Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on May 21, 2010 at 10:59am

Jennifer,

Your letter has just posted and my heart breaks for you. If you need a good grief group contact me. When I have off I do attend and have found some comfort there. We are all mothers,a few dads who have lost their children. Like you,my loss is fresh and very painful. My son was killed in Sept. 2009 by a drunk driver.

God be with you,
Gerry

Jennifer said:

I lost my beautiful 11 year old daughter, Mackenzie in a tragic car accident in August 2009. We were returning home from a last minute family vacation before the kids returned to school. My husband was driving, and we also had our 7 year old son, Liam, and Mackenzie's best friend with us. It was raining and during a lane switch, my husband lost control of our van. We hit the guard rail and another car struck us...we were spinning. When we finally stopped I turned to check on the children to make sure they were ok. The best friend asked, "Where's Mackenzie?" I went into a panic! Check the floor! My husband seen her...she had been ejected from the back passenger window and was laying in the middle of the highway. We ran as fast as we could to get to her. Her eyes were closed. People stopped to help...I could do nothing but cry and hope for the best. Someone said she still had a pulse, but it was weak...where as the ambulance???? We covered her with a blanket, to try and keep her warm & dry...it was too late. My baby dies on the road that day and a huge part of me died also.
It has been almost 9 months. Although we seem to live a "normal" life, we are going through hell. Family and friends have been so supportive, yet at each passing day, their lives go on...and I am stuck kneeling at my little girls broken body in the middle of the road, helpless. Everytime I drive, images of that dreadful day come rushing back. Her best friend continues to come over to our home, but sometimes it just hurts too much to see her...
Mackenzie was such a sweet girl. No matter where we went, she would make a friend...boy, girl, older, younger...She was the "neighborhood activity director" getting all the other children to play games, go swimming, jump on the trampoline...She played softball and stunned everyone with her determination to bat as a lefty, rather than her normal right. She could hula hoop non stop, with multiple hoops...she loved cucumbers and strawberries...she loved kayaking and jetskiing...she loved rollercoasters, and rarely would turn down a chance to go for one last ride. She was full of life!
Why did this happen? Why couldn't it have been me? She had an entire lifetime of experiences to enjoy.
We will never see her graaduate from highschool or college. Never be able to get her ready for a prom or her wedding day. Never be able to be nervous that she has found her first boyfriend.
It pains me to know that parents all over the world are going through the same pain as I go through. Children should not go before their parents, especially at such a young age.
I mourn the loss of my daughter everyday, yet must find the strength for my son. It has been difficult, he doesn't have a real grasp on what has happened. We miss her more and more each day. And though my faith was never very strong, and now has been tested, I pray she looks down on us and feels the love we feel for her.
I miss you & love you Mackenzie Shay!!!!

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on May 21, 2010 at 11:51am

hello to you, dear Jennifer, with all my heart i feel close to you - i want to give you a big hug and lots of love. i will write again sometime soon.



Jennifer said:

I lost my beautiful 11 year old daughter, Mackenzie in a tragic car accident in August 2009. We were returning home from a last minute family vacation before the kids returned to school. My husband was driving, and we also had our 7 year old son, Liam, and Mackenzie's best friend with us. It was raining and during a lane switch, my husband lost control of our van. We hit the guard rail and another car struck us...we were spinning. When we finally stopped I turned to check on the children to make sure they were ok. The best friend asked, "Where's Mackenzie?" I went into a panic! Check the floor! My husband seen her...she had been ejected from the back passenger window and was laying in the middle of the highway. We ran as fast as we could to get to her. Her eyes were closed. People stopped to help...I could do nothing but cry and hope for the best. Someone said she still had a pulse, but it was weak...where as the ambulance???? We covered her with a blanket, to try and keep her warm & dry...it was too late. My baby dies on the road that day and a huge part of me died also.
It has been almost 9 months. Although we seem to live a "normal" life, we are going through hell. Family and friends have been so supportive, yet at each passing day, their lives go on...and I am stuck kneeling at my little girls broken body in the middle of the road, helpless. Everytime I drive, images of that dreadful day come rushing back. Her best friend continues to come over to our home, but sometimes it just hurts too much to see her...
Mackenzie was such a sweet girl. No matter where we went, she would make a friend...boy, girl, older, younger...She was the "neighborhood activity director" getting all the other children to play games, go swimming, jump on the trampoline...She played softball and stunned everyone with her determination to bat as a lefty, rather than her normal right. She could hula hoop non stop, with multiple hoops...she loved cucumbers and strawberries...she loved kayaking and jetskiing...she loved rollercoasters, and rarely would turn down a chance to go for one last ride. She was full of life!
Why did this happen? Why couldn't it have been me? She had an entire lifetime of experiences to enjoy.
We will never see her graaduate from highschool or college. Never be able to get her ready for a prom or her wedding day. Never be able to be nervous that she has found her first boyfriend.
It pains me to know that parents all over the world are going through the same pain as I go through. Children should not go before their parents, especially at such a young age.
I mourn the loss of my daughter everyday, yet must find the strength for my son. It has been difficult, he doesn't have a real grasp on what has happened. We miss her more and more each day. And though my faith was never very strong, and now has been tested, I pray she looks down on us and feels the love we feel for her.
I miss you & love you Mackenzie Shay!!!!

