Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

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HI,I HAVE BEEN ON HERE,BUT I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK PEOPLE OK?IN 2 WEEKS I WILL BE GOING DOWN TO ST.PAUL FOR MY DADS BIRTHDAY,ME MY HUSBAND AND MY TWO CHILDREN,WHAT I AM DOING IS HAVING ANXIETY BECAUSE MY SON PASSED AWAY 2 AND A HALF YEARS AGO AND THIS IS THE FIRST TRIP WE WILL BE MAKING WITH OUT HIM,HOW DO I GET OVER THIS ANXIETY?I NEED TO KNOW FROM SOMEONE THAT HAS LOST SOMEONE AND HAS BEEN ON ATRIP WITH OUT YOUR LOVED ONE,ESPECIALLY A CHILD WERE HE SHOULD OF BEEN HERE,HE SHOULDNT OF BEEN GONE YET.HE WAS 16 AND HE GOT SHOT BY HIS FRIEND ON OCT6TH,2006 INCASE SOMEONE WANTED TO KNOW OK.THANKS AND HOPE TO SEE YA ON HERE SOON.KRISTI
Kristi, Hi, Its Linda. First, i didnt realize you were in MN. Thats my home state,born in st.paul, and raised in White Bear Lk. Small world.Now back to your question. I havent taken a trip, so to speak, but have gone a few places that were "Joes", and it is difficult. What I did was really focus on the fun things he did, or said. talk about a funny situation or something he may have said, and then laugh about it. Keep the good things going. he is with you and is watching you, so he will be a part of the festivities. Keep writting to him, I do it all the time. I had some transittions this week too. First I sold our wheelchair van, and that was hard. we worked very hard to get ti and it has alot of memories in it.But Joe doesnt need it anymore, since he is no longer sick. Then yesterday I gave a nice dad his hospital bed, wheelchair , and hoyer lift, to use for his son who is terminally ill, age 7. These are baby steps, but I feel good about it. I always remember to look up in the sky, see the bright star, and know who it is. Just remember to focus on the good times, let them make you happy(as much as possible), and celebrate knowing he is with you.You do have the other kids, and i am sure they feel their own sadness. You will get through. Keep smiling, he is watching and wanting you to smile.
dear linda,i grew up in east st.paul went to johnson high school graduated in 1982,my last name was huffman,i have a older brother and sister.i have cousins that live in white bear lake to.thank you and you can keep writing if you want to,i hope i do good i have 2 weeks left before i go.well take care and write when you can kristi
Hi Kristi,

The first trip my husband and I took after Laura passed was a vacation to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina. We hadn't had a real vacation since our children were all home with us. Mike and I felt so guilty about "going away", like we should be feeling any peace or pleasure. We live in Maine, so S.C. is an 18 hour trip. Our son lived in D.C. at the time, so we spent a few nights with him and then were off to our timeshare in Myrtle Beach. It was April (off season for MB), and it was unseasonable warm. Locals kept saying how warm and nice it was for that time of year. We spent a great deal of time recuperating; just breathing again.

The next April we went to Williamsburg and Gettysburg (we're history buffs) as a retreat. Again, the weather was unusually warm and we were able to relax and enjoy our trip. I could go on about other trips that were enjoyable for us, but the message is Kristi, that for "some reason" we were always so pleasantly surprising as to how well things turned out (and some interesting connections). Please don't feel guilty about any enjoyment or pleasure you feel from this occasion. You deserve some pleasure and I bet your son in Heaven would be smiling as you all celebrate your dad's birthday.

I know its hard Kristi - say a "Happy Birthday" to your dad from all of us.

Hugs,
Cynthia
thank you for the reply,i dont know my anxiety lately gets the best of me,just thinking of all the grandkids down there with my dad and my son is not there but in spirit you know?i feel like we are leaving him up here to watch over the house and to help us on this trip.what i am going to do is put a picture of my son in the glove box or in my purse so i know that he is with us.thanks and i will let everyone know how it goes,but i do have 2 weeks before i go i will still be on here for awhile before i go,thanks and keep writeing ok.thanks kristi
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours

and not expect to get over my son's death,

but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.




