Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by tiffany wheatley on March 13, 2009 at 11:20pm

My heart just simply goes out to you. I understand what you are saying when you say "I'm just having a hard time right now." For you an dmyself as well, grieving the death of our children is still a very new process, so no one will ever have the answers that fix you, and no one lives in the memories of your heart to know why they are so precious to you. I call my son's death robbery because of going through a winning battle of finding the right set of services to accompany our lifestyle, just when it looked as if we would soon be out of the woods, a tragic accident from soome tragically wicked people removed all the possibility of us sharing the happiness,(and the sorrows) of moving forward with our lives. I saw an article headed on the legacy connect dashboard. I did not read the article because the header spoke volumes. I don't know the exact title, but it was something to the effect of the loss of our assumptive world. The things we assume. I just want to pray the protection of God's angels upon you as you journey through this very difficult process. And if you are not ready for support groups, than just keep coming here. Let yourself receive these simple words of healing. Yoou will know when you are ready to move forward. It is obvious that you are really just beginning to acknowledge that you are going to have to grieve. That can last for awhile, because then you have to figure out how. What is your grief strategy. Have you made one of these websites, a scrapbook, do you have any old voice or video recordings that you can turn into a montague? Just some suggestions. All in love and peace of course. I made a website for my son, You are welcome to view it, maybe it'll give you an idea to honour your son's life.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/elijahbah/Homepage.aspx
Sometimes I just go to the site and let the background music play for hours and watch his slides and video. My heart really goes out to you because I am in very much of the place, just probably in a better space today. But isn't that what support is all about? I pray that yoiu don't let the enemy lock you in your grief. And I pray that a smile or a thought of happier times will you to a better space. God Bless You Ms. Twila.-----Tiffany

Permalink Reply by LegacyConnect on March 16, 2009 at 10:33am

Tiffany, the article you mention is "Loss of Our Assumptive World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. Here's a link: http://www.connect.legacy.com/inspire/page/show?id=1984035%3APage%3.... Elizabeth knows something about grief having lost her husband when they were young. In this article she talks about the shock of her mother dying before her father (her father was much older and everyone expected he would go first).

Permalink Reply by adrian on March 13, 2009 at 4:55pm

sorry about your lost but look to the hills from which your health cometh from only God know why and the best so your son is in a better place I know that you have heard those words a thousand time but that's the truth I don't know exactly how you feel because I still have my 2 son but I just wanna you to know that some one cares about you and your lost but never question God or ask him why because he puts the period where we put the question mark to let us know he have the answer to all our question

Permalink Reply by Twila on March 15, 2009 at 11:53am

Well I want to thank you for your words so much and believe me this helps me alot I have so much to deal with not only returning to work but many other demands..And issues at work seem they were just put on hold and I am right back doing what I did before my son died..Almost like nothing has happened and that gets to me. When I am different and I will never be the same person I was before losing my son never.. I know people dont want to talk about it because they think it will upset me but it dont really I already feel that way and nothing can upset me more. I have so much energy and I get tired so easy and just want to go home. But my bills are still there life is still going even tho you are hurting so much my son came to my office all the time and just sat and visit with me at work also. I guess I don't know I just dont know. I was happy my granddaughter came and spent the night with me. My son's daughter I dont get to see her very much but if I could keep her I would. She looks so much like her dad,Im scared to get close to her because her mother is trying to move now and that is going to be hard also..My son did not total leave me he left a part of him but Im selfish I wanted to see him being a father and be here. I never thought in my life I would lose my child never...and here I am without him. I think I cried so much yesterday I cant any more. its almost like I'm looking for something anything to just hold on to here in the my world and not just my memories something physical of him..It is getting nice out and graduation is coming and the Senior class asked if they can put a chair with his cap and gown on it. That would be hard really hard and that brakes my heart even more. What do I do I thought how nice of them to ask me but can I do it because he was suppose to be here..I was honored that they asked but my heart cant seem to do it I have until March 31 to decide. The seniors put pictures up from when they were babies to now and they want them also. I dont know tho my son was going to graduate from High School 2009 its so hard.