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on May 21, 2010 at 11:54am

Gerry dear, just to say hi!
Love xx

Gerry Fiden said:

Jennifer,

Your letter has just posted and my heart breaks for you. If you need a good grief group contact me. When I have off I do attend and have found some comfort there. We are all mothers,a few dads who have lost their children. Like you,my loss is fresh and very painful. My son was killed in Sept. 2009 by a drunk driver.

God be with you,
Gerry

Jennifer said:

I lost my beautiful 11 year old daughter, Mackenzie in a tragic car accident in August 2009. We were returning home from a last minute family vacation before the kids returned to school. My husband was driving, and we also had our 7 year old son, Liam, and Mackenzie's best friend with us. It was raining and during a lane switch, my husband lost control of our van. We hit the guard rail and another car struck us...we were spinning. When we finally stopped I turned to check on the children to make sure they were ok. The best friend asked, "Where's Mackenzie?" I went into a panic! Check the floor! My husband seen her...she had been ejected from the back passenger window and was laying in the middle of the highway. We ran as fast as we could to get to her. Her eyes were closed. People stopped to help...I could do nothing but cry and hope for the best. Someone said she still had a pulse, but it was weak...where as the ambulance???? We covered her with a blanket, to try and keep her warm & dry...it was too late. My baby dies on the road that day and a huge part of me died also.
It has been almost 9 months. Although we seem to live a "normal" life, we are going through hell. Family and friends have been so supportive, yet at each passing day, their lives go on...and I am stuck kneeling at my little girls broken body in the middle of the road, helpless. Everytime I drive, images of that dreadful day come rushing back. Her best friend continues to come over to our home, but sometimes it just hurts too much to see her...
Mackenzie was such a sweet girl. No matter where we went, she would make a friend...boy, girl, older, younger...She was the "neighborhood activity director" getting all the other children to play games, go swimming, jump on the trampoline...She played softball and stunned everyone with her determination to bat as a lefty, rather than her normal right. She could hula hoop non stop, with multiple hoops...she loved cucumbers and strawberries...she loved kayaking and jetskiing...she loved rollercoasters, and rarely would turn down a chance to go for one last ride. She was full of life!
Why did this happen? Why couldn't it have been me? She had an entire lifetime of experiences to enjoy.
We will never see her graaduate from highschool or college. Never be able to get her ready for a prom or her wedding day. Never be able to be nervous that she has found her first boyfriend.
It pains me to know that parents all over the world are going through the same pain as I go through. Children should not go before their parents, especially at such a young age.
I mourn the loss of my daughter everyday, yet must find the strength for my son. It has been difficult, he doesn't have a real grasp on what has happened. We miss her more and more each day. And though my faith was never very strong, and now has been tested, I pray she looks down on us and feels the love we feel for her.
I miss you & love you Mackenzie Shay!!!!

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on May 21, 2010 at 12:23pm

Hello Amaryllis,
How you my friend? Hope this day brings you closer to God's love and peace.
Gerry

amaryllis said:

Gerry dear, just to say hi!
Love xx

Gerry Fiden said:

Jennifer,

Your letter has just posted and my heart breaks for you. If you need a good grief group contact me. When I have off I do attend and have found some comfort there. We are all mothers,a few dads who have lost their children. Like you,my loss is fresh and very painful. My son was killed in Sept. 2009 by a drunk driver.