Just for today I will remember my son's life, not just his death,

and in the comfort of all those treasured days

and moments we shared.




Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends

who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.


They truly did not know how.




Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,

for maybe if I smile a little,

my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.




Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my son,

for they are hurting too,

and perhaps we can help each other.




Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,

for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world

I could of done to save my son from death,

I would of done it.




Just for today I will honor my son's memory

by doing something with another child

because I know that would make my own son proud.




Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship

to another bereaved parent

for I do know how they feel.




Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,

I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving

and the only reason I hurt is because

I had the privilege of loving my son so much



Just for today I will not compare myself with others.


I am fortunate to be who I am

and have had my son for as long as I did.




Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,

for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.




Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my son did,

my life did go on,

and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more
Twila, This is beautiful! Wonderful words to live by. Great Job
I have been having a hard week I have been really crying I miss my son so much..I must have laid in bed for two days and never went to work..I dont think I can make it without him..I dont know how to deal with this pain the heartache is so hard..I miss him so much. I read all these books but nothing makes me feel better and I dont know what to do..I feel like Im losing it. Its been 12 weeks now and I miss my son more then ever..I cant even pray I am going crazy and people say time it takes time but the more time passes it seems to get harder..I'm going today to sit with him I have to I know he is not laying there but I miss him so much so much...Can someone tell me what I can do or how to deal with it I know there is no magic words to change how you feel but I dont think I can make it..its the coping with the feeling and knowing he is not here anymore. and asking why him and not me god should have took me first..What can you do what..I'm just overwhemled with all these feelings what can I do...
Twila,
I am very sorry to hear that this has been a difficult week for you. The loss is still very new and I thought the same thing when I lost my son. I would ask god why my son, when there are people who are sitting in prison, take them, leave my son. I still struggle with it and it has been 14 years. I have found that talking about things to anyone has helped me over the years. So if you ever just want to talk let me know.
Tanya
You are waking out of that numb state, and the reality that he is really gone is starting to get to you. you start raplaying every moment from the time of his death just to check, "has he really been gone everyday these past weeks, or was he here one day, did i see him one moment?" The answer is a resounding no. That's where yo have to hold on tight. Because here comes the rest of your life and all of its demands, and your son is no longer one of them. For me, this was a very difficult period and still is, because my life revolved around my son and his treatment, and my treatment.( i wanted to get better so that I could be better for him) How do you go from the whole purpose of your being, to just simply being. Being what? Being who? You were your son's mother. The best thing that happened for me at this stage was that I realized that even in Elijah's death, although it makes other people uncomfortable and they dont want to deal with his passing, I dont have to stop being his mother, and it was around that time that i started working on the memorial page and found legacy connect. Also I had an older cousin that lost my baby cousin when she was about my son's age, and she really said the things I needed to hear to go through this process, because even though the samantics in our circumstances of loss are different, I was able to connect with her because she lost a child. She referred me to compassionate friends. And for the most part, I had simply just been leafing through the material, but I know that I need and I am ready to go to a meeting now. Last week I sat at my computer crying for hours because I was going over TCF service materials, and they were talking about their walk to remember. And the realization that I could be on that walk merely remembering my son just felt like highway robbery. But tcf did not rob me, and they are offering services to help individuals like us heal. You just have to be strong enough to let yourself heal. I had to ask myself "heal for what?' For right now the weakest answer is my little girl. But you cannot compare one child's life to anothers. But perhaps in staying strong for her and hanging in there, I'll find the bigger purpose that God has for me. God. Now that is another issue. "Why in fate did he have to die?" The sad part about it is that you were right, the author of life and death demanded your son's soul before yours. This has really helped me with my faith