The loss of a child

Dear Sheryl,
Today is your sons birthday....your very first without him here with you. It is a hard day we go through...being mothers. I am praying for you, to help you through this day. It is not an easy one.
You said "you" are a domestic violence survivor; good for you. I am too, but just barely. I understand what your talking about ...fully. From broken jaws to broken lives. No one has the right to take some ones life. I am very sad for you, (with you) for this.

Sheryl Hysaw said:
My 29 year old son was murdered on March 28, 2009. I am sick. I still can not accept his death. I don't want counseling, I don't want grief support, I want my son. He is a father and a brother and a uncle and a friend. He had a life. He was on his way to his nieces birthday party. Why? I did not even get to see him that day. I did not know he was going to die. Why? How can anyone go on after this? It just does not make since to me. He did not deserve to die.

Permalink Reply by Sheryl Hysaw on December 8, 2009 at 6:55pm

Thank you so much. Most days I see my son being shot in his chest. I see him turn and walk down the hall and lay his body down on the floo with the top of his body in the bedroom and the bottom in the hallway. I was not there but that is what was told to me. They said he talked to himself saying " D ray, you can do this". Apparently he couldn't do it because he is gone. I was told today by a friend who is a Minister, that satan keeps putting these thoughts in my mind. I disagree. I told him that my grief was covered in the grace of Jesus. I truly believe that. If I did not have faith in Christ I don't really know what I would do. Derrick was my friend as much as he was my son. That part of my life is gone. Thinking about him being in heaven is not an option for me. The Bible says we sleep until God comes for us and the dead in Christ will rise first. That tells me simply, he is sleep and not watching, listening or protecting me. I can't hear him, or feel him anywhere no matter how much I want to see him. I haven't even been able to dream. The closest thing I can think of is being asleep one night and this bright light shined in my face. I woke up to complete darkness and went back to sleep. It happened again. Still the same, complete darkness. I did not think about it until later that day and I wondered, could that have been him. Anyway, everyday I get up, I am still in some sort of zoned out state. I smile and encourage others, but I feel absolutely exhausted of any encouragement for myself. I am angry. I don't know what to do with this bottled up stuff that I am so afraid to let out. How can you go on everyday knowing that when I wake up, he is dead? Some way, some how, I must find a way to survive this pain. This is the only place I feel comfortable talking. Really, no one can interrupt me. My mother just lost her husband of 32 years and I try not to compare the two. But she said that I act like she does not hurt. Why don't she understand that I still can't miss Derrick or hurt because I can't get past the phone call on that day. I can't feel my stepfathers passing yet. I look at her and all I can think about is I wish I had the privilege to sit with my son and pray with him. I wish I could have read the 23 psalms and held his hand as he passed from this life to eternity. I'm not saying that it hurt any less, I'm just saying she had time to prepare. My stepfather was ill and my mother took care of him until the day he passed away. Derrick was shot down like a dirty dog and I could not comfort him. I could not pray for him, I could not do anything. When the call came to me, he was dead for two hours. The yellow tape was out and the coroner was in his house. All I saw was them bringing this person covered in an ugly gray blanket and pushed him in a hurst. If I allow myself to feel any of this I will go freakin crazy.

Sheryl Hysaw said:

Leslie L. Fiorda said:
Dear Sheryl,
Today is your sons birthday....your very first without him here with you. It is a hard day we go through...being mothers. I am praying for you, to help you through this day. It is not an easy one.
You said "you" are a domestic violence survivor; good for you. I am too, but just barely. I understand what your talking about ...fully. From broken jaws to broken lives. No one has the right to take some ones life. I am very sad for you, (with you) for this.

Sheryl Hysaw said:
My 29 year old son was murdered on March 28, 2009. I am sick. I still can not accept his death. I don't want counseling, I don't want grief support, I want my son. He is a father and a brother and a uncle and a friend. He had a life. He was on his way to his nieces birthday party. Why? I did not even get to see him that day. I did not know he was going to die. Why? How can anyone go on after this? It just does not make since to me. He did not deserve to die.