God be with you,
Gerry

Jennifer said:

I lost my beautiful 11 year old daughter, Mackenzie in a tragic car accident in August 2009. We were returning home from a last minute family vacation before the kids returned to school. My husband was driving, and we also had our 7 year old son, Liam, and Mackenzie's best friend with us. It was raining and during a lane switch, my husband lost control of our van. We hit the guard rail and another car struck us...we were spinning. When we finally stopped I turned to check on the children to make sure they were ok. The best friend asked, "Where's Mackenzie?" I went into a panic! Check the floor! My husband seen her...she had been ejected from the back passenger window and was laying in the middle of the highway. We ran as fast as we could to get to her. Her eyes were closed. People stopped to help...I could do nothing but cry and hope for the best. Someone said she still had a pulse, but it was weak...where as the ambulance???? We covered her with a blanket, to try and keep her warm & dry...it was too late. My baby dies on the road that day and a huge part of me died also.
It has been almost 9 months. Although we seem to live a "normal" life, we are going through hell. Family and friends have been so supportive, yet at each passing day, their lives go on...and I am stuck kneeling at my little girls broken body in the middle of the road, helpless. Everytime I drive, images of that dreadful day come rushing back. Her best friend continues to come over to our home, but sometimes it just hurts too much to see her...
Mackenzie was such a sweet girl. No matter where we went, she would make a friend...boy, girl, older, younger...She was the "neighborhood activity director" getting all the other children to play games, go swimming, jump on the trampoline...She played softball and stunned everyone with her determination to bat as a lefty, rather than her normal right. She could hula hoop non stop, with multiple hoops...she loved cucumbers and strawberries...she loved kayaking and jetskiing...she loved rollercoasters, and rarely would turn down a chance to go for one last ride. She was full of life!
Why did this happen? Why couldn't it have been me? She had an entire lifetime of experiences to enjoy.
We will never see her graaduate from highschool or college. Never be able to get her ready for a prom or her wedding day. Never be able to be nervous that she has found her first boyfriend.
It pains me to know that parents all over the world are going through the same pain as I go through. Children should not go before their parents, especially at such a young age.
I mourn the loss of my daughter everyday, yet must find the strength for my son. It has been difficult, he doesn't have a real grasp on what has happened. We miss her more and more each day. And though my faith was never very strong, and now has been tested, I pray she looks down on us and feels the love we feel for her.
I miss you & love you Mackenzie Shay!!!!

Permalink Reply by Norma V. Cubias on May 24, 2010 at 5:30am

IT IS UNBEARABLE THIS PAIN WE FEEL TO HAVE LOST OUR BABIES...NO ONE CAN TELL YOU HOW TO FEEL AND HOW LONG TO FEEL IT. WHY? THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE PAIN AND HOW LONG? WELL, TILL OUR LAST BREATH. I LOVE THIS POEM, DONT TELL ME.....IT IS WHAT I FEEL!

Attachments:

• Dont tell me.doc, 21 KB

Permalink Reply by Linda Sacquety on May 24, 2010 at 9:54pm

Leslie L. Fiorda said:

Dear Betty...
The first is the worst...mine was just a few days after my son passed. My son Jordan was 23 years old, 6'4" tall, green eyes, and a great big smile. He passed away on April 29th, 2007....so Mothers day and my birthday (May 12th) all with-in days of his furneral. He and his girlfriend were killed in a horrible roll over accident. My son Miloh gave me a card on that Mothers Day which read:
"Dear Mom you've done an excellent job raising us concidering all the heartbreaks, the disapointments , and the set backs.....(on the inside it read); But enough about my brother". And he signed his and Jordan's name.
He was watching me the whole time, cause he didn't know how I was going to take it. We used to laugh alot before...but I started laughing and I hugged him. And I started crying at the same time. I thought it was the greatest card I ever recieved. It was true. The heartbreaks, the disapointments ...they are set backs, but we'll get through. We will never get "over" it; but we will get through it. And Betty..."any" way you grieve, is the right way to grieve. I had people try to tell ME how, when they'd never lost a child. But we're here, and we all understand.
I was still numb then, still felt like I was in someone else's dream or night-mare. This is the hardest thing we will ever do in life. And though we may not have the hugs we need so much, we have each other, here on this site. I will be praying for you and greiveing with you. God Bless You.....Leslie
Write anytime....please

Betty said:

Today was the first Mother's Day I have had to endure since I lost my son, David. He was my first child. I have cried all day and wanted to tell people that said Happy Mother's Day to me to please shut up. There was nothing happy about it. I love my daughter with all my heart and don't want to ever face with her what I have endured losing my son. My life as human would be over if something happened to her too. My family has called me all day telling me they are thinking about me and I can hear it in their voices that they are relieved it's not their child who is gone. I'm glad it's not their babies too. I just want my son back and that will never happen.

