Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 18, 2009 at 12:07am

It will be 8 weeks tomorrow and it feels like it just happened yesterday. I have been crying on and off all day.. lost it at work.. which i havent done in awhile. I see her so clearly in my mind.. all day. I can see her smiling and talking and just being there. If it wasnt for the excrutiating pain and tears.. I dont even feel human anymore. I just go through the motions of what I need to do that day when all I want to do is crawl in bed and stay there. Cried myself to sleep again.. desperately missing the intimacy.. the talks... the things shared just between us. Her laugh, her jokes, her sillyness sometimes. Her eyes, her love, everything. I will be 44 next month and the reality that I will live the rest of my life without her is too much for my mind and heart to handle.

Permalink Reply by sue on April 18, 2009 at 8:51pm

Christine, I have shared these feelings and to be honest at times I still do. I was watching a movie tonight and it was something the two of them said to each other and it hurt so bad remembering. May 22, 09 will be a year. Just when you think you won't cry anymore, you do, but this overwhelming grief and pain will get less intense, I promise. Hang in there, it does start to feel better thinking of them and remembering is easier and can even be a pleasant moment. None of us knows the future but it is okay to hold on to the memories in my opinion. I know I will never forget. suep

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 19, 2009 at 10:51am

It will be five months tomorrow that my husband left me. I keep waiting for something somewhere to get easier but it does'nt. I think I miss him more and more as the days and months go by. I am lonlier then I ever was. I miss him more then I ever did. This can't get "easier". Why was he taken from me? Why was I left here to feel this pain? He was the first person that ever ever loved me for who I am, why why why? 5 months and it seems like it has been 50 years. I am so scared! I just want my husband back!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Pauline on April 19, 2009 at 10:11pm

Lisa I so feel for you my dear it is 11 weeks since my darling has gone and yes doesnt i just feel like yesterday ..
I started a new job yesterday but I think it wasnt a very good move but I need the money. I enjoyed being out of the house but last night I couldnt sleep I was awake until 2am and then when I did go to bed it wasnt any easier but I finally got to sleep and by then it was almost time to go to work so I rung in sick.
I dont know what is happening .. I have just had a little nap and I feel a little better but somehow I am feeling empty..I sat in my lounge last nite looking at my darlings photo sitting waiting.. sounds crazy I was waiting for some sign from him to say that everything was going to be alright...I have his ashes on top of the wall unit next to me and still I waited and felt angry because I miss him so much - why did God have to take him off me? I know his suffering is at an end but what about us when will it end for us?
I go to bed and hope to dream about all our good times but when I wake up I think back and realise Graham wasnt in the dream..I have this longing ache to just reach out to touch him see his smile just that one more time I know Im asking too much......I think I am slowly losing it what can I do??????????? Just a sign please my darling xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 20, 2009 at 8:22am

Pauline,
I know excetly how you feel about wanting to just even see him in a dream. I think that every night then as you said I look back in the mornings and try really really hard to put him there even though he was not. My darling Bruno was buried the only thing I have is hair clippings from where his hair had gotton so long. I often will put my fingers in them just so I can touch some part of him. But this to often causes more pain then it does help. I want more. I want to be able to touch all of him. I to wait for him to come and tell me that he is ok and that he is waiting for me and has not stopped loving me and that there is a life after this one and that we wil be together again soon. I often pray that each and every day be my last one here on this earth.
It has been 5 months today that my babycakes has left me and it is not any better today then it was the day he left me.

Pauline said:

Lisa I so feel for you my dear it is 11 weeks since my darling has gone and yes doesnt i just feel like yesterday ..
I started a new job yesterday but I think it wasnt a very good move but I need the money. I enjoyed being out of the house but last night I couldnt sleep I was awake until 2am and then when I did go to bed it wasnt any easier but I finally got to sleep and by then it was almost time to go to work so I rung in sick.
I dont know what is happening .. I have just had a little nap and I feel a little better but somehow I am feeling empty..I sat in my lounge last nite looking at my darlings photo sitting waiting.. sounds crazy I was waiting for some sign from him to say that everything was going to be alright...I have his ashes on top of the wall unit next to me and still I waited and felt angry because I miss him so much - why did God have to take him off me? I know his suffering is at an end but what about us when will it end for us?
I go to bed and hope to dream about all our good times but when I wake up I think back and realise Graham wasnt in the dream..I have this longing ache to just reach out to touch him see his smile just that one more time I know Im asking too much......I think I am slowly losing it what can I do??????????? Just a sign please my darling xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Permalink Reply by kimmer on April 20, 2009 at 10:28pm

