Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 2, 2009 at 8:57pm

Thank you Pauline. I too wish we all lived closer so we could get together, go out to lunch or something and really get to talk and just cry if we want. All of you are always in my thoughts.

Pauline said:

Barry, Christine,Catherine, Sue, Lisa and Annalise

Today I feel sad I wish that it was times like this that we were just in the same town so we can just give each other that hug that we all need and to just hug and cry...is that asking too much?

As our days turn into weeks and then months it doesnt get any easier this page has given me some sanity and I feel pain everytime I read someones reply..I always cry because everything that is written is what I am feeling , what I am doing, what I should have done and the what ifs........

Please feel my hug coming through to each and one of yous as each endless meaningless painfully lonely day passes us by...

Pauline

BarryWHK said:

Christine – thanks for your kind words about my Mom’s and brother’s website. I can’t make a decision to leave Our home right now because I planned to die while we lived in Our house.

Lisa and Sue – thank you. Robert’s sister didn’t live with and take care of Him. She or their parents weren’t with Robert at doctor visits, hospitals stays, tests and finding out something else was wrong or on and on. They don’t know all of the anguish I’ve seen Him endure for so many years. They would never understand.

Catherine, I am so glad you said what you did to your daughter and son-in-law. It’s so easy for them to go their separate ways because they could get back together some day or meet other people. When you lose the one person who means the world to you, forever, it changes the whole meaning of going separate ways. My sister and her husband had a home and two kids, a boy and girl – they divorced because it was easy.

Pauline, I’m sorry for your loss. I guess we are all facing the good intentions of people who don’t really understand.

Sometimes I wish that I could be as cold and callous as the people who appear that way, but, at the same time I wouldn’t trade what we had. I miss Robert more than life itself.

Barry

Permalink Reply by catherine Minshew on May 2, 2009 at 9:11pm

Thank you Pauline, I too wish we were all closer. Right now this place that we have all come to express how we feel without fear of being judged is about the only thing that keeps me going. Sometimes I read what has been written and cry, then leave without writting anything because one of you has taken the words from my mouth or expressed what I have been trying to say without knowing how to. It's sad, that we all feel the same things and when I read the words here no matter who has written them, it's like reading what's in my heart. I am grateful for all of you, yet I am so sorry that we all share this common bond of misery.

Permalink Reply by sue on May 3, 2009 at 8:31am

I have become so fond of all of you. It is true that sharing our great loss makes us kindred spirits and I pray for each of you and encourage you to be really kind to yourself.
I saw one of my sister in laws a couple days ago. We have always been great friends and she too is struggling with the anniversary coming up of Tom's crossing over. She worked with him at times and they were very close. I feel she was one that really knew him. It helps to just say, "it still hurts' and not be judged or have people think you are "not moving on". I am moving on, what choice do I have, but in my way and that will always include Tom.
Christine, what you said about "I am tired of this game, come out", I know that feeling, it just seems impossible at times. He is always with me but I just want to hear that van roar into the drive and see that beautiful smile through the big window as he is coming up the sidewalk. If I was home I always met him at the door and sometimes with a swooping arm thing like he had been gone for years or something. It was so easy to laugh together about nothing. We were just so tuned in and we understood each others humor and personality.

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 3, 2009 at 10:32am

Pauline,
I know what you mean. I wish that there were more people around me that understood what all this was like. I went to my babies grave yesterday and lost it I was crying uncontrolably I was not sure how I was going to drive myself and my children to my parnets house. It is at those times that I wish that I had someone there that could hug me and not say a word cause they know that words don't help. Someone who understands the pain I am in but also knows what not to say and when not to say it.
I to have gotton alot of sanity from coming here and talking to you all it somehow helps knowing that I am not the only one (Does that sound selfish?) I hate that we are all here but am glad that I found you all at the same time. I am not sure that even makes since.
God be with you all.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers

Pauline said:

Barry, Christine,Catherine, Sue, Lisa and Annalise

Today I feel sad I wish that it was times like this that we were just in the same town so we can just give each other that hug that we all need and to just hug and cry...is that asking too much?

As our days turn into weeks and then months it doesnt get any easier this page has given me some sanity and I feel pain everytime I read someones reply..I always cry because everything that is written is what I am feeling , what I am doing, what I should have done and the what ifs........

Please feel my hug coming through to each and one of yous as each endless meaningless painfully lonely day passes us by...

Pauline

BarryWHK said:

Christine – thanks for your kind words about my Mom’s and brother’s website. I can’t make a decision to leave Our home right now because I planned to die while we lived in Our house.

Lisa and Sue – thank you. Robert’s sister didn’t live with and take care of Him. She or their parents weren’t with Robert at doctor visits, hospitals stays, tests and finding out something else was wrong or on and on. They don’t know all of the anguish I’ve seen Him endure for so many years. They would never understand.