Permalink Reply by kathy on May 25, 2010 at 9:52pm

kristi said:

hi rose,my heart goes out to you and your family,me i lost my son on oct 7th,2006 to his friend that shot him,he was only 16 and my husband deals with it a different way,me i couldnt cope any more i went and lost my mind for like a month after he pasted.i went to a grief support group and that really helped,this might help you light a candle for 5 minutes,and write down in a journal your good thoughts about your nephew,or talk to his picuture they say to do that and another thing is they say to do and i do this because my friends and family help me out is to talk about him like he is still here.your friends will listen and your family should to.and they tell you not to hide them in the closet.so my friends and family help really good,i think i would of never made it in this world after he passed but since i did all this it has helped and my friend that i have been really close to for 11 years says to people when they ask how i am doing is she has been strong,i dont show it at my job because i had this lady loose her husband to a motorcycle accident and she cried at work and everything what i did i said i am not going to be like her and i went into see the residents 2 or 3 times before i went back to work so that we all could just be our selves.and the first day was hard but after that i was ok.it was like i was never gone from work they treated me the same.my co-workers had to come tell me it was time to come back to work after 2 weeks,and i said yes it is.well my son would of been 18 this year on sept 12th,he would of been a senior in high school and this year is really going to be hard as his friends graduate without him.i live like 3 and half hours from my parents and i feel that they didnt know what to say or do for me but just being by me was the best thing.and for you to go see your son is the best thing for you,my mom and dad have been wanting me to come down there for a couple of days and i am sad that i cant i used all my sick and vaction time up so have none.but they come to see us 2 times a year.i have adopted a highway in 2007 and i have had my family come up the weekend that he passed away so i dont have to be alone.they have been really good about that.but for your sister just let her know that your there for her and your just a phone call away if she needs you,is she married?if she isnt married maybe if she has money that you could ask her to go on the trip with you,i bet your son would like that.well have a nice trip and i hope you keep in touch.thanks for listening to.kristi

Permalink Reply by kathy on May 25, 2010 at 9:52pm

kathy said:

kristi said:

hi rose,my heart goes out to you and your family,me i lost my son on oct 7th,2006 to his friend that shot him,he was only 16 and my husband deals with it a different way,me i couldnt cope any more i went and lost my mind for like a month after he pasted.i went to a grief support group and that really helped,this might help you light a candle for 5 minutes,and write down in a journal your good thoughts about your nephew,or talk to his picuture they say to do that and another thing is they say to do and i do this because my friends and family help me out is to talk about him like he is still here.your friends will listen and your family should to.and they tell you not to hide them in the closet.so my friends and family help really good,i think i would of never made it in this world after he passed but since i did all this it has helped and my friend that i have been really close to for 11 years says to people when they ask how i am doing is she has been strong,i dont show it at my job because i had this lady loose her husband to a motorcycle accident and she cried at work and everything what i did i said i am not going to be like her and i went into see the residents 2 or 3 times before i went back to work so that we all could just be our selves.and the first day was hard but after that i was ok.it was like i was never gone from work they treated me the same.my co-workers had to come tell me it was time to come back to work after 2 weeks,and i said yes it is.well my son would of been 18 this year on sept 12th,he would of been a senior in high school and this year is really going to be hard as his friends graduate without him.i live like 3 and half hours from my parents and i feel that they didnt know what to say or do for me but just being by me was the best thing.and for you to go see your son is the best thing for you,my mom and dad have been wanting me to come down there for a couple of days and i am sad that i cant i used all my sick and vaction time up so have none.but they come to see us 2 times a year.i have adopted a highway in 2007 and i have had my family come up the weekend that he passed away so i dont have to be alone.they have been really good about that.but for your sister just let her know that your there for her and your just a phone call away if she needs you,is she married?if she isnt married maybe if she has money that you could ask her to go on the trip with you,i bet your son would like that.well have a nice trip and i hope you keep in touch.thanks for listening to.kristi

Permalink Reply by kathy on May 25, 2010 at 9:55pm

wow don't know where to begin. Just want to say why????????????????? I lost my 18 year old son last yea to a car accident and his girlfriend died too no drugs or alocohol.I feel worse now than any better I love him so much can
t seem to get over the fact I shouldn't be here he was suppose too

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on May 26, 2010 at 11:11pm

Dear Jennifer...