though. Because everyday, I have to resolve to get through the day without Elijah, and some days I do it well, I take care of my business and myself, and others days not so well. I stay in the bed locked in the house all day. (not the business, and I highly discourage this behavior.) Because it perpetuates the accusers stronghold on you. God said to rejoice, to praise him, to rejoice death. It's harsh to face in the life of your own child, but if you have faith then you must realize that these are commands from God. But this is just my thing. I have a call to ministry laid in my heart, and I am trying to see my way there as clearly as I did before my son passed. Your son would not want to see you grieving and so sad because he not sad anymore. Has your son ever went on a trip without you accompanying him? Do you remember perhaps how you tried to call him, and he was so preoccupied with the joy and happiness of his surroundings that you couldn't even keep him on the phone. The fact that he wanted off the phone doesn't mean that he loved or cared for you less, it just meant that his surroundings offered him so much joy, that he was totally immersed in it.
Wishing our loved one's back, grieving forever, it's sin. And it's an insult to those who practice faith. Six months ago, I never thought I could say this to anyone. But you have to move on. Somedays I use my son's investigation as an excuse to not move forward.(we are still in the middle of a very heated investigation, its a circus here.) But in reality, I am still responsible f
I am having a hard time right now some days are not so bad. But I miss my son so much and the reality of it is that I will not see him again and that is really hard to deal with. I feel like I cant make it with out him and it hurts so much. I miss him so much. I have always had faith in my life because my life was not easy and I have had many hard times that I had to pray and it did get better for me. I thought I was passed some hard times and I got some peace but then I lost my son. How can it be I will never understand all I know now is my heart aches for my son and I hate that we have to live to die... I miss him so much I dont know what to do I feel so lost and I will never feel whole again. He was a mama's boy because he was my only son and I spoiled him and we had a close a relationship and he could tell me anything and I miss that. It seems my life has not been easy at all I have had a hard time in my life and it always seemed like I had to do more to get ahead and work harder. Nothing came easy for me but what ever does. So that is why I question my faith now..my heart cant take it anymore..i miss him so much what can I do but cry and cry..it is really hard and everyone grieves different and I will grieve forever because that was my child and I gave him life and carried him for 9 months. He was my joy and not that my other children were not but you just dont feel whole with one missing because everything I did in my life was for them to have a better life and not have to struggle. I know my son would not want me hurting so much but he knew I would without him what can you do what!!! my heart just hurts so much...all I do is think of him and miss him so much. I know other mother understand who have walked in these shoes of losing a child its hard. It is just so hard at first. I really need to vent and Im not ready for support groups yet and people here understand and know what I am going though. and I read all the messages it helps me to understand I hurt for them because I know how you feel.
thank your listening to me thank you
After reading your comments Twila, I understand perfectly what you're experiencing. My son Ashton, was my only child. He died at the age of 24 last november. His birthday is Monday the 16th and i'm feeling it really hard this weekend. But i've started Grief counseling and it has been a tremendous help to me in understanding this journey called Grief. I pray that God gives you the comfort that you need and desire at this time, because He is the only one that can get you through this valley. I too was in denial for a time regarding getting whatever help I needed to get me through this. I reached out and some one came to my aid with the help I needed. The organization is called GriefShare. It's bible based and I can truly say, it covers every stage of the grieving process, even the things we may not be aware of. I invite you to go to their website and sign up for the daily devotionals and there's lots of reading material that you can also acquire that would be very instrumental in your healing. The web address is GriefShare.org and you also can find a group in your area by just putting in your zipcode. I encourage you to seek them out, I'm sure it'll be helpful to you. There are days I can't and won't leave my bedroom, and that's ok, because it's ok, to greive the way you feel comfortable with at any time. But know that there is also joy there waiting for you too. I look now for ways to honor my son's memory in the way he lived his life and was a great joy and blessing to so many people. This is how I manage to find some good from low time in my life.
I pray for you and will be thinking of you that God hears you and comforts you daily. There's a book I purchased from the site call "Gone But Not Lost" Grieving The Lost of a Child", it was very good in helping me understand my child's death and the purpose of grief and knowing that the Lord has joy for us all.

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