Catherine, I am so glad you said what you did to your daughter and son-in-law. It’s so easy for them to go their separate ways because they could get back together some day or meet other people. When you lose the one person who means the world to you, forever, it changes the whole meaning of going separate ways. My sister and her husband had a home and two kids, a boy and girl – they divorced because it was easy.

Pauline, I’m sorry for your loss. I guess we are all facing the good intentions of people who don’t really understand.

Sometimes I wish that I could be as cold and callous as the people who appear that way, but, at the same time I wouldn’t trade what we had. I miss Robert more than life itself.

Barry

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on May 4, 2009 at 3:55am

u are not rambling, dearest.
u are expressing your innermost feelings to peope who can understand you perfectly.
i too find it difficult going to mark's study..with all his stuff there.
we had just refurbished the flat before he fell ill and sadly he never saw it done up. i used to get the decorators during his first weeks in hospital hoping that he would soon be out...alas..it never happened and it breaks my heart cos he so wanted to see it done up. i used to take photos on my mobile to show him the progress..sorry but am crying again..
i cannot part with his clothes and all i do is cry into them and kiss them all the time..his shirts, his suits...his favourite jackets.
i am a total mess when i stay at our flat and cannot get myself to live there.
it is too dismal and quiet and my heart aches far too much.
i think that if most of us here had to die of a broken heart
we would have joined our loved ones straight away...but i do not think it is that easy...to die of a broken heart i mean...:(
i am presently staying with my parents...well with my mother cos dad is still in hospital and i am trying to give mum some so called 'support'.
yeah right !!!
have to stop...can't see for tears..

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 4, 2009 at 8:35am

Dearest Barry,
You have the right to ramble my dear. You spent 22 years with the man of your dreams to just have him taken away stinks. I only go t 3 years with my baby and he was ripped from me and I know that I hurt everyday even 5 months later. I'm not sure what I would do if we had been together as long as you and Robert were. So if it makes you feel better then you ramble we will all listen and do our level best to understand and show you support in this painful time in all our lives.

Annalise,
I to can not bring myself to get rid of anything of my husbands I still have the last pair of pj bottoms he wore to the hospitable the night before he died. I wrap up in his robe all the time. I still even have his socks and underwear I can't bear to get rid of anything anything at all that is his it is just to painful. Everyone keeps telling me to give it time and I will feel different but I don't think I ever will. He is my husband, lover,protecter, best friend, My Soulmate. So don't feel bad dear and don't let people tell you that you are crazy and that you need to "Move On" I say leave us all alone you "Normal People" let us do what we need to do to make it day to day.

Permalink Reply by sue on May 4, 2009 at 9:11am

Lisa, I smiled when I read "leave us alone normal people? I too feel that everyone else has a normal life and mine is a picture torn right down the middle. There is nothing normal about this experience.
I gave away many of Tom's work clothes to a nephew who really needed them. He had come north after working down south and needed warm clothing to work outside. He didn't ask. It actually blessed me to think that this special man would be enjoying these things and that it blessed his life. I sold my husband's beautiful black truck to him and just filled up the back bumper seat when he came to get it with the clothes. He was so happy and thankful. He is one of my favorite nephews and paid me full price for the truck and knowing him he will care for it just like Tom did. He even gave me an extra $50. because I held it for him.
He couldn't believe he was getting this one owner ,like new truck. Tom had a work van and other vehicles so this was his baby. It helped to pay my lawyers and I didn't enjoy driving it because I am too little and I love my own Jeep. When I think about it I feel happy because my nephew looked so happy as he went out of the drive. It helped. Suep

Permalink Reply by brenda thibault on May 4, 2009 at 7:03pm

My husband was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and now they say there is another spot. I can't stop crying. I try so hard to be strong for him. Help please

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 4, 2009 at 7:18pm

annalise, I cry into annettes clothes too. I havent been able to move one single item. My prayers to you, your mother and your father.

Lisa, When you said, my husband, protector, lover, best friend and soul mate. That got me. I was just telling a friend at work today how so much of your life is changed. I dont even feel human anymore. Memories and visions 24 hours a day.. all the time. Just remembering making love to that wonderful beautiful person.. ( God, what we all wouldnt give for one more time). Sorry to put it in writing but its true for all of us. So much gone. It's beyond words the pain we feel. And there is no "end", there is no solution to the problem. So many things in life have a goal.. a resolution.. this one continues every day with no end in sight.

