost her and it feels like years and it feels like it happened yesterday. I still cry at least a couple times a day and still ask God to " take me too". On the outside, to people I work with or know I seem the same probably. But inside I am completely different. I am numb, devastated, and yeah extremely mad. Somedays I hate everything and everybody. I hate their happy lives with the one they love. I know its wrong, but sometimes I feel that way. I also have been worrying about money real bad because I dont make enough to pay the bills. Neither annette nor I had alot and we lived paycheck to paycheck like most, but now its one paycheck short and I dont know what to do. Thinking about taking a second job but I do have one child still young enough to care for. He is 11. My oldest is 21 on her own with my grandson. Plus, I dropped out of school for the semester when annette was dying because I just couldnt continue. But it is something that I need to finish and get a good job if I am forced to do this on my own. I know she would have wanted me to finish so I will do it for her as well. I hate this. I hate life too and I miss her more and more everyday. I dont know when, if ever this will get better for us but I am grateful to have this site to get my feelings out. So thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my words.

annalise samuel lapira said:

yes
..i too could not wait for easter to be over.
everyone wishing each other a HAPPY EASTER killed me over and over.
i dont expect the world to stop cos i am dying of misery but on the other hand i hate life and just wish some people were more sensitive to me...

why am i getting worse ????

Permalink Reply by Pauline on April 13, 2009 at 3:01pm

Annelise and Catherine I know how you are feeling I also have these feelings but dont be so hard on yourselves we are GRIEVING..we have lost the loves of our lives, our soulmates, our partners were the reason we were so happy, so alive they gave us that reason to want to be here to wake up everyday and share everything with them and then one day its all gone..this page helps me grieve it lets me get out my feelings and I am so grateful..be angry, be hateful,cry, cry and cry..our friends and family really dont know what we are going through until they have to go through it too..they are soooo lucky ... just take it one day at a time...10 weeks seems like yesterday..

Christine said:

annalise, you lost your husband 4 days before I lost my partner so we are in the same time frame. I dont know if you read any of my previous posts but I understand the hospital stays, the excrutiating pain they were in and then.. they left. And we are here.. and dont want to be. It has been 7 weeks since I lost her and it feels like years and it feels like it happened yesterday. I still cry at least a couple times a day and still ask God to " take me too". On the outside, to people I work with or know I seem the same probably. But inside I am completely different. I am numb, devastated, and yeah extremely mad. Somedays I hate everything and everybody. I hate their happy lives with the one they love. I know its wrong, but sometimes I feel that way. I also have been worrying about money real bad because I dont make enough to pay the bills. Neither annette nor I had alot and we lived paycheck to paycheck like most, but now its one paycheck short and I dont know what to do. Thinking about taking a second job but I do have one child still young enough to care for. He is 11. My oldest is 21 on her own with my grandson. Plus, I dropped out of school for the semester when annette was dying because I just couldnt continue. But it is something that I need to finish and get a good job if I am forced to do this on my own. I know she would have wanted me to finish so I will do it for her as well. I hate this. I hate life too and I miss her more and more everyday. I dont know when, if ever this will get better for us but I am grateful to have this site to get my feelings out. So thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my words.

annalise samuel lapira said:

yes
..i too could not wait for easter to be over.
everyone wishing each other a HAPPY EASTER killed me over and over.
i dont expect the world to stop cos i am dying of misery but on the other hand i hate life and just wish some people were more sensitive to me...

why am i getting worse ????

