The loss of a child

Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

• When a Baby Dies

• When an Infant Dies

• When a Teenager Dies

• Youth Suicide: How You Can Help the Survivors

• What Helps When We’re Experiencing the Unthinkable

• Loss of Our Assumptive World

• The Grief of Grandparents

• Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

• After a Tragedy: What Kids Can Do

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by mary on May 31, 2010 at 10:04am

Please see: http://connect.legacy.com/group/lossofachild/forum/topic/show?id=19...

Thank you,
Mary Pitcher

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on May 31, 2010 at 10:07am

Hi,Kristie praying that everything is still good with you. You know our lost was about around the same time. Hope that things are getting a little better with you. I must be one that heartaches last for ever. But I have not given up or forgot about God. I know that God is here or will be there for me. Good hearing from you again Elaine

Permalink Reply by Mary Neary on June 1, 2010 at 4:00am

I lost my son 18 months ago. He was 14 years old at the time and was shot and fatally wounded by a "friend" age 15. He and three other boys went over there after school and the boy got his Dad's guns out and was waving a 44 magnum around. He first put the gun to his own head and pulled the trigger then aimed it at Aidan and pulled the trigger. The bullet went through Aidan and hit another boy. Aidan died 1 hour later. The other boy survived but still has a bullet in his spine. Aidan's best friend was in the other room and ran in and had to hold pressure on the wound until the ambulance arrived. I never saw Aidan alive again. I was called by my husband as he was on the way to the hospital. The police has notified him. We found out later that the boy who shot Aidan had been carrying loaded guns to school in his back pack. He was sentenced to murder and convicted of criminallly negligent homicide. He was sentenced to 2 years in a juvenile facility. He had already been getting out on passes. His parents brought him to our church. They never went there before but are going there now. It has been extremely painful for me to see him in the community. My faith has sustained me in my grief but this has made me more angry at God than anything. It just feels like too much, the straw that broke the camel's back. I have had to go through so much grief and loss and anger and now I have to face my son's killer in a place that has brought me spiritual solace.
Aidan was our only son. He was a cancer survivor too. He had leukemia as a young child and was wise beyond his years. He was kind and funny and had a sharp witty sense of humor. His friends loved him as did his family of course. He loved animals and wouldn't even kill a bug. That is why when we heard he had been shot we were shocked and confused. We had no idea about this friend of his. We heard later that the boy who killed him had been depressed and suicidal and had a dark fascination with guns and things that go boom. He also had been drinking and using drugs.
We have a daughter also. She is 19 and going off to college in the Fall. Aidan died in December of her senior year and she decided to take a year off because she didn't want to leave us. They were very close.
I miss Aidan so much that my heart aches. I think of him all the time and when I see his friends I wonder what Aidan would have been doing if he were still alive, what would he decide to do with his life, how tall would he be, what would our relationship be like. My husband is sufferring greatly with this loss also. He and Aidan were very close. It is so cruel that we almost lost him from the leukemia and then so senselessly to such a reckless act.
I try to find joy in every day but I don't waste time doing things that are not meaningful to me. Losing Aidan has taught me what matters in life and that is love, friendship, truth, and faith. My heart goes out to all here who have sufferred the loss of a beloved child.
Thank you for bearing with me and just reading through this post if you made it this far.
Mary

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on June 1, 2010 at 7:50am

Dear Mary...

You know Hun, I am right here with you...I feel the pain in your words. It must be hard for you to try and worship. How can you get any relief at all? There must be a reason for it, but God only knows what it might be. You must be pretty powerful in your faith, to be under this kind of spiritual attack. Gerry said in a letter not to long ago, about "us" (moms) having a special bond between us; those of us who have lost our sons and daughters. We share the deepest of pains, and we share the intimacy of loss that only we can know. And like now the only ones we have to speak with that could truely understand.
The thought that helps me deal with this the most, is ..."knowing our time {was} set from the begining". There is/was nothing I could have done to change my circumstance. And that God didn't take our sons... He recieved our sons.
My life changed forever on April 29th, 2007... the emptiness is unbearable at times. I have three children...my whole life was my kids. When people say live for the other two, (32yrs daughter, 24 yrs youngest son) Jordan was my middle son, he passed at 23 yrs old, he'd be 26 now. But they don't understand what they are saying. I haven't stopped living for my other two kids; it's just {one third of my life is now gone}, and that will take time to heal.
Like you said about no limbs, phantom pains they call it. I still see things in a store and think "Jordan will like this". Put it in the basket, and then stop and relize all over again he is really gone. For the longest time, when I was finally able to sleep; that split second in the morning before you fully wake up...he was alive. And then before I finished stretching it would hit me like a brick, "My son is gone, he's really gone".
I understand, I truly do and my heart breaks for you and so many others here on this site. Just know I am grieving with you, you are not alone. I will keep you in my prayers...please keep me in yours.