Lisa said:

Kimmer,
I wish I could have been more help to you. Its weird as I read on here everyday how much we are all alike. I wish everyday that God if there is a God would let me die and be with the one person that ever made me happy. I wish I would have had more then 3 years with him I want forever!!!! I want off this rollercoster I think we all do. Coming here and reading what everyone else has written somehow helps I guess because you relize that there are other people out there feeling just what your feeling and that there are other people out there who love there husbands, wives or life partern as much as I love mine. I never put these things in past tense. I don't know about anyone else but I love my husband there is no "loved" in my words or feelings for him. I keep hearing that I need to get use to the fact that I am "single" now. Well maybe in mans eyes I am. But I think its a matter of the heart and soul. I am married and always will be. I get so angry when I see that there are so many I guess you would say igorant people in this world. I often tell them to walk just one mile in my shoes then you can give me advice!!
Sorry for ranting but thanks for letting me at the same time. Kimmer I only hope that you can find some comfront in listen to all of us and know that your not alone. I don't think any of us know when this will all end or even if it will. All we can do is listen.

Thank you again for letting me vent

kimmer said:

My name is Kim and I just lost my husband of 6 years on Feb 7 , only 2 months 6 days ago very suddenly to a heart dieses.Iam 25 and he was 31 we also have a 8 month old baby .I dont even know what else to write .I feel that my life is over .Where do i go from here ?Iam so confused ,shocked,scared and unable to understand what has happen and why ?

Permalink Reply by kimmer on April 20, 2009 at 10:31pm

It feels so hard .

Lisa said:

Kimmer,
I wish I could have been more help to you. Its weird as I read on here everyday how much we are all alike. I wish everyday that God if there is a God would let me die and be with the one person that ever made me happy. I wish I would have had more then 3 years with him I want forever!!!! I want off this rollercoster I think we all do. Coming here and reading what everyone else has written somehow helps I guess because you relize that there are other people out there feeling just what your feeling and that there are other people out there who love there husbands, wives or life partern as much as I love mine. I never put these things in past tense. I don't know about anyone else but I love my husband there is no "loved" in my words or feelings for him. I keep hearing that I need to get use to the fact that I am "single" now. Well maybe in mans eyes I am. But I think its a matter of the heart and soul. I am married and always will be. I get so angry when I see that there are so many I guess you would say igorant people in this world. I often tell them to walk just one mile in my shoes then you can give me advice!!
Sorry for ranting but thanks for letting me at the same time. Kimmer I only hope that you can find some comfront in listen to all of us and know that your not alone. I don't think any of us know when this will all end or even if it will. All we can do is listen.

Thank you again for letting me vent

kimmer said:

My name is Kim and I just lost my husband of 6 years on Feb 7 , only 2 months 6 days ago very suddenly to a heart dieses.Iam 25 and he was 31 we also have a 8 month old baby .I dont even know what else to write .I feel that my life is over .Where do i go from here ?Iam so confused ,shocked,scared and unable to understand what has happen and why ?

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on April 21, 2009 at 7:50pm

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything but the twenty-third month since I lost My Robert was on April 8th, 2009. On May 8th, 2009, it will be 2 years. I cannot believe how quickly time has passed.
I have felt so many of the emotions, expressed by so many of you, over the past two years and even more so in the recent past. It may be due to the second anniversary which is approaching but I’m not sure. My grief and depression stays constant but does get worse. Sometimes my emotions go from one extreme to the other and really take a toll on my psyche. Many people I know find it so difficult when I become emotional that they stop talking to me altogether, such as my siblings. I have only a couple friends but they live far from me, so, I’ve really been handling my grief alone. I also decided that I would refrain from becoming emotional around people, so that I don’t frighten them away, and keep my emotional outbursts at home. I love and miss Robert more than life itself. I love and miss my Mom as well. They were the most important persons in my life. My mind continues to try and make sense and continues to ask “Why?” I haven’t found an answer yet.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/robertwilsonkopler

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 21, 2009 at 11:34pm

Barry, today is 2 months since I lost my partner and honestly I'm surprised I still have a job! I lost it at work which I try so hard not to do. I'm a bartender in a restaurant and this couple came in which reminded me of me and annette and they were holding hands and one of the women wore her hair like annette did pulled back in a ponytail... and I couldnt stop crying. I am so sorry that you lost robert. I imagine I wont be any better when the two year date comes for me either. This pain is absolutely unbearable.