Permalink Reply by kristi on December 8, 2009 at 11:30pm

sheryl i know how you feel is because when my son died the doctors and the police would not let us see him,they wouldnt let us touch him and say goodbye for the last time.i waited 37 hours for a phone call i couldnt sleep.and the police and the kids that were in the room were saying if everette didnt make it tell my mom and dad that i love them.that will be hurting me for the rest of my life because i didnt here them words from him and his friends and police did.the kid was going to run away and my son told him to stay till the end.the kid counted the bullets going in the gun but not going out.one left he pointed it at my son and shot him and he was gone.i love him to.people say that i should move on and forget him i tell them i gave birth to him.if you ever need to talk and the pain is still there and no one is listening please i have been to support group for 3 years now and it helps me alot.the school he went to is such a support,a tree 3 years of yearbooks.phone calls and stopping by for support.well anytime you can type we will be here for you

Sheryl Hysaw said:

Thank you so much. Most days I see my son being shot in his chest. I see him turn and walk down the hall and lay his body down on the floo with the top of his body in the bedroom and the bottom in the hallway. I was not there but that is what was told to me. They said he talked to himself saying " D ray, you can do this". Apparently he couldn't do it because he is gone. I was told today by a friend who is a Minister, that satan keeps putting these thoughts in my mind. I disagree. I told him that my grief was covered in the grace of Jesus. I truly believe that. If I did not have faith in Christ I don't really know what I would do. Derrick was my friend as much as he was my son. That part of my life is gone. Thinking about him being in heaven is not an option for me. The Bible says we sleep until God comes for us and the dead in Christ will rise first. That tells me simply, he is sleep and not watching, listening or protecting me. I can't hear him, or feel him anywhere no matter how much I want to see him. I haven't even been able to dream. The closest thing I can think of is being asleep one night and this bright light shined in my face. I woke up to complete darkness and went back to sleep. It happened again. Still the same, complete darkness. I did not think about it until later that day and I wondered, could that have been him. Anyway, everyday I get up, I am still in some sort of zoned out state. I smile and encourage others, but I feel absolutely exhausted of any encouragement for myself. I am angry. I don't know what to do with this bottled up stuff that I am so afraid to let out. How can you go on everyday knowing that when I wake up, he is dead? Some way, some how, I must find a way to survive this pain. This is the only place I feel comfortable talking. Really, no one can interrupt me. My mother just lost her husband of 32 years and I try not to compare the two. But she said that I act like she does not hurt. Why don't she understand that I still can't miss Derrick or hurt because I can't get past the phone call on that day. I can't feel my stepfathers passing yet. I look at her and all I can think about is I wish I had the privilege to sit with my son and pray with him. I wish I could have read the 23 psalms and held his hand as he passed from this life to eternity. I'm not saying that it hurt any less, I'm just saying she had time to prepare. My stepfather was ill and my mother took care of him until the day he passed away. Derrick was shot down like a dirty dog and I could not comfort him. I could not pray for him, I could not do anything. When the call came to me, he was dead for two hours. The yellow tape was out and the coroner was in his house. All I saw was them b

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on December 9, 2009 at 9:06pm

Dear Sheryl...