Mary Neary said:

I lost my son 18 months ago. He was 14 years old at the time and was shot and fatally wounded by a "friend" age 15. He and three other boys went over there after school and the boy got his Dad's guns out and was waving a 44 magnum around. He first put the gun to his own head and pulled the trigger then aimed it at Aidan and pulled the trigger. The bullet went through Aidan and hit another boy. Aidan died 1 hour later. The other boy survived but still has a bullet in his spine. Aidan's best friend was in the other room and ran in and had to hold pressure on the wound until the ambulance arrived. I never saw Aidan alive again. I was called by my husband as he was on the way to the hospital. The police has notified him. We found out later that the boy who shot Aidan had been carrying loaded guns to school in his back pack. He was sentenced to murder and convicted of criminallly negligent homicide. He was sentenced to 2 years in a juvenile facility. He had already been getting out on passes. His parents brought him to our church. They never went there before but are going there now. It has been extremely painful for me to see him in the community. My faith has sustained me in my grief but this has made me more angry at God than anything. It just feels like too much, the straw that broke the camel's back. I have had to go through so much grief and loss and anger and now I have to face my son's killer in a place that has brought me spiritual solace.
Aidan was our only son. He was a cancer survivor too. He had leukemia as a young child and was wise beyond his years. He was kind and funny and had a sharp witty sense of humor. His friends loved him as did his family of course. He loved animals and wouldn't even kill a bug. That is why when we heard he had been shot we were shocked and confused. We had no idea about this friend of his. We heard later that the boy who killed him had been depressed and suicidal and had a dark fascination with guns and things that go boom. He also had been drinking and using drugs.
We have a daughter also. She is 19 and going off to college in the Fall. Aidan died in December of her senior year and she decided to take a year off because she didn't want to leave us. They were very close.
I miss Aidan so much that my heart aches. I think of him all the time and when I see his friends I wonder what Aidan would have been doing if he were still alive, what would he decide to do with his life, how tall would he be, what would our relationship be like. My husband is sufferring greatly with this loss also. He and Aidan were very close. It is so cruel that we almost lost him from the leukemia and then so senselessly to such a reckless act.
I try to find joy in every day but I don't waste time doing things that are not meaningful to me. Losing Aidan has taught me what matters in life and that is love, friendship, truth, and faith. My heart goes out to all here who have sufferred the loss of a beloved child.
Thank you for bearing with me and just reading through this post if you made it this far.
Mary

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on June 8, 2010 at 7:32pm

For My Son Ric..who died 9 months ago today.

Today was just like any other day. I tossed and turned and woke up about 6:00 am...the sun was shining through the closed blinds. I did not want to get up. As I fell asleep again,you were on my mind.Several hours later my eyes finally opened and I was being given a thousand kisses by my four legged friend,it was time to start my day. I still find it strange how I am able to function and manage to do mundane chores, and do the things I need to do in order to survive. My day seems normal to those who are close to me, and to strangers that I meet. They have no clue that another part of me died today, and I am one day closer to being with you. It is nine months today that God chose to bring you back home. At first I blamed him and the drunk driver who took your life. Now I realize it was written even before you were born. I only pray I am given the strength to endure and to learn until we are together again.

I love you,
Mom

To all here, you are the only ones who understand. Thank you all for being so kind
God Be With You

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on June 8, 2010 at 8:18pm

Gerry, dear Gerry, i am close to you on this day. Yes, only by Grace we are able to keep going through life, the way we feel we are - half alive, half dead.
Much love, Gerry, and a hug from my heart to yours. God bless you.