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 14, 2009 at 6:59am

hi christine..yes i read your previous posts.
in everyone's message there is something i can relate to and i thank you all for posting as it helps to know one is not alone in the way one feels.
it is just that i keep feeling i am getting worse as time goes by.
i know it is going to take a very long time before i even start to feel some semblance of relief...yesterday i thought i felt a bit stronger.
this morning i am feeling worse than ever.....like it just happened.
am too down to continue so i had better stop for now

Permalink Reply by catherine Minshew on April 14, 2009 at 6:42pm

In 2 days it will be 9 months since he left and it feels like it has been forever since he smiled and gave me a kiss, and at the same time the pain feels like it was yesterday. I think perhaps I have in deed lost my mind. I am grateful Easter is over, the boys loved their Easter baskets and we talked about all the “firsts” we have made it though without dad being there. They laughed and talked about “remember when dad….” I smiled and played along but wanted to burry my head in a pillow and be sick. They are so much better at the grieving and missing him then I am.

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 14, 2009 at 8:44pm

Last night, for some insane reason, I decided to download her favorite music on the computer... why.. have no idea..I cried and cried and then just screamed so loud.. luckily no one else in the house.. yeah I have lost my mind too

catherine Minshew said:

In 2 days it will be 9 months since he left and it feels like it has been forever since he smiled and gave me a kiss, and at the same time the pain feels like it was yesterday. I think perhaps I have in deed lost my mind. I am grateful Easter is over, the boys loved their Easter baskets and we talked about all the “firsts” we have made it though without dad being there. They laughed and talked about “remember when dad….” I smiled and played along but wanted to burry my head in a pillow and be sick. They are so much better at the grieving and missing him then I am.

Permalink Reply by Sharon on April 15, 2009 at 2:40pm

Thank you for putting your feelings here, I just lost my husband of 47 years..the hospital stays the long talks are now all gone and I thought I was the only one who was begging God to take me too! The emotions you talked about are all too real..some days are just numb others are spent crying or wishing I was gone..Easter was the first holiday with more coming..it is so hard..sometimes I have to take 5 minutes at a time...I miss him so much, I know you understand cause your loss is also so recent..

Permalink Reply by Pauline on April 15, 2009 at 2:57pm

Hi Sharon 47 years..wow I wish I had my husband that long but I dont regret the short 16 we had together..I come to this site for peace and calm and to air out my feelings..it is only 11 weeks for me but it still feels like yesterday or not even real at all it just feels like Ive left Graham in the hospital and just not allowed to go and see him ... even tho now I just cant stand the sight of the hospital or even the thought of having to go into one but it wasnt the hospitals fault they were my best friends and when I come to think of it the hospital staff, the drs and all specialist care we had it was our only circle of friends outside of the family..I didnt realise how alone I was caring for my husband until he left me .. and even now after 11 weeks my circle is still counsellors, drs and my family .. what am I doing? I have no life out of home I have become a recluse, I am just about to start a new job only 15 hours a week maybe that will help..but I know at the end of the day I have to face home without my soulmate..

I think I am slowly coming to grips hes not here but then I get these strange notions that I need to go to the hospital to see him. Funny my mobile rung the other day and my daughter said oh whos ringing you and straight off the top of my head I said well it wont be my husband he doesnt have his mobile on him..quirky or what? Im going to bed now feeling lonely..the cat has started sleeping on the otherside of the bed and she has become my comfort just filling that empty space on the bed.

Our cat was also the telltale that my honey was going when Graham was in hospital for the last time she slept on his side of the bed and she never slept on our bed or anyones bed so I had that feeling but I also chose to ignore it but truly enough it came true...

Sorry I seem to be going on I think I am slowly falling to pieces so I will sign off for now and get my son his breakfast.

God Bless you all

Sharon said:

Thank you for putting your feelings here, I just lost my husband of 47 years..the hospital stays the long talks are now all gone and I thought I was the only one who was begging God to take me too! The emotions you talked about are all too real..some days are just numb others are spent crying or wishing I was gone..Easter was the first holiday with more coming..it is so hard..sometimes I have to take 5 minutes at a time...I miss him so much, I know you understand cause your loss is also so recent..