Permalink Reply by kristi on March 15, 2009 at 5:10pm

HI,I HAD A SON DIE FROM A GUN SHOT WOUND HE WAS ONLY 16 ON OCT 7TH,2006.THIS WEEKEND COMING UP I WILL BE GOING TO THE TWIN CITIES FOR MY DADS 70TH BIRTHDAY PARTY,IT IS HARD FOR ME THAT I AM GOING DOWN THERE WITH OUT MY SON,I CALLED MY MOM UP WENDSDAY AND JUST STARTED TO CRY,I SAID THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I WILL BE GOING DOWN THERE WITHOUT MY SON,AND MY MOM SAID THAT IS THE BEST THING IS TO BE COMING DOWN THERE AND BEING WITH FAMILY,AND SHE SAID SHE KNOWS HOW I AM FEELING.IT WAS HER GRANDSON NOT HER SON SHE HAS NEVER LOST A SON YET.BUT GRANDSONS ARE HARD TO.OK I AM GOING TO TRY AND KEEP MY HEAD UP AND THINK THAT MY SON WILL BE THERE WITH US CELEBRATING.MY DAD JUST FINALLY OPENED UP I WAS SO HAPPY HE DID.BUT ANYWAYS TWAILA,MY SON WAS SUPPOSE TO BE A SENIOR THIS YEAR TO AND MY SONS CLASS WANTED TO DO A MEMORIAL PAGE FOR MY SON SO I LET THEM,I HAD TO FIND PICTURES IT WAS SO HARD FOR ME TO LET THEM PICTURES GO,BUT THEY GAVE THEM BACK TO ME A WEEKLATER,IT WAS HARD I CRIED WHEN I WAS DOING THIS BECAUSE I HAVE A TOTE WITH THE CARDS FROM HIS FUNERAL,THE GUEST BOOK,AND PICTURES OF MY SON I STARTED LOOKING AT THE GUEST BOOK COUNTING AND LOOKING AT THE NAMES I CRIED SO HARD THAT DAY BECAUSE I WAS HERE ALONE,WHEN YOU OR IF YOU DO THIS MAKE SURE YOU HAVE SOMEONE THERE WITH YOU TO LEAN ON OK DONT DO IT ALONE,SO I DID THAT THAN I HAD TO WRITE SOMETHING DOWN ABOUT MY SON WERE HE WAS BORN AND WHAT SCHOOLS HE WENT TO WHEN HE DIED,THE HARDEST PART WAS THAT GUEST BOOK.BUT IN THE TOWN I LIVE IN THEY DO THE CHAIR THEY DONT ASK THE PARENTS,I AM GOING TO BE THERE FOR THE KIDS BECAUSE THE KIDS WANT ME THERE,THEY HAVE BEEN THERE FOR US ANYTIME,THEY PLANTED A TREE FOR MY SON,THEY DID A MEMORIAL DINNER FOR US AND WE GOT THE MONEY.THERE IS ANOTHER THING OUT THERE THRIVENT LUTHERAN THEY MATCH THAT,WE GOT SO MUCH SUPPORT FROM THE COMMUNITY WE EVEN GOT SUPPORT FROM PEOPLE WE DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHEN ARE SON DIED.THEY WERE CALLING THE TV TO SEE IF WE HAD A FUND FOR OUR SON SO I WENT TO THE BANK AND OPENED ONE I DIDNT KNOW THAT YOU COULD BUT I GUESS WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS LIKE THIS PEOPLE PULL TOGETHER.AND I FELT SO BAD FOR MY SONS FRIENDS FAMILY HE DIED AND THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR HIM,HE GOT STABBED AND THEY THINK IT WAS GANG RELATED THATS WHY.BUT NOW THE KIDS DAD DIED LAST WEEK AND I STILL FEEL FOR THE FAMILY ESPECIALLY HIS WIFE THAT HE LEFT BEHIND.WHAT I AM SAYING IS MY SON WOULD OF BEEN IN THE CLASS OF 2009 AND I AM GOING TO BE PROUD TO SIT THERE AND WATCH THEM KIDS WALK UP THERE BECAUSE I GOT THEM BUTTONS TO WEAR AND MY SONS PICTURE IS ON THERE AND IT SAYS IN MEMORY OF EVERETTE.THEY SAID THEY WILL BE PROUD TO WEAR THEM.I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING FOR THEM.AND THEY GRADUATE MAY 31ST.AND THAN I TOOK OFF FOR A WHOLE WEEK BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I WILL BE REALLY SAD THAT WEEKEND.BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD SAY WE WILL DO THIS TOGETHER RIGHT?WE WILL HAVE SUPPORT ON HERE.MY SUPPORT GROUP WILL BE THERE TO HELP ME OUT AND I THINK MY FAMILY IS COMING TO HELP ME OUT TO.BUT TAKE CARE AND I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM GOING TO GO THROU THE SAME THING.BUT PLEASE REMEMBER TO HAVE SOMEONE THERE IF YOU DECIDE TO DO THIS.HAVE SOMEONE TO LEAN ON.BUT I THINK IT IS BEST FOR THE KIDS AND YOU IF YOU DO THIS.I KEPT THINKING MY SON WOULD OF WANTED ME TO DO THIS FOR HIS MEMORY,I WILL BE PUTTING FLOWERES AND A BALLOON AND SOMETHING IN THE PAPER FOR THE GRADUATES AND THE FLOWERS AND BALLOONS WILL BE AT THE CEMETARY TO HONOR THAT DAY.BUT KEEP YOUR HEAD UP HIGH OK.CAN I ASK AGAIN WHEN DID YOUR SON PASS AND HOW OLD HE WAS I FORGOT.I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS FOR 2 AND A HALF YEARS PEOPLE SAY GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND I SAY THAT IS CRAZY SAYING YOU GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE BUT SOMETIMES YOU JUST LET IT OUT RIGHT?THANKS FOR LISTENING