Gerry Fiden said:

For My Son Ric..who died 9 months ago today.

Today was just like any other day. I tossed and turned and woke up about 6:00 am...the sun was shining through the closed blinds. I did not want to get up. As I fell asleep again,you were on my mind.Several hours later my eyes finally opened and I was being given a thousand kisses by my four legged friend,it was time to start my day. I still find it strange how I am able to function and manage to do mundane chores, and do the things I need to do in order to survive. My day seems normal to those who are close to me, and to strangers that I meet. They have no clue that another part of me died today, and I am one day closer to being with you. It is nine months today that God chose to bring you back home. At first I blamed him and the drunk driver who took your life. Now I realize it was written even before you were born. I only pray I am given the strength to endure and to learn until we are together again.

I love you,
Mom

To all here, you are the only ones who understand. Thank you all for being so kind
God Be With You

Permalink Reply by LuLu on June 10, 2010 at 1:29pm

Today is my daughter's 36th birthday - she left me on March 22 - it has been 11 weeks and I am broken - when I brought April home from the hospital, her 2 year old brother could not pronounce her name - also, the drops they had put into her eyes made her eyes swell up - so I would talk to her like you do a baby...saying "precious little puff ball" - my son heard this and could say Puff so he started calling her that - from then forward, everyone called her Puff or Puffy, including her teachers, until she was in high school - then her friends started calling her April - but I stayed with Puff. She always loved for me to call her that and told me so...of course, when she was small I would sing Puff the Magic Dragon to her all of the time - she had dragon toys and dragon birthday parties...she loved that dragon...even had them play it for her at her wedding and she and I laughed and danced to it...for her birthday, I have changed the words some - but want to send out a tribute to my beautiful little Puff:

A dragon lives forever, not so little girls

Angel winds and dancing things make way for other toys

One March day it happened, Precious April danced no more

And Puff that Magic Dragon ceased her fearless roar

Her head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain

April could no longer bear any of life's pain

Without her lifelong friend, Puff could not be brave

So Puff that mighty dragon, sadly slipped into her cave

Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter - not a minute goes by that I am not thinking of you or remembering times we shared...you have left us all torn and broken hearted, but I know that was not your intention....I hope you are at peace...I love you forever and ever Puff...Love Mom

Permalink Reply by Kelly Farrar on June 27, 2010 at 9:14pm

I lost my only son who was 5 days away from 31 years old. he was a wonderful son, good kid, had many years playing football, he loved the Pigskin. I am greiving so badly I can understand how NO PARENT wants to lose their only or any child. My son died march 20th, 2010. I think of him 24/7, pictures, trophies line my walls, his baby pictures and all thru are also up. I never thought I would lose my son Ken but I did. I cry non-stop. What could i have done? Nothing he was a grown man. I pray for every parent that has lost an only or any child. It is heart-wrenching, you are never the same, you mourn terrible. I have my sons ashes right next to my head at night when I go to sleep, and many many, fond memories. When my precious son passed away we were getting along so well. I Love & Miss You Son. R.I.P. 3-25-79 to 3-20-2010. Your Mother, Kelly

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on June 27, 2010 at 11:12pm

Dear Kelly, with all my heart i am close to you, i am with you as i keep the memory of the same March 20. A hug and love.

Kelly Farrar said:

I lost my only son who was 5 days away from 31 years old. he was a wonderful son, good kid, had many years playing football, he loved the Pigskin. I am greiving so badly I can understand how NO PARENT wants to lose their only or any child. My son died march 20th, 2010. I think of him 24/7, pictures, trophies line my walls, his baby pictures and all thru are also up. I never thought I would lose my son Ken but I did. I cry non-stop. What could i have done? Nothing he was a grown man. I pray for every parent that has lost an only or any child. It is heart-wrenching, you are never the same, you mourn terrible. I have my sons ashes right next to my head at night when I go to sleep, and many many, fond memories. When my precious son passed away we were getting along so well. I Love & Miss You Son. R.I.P. 3-25-79 to 3-20-2010. Your Mother, Kelly

Permalink Reply by Kelly Farrar on June 28, 2010 at 5:37pm

amaryllis said:

Dear Kelly, with all my heart i am close to you, i am with you as i keep the memory of the same March 20. A hug and love.

