The loss of a child

Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

• When a Baby Dies

• When an Infant Dies

• When a Teenager Dies

• Youth Suicide: How You Can Help the Survivors

• What Helps When We’re Experiencing the Unthinkable

• Loss of Our Assumptive World

• The Grief of Grandparents

• Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

• After a Tragedy: What Kids Can Do

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kristi on May 17, 2009 at 11:19pm

hi,i lost my son at age 16 2 1/2 years ago and what i felt i felt numb so i went to a support group and they have been helping me cope with the things i have deal with especially this month.my friend just lost her grandson at a 1 1/2 and my heart felt the same as when i lost my son.the best thing i told her to do is support group,and they say to talk about him or her like they were still here,it helps me to talk about him,and my friend said i am the best friend any one could have because i know what she is going throu.so please do that talk about them dont hide them in the closet i found out that hiding them in the closet doesnt get no were.thanks for listening

Joanne Rumsey said:

Hi, my name is Joanne. I lost my baby granddaughter 3 weeks ago today. My son called me from the hospital on that day and said "Mom, I got some real bad news for you. Jenna died last night." She was going to be 8 weeks old in just a couple days. The autopsy has not fully come back, but we think it may be SIDS. Jenna was born very healthy. The grieving I am experiencing is like nothing I have ever experienced before. She was the sunshine in my family's life. We saw her just about every day. She was thriving beautifully. The doctor had said at her physical that she was perfect. The hardest of all is watching my son and daughter-in-law trying to go on without her. They were the best parents to my baby Jenna. Does anyone have advice to help me and my family cope with this great loss?

Permalink Reply by kristi on May 17, 2009 at 11:24pm

hi,this month is hard for me as my son died in 2006 from his friend shooting him,my mothers day was alright not the best but working that day helped.for the end of the month i will have a hard time in 2 weeks all his friends will be walking down to graduate and my son was suppose to be in the class of 2009.so i got buttons for the kids and they all said they would wear them down when they graduate so that they can rememeber him as if he was there.one girl in the class said i wish everette was going to be there with us,my reply was that he will be there in spirit to help all of you out.but i pray i make it throu.do any of you think i shouldnt go to graduation?my friend asked am i really going and i said yes for the kids and she said i think it is going to be to hard for you.i told her i will be alright other wise i will just walk out.well thanks for listening kristi

Permalink Reply by tiffany wheatley on May 18, 2009 at 11:02am

Hi Kristi,
Well I think you should certainly make up your mind, and gather your heart before you go, because even though you are grieving, a graduation is a huge rite of passage for all of those other children that are involved in that process. It sounds like you have been receiving an outpour of support from your son's classmates and his school. However, it also seems like it would be very disruptive and discouraging, if all those children saw you walk out in the middle of ceremonies. This past week, I had to get over my son Elijah's birthday. It felt worse than the funeral, because I am beyond kidding myself about him coming back, or this not being real. It's like being detained against your will. What do you mean I will NEVER see him again? How unfair. It is doubly unfair when there is an injustice at play. But what can any of us really do? For real? All of those negative responses, they're just going to tear your life apart even worse than what it already is. So, I ask myself, what options do I have left? It seems like you are asking yourself the same question. I can continue, you can continue to celebrate, we can continue to celebrate our children's life. I did not do too well with this birthday that just passed. I was pissy and angry, and loquacious and down. There were just sooo many emotions going on, that I did not know what to do what them. Ultimately, on Elijah's birthday the best that I was able to do was just get out of my house, and into some fresh air. I spent the day doing a lot of nothing. But it was everything, because I knew what day it was, and I knew what I was feeling. But, it was a lot like the afternoon he passed. I looked up into the sky, and the sun was still shining, maybe it was only just now that I realized how nice of a day it was on my son's birthday. Because the day he passed it was unseasonably warm, 80 degrees in the shade on nov.1. You have to be strong, and realize, the entire world is not grieving, even on the day winston churchhill died there is someone somewhere, that did not even know his name. If the school and the kids love you enough to have grieved along with you throughout this process that you have to go through, love them in return. I would ask if maybe they could call his name posthumously, and allow you receive his diploma on his behalf. Not for you to go and have a breakdown, but, for you to receive the love of having your son recognized with his classmates. And if all else fails, then maybe you might want to try going to the mall, and having a personal outing, just to be alone with yourself and your thoughts for your son. The Lords says he thinks good thoughts toward us. I pray that you receive good thoughts on this day, whatever you decide. God bless you Ms. Kristi.

