The loss of a child

Hi Amelia,
Hope you're doing okay today. I agree that it really helps to be on this site and have others to talk to who really understand this deep, unending pain. I'm still on that roller coaster of emotion, and have had an especially hard time the last week or so. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Take care.
Judy

Permalink Reply by Judy on October 6, 2009 at 11:40pm

Dear Gerry,
I'm so sorry for your loss. It is devastating to lose a son so suddenly, and I would imagine that at this point you're still basically in a state of shock. The person driving the car my son was in was drunk and speeding. The whole accident is such an irony that sometimes I get so frustrated about it I could scream. My son didn't go out that much and when he did he drove 99% of the time. That night, we had a guest who was using one of the cars so my son got a ride with someone to a party. He left at 9:00 and asked the guy to bring him home at 11:00 because he had a job interview the next morning to earn college spending money. They were 3 miles from our house when the driver lost control of the car as he was going around a slight curve. The car smashed into a tree at around 70 mph and the car hit the tree squarely where my son was sitting. He was basically crushed and died within minutes. The car was bent in half and it took them 7 hours to get my son's body out of the car. I rarely talk about this as it is so painful to think of the details. My belief is that he felt nothing after the impact because of the extent of his injuries and that God was there immediately to take him home.
We didn't know the driver very well, and have not talked to him since the accident. The court made his bond provisional on him not communicating with us. The accident happened December 28, 2008. Many court dates have been set only to be continued, and the case is supposed to go to trial on October 27. I dread it. These last 9 months I have tried not to think about this aspect of my son's death, and have just focussed on my grief and the rest of the family's. I'm so sorry for what you are going through both with dealing with the loss of your son and the legal aspect. Feel free to write about it anytime since I can relate to what you're going through.
Judy

Permalink Reply by kristi on October 7, 2009 at 12:18am

thank you judy i will be ok.thanks i just dont sleep that much when this day is here.thanksagain.kristi

Judy said:

Hi Kristi,
I'm thinking of you right now, and hoping you'll have good days ahead. I know today had to have been rough.

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on October 7, 2009 at 3:56am

'Morning Kristi... I pray God bless's you today as you take care of your family, while trying to cope with this day. I am glad your family is around for you at this time, and sometimes being "busy", is a good thing. But Hun, don't go into your room to cry alone. How will you get it all out if you are supressing it? While your family is near, let them help with today.
When Jordan's anniversary of his death comes around, I didn't like calling it "anniversary". I may have mentioned this before; {but it's hard to keep up with my own thoughts sometimes}, I started calling "it" Angel Day. Because if there is only one thing that comforts me at all, it's the fact that "that day", he met Jesus. So if I may...Happy Angel Day! My prayers are with you today, as always my friend....... ..........Leslie

kristi said:

this weekend went well i had alot of support about 40 people showed up to help me out.the annivesary of my sons death is tomorrow oct 7th,2009 and i cant even cry because i am taking care of my family all have the flu.but i know i will be able to close the door and cry.it hurts me alot still that he isnt here with me.tried support group but no one is showing up so i might have to go to a different town to go to one.but it helps to talk about him like he was still here.r.i.p.everette paul armstrong 9-12-90 to 10=-7-06.i will write what i put in the paper i hope you like it ok.
WE MISS YOU TONIGHT
AS THE LIGHTS BURN LOW,
YES SON WE MISS YOU ,
FOR WE LOVE YOU SO:
WE LOVE YOU TRULY,
AND THAT YOU KNOW
IS WHY TONIGHT
WE MISS YOU SO
MEMORY OF EVERETTE ARMSTRONG
9-12-90 TO 10-7-06
LOVE MOM,DAD,BECCA,BEN
WE MISS YOU ALWAYS
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR CONCERN I WILL BE ALRIGHT

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on October 7, 2009 at 4:41am