Permalink Reply by Linda on March 16, 2009 at 9:20pm

I lost my 16 year old daughter to a car wreck 2 and half years ago. Part of me died that day also. I'm trying to find that new person inside as I will never be the same. I have a hard time going anywhere also, always thinking she should have been there. I saw a movie once where a guy was grieving for his son, another man said "why do you think your life was supposed to be different than it is". I guess when you get to the point where you can understand that, is when you accept it. I haven't accepted the loss yet because I don't want to. By not accepting it, there is still a chance she'll come back - even though I know that could never happen. I put flowers on her grave every weekend. Birthdays, holidays, etc. are all bad. My husband and younger daughter took a trip this week to get away from the nightmare. I don't want to be the nightmare anymore. Pray, praying helps. Pray that your son is waiting for you, and every day you get through is one day closer until you'll see him again.

Permalink Reply by kristi on March 16, 2009 at 9:47pm

i hope so,my trip this weekend will be my first,so when did your daughter die.my son died oct 7th.2006 and his friend shot him.and i waited by the phone for like 3 days to see if he would call or if one of his friends would call and tell me that my son would be home it didnt work.yes i know it will be hard for me and i go to support group tomorrow and i will talk about it,it might help me a little to deal with it.the first things are always hard.yeah i would go to the cemetary and sit there because the snow was so high you couldnt even see his headstone.but i am going to go out there before i go to the cities tell him i will be back.thanks and i will let everyone know how my trip went after i come back.and thanks.i started to go to church again and i do pray now.i didnt before because i blamed god for taking my son.but it wasnt god that put the gun in my sons hand everyone said it was the devil and i believe that.well thanks and keep in touch.you found someone that knows how you feel ok.thanks

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on March 18, 2009 at 2:56am

Hi kristie,April 9th is very close again. Still Kristie I have not even dreamed about Kris since his death. I am thinking maybe if I see him in a dream this will give me some comfort. But every time I have a dream about Kris something always happens or someone wakes me up,or the telephone ring. than again I says maybe God is not ready for me to see him yet. Hope things are OK with you kristie. I thought one time that I was taking sick again. But God took that old feeling away from me. Than I ask god to wash me and cleanse me so that he can use my body again in church. I pray for him to give me my voice back so that I may sing solo like I use to.I do have the faith that he will do this for me again. Well Kristie pray with me for strength in April. Hope you enjoy your trip and let me know how you made ....Elaine