kristi said:

hi,this month is hard for me as my son died in 2006 from his friend shooting him,my mothers day was alright not the best but working that day helped.for the end of the month i will have a hard time in 2 weeks all his friends will be walking down to graduate and my son was suppose to be in the class of 2009.so i got buttons for the kids and they all said they would wear them down when they graduate so that they can rememeber him as if he was there.one girl in the class said i wish everette was going to be there with us,my reply was that he will be there in spirit to help all of you out.but i pray i make it throu.do any of you think i shouldnt go to graduation?my friend asked am i really going and i said yes for the kids and she said i think it is going to be to hard for you.i told her i will be alright other wise i will just walk out.well thanks for listening kristi

Permalink Reply by Twila on May 18, 2009 at 12:03pm

I know and I can imagine how you feel and know this our hearts will forever hurt because of the space our sons left. My son was hit by a truck walking home on 12/12/2008 and he was 18 and he was my best friend and I know how you feel. The calls and texts what are you cooking mom and I love you..He was my only son and I have 3 daughters.but he was my only son..and i sure do miss him..I know how you feel I still feel like he is going to show up and its going on 5 months but I cry all the time I just control it better..I do feel for you and Im here to listen.. I could not get out of bed I just wanted to lay there but I did find out that is good to close the door and have that time alone with me..So when I feel like that I do it so take gentle care of you and when you feel like not dealing with anyone do it your not going to hurt their feelings because I always thought that I was being mean but people understand and it is a process. I know I will never stop hurting Never because every minute of the day my son is on my mind and never do I not think of him..I miss him so but I think of how he would want me to be and that helps me to get through the day because there are times I want to be with him the pain is hard to bare but I think of what he would be saying to me. And you are right no one griefs the same but we can understand the pain as parents and the love for our children and understand one another..And time does not heal because I hurt like I lost him today..I met a wome who lost her son 6 years now and she still cries every night and day like it was yesterday and she told me that so I know for me it will never stop my pain will never go away because he is my "honeybuns"..Take gentle care of you and remember I am here to listen and I care even if we never met I do care because we share the same loss....our children..
Twila

Heather said:

I KNOW HOW U FEEL I LOST MY ONLY SON ON 2/12/09 HE WAS 21 & I'M 41 & CAN'T IMAGINE LIVING MY LIFE WITHOUT HIM...I LOST HIM IN A TRAGIC CAR ACCIDENT..HE WAS 21 & WE UNLIKE MOST KIDS & PARENTS WERE VERY CLOSE...I FEEL LIKE I NOT ONLY LOST MY ONLY SON BUT I LOST MY FRIEND... I STILL CAN NOT BELIEVE HE WILL NOT CALL ME OR POP IN MY HOME & SAY HEY MOMMA U GOT ANY FOOD...I WILL ALWAYS CHARISH THE TEXT MASSAGES I GOT FROM HIM AT NIGHT TELLING ME GOOD NIGHT I LUV U MOMMA & THIS IS AT 21...I KNOW HARD 2 BELIEVE RIGHT... I KNOW HOW BLESSED I WAS AND THIS IS WHY I'M HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME...I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO AIR...LIKE I'M SINKING IN QUICK SAND & MY HEART IS SOOOOOOOOOO BROKEN INTO A MILLION PIECES I DO NOT KNOW HOW I MAKE IT THREW SOME DAYS AND THEN OUT OF BED ON OTHERS...I MISS HIM WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE ...& WILL ALWAYS & FOREVER...BUT THE BEST THING I HAVE HEARD SO FAR IS THAT THE PAIN DOES NOT GO AWAY... U JUST GET USED TO LIVING WITH IT & I KNOW THAT IS SAD TO SAY & HARD TO BELIEVE CAUSE I KNOW THE PAIN TAKES MY BREATH AWAY....BUT I GUESS IT DOES MAKE SENSE IF U THINK ABOUT IT...CAUSE I ALSO KNOW THAT MY HEART DOES NOT FEEL LIKE IT CAN BE FIXED WHERE HE HAS LEFT A HOLE WHERE HIS Z (HIS NAME WAS ZACHARI)SPOT WAS...THAT IS WHT I CALL IT...ANY WAY WE ALL GRIEVE DIFFERENT THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT STAGES OF GRIEF AND NO ONE DOES THEM THE SAME OR IS IN THE THE SAME LENGHT OF TIME & THAT IS OK...THAT IS ALL I KNOW AT THIS TIME..& JUST KEEP LOOKING UP 2 THE STARS....& MAY THEY ALL RIP...