Dear Gerry...
We are grieving with you. Only four weeks ago; my heart is breaking for you and with you. I feel as you do {and as many of us do}, that comming to this site is a blessing; which means it is also a curse for someone else's Mother or Father. Unfortunatly {and fortunatly} the comfort we find lays with-in someone else's tragedy. Although I would never wish this on any one, I am thank-ful for the friends I have made here. I never met them...but I know them. For we share something that is unknown to so many. And it bonds us for comfort for each other. My son Jordan was only 23 years old. He was 6'4" tall, lt brown hair and green eyes. Funny...my gosh, he was funny. One time I started crying in front of him, "happy tears". And he looked around and said .."mom, don't cry, your making me look bad". I told him, ..."sometimes old ladies cry when their happy". And we laughed about it for a long time.
And after he went to be with the Lord, I hear him say that to me all the time. Sometimes I'm crying so hard, and all of a sudden break out into laughter again.
At first I thought I was kinda nuts. I wondered why, or how I could laugh at all. And there are times I am laughing out loud, and break down into a deep sob.
You are going to go through so many mood swings, you may think your going nuts. Well Gerry...we are ALL here to let you know your not. However you grieve, is the right way to grieve. I was so numb for months after, and in so much dis-belief. When it hits, it does feel like we're dying. But we "get through". I don't know how...but we do. One thing that keeps me going is, I don't want my son to think "HE" ruined my life. And if I did anything to hurt myself, (as not eating, health deteriorating), Jordan would feel responsible. So I know (eventually) I will do better. I am not even close right now. But it is a goal I have. Plus, if I want to see him again, I have to do good down here.
I found it help'd me the most to talk about him. So I talk about him all the time. People may be afraid to talk about him with you, for fear they will make you cry. They don't know that we NEED to talk about them. And we are going to cry anyway...and not because of them. I will keep you in my prayers, as you take your first steps. We are here if you need us. God Bless You and your family..... ...................Leslie
Gerry Fiden said:

Linda crawley said:
Please accept my condolences, and I do agree about the laws. This is happening way to often. You are in my prayers.

Gerry Fiden said:
To all on this site who read this.
I have been reading your stories for several weeks now and my heart goes out to each and every one of you. I do not want to be here, but unfortunately I am. My son and only child was killed 4 weeks ago today by a drunk driver. Ric was on his way to work, it was 7:22 a.m. when he was killed. His death was untimely and horrific. This happened in Fl. where he lived. My son leaves behind many who loved him, including 2 daughters and 2 step children who are devastated by his death. He was only 43 years old.The man who killed my son killed me also, as I am dead inside. The driver had his girlfriends 8 year old in the car with him and fled the scene. He was caught thanks to wittnesses. I wakeup each morning crying for what my son went through, it should not have happened. The man had priors in another state and did bodily injury to someone else while under

Permalink Reply by kristi on October 7, 2009 at 7:48am

hi leslie thank you for your comfort thoughts.yes i remember that you said that to me before about angel day and i will call it that i forgot.because he was an angel in my eyes.i miss him so much.and my family is all sick and keeping busy with all them is tiring especially when 2 of them are old enough to take care of there selfes.but when i need something they dont care.thank you leslie.i will let you know how today goes.my friends say i am strong i dont cry in front of them and stuff.kristi

Leslie L. Fiorda said:

'Morning Kristi... I pray God bless's you today as you take care of your family, while trying to cope with this day. I am glad your family is around for you at this time, and sometimes being "busy", is a good thing. But Hun, don't go into your room to cry alone. How will you get it all out if you are supressing it? While your family is near, let them help with today.
When Jordan's anniversary of his death comes around, I didn't like calling it "anniversary". I may have mentioned this before; {but it's hard to keep up with my own thoughts sometimes}, I started calling "it" Angel Day. Because if there is only one thing that comforts me at all, it's the fact that "that day", he met Jesus. So if I may...Happy Angel Day! My prayers are with you today, as always my friend....... ..........Leslie

kristi said:
this weekend went well i had alot of support about 40 people showed up to help me out.the annivesary of my sons death is tomorrow oct 7th,2009 and i cant even cry because i am taking care of my family all have the flu.but i know i will be able to close the door and cry.it hurts me alot still that he isnt here with me.tried support group but no one is showing up so i might have to go to a different town to go to one.but it helps to talk about him like he was still here.r.i.p.everette paul armstrong 9-12-90 to 10=-7-06.i will write what i put in the paper i hope you like it ok.
WE MISS YOU TONIGHT
AS THE LIGHTS BURN LOW,
YES SON WE MISS YOU ,
FOR WE LOVE YOU SO:
WE LOVE YOU TRULY,
AND THAT YOU KNOW
IS WHY TONIGHT
WE MISS YOU SO
MEMORY OF EVERETTE ARMSTRONG
9-12-90 TO 10-7-06
LOVE MOM,DAD,BECCA,BEN
WE MISS YOU ALWAYS
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR CONCERN I WILL BE ALRIGHT

Permalink Reply by Sue on October 7, 2009 at 8:52am

My son is gone 14 mos. today. I still can't believe it. I saw 2 docs yesterday and they both said that there is hope for me. I am "stuttering" in the early stages of grief...I don't know how to get out of this hole. Hopefully the new med I am on will help. My family doc said something I will never forget..."Josh is SAFE now"....I love him for that. He is a strong believer in God and says he is in a better place. Anything has to be better than this horrible world. I do not have a strong support system as some of you, but I find this site helpful because we are going thru alot of the same feelings. Thank you all. I hope someday we will find some sort of peace.
Love, Sue