Permalink Reply by Sharon on April 15, 2009 at 5:18pm

Pauline said:

Hi Sharon 47 years..wow I wish I had my husband that long but I dont regret the short 16 we had together..I come to this site for peace and calm and to air out my feelings..it is only 11 weeks for me but it still feels like yesterday or not even real at all it just feels like Ive left Graham in the hospital and just not allowed to go and see him ... even tho now I just cant stand the sight of the hospital or even the thought of having to go into one but it wasnt the hospitals fault they were my best friends and when I come to think of it the hospital staff, the drs and all specialist care we had it was our only circle of friends outside of the family..I didnt realise how alone I was caring for my husband until he left me .. and even now after 11 weeks my circle is still counsellors, drs and my family .. what am I doing? I have no life out of home I have become a recluse, I am just about to start a new job only 15 hours a week maybe that will help..but I know at the end of the day I have to face home without my soulmate..

I think I am slowly coming to grips hes not here but then I get these strange notions that I need to go to the hospital to see him. Funny my mobile rung the other day and my daughter said oh whos ringing you and straight off the top of my head I said well it wont be my husband he doesnt have his mobile on him..quirky or what? Im going to bed now feeling lonely..the cat has started sleeping on the otherside of the bed and she has become my comfort just filling that empty space on the bed.

Our cat was also the telltale that my honey was going when Graham was in hospital for the last time she slept on his side of the bed and she never slept on our bed or anyones bed so I had that feeling but I also chose to ignore it but truly enough it came true...

Sorry I seem to be going on I think I am slowly falling to pieces so I will sign off for now and get my son his breakfast.

God Bless you all

Sharon said:

Thank you for putting your feelings here, I just lost my husband of 47 years..the hospital stays the long talks are now all gone and I thought I was the only one who was begging God to take me too! The emotions you talked about are all too real..some days are just numb others are spent crying or wishing I was gone..Easter was the first holiday with more coming..it is so hard..sometimes I have to take 5 minutes at a time...I miss him so much, I know you understand cause your loss is also so recent..

Permalink Reply by Sharon on April 15, 2009 at 5:18pm

Sharon said:

Pauline said:

Hi Sharon 47 years..wow I wish I had my husband that long but I dont regret the short 16 we had together..I come to this site for peace and calm and to air out my feelings..it is only 11 weeks for me but it still feels like yesterday or not even real at all it just feels like Ive left Graham in the hospital and just not allowed to go and see him ... even tho now I just cant stand the sight of the hospital or even the thought of having to go into one but it wasnt the hospitals fault they were my best friends and when I come to think of it the hospital staff, the drs and all specialist care we had it was our only circle of friends outside of the family..I didnt realise how alone I was caring for my husband until he left me .. and even now after 11 weeks my circle is still counsellors, drs and my family .. what am I doing? I have no life out of home I have become a recluse, I am just about to start a new job only 15 hours a week maybe that will help..but I know at the end of the day I have to face home without my soulmate..

I think I am slowly coming to grips hes not here but then I get these strange notions that I need to go to the hospital to see him. Funny my mobile rung the other day and my daughter said oh whos ringing you and straight off the top of my head I said well it wont be my husband he doesnt have his mobile on him..quirky or what? Im going to bed now feeling lonely..the cat has started sleeping on the otherside of the bed and she has become my comfort just filling that empty space on the bed.

Our cat was also the telltale that my honey was going when Graham was in hospital for the last time she slept on his side of the bed and she never slept on our bed or anyones bed so I had that feeling but I also chose to ignore it but truly enough it came true...

Sorry I seem to be going on I think I am slowly falling to pieces so I will sign off for now and get my son his breakfast.

God Bless you all

Sharon said:

Thank you for putting your feelings here, I just lost my husband of 47 years..the hospital stays the long talks are now all gone and I thought I was the only one who was begging God to take me too! The emotions you talked about are all too real..some days are just numb others are spent crying or wishing I was gone..Easter was the first holiday with more coming..it is so hard..sometimes I have to take 5 minutes at a time...I miss him so much, I know you understand cause your loss is also so recent..

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