Honey, this "IS" different. I know your mother cannot understand this right now. She may never understand it at all. Only "we" do. My mom is a Pastor of a church... and she didnt either. That is a blessing some how; because it means she has never lost a child. (I am one of seven in our family). At first she told me..."You know he is with Jesus, stop being sad, it's going to make you sick".
I couldn't believe what she was telling me. At first I was shocked, then hurt, which made me even more sad. I thought why doesnt my own mom understand? She kept telling me to write my brother Jim a letter. (He was overseas, couldnt come home). I couldnt do it; I just couldnt put THAT on paper. It made it too real. Then, about four months went by, and she recieved a letter from a friend of hers who lost her son almost four months before; same time as I did. My Mom apologized to me, saying "I guess I really don't understand." She said in the letter, she (her friend)wouldve written sooner, but she just couldnt put it on paper. My Mother called me, and asked if I would call her friend up and talk with her. This woman had lost all her faith. Blameing God for taking her son. I can't imagine losing my faith. God didn't take our sons...He recieved our sons. I realized after that, that it is a blessing she didnt understand. Most people won't.
A very good friend of mine lost her son about nine months after I did. He was shot also. She asked specifically for me to "please be there". I went. I saw many that were at my sons funeral, and all of them were very surprised I was there. They commented on "how hard this must be for me". You know what Sheryl... it didn't even phase me. I felt bad, that I didn't feel bad. I would hear her cry so hard and so deeply, and THAT hurt me. I felt for her. Just knowing what she was about to go through, and I was nine months into. (Grieving) But it never touched me, it couldn't... not to the depth that my son did. Nothing ever will. (Praise God.)
You can't grieve for your step-father yet. You may never. All you can do is try to give her hugs when you can. She will not understand yours, and thats okay. I do. I hope this helps a little. We are going through it together...God Bless You and all on this site. ..............Love Leslie

Sheryl Hysaw said:

Thank you so much. Most days I see my son being shot in his chest. I see him turn and walk down the hall and lay his body down on the floo with the top of his body in the bedroom and the bottom in the hallway. I was not there but that is what was told to me. They said he talked to himself saying " D ray, you can do this". Apparently he couldn't do it because he is gone. I was told today by a friend who is a Minister, that satan keeps putting these thoughts in my mind. I disagree. I told him that my grief was covered in the grace of Jesus. I truly believe that. If I did not have faith in Christ I don't really know what I would do. Derrick was my friend as much as he was my son. That part of my life is gone. Thinking about him being in heaven is not an option for me. The Bible says we sleep until God comes for us and the dead in Christ will rise first. That tells me simply, he is sleep and not watching, listening or protecting me. I can't hear him, or feel him anywhere no matter how much I want to see him. I haven't even been able to dream. The closest thing I can think of is being asleep one night and this bright light shined in my face. I woke up to complete darkness and went back to sleep. It happened again. Still the same, complete darkness. I did not think about it until later that day and I wondered, could that have been him. Anyway, everyday I get up, I am still in some sort of zoned out state. I smile and encourage others, but I feel absolutely exhausted of any encouragement for myself. I am angry. I d

Permalink Reply by Sheryl Hysaw on December 9, 2009 at 10:52pm

That was amazing, I never quite thought about it that way. God did not take Derrick, He received him. Thank you for that. Sometimes we need to hear it from others to not get caught up in our own way of thinking. I am a Minister and I do know the Lord but it was difficult for me to pray after Derricks death. As much as I begged God for my son to be healed from his pain and suffering. Now I know he did do just that. Thank you and God bless you.
kristi said:

sheryl i know how you feel is because when my son died the doctors and the police would not let us see him,they wouldnt let us touch him and say goodbye for the last time.i waited 37 hours for a phone call i couldnt sleep.and the police and the kids that were in the room were saying if everette didnt make it tell my mom and dad that i love them.that will be hurting me for the rest of my life because i didnt here them words from him and his friends and police did.the kid was going to run away and my son told him to stay till the end.the kid counted the bullets going in the gun but not going out.one left he pointed it at my son and shot him and he was gone.i love him to.people say that i should move on and forget him i tell them i gave birth to him.if you ever need to talk and the pain is still there and no one is listening please i have been to support group for 3 years now and it helps me alot.the school he went to is such a support,a tree 3 years of yearbooks.phone calls and stopping by for support.well anytime you can type we will be here for you

