Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on September 13, 2009 at 5:37pm

Dear Sue...
I am here grieving with you. I remember being angry only at myself. I think the only way I stopped that was the thought "OUR TIME IS SET FROM THE BEGINING". I hope so, and all we have is hope. Hope through faith that we will see them again. God Bless you. .....Leslie

Sue said:

Dear Judy,
I haven't finished my son's gravestone either. It has only been a year, but it is hard to decide because it will be there forever. Take your time. There is no rush. My daughter and her husband are paying for it, thank god, because it will be over $4,000. My son's funeral was over $11,000 so this is a relief, somewhat. It kills me every day thinking about his death and what he must have gone thru. when drowning. His body had some abrasions, but that might have been from being tossed into the back seat after unbuckling his seat belt, or he was fighting to get out. I will probably never know. The thing was, was when I had to identify him, his neck was really swollen and on the autopsy there was no mention of a cerebral spinal compression and noone except my family doctor has been able to tell me why. It is my doctors opinion that he must have had that compression due to the impact after the car went into the water and dropped 40 feet , then turning over and landing on the roof. I need to know...hopefully someday I will find out, somehow, ....
I am also starting to feel angry.
I know it's "normal" but I hate this so much, this whole thing.
Sincerely, Sue

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on September 13, 2009 at 7:20pm

I wish people in prison could read what they've done to the family's like yours. How senseless. How mindless. I pray they catch him, and never let him out. I am so sad for you. My heart breaks for you. Praise God someday we will see them again. That is the only thing that keeps me going; knowing I have to be as worthy as my son Jordan was/is to get there. That is my prayer for all of us. God Bless You!...... Leslie

ANTONES MOM said:

and boy do i feel alone.....
thank you for your kind words, and let me begin by telling you how very sorry i am for your loss.
I saw my son 20 minutes before he was murdered. i came home from the store and he was standing outside waiting for his friend.I spoke with him briefly and went inside and began to make dinner. i called him to see if he was still outside to tell him to come in and eat before he left, but he didnt answer. I called and called but no answer. five minutes later i got the call from a neighbor that i better come outside, my son had been shot. At that moment my worst fear came over me and terror filled my heart. by the time i ran ourside they had already taken him to the hospital where i work. he died moments later. So there i am standing in the middle of the street, not knowing what happened, did he suffer, was he scared, was he calling for me to help him and i wasnt there. my son died face down in the dirt, shot to death and i wasnt there to save him. the police woulnt tell me where they took him for 4 hours while they questioned us at the police station. and i didnt know he had died the entire time. I cant image how terrified my son must have been to bleed to death on the sidewalk all alone. This is what i live with every second of the day and night. pure torture...... my only purpose in life was to protect my boy, and i failed. I "what if" myself to death,why didnt i tell him to come in when i saw him outside, what if i would have come home just 15 minutes later, i could have saved him. these are my thoughts every second of every day for the past two years. how could someone do this to him, to me to us? what kind of person can take anothers life and not think twice about it? my son was the kindest person i ever knew, all he ever wanted to do was make people laugh. he carried so much love in his soul. and in one instant he was gone. the world will never know what they are missing now that he is gone. he will never live his life, get married or have children of his own, and he will never call me mom again. what did we ever do to deserve this? my heart just cant take it.......

Judy said:

Dear Antones Mom,
I am deeply sorry for your loss and have a pretty good idea of what you're going through. My son was killed in a drunk driving accident, and we still have to face the court date when the driver of the car will be tried, and I dread that. It is hard to lose anyone we love, but there is something so much more difficult about losing a child or anyone who has not lived a long and full life. And, without doubt, it is not natural for a parent to bury his/her child. I feel the pain of wanting my son to have the experiences he will not have, like getting married, having children, graduating from college, exploring. For you, your pain is especially difficult because someone is responsible for his death, and you have no idea who it is. I pray that law enforcement is doing its job, looking for your son's killer, so you can turn your attention to yourself and grieve. I'm glad you came to this site; it has helped me because I know that I am not alone in my feelings. We all share similar feelings though the circumstances of death were not the same. I, too, went through a period of withdraw

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on September 13, 2009 at 7:38pm

I visited your web-site, What a Beautiful boy....Leslie

Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Kristi,here is the website again. I was missing one period. (http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/wemissyoukrisJP/homepage.aspx) Lets see if this one works. Elaine

Permalink Reply by Blake's Mom on September 13, 2009 at 9:40pm

My oldest son, Blake, 20 died from injuries from a motorcycle accident, 06/07/09. My youngest son, his girlfriend and my husband and myself were in Florida on vacation. Blake had just started a new job, 3 months, and could not take off to go. My heart is broken. I have a hard time with everything. Blake still lived at home. I have not ever had a birthday or holiday without him. His birthday 10/14, he would have been 21. I am not sure what we should do for his birthday. I have joined Compassionate Friends. Which helps to let me know others feel the same as I do. As you can tell, my thoughts are all over the place.