BarryWHK said:

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything but the twenty-third month since I lost My Robert was on April 8th, 2009. On May 8th, 2009, it will be 2 years. I cannot believe how quickly time has passed.
I have felt so many of the emotions, expressed by so many of you, over the past two years and even more so in the recent past. It may be due to the second anniversary which is approaching but I’m not sure. My grief and depression stays constant but does get worse. Sometimes my emotions go from one extreme to the other and really take a toll on my psyche. Many people I know find it so difficult when I become emotional that they stop talking to me altogether, such as my siblings. I have only a couple friends but they live far from me, so, I’ve really been handling my grief alone. I also decided that I would refrain from becoming emotional around people, so that I don’t frighten them away, and keep my emotional outbursts at home. I love and miss Robert more than life itself. I love and miss my Mom as well. They were the most important persons in my life. My mind continues to try and make sense and continues to ask “Why?” I haven’t found an answer yet.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/robertwilsonkopler

Permalink Reply by kimmer on April 22, 2009 at 12:56pm

Christine,it has been 2months and 2 weeks for me and i have no idea how i got here ?I am thankful I have no job or i bet i would fall apart at the site of any happy couple touching or showing there love.I hate happy people ?I wonder sometimes if i am going to be angry at the whole world forever ?I Cry to sleep ever night hopeing i will dream of his beutiful smile but it never happens and i grow more frustrated .How does this get easier ?When
Christine said:

Barry, today is 2 months since I lost my partner and honestly I'm surprised I still have a job! I lost it at work which I try so hard not to do. I'm a bartender in a restaurant and this couple came in which reminded me of me and annette and they were holding hands and one of the women wore her hair like annette did pulled back in a ponytail... and I couldnt stop crying. I am so sorry that you lost robert. I imagine I wont be any better when the two year date comes for me either. This pain is absolutely unbearable.

BarryWHK said:

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything but the twenty-third month since I lost My Robert was on April 8th, 2009. On May 8th, 2009, it will be 2 years. I cannot believe how quickly time has passed.
I have felt so many of the emotions, expressed by so many of you, over the past two years and even more so in the recent past. It may be due to the second anniversary which is approaching but I’m not sure. My grief and depression stays constant but does get worse. Sometimes my emotions go from one extreme to the other and really take a toll on my psyche. Many people I know find it so difficult when I become emotional that they stop talking to me altogether, such as my siblings. I have only a couple friends but they live far from me, so, I’ve really been handling my grief alone. I also decided that I would refrain from becoming emotional around people, so that I don’t frighten them away, and keep my emotional outbursts at home. I love and miss Robert more than life itself. I love and miss my Mom as well. They were the most important persons in my life. My mind continues to try and make sense and continues to ask “Why?” I haven’t found an answer yet.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/robertwilsonkopler

Permalink Reply by Mandy on April 22, 2009 at 4:40pm

Dear Kimmer
I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your husband in February. I lost my partner in January this year. He died of bledding in the brain. The death was sudden and quick. I am still in shock. I still cannot sleep at night and I don't eat properly. There were times I wanted to die to be with him. Now, I don't cry as much as before but I will cry when I remember any little thing he said or did for me. He was my love and my life. I went to see my GP on Monday. I am suffering from depression and I am on antidepressants now. My GP also sent me to a hospital for a blood test. I went this morning. I cried when I got to the hospital where he died three months ago. I had to leave work early because I was so upset. The memory of him dying in the hospital was too much for me. I couldn't stop crying on the train journey home. The pain was as raw as on the day he died. I feel so alone and have no future. I don't know what to do but I know I feel better after a good cry.

Permalink Reply by sue on April 22, 2009 at 4:54pm

Mandy, hang in there and be kind to yourself. This is tough but I so feel for your loss. I lost my husband to a brain anerism and the quick sudden unexpected loss is at times just unbelivable. It has been almost a year but it doesn't seem that long. I am happy you are getting help. I too got help realizing I just couldn't do this without it. Take care. suep

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