annalise samuel lapira said:

u are not rambling, dearest.
u are expressing your innermost feelings to peope who can understand you perfectly.
i too find it difficult going to mark's study..with all his stuff there.
we had just refurbished the flat before he fell ill and sadly he never saw it done up. i used to get the decorators during his first weeks in hospital hoping that he would soon be out...alas..it never happened and it breaks my heart cos he so wanted to see it done up. i used to take photos on my mobile to show him the progress..sorry but am crying again..
i cannot part with his clothes and all i do is cry into them and kiss them all the time..his shirts, his suits...his favourite jackets.
i am a total mess when i stay at our flat and cannot get myself to live there.
it is too dismal and quiet and my heart aches far too much.
i think that if most of us here had to die of a broken heart
we would have joined our loved ones straight away...but i do not think it is that easy...to die of a broken heart i mean...:(
i am presently staying with my parents...well with my mother cos dad is still in hospital and i am trying to give mum some so called 'support'.
yeah right !!!
have to stop...can't see for tears..

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on May 5, 2009 at 2:57am

christine,
i thank you for your prayers....i feel so betrayed at times.
i used to pray so much during those 9 months for my precious to get better but God wanted him to Himself i suppose...oh, just dont know at times what to think.
yes..in a flash my life has changed too...do not even have a life any more.
i am just vegetating...hoping that i could be near him right NOW.
ok mark spent 9 months in hospital and it was no life either but somehow i kept hoping that we would get back to some semblance of normality...even if it meant me nursing him for the rest of our lives...i was ready to deal with that.
but DEATH ...no...that was something i was never ready for...well i guess no one ever is ...It is something i cannot come to terms with..EVERYTHING has changed for me.
i used to love shopping for the house and buying clothes for mark and myself..we used to go abroad..with no kids it was not a problem..we could choose to fly at any time of the year..work permitting....
and now ..it is all over and i am so bitter about it.
i guess i should be grateful for the 12 good years we spent together but i am obviously only looking at the suffering i am enduring now.
it is too sharp...the pain leaves me breathless !!!
i wish i could say something to help you all but i am so messed up.
i miss u my precious so so so much !!

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 5, 2009 at 8:54am

Brenda,
I wish that I had some words of encouragement for you. I understand the feeling of hopelessness. I lost my husband to lung cancer on Novemeber 20, 2008 just 20 days after we found out about it. He fought like a warrior for those 20 days. All I can tell you is that if your husband is going to do chemo theraphy then make sure he is kept protected against the elements outside the hospitable. Make people wear mask around him make sure they use hand saintitizer. Ask the doctors to do a P.E.T scan my husband did'nt get one of these we had no insurance so his life ment nothing to anyone but me. The doctors just kept telling me different stories each time we saw them they never once gave us the full story. So my sweet baby just 49 years old was taken from me.
You are in my prayers I hope things turn out better for you. There is hope as long as you have insurance. Look into cancer treatment centers of America I hear they are great as long as you have the means to pay.
All my thoughts and prayers to you my dear. We are all here if you need to talk.

Lisa

brenda thibault said:

My husband was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and now they say there is another spot. I can't stop crying. I try so hard to be strong for him. Help please

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 5, 2009 at 9:45am

annalise, I know exactly how you feel. I have so much anger sometimes I dont know what to do with it. She was in and out of the hospitals for years.. with good and bad times in between. I would have gladly taken care of her forever.. no problem.. but like you said.. it was no life for them.. but still.. why couldnt it have been different.. why why why!!! ( yes, i'm screaming). So many questions.. no answers.. why them.. why us.. how do we do this? I cant take it anymore. The pain is absolutely completely unbearable.
I had to downgrade my cable tv and internet cause I cant afford it anymore, which is fine.. but.. I got the bill today and they changed the billing name from her to me.. and I was upset about it!! She is gone and never coming back.. and I doubt she is going to pay this bill anytime soon, but.. I was mad! Yeah, I have officially lost it.

annalise samuel lapira said:

christine,
i thank you for your prayers....i feel so betrayed at times.
i used to pray so much during those 9 months for my precious to get better but God wanted him to Himself i suppose...oh, just dont know at times what to think.
yes..in a flash my life has changed too...do not even have a life any more.
i am just vegetating...hoping that i could be near him right NOW.
ok mark spent 9 months in hospital and it was no life either but somehow i kept hoping that we would get back to some semblance of normality...even if it meant me nursing him for the rest of our lives...i was ready to deal with that.
but DEATH ...no...that was something i was never ready for...well i guess no one ever is ...It is something i cannot come to terms with..EVERYTHING has changed for me.
i used to love shopping for the house and buying clothes for mark and myself..we used to go abroad..with no kids it was not a problem..we could choose to fly at any time of the year..work permitting....
and now ..it is all over and i am so bitter about it.
i guess i should be grateful for the 12 good years we spent together but i am obviously only looking at the suffering i am enduring now.
it is too sharp...the pain leaves me breathless !!!
i wish i could say something to help you all but i am so messed up.
i miss u my precious so so so much !!

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