Permalink Reply by kristi on October 7, 2009 at 9:41am

HI SUE,IT HAS BEEN 3 YEARS TODAY THAT MY SON HAS GONE.WELL I HAVE TO TELL YOU WITH OUT THE SUPPORT OF FRIENDS BECAUSE I DONT LIVE BY MY FAMILY THATS WHAT I HAVE.THAN I GO TO A SUPPORT GROUP AND THAT HELPS ME REALLY GOOD.TALK ABOUT HIM AND EVERYTHING IT HELPS AT THIS TIME.I GO BECAUSE I CANT TALK ABOUT MY SON LIKE I DO THERE.BUT MY HEART ACHES ANYWAYS.SUPPORT GROUP AND THEY SAY NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM OK.THAT IS WHAT PROBLY IS EATING YOU UP IN SIDE IF YOU DONT TALK ABOUT HIM.TAKE CARE KRISIT

Sue said:

My son is gone 14 mos. today. I still can't believe it. I saw 2 docs yesterday and they both said that there is hope for me. I am "stuttering" in the early stages of grief...I don't know how to get out of this hole. Hopefully the new med I am on will help. My family doc said something I will never forget..."Josh is SAFE now"....I love him for that. He is a strong believer in God and says he is in a better place. Anything has to be better than this horrible world. I do not have a strong support system as some of you, but I find this site helpful because we are going thru alot of the same feelings. Thank you all. I hope someday we will find some sort of peace.
Love, Sue

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on October 7, 2009 at 10:36am

Judy said:

Dear Gerry,
I'm so sorry for your loss. It is devastating to lose a son so suddenly, and I would imagine that at this point you're still basically in a state of shock. The person driving the car my son was in was drunk and speeding. The whole accident is such an irony that sometimes I get so frustrated about it I could scream. My son didn't go out that much and when he did he drove 99% of the time. That night, we had a guest who was using one of the cars so my son got a ride with someone to a party. He left at 9:00 and asked the guy to bring him home at 11:00 because he had a job interview the next morning to earn college spending money. They were 3 miles from our house when the driver lost control of the car as he was going around a slight curve. The car smashed into a tree at around 70 mph and the car hit the tree squarely where my son was sitting. He was basically crushed and died within minutes. The car was bent in half and it took them 7 hours to get my son's body out of the car. I rarely talk about this as it is so painful to think of the details. My belief is that he felt nothing after the impact because of the extent of his injuries and that God was there immediately to take him home.
We didn't know the driver very well, and have not talked to him since the accident. The court made his bond provisional on him not communicating with us. The accident happened December 28, 2008. Many court dates have been set only to be continued, and the case is supposed to go to trial on October 27. I dread it. These last 9 months I have tried not to think about this aspect of my son's death, and have just focussed on my grief and the rest of the family's. I'm so sorry for what you are going through both with dealing with the loss of your son and the legal aspect. Feel free to write about it anytime since I can relate to what you're going through.
Judy

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on October 7, 2009 at 11:01am

To All who responded to me,
I am having difficulty with responding to comments on this site. Have tried to but keep on loosing my notes back to you all.
Perhaps someone could explain what I am doing wrong.
I appreciate each and everyone of you, Leslie, Judy, and all who reached out to me, thank you for your kindness. How do I go to your home page and leave a message? I am on share right now and that seems to work. I don't want to give up communication, as you are the ones who understand what I am going through.
Gerry

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on October 7, 2009 at 1:13pm

Dear Judy,

I will try again to respond and hope this gets to you. You and I have lost our sons under similar situations, so you know exactly how I am feeling. My son's death should not have happened. Non of the details seem to fit. You just don't lose a child to a drunk driver, especially at 7:22 in the morning. Like you, I had no goodbyes and no son to bury. He was dragged 180 ft. before the driver stopped the car, we didn't even have his ashes for the memorial. It took 6 hours before they could identify my son and contact my daughter-in-law.The emptyness I feel is overwhelming at times. Ric lived in Fl. and I live in NY, I was there in March. Thank God for that visit. The phone conversations we had before this happened ,and his last words of I love you before we hung up ,is what I have left to hold onto. Of course there are the memories through the years, but I want so many more.
I want justice for my sons death. How long did it take for your case to go to trial? I worry about the children going through this and turning their lives upside down.
Please accept my thanks and know I will pray for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.
Gerry