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on May 19, 2009 at 9:35am

Hi Kristi,I know its been a while for me. But Kristi its been so hard for me. My son death on April 9th,my mom death April 9th and my dad death April 4th. I have been so down lately. They say time heals all wounds,oh but my heart stills aches and in pain. My 5 year old grandson was visiting me on Sunday. My best friend was over visiting also. She spoke of how much Kris son favored his mom also. I stated yes he does look like his mom but still has his father head. It was a suprise to me knowing that my grandson was still waiting for his dad to come home from work. He was only 2 when his dad was killed in his fatal car accident. No one knows how much this hurt to hear my grandson say my dad is at work. I took him on my lap and explained to him that his dad is not at work and that will not be retuning home because now he is living with God and that he was his guardian angel. That is the only way I could explain it to him to let him know that his dad will not be retuning home. I also explained to him that his dad was killed in a fatal car accident and that his suv flipped over and was killed instantly. I had no idea that my grandchild was still waiting for his dad to walk through the door. He cried after me telling him that his dad would not be coming home again. I explained to him that he should be good and live a good life so that he can see his father again in heaven. I also told him that it was ok for him to cry and any time he felt like crying it was ok. So you know what this done to me. I miss my son so much. Mothers day I had a down and heavy feeling for that day. It hurts so bad to not have my son here for that day. When you don't hear from me that means I am really goinh through it. Not a day go by that I don't mention Kris name. Oh how much I miss him. I know its been 3 years for me,but it still feel fresh in my heart. So Kristie just continue to pray with me. Hope things ar going well with you. I know its been a rough time for you knowing that graduations is coming up. Just try and be strong. You know I will be praying with you for strength. Elaine
kristi said:

hi,this month is hard for me as my son died in 2006 from his friend shooting him,my mothers day was alright not the best but working that day helped.for the end of the month i will have a hard time in 2 weeks all his friends will be walking down to graduate and my son was suppose to be in the class of 2009.so i got buttons for the kids and they all said they would wear them down when they graduate so that they can rememeber him as if he was there.one girl in the class said i wish everette was going to be there with us,my reply was that he will be there in spirit to help all of you out.but i pray i make it throu.do any of you think i shouldnt go to graduation?my friend asked am i really going and i said yes for the kids and she said i think it is going to be to hard for you.i told her i will be alright other wise i will just walk out.well thanks for listening kristi

Permalink Reply by Peggy Pound on May 19, 2009 at 11:40pm

Year of Firsts
IN MEMORIUM
By Peggy Pound
July 10, 2002

'Mom?' I heard my daughter say, 'There's been a car accident and Phillip's hurt.' At that moment my world went into slow motion and I lived in a dream world for nearly two months. My bright, wonderful son of 23 years died that night, hit by a drunk driver. He never even knew what happened. One moment he was in our world, the next he was in God’s hands.

I spent the next 24 hours on the phone calling all our brothers and sisters and asking them to tell our mothers. By 5:00 pm that day they all had arrived, bringing hugs, kisses, tears and love to us. I had to go and make funeral arrangements for a son who I had never seen get married or have any children. I thank God each day for my sister Kathie and her husband Allen, without them I would not have been able to do all this. They took over when I was unable to. We had him cremated as we had just recently talked about that after Sept. 11. He wanted to be cremated and I went along with it. Not realizing what that actually meant. I would have no place to go and sit quietly and bring flowers to him, no place where he 'rested.'

My sister Kathie picked up his ashes when they left to go back to Arizona and took him with them. After three months she moved to California and we went there to get him. My husband, Roy, could not do it, and we had to flee in the middle of the night from the house where he was. After two more months, my daughter brought him home to her house and then he finally came home, our home. He rests on a shelf at the top of the first landing in our home and each morning and night I run my hand over him and feel my heart catch yet again.