Sheryl Hysaw said:
Thank you so much. Most days I see my son being shot in his chest. I see him turn and walk down the hall and lay his body down on the floo with the top of his body in the bedroom and the bottom in the hallway. I was not there but that is what was told to me. They said he talked to himself saying " D ray, you can do this". Apparently he couldn't do it because he is gone. I was told today by a friend who is a Minister, that satan keeps putting these thoughts in my mind. I disagree. I told him that my grief was covered in the grace of Jesus. I truly believe that. If I did not have faith in Christ I don't really know what I would do. Derrick was my friend as much as he was my son. That part of my life is gone. Thinking about him being in heaven is not an option for me. The Bible says we sleep until God comes for us and the dead in Christ will rise first. That tells me simply, he is sleep and not watching, listening or protecting me. I can't hear him, or feel him anywhere no matter how much I want to see him. I haven't even been able to dream. The closest thing I can think of is being asleep one night and this bright light shined in my face. I woke up to complete darkness and went back to sleep. It happened again. Still the same, complete darkness. I did not think about it until later that day and I wondered, could that have been him. Anyway, everyday I get up, I am still in some sort of zoned out state. I smile and encourage others, but I feel absolutely exhausted of any encouragement for myself. I am angry. I don't know what to do with this bottled up stuff that I am so afraid to let out. How can you go on everyday knowing that when I wake up, he is dead? Some way, some how, I must find a way to survive this pain. This is the only place I feel comfortable talking. Really, no one can interrupt me. My mother just lost her husband of 32 years and I try not to compare the two. But she said that I act like she does not hurt. Why don't she understand that I still can't miss Derrick or hurt because I can't get past the phone call on that day. I can't feel my stepfathers passing yet. I look at her and all I can think about is I wish I had the privilege to sit with my son and pray with him. I wish I could have read the 23 psalms and held his hand as he passed from this life to eternity. I'm not saying that it hurt any less, I'm just saying she had time to prepare. My stepfather was ill and my mother took care of him until the day he passed away. Derrick was shot down like a dirty dog and I could not comfort him. I could not pray for him, I could not do anything. When the call came to me, he was dead for two hours. The yellow tape was out and the coroner was in his house. All I saw was them b

Permalink Reply by caring on December 11, 2009 at 8:08am

im not real sure what to say this is going to be 3 years dec 26 every day is like it starts over again , i have no one to talk to about the death or doctors choice to kill my son i go over this everyday and it hurts more each day it its driving me nuts, im just numb all the time am i going crazy yes caring

Permalink Reply by kristi on December 11, 2009 at 8:49am

hi caring,i was throu the same situation almost i lost my son 3 years ago and i blamed the doctor after my son got shot.i blamed him till this year and i said i cant be blaming them because they didnt shoot my son.well i went and said that i was sorry for the terrible things like not saying hi to like the doctor and nurses that were in there for a long time.but i went and said i was sorry that i have been really bad about stuff like not saying hi and waving when they waved.i was at support group for 3 years and that is so helpful to talk to people that have been throu the same thing.i loved it but now it is winter and i dont like driving in the winter so i go throu holidays bad.i take it out on my family.but just to let you know i love this site to because when the angel day comes everyone comes and helps you out.the day after christmas is a bad time to.but i work were my son was brought in the er room i know all the nurses and doctors that took care of him and i just felt it was time to talk to them and tell them how i felt and i feel better everyday i work and i see them i can say hi and say how are you and stuff.it hurts sometimes during the holidays but i hope one day that feeling goes away.well you take care and go to a support group near you if you need to ok.thanks for listening and write when you want on here we all listen.kristi

caring said:

im not real sure what to say this is going to be 3 years dec 26 every day is like it starts over again , i have no one to talk to about the death or doctors choice to kill my son i go over this everyday and it hurts more each day it its driving me nuts, im just numb all the time am i going crazy yes caring

Permalink Reply by Sheryl Hysaw on December 11, 2009 at 10:35am

Here I am now offering words of support. I struggle every day but I know every day is not a good day, but every day is a God day. There isn't really anything a person can say when we are in the midst of our grief, as this site has done for me, we can listen and pray for your strength. It will be 9 months on the 28th of this month that my Derrick was shot to death. It hurts. It scares me and it makes me angry. I take all those emotions, all my fears and I just write. I pray that you do the same. I love Ms. Kristi, she is a down to earth person and her words and pain helps me to go the extra mile. If no one else responds to you she will and listen to her and know you are not alone. I will be praying for you and I trust that anyone else on this site will be doing the same. Take care of yourself and know that you have a right to grieve your way. Be Blessed