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on September 13, 2009 at 10:31pm

Hi Leslie,thanks for viewing kris web site. It really helps and comfort me. I can go back and remember some the happy occasions together when Kris was here with me. My heart goes out for you Leslie and also Kristi. I pray and ask God for strength for all who has lost a child. If you never been through it than you don't know how we feel. Take care Leslie and Kristi because God will be with us until the end Elaine

Leslie L. Fiorda said:

I visited your web-site, What a Beautiful boy....Leslie

Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Kristi,here is the website again. I was missing one period. (http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/wemissyoukrisJP/homepage.aspx) Lets see if this one works. Elaine

Permalink Reply by kristi on September 13, 2009 at 10:40pm

hi elaine.i made it thou the day with tears all day down my face.i couldnt sleep i havent eaten much so maybe i lost weight.but happy birthday late if i am saying it right it was your birthday not kris's right?thank you for your concern and my prayers are with everyone that lost a child.my heart pounded today while i was a church this couple lost there son for about an hour and a half but the church prayed and than they called about an hour later and said they found him.i guess prayers do work.but thanks for your concern and i hope you are doing good to.thanks againkristi
Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Hi Leslie,thanks for viewing kris web site. It really helps and comfort me. I can go back and remember some the happy occasions together when Kris was here with me. My heart goes out for you Leslie and also Kristi. I pray and ask God for strength for all who has lost a child. If you never been through it than you don't know how we feel. Take care Leslie and Kristi because God will be with us until the end Elaine

Leslie L. Fiorda said:

I visited your web-site, What a Beautiful boy....Leslie

Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Kristi,here is the website again. I was missing one period. (http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/wemissyoukrisJP/homepage.aspx) Lets see if this one works. Elaine

Permalink Reply by mary on September 14, 2009 at 12:24am

I just found out my oldest son is going to have a baby. My 2nd son just bought a house and because my heart is still broken from the loss of Vincent and Stephen, I am having a very hard time being at all happy. I dont know how to get myself out of this...It just seems as though everyone is getting on with their lives but me... Im still so sick and depressed. I don't know how to act like I am happy for them but I want to be... I just can't right now. Is that wrong?

Blake's Mom said:

My oldest son, Blake, 20 died from injuries from a motorcycle accident, 06/07/09. My youngest son, his girlfriend and my husband and myself were in Florida on vacation. Blake had just started a new job, 3 months, and could not take off to go. My heart is broken. I have a hard time with everything. Blake still lived at home. I have not ever had a birthday or holiday without him. His birthday 10/14, he would have been 21. I am not sure what we should do for his birthday. I have joined Compassionate Friends. Which helps to let me know others feel the same as I do. As you can tell, my thoughts are all over the place.

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on September 14, 2009 at 6:44am

Hi Kristi,I know about the feelings in church. The songs in church really bring back memories. My kids was brought up in church in the kids choir.I knew it would be heartache and pain for you on Sept. 12th. I cried because Kris was not here with me for my birthday. I miss this child so much. No one could ever know except the lost of a child mom and dad. I will keep praying for strength for the whole family of us that has lost a child or children. No matter how or when,because they are still our kids and grief has no time limits or cut off time Elaine.

kristi said:

hi elaine.i made it thou the day with tears all day down my face.i couldnt sleep i havent eaten much so maybe i lost weight.but happy birthday late if i am saying it right it was your birthday not kris's right?thank you for your concern and my prayers are with everyone that lost a child.my heart pounded today while i was a church this couple lost there son for about an hour and a half but the church prayed and than they called about an hour later and said they found him.i guess prayers do work.but thanks for your concern and i hope you are doing good to.thanks againkristi
Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Hi Leslie,thanks for viewing kris web site. It really helps and comfort me. I can go back and remember some the happy occasions together when Kris was here with me. My heart goes out for you Leslie and also Kristi. I pray and ask God for strength for all who has lost a child. If you never been through it than you don't know how we feel. Take care Leslie and Kristi because God will be with us until the end Elaine

Leslie L. Fiorda said:

I visited your web-site, What a Beautiful boy....Leslie

Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Kristi,here is the website again. I was missing one period. (http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/wemissyoukrisJP/homepage.aspx) Lets see if this one works. Elaine