I had to deal with a Russian immigrant who at age 24 realized what he had done by making a choice that changed many lives. I can hear my son telling me, 'Mom, he made a mistake, don’t hate him.' I wrote him a letter while he was in jail asking him to pray and seek God’s strength for himself, and I tried to tell him about Phillip. I don’t know if it made a difference in his life or not, you see he jumped bail and went back to Russia. I have no hate in my heart for him, just sadness for his mother and for him.

I stare at my son's picture on my desk and want him to come home from his 'vacation.' You see that is where my heart tells me he is. Each holiday that comes in this year of 'Firsts' I watch the door of his room wondering when he is going to get up and come taste everything and make sure I haven’t forgotten any special tradition that we have always had. And when he doesn’t my heart cracks a little more. It is sometimes so loud I can actually hear it. Everyone tells me how brave I am, how strong and how my belief in God must be what is helping me. I sometimes wish I could tell people that one day they will walk into my office and there on the floor will be a pile of confetti that once was me. My mom and others keep saying, 'God won’t give you more than you can bear.' Oh, I cry out in my heart, please God don’t love me so much. My sister had part of him put into a silver teardrop that I wear around my neck on a chain each day. I kiss it each time I put it on and take it off. She also had a small silver box made that I am planning on taking to Scotland with me so that he will get to go on that trip that we had planned.

Over the past nine months, the same amount of time I carried him during my pregnancy, I have found a peace that, if not all encompassing, at least lets me breathe and know that Phillip is with God. There are times when I feel His hand on me and a small voice telling me to Trust Him, it will be all right. I have become much better at listening to that voice but there are still times when I want to scream and demand WHY?

My father died the day before my 18th birthday and I thought that pain was the worst. I have since learned a very hard lesson. This lesson that has been given to me I will learn from and share with others who have lost children too. It is a very special kind of hurt and one that we are all ill prepared to survive. I know that there are reasons for everything in life, and if this reason is that I can bring comfort and sharing with others then I will do my best to be there for them. Survive we will, that is what faith can do for you, it makes us different and makes us strong, but obligations come with that lesson and the strength that is given. Life can be very hard and can break you if you let it, or you can let love and sunshine through and go on to better places and things. Smile and be what God intended us all to be, carriers of light and love.

Permalink Reply by sue on May 20, 2009 at 8:43am

Peggy, your words blessed me and renewed my strength. It will be one year 5/22/09 since I lost Tom, my beautiful husband, to a brain anerism. No warning, nothing. I feel as you do and I am so proud of you and know this has to be so hard. My 39 year old son just had open heart surgery last week and thank God we still have him but I was stressed. It was a birth defect but still a full open heart. When you know terrible things can happen and do it takes some of your confidence I think. Thank you for your wise words. suep

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on May 20, 2009 at 1:59pm

Hi Peggy,my name is Elaine and I know what you are going through. Its been three years for me. It all still feels freash in my heart. I know about the phone calls,my daughter called and ask if I heard anything from Kris. She stated that his fianace had been trying to call him for the last 12 hrs. and had not returned any of her calls. Everyone contacted each other and continued to call Kris number. I called and left a message stating Kris this your mother please answer the phone so that we will know you are OK. No answer. Than here come the bad news,my daughter called and stated that they had called On Call and advised them to call the state troopers. So I called and I explained to the trooper who I was and that Kris name was spelled with a K and not a C. Finally the guy said Ms Phillips,yes that was your son truck,but thats all the information that I could give to you on the phone. I knew what he meant because I worked at Charity Hospital in New Orleans for 24 years and when they says thats all I acn tell you on the phone I knew than that my child was dead. The trooper stated Ms. Phillips I am so sorry. Kris SUV flipped over in Donaldsonville,La. on his way to Baton Roughe,La. to his family. Now Peggy losing a child is a hard pill to swallow. Which this was my 2nd son I lost. My first child was 1mo.and 18 days. It was hard but not like Kris death. Peggy it still hurts,I still cry,he is my talk everyday and will always be. I miss that child so much. He was my LOVE child,love kissing and hugging. This is what I recieved everytime we would meet a hug and a kiss. I would tell him boy go ahead I don't know where those lips been,than he would give me this big bear hug,no way to get away and he would kiss me all over saying Love You,Love You,Love you. Oh but what I would give for one of those hugs or kisses. You know Peggy I know the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away,also when I pray the OUR FATHER PRAYER I says Let Thou Will Be Done. And the Will was done and I understand that,but it don't take away the pain and heartaches. No one could even imagine thia pain unless they through it themselves. So Peggy anytime you need to talk get on your computer and say something,or how you feel because we understand. Also my mother died 04-09,my son died 04-09 and my dad died 04-04 all this in the month of April. I will be praying with and for you and your family Elaine