kristi said:

hi caring,i was throu the same situation almost i lost my son 3 years ago and i blamed the doctor after my son got shot.i blamed him till this year and i said i cant be blaming them because they didnt shoot my son.well i went and said that i was sorry for the terrible things like not saying hi to like the doctor and nurses that were in there for a long time.but i went and said i was sorry that i have been really bad about stuff like not saying hi and waving when they waved.i was at support group for 3 years and that is so helpful to talk to people that have been throu the same thing.i loved it but now it is winter and i dont like driving in the winter so i go throu holidays bad.i take it out on my family.but just to let you know i love this site to because when the angel day comes everyone comes and helps you out.the day after christmas is a bad time to.but i work were my son was brought in the er room i know all the nurses and doctors that took care of him and i just felt it was time to talk to them and tell them how i felt and i feel better everyday i work and i see them i can say hi and say how are you and stuff.it hurts sometimes during the holidays but i hope one day that feeling goes away.well you take care and go to a support group near you if you need to ok.thanks for listening and write when you want on here we all listen.kristi

caring said:
im not real sure what to say this is going to be 3 years dec 26 every day is like it starts over again , i have no one to talk to about the death or doctors choice to kill my son i go over this everyday and it hurts more each day it its driving me nuts, im just numb all the time am i going crazy yes caring

Permalink Reply by Judy on December 11, 2009 at 10:52pm

Dear Mom of 2 Angels,

I am so sorry about your daughter; my son died 10 months after her on December 28 also a passenger in a car accident 4 days after his 20th birthday. I believe he is at peace and, like Leslie, that God was there to receive him immediately after the accident. I had a vision several days after he'd died. I was exhausted and in such deep anguish and wanting to know what had happened. Out of nowhere, my father appeared to me (he had died 6 years prior). He did not explain what happened to my son but he greeted me with a joyful expression and then moved away. Behind him stood my son, who gave me a half smile and waved. He told me that it had "all happened so fast." With that, the two of them left together. I think often about the smile that was on my son's face, since it wasn't a full smile like my dad had. As I look back, I think he was probably still in a bit of a daze himself, and couldn't be totally happy knowing how sad we are. I've had later visions where he was very happy, and have gotten the distinct sense he is watching out for us. I'm so grateful for all of this, but there are some days where nothing can comfort me. With the holidays and his birthday (12/24) and then angel day (12/28) all coming up, I am back to crying at the drop of a hat. I still have a hard time believing that this has happened; how can such a strong, wonderful guy with everything going for him be gone in an instant? It's mind-boggling.
I know it must be extra hard on you that your other children have had such a hard time dealing with her death. Have they been to counseling? It's really hard when they're away from home because then they're in a new place with new people and don't know where to turn for comfort. My other son had a hard time when he first went away to college, but is doing better now.
I pray your family will make good choices for your grandson so that he can live a happy and full life. Blessings to you and to everybody on the site. Leslie, thank you for your beautiful insights, and to Sheryl, I am thinking of you and hoping you can find a moment's peace.
Judy

Permalink Reply by Sheryl Hysaw on December 12, 2009 at 12:14am

Thank you Judy. Tonight is a good night. I feel sort of strong. I know that I have to get up and do something. Wether or not it gets easier is up in the air. I just know that I have two other sons and six grandchildren. Derrick had two and his daughter has tons of questions. She was there and every day she ask a question. Here is one you might get a laugh out of. She asked me if her dad was going to be able to use the potty in heaven. Children are so innocent. I myself have never considered whether we use the restroom or not. lol. Yeah, it's a good night. God Bless you all and may we all have a peaceful night. Love ya.