Permalink Reply by kristi on March 18, 2009 at 3:10pm

HI ELAINE,YES I HAVE BEEN GETTING NERVOUS TO GO DOWN THERE MY MOODS HAVE CHANGED I HAVENT BEEN SLEEPING MY EYES FEEL LIKE THERE HEAVY MY HANDS BEEN SWELLING UP,I HOPE SO TO.YES I HOPE YOU DO GOOD APRIL 9TH I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU.AS MAY COMES I WILL BE WORSE THAN THIS WEEKEND.I WAS IN TEARS A LITTLE BIT AGO,THE NATIONAL GUARDS THE NAVY AND EVERYONE KEEP SENDING MY SON STUFF TO JOIN THEM AND HE CANT I SAID I CALLED THEM UP TODAY AND SAID TAKE HIM OFF YOUR MAILING LIST PLEASE.I HAVE BEEN GOOD BUT THE TRIP WILL BE HARD I WILL GO OUT TO THE CEMETARY TOMORROW AND SEE HIM BEFORE I GO AND HAVE MY CRYING ATTACK BEFORE THAN.THANK YOU ELAINE AND KEEP IN TOUCH PLEASE

Permalink Reply by Jacquelyn Raney on March 18, 2009 at 6:35pm

Elaine I didn't get a chance to tell my son good bye and it was almost a year or maybe a little after the first year I lost him that I dreamed about him. I dreamed that I was outside of a big building and it seem like it had a lot of people inside. When I got to the door a person came out and pulled the door behind them so I couldn't get in. I told them I wanted to see my son and if I couldn't get in for them to send him out. My son came to the door and stood inside the door entrance and he had that big silly grin on his face and he told me that I could not come in there now but that he loved me and he kissed me on my cheeck. When I woke up It was a bitter sweet dream. I was glad I got a chance to see him one more time and his kiss on the cheeck felt so real. I don't have any regretes where Joe or any of my children are concerned because they know we (my husband and I) love them in aplace where there is no words to describe the depth of our love and commitment to them. When the time is right you will see you baby again in your dreams, and I hope it gives you comfort.

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on March 18, 2009 at 2:30am

Hi Linda,I lost my son kris to a fatal car accident. On April 9,2006 and I still feel the heartache and pain. Trust me Linda I do Pray and read the Bible,but the pain is still there. I was told by many that after three years,it should be easy or over. One person even told me to give the new grieving mothers a chance to grieve. It really took a lot from me. She quoted many parts of the bible to me. She also stated that she has two sons and she could imagine how I feel. This is one feeling that you can't even imagine how it feel if you have not gone through it. I am not the type of person that can tell you where to seek or find quotes from the bible,but I do know the bible. I do know that when I pray the Lords Prayer one part of it say let thy will be done. The bible also says the Lord giveth and he taketh away.But for her to tell me to move on took so much from me. She could never know the feeling unless it happened to her. My oldest son invited me to come out there for a week or two with him in Atlanta,Ga. in April. I would hate to leave my daughter alone. Lyntrelle and Kris was so close. I would hate for her to be alone during the month of April. I have three close family members that died in April. My Father April 4,my Mother April 9 and Kris April the 9th with Kris and my Mom death time 1 minute apart. My Mom 02:41 AM and Kris 02:42 AM. Than My Dad was burried on April 9th. So this not a great month fo me. So Linda I say to you s all you just to take it one day at a time,and trust and believe that God will always be there for you. But you have to believe and trust in God and have the faith that God will work things out for you. I have no doubt that God is a true and living God. God will supply your every need. He may not come when you want him,but he is always on time. Just trust him and have that faith. Like Kristie said,just like my son and Kristie son,now your daughter will be up there waiting for us. So lets pray for each other for strength.

Permalink Reply by walt shield on March 18, 2009 at 12:01pm

To Deanna and Wayne: Life and love are one and the same.Love never dies.
John is at total peace. You possess the Peace of God , who is all forgiving Love.
Be assured you are both , as well as John,s children and siblings are in our thoughts and prayers . Love, walt shields

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