Peggy Pound said:

Year of Firsts
IN MEMORIUM
By Peggy Pound
July 10, 2002

'Mom?' I heard my daughter say, 'There's been a car accident and Phillip's hurt.' At that moment my world went into slow motion and I lived in a dream world for nearly two months. My bright, wonderful son of 23 years died that night, hit by a drunk driver. He never even knew what happened. One moment he was in our world, the next he was in God’s hands.

I spent the next 24 hours on the phone calling all our brothers and sisters and asking them to tell our mothers. By 5:00 pm that day they all had arrived, bringing hugs, kisses, tears and love to us. I had to go and make funeral arrangements for a son who I had never seen get married or have any children. I thank God each day for my sister Kathie and her husband Allen, without them I would not have been able to do all this. They took over when I was unable to. We had him cremated as we had just recently talked about that after Sept. 11. He wanted to be cremated and I went along with it. Not realizing what that actually meant. I would have no place to go and sit quietly and bring flowers to him, no place where he 'rested.'

My sister Kathie picked up his ashes when they left to go back to Arizona and took him with them. After three months she moved to California and we went there to get him. My husband, Roy, could not do it, and we

Permalink Reply by kristi on May 20, 2009 at 4:14pm

hi elaine,yes it will be had but i will be strong and try to help myself by not getting sick over this.my friends tell me to go to the doctor and get on something before this happens because they think i am not going to sleep or anything.and make my self sick.thank you for your concern and i will keep you posted when every thing happens ok.kristi write when you can

Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Hi Kristi,I know its been a while for me. But Kristi its been so hard for me. My son death on April 9th,my mom death April 9th and my dad death April 4th. I have been so down lately. They say time heals all wounds,oh but my heart stills aches and in pain. My 5 year old grandson was visiting me on Sunday. My best friend was over visiting also. She spoke of how much Kris son favored his mom also. I stated yes he does look like his mom but still has his father head. It was a suprise to me knowing that my grandson was still waiting for his dad to come home from work. He was only 2 when his dad was killed in his fatal car accident. No one knows how much this hurt to hear my grandson say my dad is at work. I took him on my lap and explained to him that his dad is not at work and that will not be retuning home because now he is living with God and that he was his guardian angel. That is the only way I could explain it to him to let him know that his dad will not be retuning home. I also explained to him that his dad was killed in a fatal car accident and that his suv flipped over and was killed instantly. I had no idea that my grandchild was still waiting for his dad to walk through the door. He cried after me telling him that his dad would not be coming home again. I explained to him that he should be good and live a good life so that he can see his father again in heaven. I also told him that it was ok for him to cry and any time he felt like crying it was ok. So you know what this done to me. I miss my son so much. Mothers day I had a down and heavy feeling for that day. It hurts so bad to not have my son here for that day. When you don't hear from me that means I am really goinh through it. Not a day go by that I don't mention Kris name. Oh how much I miss him. I know its been 3 years for me,but it still feel fresh in my heart. So Kristie just continue to pray with me. Hope things ar going well with you. I know its been a rough time for you knowing that graduations is coming up. Just try and be strong. You know I will be praying with you for strength. Elaine
kristi said:
hi,this month is hard for me as my son died in 2006 from his friend shooting him,my mothers day was alright not the best but working that day helped.for the end of the month i will have a hard time in 2 weeks all his friends will be walking down to graduate and my son was suppose to be in the class of 2009.so i got buttons for the kids and they all said they would wear them down when they graduate so that they can rememeber him as if he was there.one girl in the class said i wish everette was going to be there with us,my reply was that he will be there in spirit to help all of you out.but i pray i make it throu.do any of you think i shouldnt go to graduation?my friend asked am i really going and i said yes for the kids and she said i think it is going to be to hard for you.i told her i will be alright other wise i will just walk out.well thanks for listening kristi

Permalink Reply by tiffany wheatley on May 20, 2009 at 9:43pm

This was very encouraging and uplifting. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about that voice that guides you, and what a struggle it is to have overcame all those painful emotions and harken to that voice instead of succumbing to that pain. The Lord says he will know us by our fruit. I am so thankful for you even though I dont know you. You are a wonderful sister in Christ. May the peace and joy of the Lord forever abound in you as you continue to minister and share your light. God bless you.