Permalink Reply by Judy on September 14, 2009 at 10:04am

Dear Blake's Mom,
I am so deeply sorry to hear of the los of your son. My son was also 20 when he was killed in a car accident. His 21st birthday will be December 24 and the first anniversay of his death 4 days later on December 28. I have been where you are now and understand the feeling of helplessness and of just being so scattered that the simplest decision is impossible. I was lucky because I don't work, so had much flexibility to grieve as I needed. After he first died, I tried very hard to keep things in balance for myself and my other two kids and husband. When the kids were at school, I would write, cry, read and scream occassionally. I found that if I didn't take the time to do that, I would get completely stressed out. It's been 8 months now, and I still pretty much do the same things but don't feel so out of control. I go to counselling with my husband and visit this site often because it helps to be able to relate my feelings to others who have experienced the same feelings I have. What also helps me is the very strong feeling that my son is watching over us and that we will see him again. We are all on a roller coaster of emotion; it is all normal and we all have to grieve in our own way. My therapist said it takes about two years to get to the point of learning to live with it; we will never get over it, but we can experience happiness and live a full life. I believe this is what my son would have wanted for me and the rest of my family. I'm trying (not always succeeding) to live a life that he would've been proud of. He had uncanny insights for a young man his age, and I feel he can live on if we try to understand some of them.
To Mary: I can understand how hard it must be to think of a new child coming with all of the joy that normally entails when you're still grieving so deeply for your two sons. You had a double blow, dear Mary, and my heart aches for you. I've thought of you every day since you wrote your post last week knowing how hard things must be. It would be nice if life could stop for awhile, but it doesn't. My guess is that as you slowly accustom yourself to the new baby, you will truly share in the joy of it. Take care, and God bless you.

Permalink Reply by mary on September 14, 2009 at 11:23am

Thank you Judy....
I know life doesnt stop...it just seems as though it did...sometimes I wish I could just scream and make it all the way it was. It wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination...but everyone was here together.
I guess I, like most of you, just get up and pray that God gives you the strength to carry on and take away anxiety...moving forward is just still so hard to think about for me.
My Mother said over and over again.."life is for the living". I never understood why she kept saying that..but I know now. I've tried so hard to carry on without drugs of any kind. I don't drink... I just can't..yuck...but I wish there was a way to take the pain away. Thankfully, when I go to bed at night my prayers lull me to sleep..so I can rest, but the minute I wake up..their death is the first thing I think about. I force myself to get ready to go see the world..but the world just isnt the same, ya know? I've never been the type that was easily distracted by other things either, when there was something on my mind, so it's very hard.
The skate park is turning into a battle with local govt. and I am trying to muster the strength to get through it...but this part is very draining as I am not emotionally or physically up to snuff because of what my body and mind has endured with a very serious divorce, my mother's and father's death, all my aunt's passing away and Vince & Stephen's death all within 7 years. I know everyone goes through deaths...but geez? My umphhh is gone...and I have to get it back!

People used to tell me all the time with four sons they didnt know how i did it and remained sane. I always told them that probably when they were all out of the house and things were quiet... I would go insane I am so used to the noise and chaos! Well....this is a major test for me...two are on their own and two are gone forever...I never thought the feeling of empty nest would be like this!

When you all think about your children who have passed away...what gives you comfort? Are there little things that you do that make you feel happy? I need some suggestions for things that might be able to help us all!

Thanks everyone!
Mary P

Judy said:

Dear Blake's Mom,
I am so deeply sorry to hear of the los of your son. My son was also 20 when he was killed in a car accident. His 21st birthday will be December 24 and the first anniversay of his death 4 days later on December 28. I have been where you are now and understand the feeling of helplessness and of just being so scattered that the simplest decision is impossible. I was lucky because I don't work, so had much flexibility to grieve as I needed. After he first died, I tried very hard to keep things in balance for myself and my other two kids and husband. When the kids were at school, I would write, cry, read and scream occassionally. I found that if I didn't take the time to do that, I would get completely stressed out. It's been 8 months now, and I still pretty much do the same things but don't feel so out of control. I go to counselling with my husband and visit this site often because it helps to be able to relate my feelings to others who have experienced the same feelings I have. What also helps me is the very strong feeling that my son is watching over us and that we will see him again. We are all on a roller coaster of emotion; it is all normal and we all have to grieve in our own way. My therapist said it takes about two years to get to the point of learning to live with it; we will never get over it, but we can experience happiness and live a full life. I believe this is what my son would have wanted for me and the rest of my family. I'm trying (not always succeeding) to live a life that he would've been proud of. He had uncanny insights for a young man his age, and I feel he can live on if we try to understand some of them.
To Mary: I can understand how hard it must be to think of a new child coming with all of the joy that normally entails when you're still grieving so deeply for your two sons. You had a double blow, dear Mary, and my heart aches for you. I've thought of you every day since you wrote your post last week knowing how hard things must be. It would be nice if life could stop for awhile, but it doesn't. My guess is that as you slowly accustom yourself to the new baby, you will truly share in the joy of it. Take care, and God bless you.