Judy said:

Dear Mom of 2 Angels,

I am so sorry about your daughter; my son died 10 months after her on December 28 also a passenger in a car accident 4 days after his 20th birthday. I believe he is at peace and, like Leslie, that God was there to receive him immediately after the accident. I had a vision several days after he'd died. I was exhausted and in such deep anguish and wanting to know what had happened. Out of nowhere, my father appeared to me (he had died 6 years prior). He did not explain what happened to my son but he greeted me with a joyful expression and then moved away. Behind him stood my son, who gave me a half smile and waved. He told me that it had "all happened so fast." With that, the two of them left together. I think often about the smile that was on my son's face, since it wasn't a full smile like my dad had. As I look back, I think he was probably still in a bit of a daze himself, and couldn't be totally happy knowing how sad we are. I've had later visions where he was very happy, and have gotten the distinct sense he is watching out for us. I'm so grateful for all of this, but there are some days where nothing can comfort me. With the holidays and his birthday (12/24) and then angel day (12/28) all coming up, I am back to crying at the drop of a hat. I still have a hard time believing that this has happened; how can such a strong, wonderful guy with everything going for him be gone in an instant? It's mind-boggling.
I know it must be extra hard on you that your other children have had such a hard time dealing with her death. Have they been to counseling? It's really hard when they're away from home because then they're in a new place with new people and don't know where to turn for comfort. My other son had a hard time when he first went away to college, but is doing better now.
I pray your family will make good choices for your grandson so that he can live a happy and full life. Blessings to you and to everybody on the site. Leslie, thank you for your beautiful insights, and to Sheryl, I am thinking of you and hoping you can find a moment's peace.
Judy

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on December 12, 2009 at 3:29pm

Dear Sheryl,
What a great question from your grand-daughter, lol...I never thought about that either. I don't know how you answered that one...But it does say in the Bible... "{He} shall supply ALL of our needs". Have a great time with your grand-children, you are blessed. {Smile}! .................Leslie

Sheryl Hysaw said:

Thank you Judy. Tonight is a good night. I feel sort of strong. I know that I have to get up and do something. Wether or not it gets easier is up in the air. I just know that I have two other sons and six grandchildren. Derrick had two and his daughter has tons of questions. She was there and every day she ask a question. Here is one you might get a laugh out of. She asked me if her dad was going to be able to use the potty in heaven. Children are so innocent. I myself have never considered whether we use the restroom or not. lol. Yeah, it's a good night. God Bless you all and may we all have a peaceful night. Love ya.

Judy said:
Dear Mom of 2 Angels,

I am so sorry about your daughter; my son died 10 months after her on December 28 also a passenger in a car accident 4 days after his 20th birthday. I believe he is at peace and, like Leslie, that God was there to receive him immediately after the accident. I had a vision several days after he'd died. I was exhausted and in such deep anguish and wanting to know what had happened. Out of nowhere, my father appeared to me (he had died 6 years prior). He did not explain what happened to my son but he greeted me with a joyful expression and then moved away. Behind him stood my son, who gave me a half smile and waved. He told me that it had "all happened so fast." With that, the two of them left together. I think often about the smile that was on my son's face, since it wasn't a full smile like my dad had. As I look back, I think he was probably still in a bit of a daze himself, and couldn't be totally happy knowing how sad we are. I've had later visions where he was very happy, and have gotten the distinct sense he is watching out for us. I'm so grateful for all of this, but there are some days where nothing can comfort me. With the holidays and his birthday (12/24) and then angel day (12/28) all coming up, I am back to crying at the drop of a hat. I still have a hard time believing that this has happened; how can such a strong, wonderful guy with everything going for him be gone in an instant? It's mind-boggling.
I know it must be extra hard on you that your other children have had such a hard time dealing with her death. Have they been to counseling? It's really hard when they're away from home because then they're in a new place with new people and don't know where to turn for comfort. My other son had a hard time when he first went away to college, but is doing better now.
I pray your family will make good choices for your grandson so that he can live a happy and full life. Blessings to you and to everybody on the site. Leslie, thank you for your beautiful insights, and to Sheryl, I am thinking of you and hoping you can find a moment's peace.
Judy

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on December 16, 2009 at 5:20pm

Hello everyone,
Today is one of those days. Here I go again... Can't stop the tears, whats new. I think sometimes this grief just gets overwhelming, and the best thing to do is just go with it...let the tears flow. What else can I do, it's here, it's now, it hurts and it's real. God Bless....Leslie