Peggy Pound said:

Year of Firsts
IN MEMORIUM
By Peggy Pound
July 10, 2002

'Mom?' I heard my daughter say, 'There's been a car accident and Phillip's hurt.' At that moment my world went into slow motion and I lived in a dream world for nearly two months. My bright, wonderful son of 23 years died that night, hit by a drunk driver. He never even knew what happened. One moment he was in our world, the next he was in God’s hands.

I spent the next 24 hours on the phone calling all our brothers and sisters and asking them to tell our mothers. By 5:00 pm that day they all had arrived, bringing hugs, kisses, tears and love to us. I had to go and make funeral arrangements for a son who I had never seen get married or have any children. I thank God each day for my sister Kathie and her husband Allen, without them I would not have been able to do all this. They took over when I was unable to. We had him cremated as we had just recently talked about that after Sept. 11. He wanted to be cremated and I went along with it. Not realizing what that actually meant. I would have no place to go and sit quietly and bring flowers to him, no place where he 'rested.'

My sister Kathie picked up his ashes when they left to go back to Arizona and took him with them. After three months she moved to California and we went there to get him. My husband, Roy, could not do it, and we had to flee in the middle of the night from the house where he was. After two more months, my daughter brought him home to her house and then he finally came home, our home. He rests on a shelf at the top of the first landing in our home and each morning and night I run my hand over him and feel my heart catch yet again.

I had to deal with a Russian immigrant who at age 24 realized what he had done by making a choice that changed many lives. I can hear my son telling me, 'Mom, he made a mistake, don’t hate him.' I wrote him a letter while he was in jail asking him to pray and seek God’s strength for himself, and I tried to tell him about Phillip. I don’t know if it made a difference in his life or not, you see he jumped bail and went back to Russia. I have no hate in my heart for him, just sadness for his mother and for him.

I stare at my son's picture on my desk and want him to come home from his 'vacation.' You see that is where my heart tells me he is. Each holiday that comes in this year of 'Firsts' I watch the door of his room wondering when he is going to get up and come taste everything and make sure I haven’t forgotten any special tradition that we have always had. And when he doesn’t my heart cracks a little more. It is sometimes so loud I can actually hear it. Everyone tells me how brave I am, how strong and how my belief in God must be what is helping me. I sometimes wish I could tell people that one day they will walk into my office and there on the floor will be a pile of confetti that once was me. My mom and others keep saying, 'God won’t give you more than you can bear.' Oh, I cry out in my heart, please God don’t love me so much. My sister had part of him put into a silver teardrop that I wear around my neck on a chain each day. I kiss it each time I put it on and take it off. She also had a small silver box made that I am planning on taking to Scotland with me so that he will get to go on that trip that we had planned.

Over the past nine months, the same amount of time I carried him during my pregnancy, I have found a peace that, if not all encompassing, at least lets me breathe and know that Phillip is with God. There are times when I feel His hand on me and a small voice telling me to Trust Him, it will be all right. I have become much better at listening to that voice but there are still times when I want to scream and demand WHY?

My father died the day before my 18th birthday and I thought that pain was the worst. I have since learned a very hard lesson. This lesson that has been given to me I will learn from and share with others who have lost children too. It is a very special kind of hurt and one that we are all ill prepared to survive. I know that there are reasons for everything in life, and if this reason is that I can bring comfort and sharing with others then I will do my best to be there for them. Survive we will, that is what faith can do for you, it makes us different and makes us strong, but obligations come with that lesson and the strength that is given. Life can be very hard and can break you if you let it, or you can let love and sunshine through and go on to better places and things. Smile and be what God intended us all to be, carriers of light and love.