Permalink Reply by Judy on September 14, 2009 at 12:15pm

Hi Mary,
One thing that gives me comfort is the belief that immediately after the accident, God was there to take my son to heaven and be reunited with his grandfathers. The other thing that gives me comfort is knowing that even though he is not here, he is still with me in spirit. I've been blessed to have many dreams and visions of him. While they seemed real to me, I know most people thought they were just a figment of imagination. Last week, I received a long, beautiful letter from an old acquaintance of his. In it, she told me of a very profound dream she'd had of Jack, in which he told her that he was a guardian angel to his brother and would be one to her too if she needed him because he was "really getting the hang of the whole guardian angel thing." When he left her, he departed with a "band of angels" and they were all radiant. I was overcome as I read her letter because I have had the exact same dreams, down to the band of angels and the glowing radiance. It took so much for this girl to write to me because we don't know each other well, but I believe Jack chose her for this dream because he knew she would feel compelled to tell me, and in the process validate my own dreams. I like to think that those who die so young are still here, still experiencing things, still part of our lives though in a different way.

Permalink Reply by mary on September 14, 2009 at 12:44pm

Ive only had one good dream...the rest were seeing them drowning and what happened...it was all too vivid. I wasn't there when it happened they were with their dad and i did not go up after it happened... I knew it would kill me...I didnt have to go...I've seen it all. I stayed home because I would have had to stay at a campground that night after they found them 100 ft deep....I couldnt bare it! My brother begged me not to go, so we stayed home and prayed that they were found and when I heard that they were still holding each other still after seven hours... I broke down in tears but with pride that I raised my sons to love one another so much that they would take care of each other to the end. I honestly dont know what I would have done if I was there... I would have frozen...Vincent died a hero....but he died too. Ohhhh...I cant even think about it... I wish I could stop. Ive gone to a counselor...she says I am doing very well...on the inside though the feeling..as you all know...cant be described to anyone else!

Someone told me I am grieving too much for them to come to me, however one night I woke up sobbing after seeing them in my dream. Stephen said Mom I had to go away for a while..I couldnt speak..I just hugged him and started to sob. He said look behind you and I turned and there was Vincent smiling at me. I just grabbed him and started to hug him tight as I sobbed really hard. I woke up sobbing in my sleep...loudly...all alone. My dog even jumped up on the bed to make sure I was alright :). I felt sad but good..at least they came to me.
I just pray to God that my family is all together in heaven...Ive struggled with that even though my Faith tells me it's true...some times I just seem to forget that and wonder.....but then...the feeling comes back that they are.

Their friends and esp Stephen's little gf tell me that Stephen talks to her all the time.,,,I do believe that! He said she was his soul mate...imagine at 19 yo! People have told me they have dreams about Vince too...giving them advice like he always did. Figures, I have to kind of smirk...typical teenagers and young adults...going to their friends first huh? Boy...figures! I think though that I would feel better if they came to me more...maybe people are right...Im just too emotionally distraught...who knows? :(

Judy said:

Hi Mary,
One thing that gives me comfort is the belief that immediately after the accident, God was there to take my son to heaven and be reunited with his grandfathers. The other thing that gives me comfort is knowing that even though he is not here, he is still with me in spirit. I've been blessed to have many dreams and visions of him. While they seemed real to me, I know most people thought they were just a figment of imagination. Last week, I received a long, beautiful letter from an old acquaintance of his. In it, she told me of a very profound dream she'd had of Jack, in which he told her that he was a guardian angel to his brother and would be one to her too if she needed him because he was "really getting the hang of the whole guardian angel thing." When he left her, he departed with a "band of angels" and they were all radiant. I was overcome as I read her letter because I have had the exact same dreams, down to the band of angels and the glowing radiance. It took so much for this girl to write to me because we don't know each other well, but I believe Jack chose her for this dream because he knew she would feel compelled to tell me, and in the process validate my own dreams. I like to think that those who die so young are still here, still experiencing things, still part of our lives though in a different way.

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