Kelly Farrar said:
I lost my only son who was 5 days away from 31 years old. he was a wonderful son, good kid, had many years playing football, he loved the Pigskin. I am greiving so badly I can understand how NO PARENT wants to lose their only or any child. My son died march 20th, 2010. I think of him 24/7, pictures, trophies line my walls, his baby pictures and all thru are also up. I never thought I would lose my son Ken but I did. I cry non-stop. What could i have done? Nothing he was a grown man. I pray for every parent that has lost an only or any child. It is heart-wrenching, you are never the same, you mourn terrible. I have my sons ashes right next to my head at night when I go to sleep, and many many, fond memories. When my precious son passed away we were getting along so well. I Love & Miss You Son. R.I.P. 3-25-79 to 3-20-2010. Your Mother, Kelly

Permalink Reply by JoAnna on June 30, 2010 at 10:11pm

kristi said:

THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND I HOPE WE CAN KEEP WRITING,IT HELPS WHEN I CAN TALK ABOUT THIS,YES MY SON WOULD OF TURNED 18 ON SEPT 12TH THIS YEAR AND MY FRIEND SHE HAS BEEN MY SUPPORT AND FRIEND THROU OUT THIS I WOULD OF NEVER ASKED FOR A BETTER FRIEND.I WORK AT A NURSING HOME AND WHEN MY SON DIED,I WENT BACK LIKE 2 OR 3 TIMES BEFORE I WENT BACK TO WORK THAT WAY THE RESIDENTS WERENT WORRIED ABOUT ME WHEN I CAME BACK,AND EASED MINE AND THERE MINDS THAT WE WERE OK.THAN I WENT BACK,MY FRIEND SAYS I AM A STRONG WOMAN,I DONT CRY AT WORK THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT IS BECAUSE ONE OF ARE NURSES AT WORK LOST HER HUSBAND TO A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT AND SHE DIDNT COME IN TO VISIT THE RESIDENTS BEFORE SHE CAME BACK TO WORK AND SHE WAS CRYING ALL THE TIME WHEN PEOPLE ASKED HOW SHE WAS,ME I DONT BECAUSE I DONT WANT THE RESIDENTS TO FILL PITTY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM SAD,SO I TAKE MY SONS BIRTHDAY OFF,I PUT UP A ADOPT A HIGHWAY SIGN FOR HIM,AND ALL MY RELATIVES COME UP THE WEEKEND THAT HE WAS SHOT SO I HAVE COMPANY AROUND SO I AM DESTRACTED BUT THIS YEAR THE DATE FALLS ON A TUESDAY 0CT 7TH SO WE ALL STAY HOME THAT DAY AND ON HIS BIRTHDAY MY SON SAYS HE CELEBRATES MY OTHER SONS BIRTHDAY BY STAYING HOME LIKE HE USE TO DO AND ME AND MY HUSBAND DECIDED TO LET HIM DO THAT,IF HE WANTS TO REMEMBER HIM LIKE THAT,I MAKE HIM A CAKE WE GO OUT TO THE CEMETARY AND SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HIM.AND GIVE HIM SOME.WELL I WILL TELL YOU MY HUSBAND IS A TEACHER AND IT IS HARD FOR HIM TO BECAUSE HE DOESNT TALK ABOUT MY SON LIKE I DO,HE PLAYS WARCRAFT A GAME ON THE COMPUTER BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY USE TO DO TOGETHER.WELL THANK YOU FOR LISTENING AND I HOPE WE DO KEEP IN TOUCH THANKS FOR LISTENING KRISTI

Permalink Reply by Ellen Blair on July 1, 2010 at 10:00am

I know exactly what you are talking about. I lost my son in April of this year. He was only a month from his 38th birthday when he was killed in an apartment fire. He was my only son and I loved him more than life itself! I have had to fight to get toxicology reports, autopsy, reports, and the police report is still pending. Meanwhile arrangements have had to be made and the insurance companies use the lack of reports to delay payment. I just want a full nights sleep with nightmares. How does something like this just strike out of the blue? I miss him so much sometimes I can hardly breathe.