Permalink Reply by Bernadette Lester on May 25, 2009 at 10:59am

HI my Name is bernadette I lost my 15 year old son Januaury 29th 2008 we were in a fast food drive thru around 9:30 pm and some guy came to the passaenger side where my son was sitting and shot him three times he later died in the ER I have to mention my 10 year old grandaughter was sitting in the back seat directly behind my son the assailant shot at her as well she was able to duck down,now my grandaughter is suffering from ptss and survivors guilt Iam suffering from ptss as well I am so lost right my son would have turn 17 on the 17th may and he would have been a senior in high school ready to graduate this year I was stripped from see all of his accomplishments I miss my little so much how ever I do have another teenaged son he is 15 about to be 16 in a couple of weeks so I have to keep it movin for him and remember he lost his brother and best friend the boys are 13 months apart I feel like I can't help him at times because it is still as painful as it was from the begining the last words of my son was mom....mom I was able to pray with him and tell him to call upon Jesus and later I found out my friend was visiting me well he was helping me out around the houseI was still at work and my son and my friend where there my friend have sang a gospel song and my son asked him to sing it again within 5 hours or so my son was gone.Nothing has been right since. I lost my job of 7 in half years so much more I care to talk about at this time I'm ready to share my story and hear any remarks. I am so sorry for everyones loss

Permalink Reply by fran on May 25, 2009 at 4:32pm

This might be helpful. It appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer for Memorial Day.

http://www.philly.com/inquirer/opinion/20090524_Giving_parents__los...

Posted on Sun, May. 24, 2009

Giving parents' loss a name
On Memorial Day, or any day a child is grieved, Sanskrit suggests a word for the bewildering blow: "Viloma."

Karla FC Holloway is the James B. Duke Professor of English at Duke University and author of Passed On: African American Mourning Stories

In a National Public Radio essay nearly three years ago, I pondered the lack of a word for parents whose child has died. I remember I said it must be a quiet word, like our grief, but clear in its claim.

I recalled the word that Lady Bird Johnson wanted no part of when her husband, President Lyndon B. Johnson, died - widow, related to a Sanskrit word meaning "empty." She was not empty, she asserted. She was grieving. But at least she had a word to resist.

On this Memorial Day, when we remember those who have died in war, we are still without a word that identifies their survivors' loss. That denies them whatever notice words like orphan and widow may provide.

Grief leaves a melancholy and sometimes nameless company.

I've noticed this absence for each of the days, months, and even years since our son's death. I've leafed through the letters and e-mails from parents whose children have died, through the photographs mailed to me of T-shirts with the faces of dead children on them and images from sidewalk memorials.

These were sent and shared by parents whose children's deaths inverted the natural order of things and forced their mothers and fathers to do the business of burying. That ought to have been the labor of a grown child, not a task for their parents.

I have heard there is a Chinese saying that the gray-haired should not bury the black-haired. Of course. It is an offense to the order of things.

This idea of orderliness and the disorder of a child's death eventually brought me back to the word widow. And as creative as I thought I might be with language, as liberal as I was willing to be in borrowing a word from another language - maybe from Swahili or Greek, French or Thai - or even creating one myself from a collection of letters that I might shape into the meaning I needed, I returned to the language that had already given us one word. I considered that Sanskrit might locate another.

And I found viloma.

Viloma means "against a natural order." As in, the gray-haired should not bury those with black hair. As in, our children should not precede us in death. If they do, we are vilomaed.

Each Memorial Day, there is a mourning that defies a natural order. But it extends beyond war. We need a name because of what happened at Columbine and Virginia Tech, for when a child is found beneath the rubble of an earthquake, or for dusty children who starve to death in Darfur. The numbers grow daily - with drive-bys and carelessness, with genocides and accidents, illnesses and suicide.

Viloma is a name for the grief we represent. It might sound odd at first. But we have grown used to the word widow. It's not much different, and it shares the same etymology.

And unfortunately, these days can give us ways and means abundantly to grow accustomed to a viloma. A parent whose child has died is a viloma.

Watch the evening news and you will see a viloma. Scan the news on the Web and you will read about a viloma. Walk through your neighborhood and there are homes with vilomas inside.

The difference between today's grief and tomorrow's is that now there is a name. Viloma. A parent whose child has died.