God Bless you ... Yes she was very young. And to be there with her while she passed; how hard that must be.This is not the way "we" planned it, not the way it's supposed to be. My heart was breaking as I read each word you wrote. Mackenzie sounds like she was a truely amazing girl. So much pride and love in your letter for her.
My son, Jordan was just 23 when he passed. He was driving, his girlfriend was also killed. Someone pulled out off a dirt road on a moter cycle, as he was comming around a curve. He swerved to the left to miss it, and slide sideways until his right side tires dug into the dirt on the left side burm, which caused to car to roll. He was thrown 40 feet...his girlfriend 22 ft. and another friend Bryant was thrown 14 ft. She was DOA at the site , we lost Jordan on the way to the hospital. Bryant was in a coma for a few days, almost lost his legs...praise God he didn't. He lost an eye though, but was back to work with-in 6months; even though they said maybe in a year he could go to therepy to re-learn to walk again. The gentleman that found them had to call twice to 911 after 45 min's ...they were lost, and couldn't find the road. I had so much anger toward them, (ambulance) they also called off med-i-vac to fly them to the hospital. I went to meet with the surgeon who tried to revive him. I found out the car he was driving had a re-call on it for the same year and model as his. For the accelerator sticking and the brakes failing. I was so mad, I wanted to blame anybody...but somebody for sure. I was going to sue them all. The county, the state, the dirt road. I don't feel that way now. Maybe because I am drained, it's hard to have anger when you have no energy left.
I felt guilty too, for not being there with him when he passed. I felt guilty for ever moving back here. I felt guilty for helping him with his down pay-ment for his car, (he just bought 3 months before). So many memories flooding my mind. The little toy truck he wanted when he was little, that I didn't think I could afford. It seems we will never stop thinking about these things. And in all my memories I couldn't think of one single thing Jordan ever did wrong...but a million I did wrong. The only thing that help'd me with my guilt, and the "being the worst mom who ever lived" feelings I had; was the thought that {our time was set from the begining}. And to know in my heart, that God "recieved" my son, He did not "take" my son.
Why "we" were chosen to live through this, only God knows. And it is so hard. I ache for you just thinking about what your going through now, and what is to come. It has been just three years for me, and I keep thinking "with every day that takes so long to get through...How can three years already have passed." It's still so unreal.
I don't know why I went into so much detail, maybe there is something you may have needed to hear/know. What I really wanted to do is to let you know...I KNOW how you feel, WE know how you feel, and we are grieving with you. You will be in my prayers, and in my thoughts. Leslie

PS If you need to talk, I'll be here




Jennifer said:

I lost my beautiful 11 year old daughter, Mackenzie in a tragic car accident in August 2009. We were returning home from a last minute family vacation before the kids returned to school. My husband was driving, and we also had our 7 year old son, Liam, and Mackenzie's best friend with us. It was raining and during a lane switch, my husband lost control of our van. We hit the guard rail and another car struck us...we were spinning. When we finally stopped I turned to check on the children to make sure they were ok. The best friend asked, "Where's Mackenzie?" I went into a panic! Check the floor! My husband seen her...she had been ejected from the back passenger window and was laying in the middle of the highway. We ran as fast as we could to get to her. Her eyes were closed. People stopped to help...I could do nothing but cry and hope for the best. Someone said she still had a pulse, but it was weak...where as the ambulance???? We covered her with a blanket, to try and keep her warm & dry...it was too late. My baby dies on the road that day and a huge part of me died also.
It has been almost 9 months. Although we seem to live a "normal" life, we are going through hell. Family and friends have been so supportive, yet at each passing day, their lives go on...and I am stuck kneeling at my little girls broken body in the middle of the road, helpless. Everytime I drive, images of that dreadful day come rushing back. Her best friend continues to come over to our home, but sometimes it just hurts too much to see her...
Mackenzie was such a sweet girl. No matter where we went, she would make a friend...boy, girl, older, younger...She was the "neighborhood activity director" getting all the other children to play games, go swimming, jump on the trampoline...She played softball and stunned everyone with her determination to bat as a lefty, rather than her normal right. She could hula hoop non stop, with multiple hoops...she loved cucumbers and strawberries...she loved kayaking and jetskiing...she loved rollercoasters, and rarely would turn down a chance to go for one last ride. She was full of life!
Why did this happen? Why couldn't it have been me? She had an entire lifetime of experiences to enjoy.
We will never see her graaduate from highschool or college. Never be able to get her ready for a prom or her wedding day. Never be able to be nervous that she has found her first boyfriend.
It pains me to know that parents all over the world are going through the same pain as I go through. Children should not go before their parents, especially at such a young age.
I mourn the loss of my daughter everyday, yet must find the strength for my son. It has been difficult, he doesn't have a real grasp on what has happened. We miss her more and more each day. And though my faith was never very strong, and now has been tested, I pray she looks down on us and feels the love we feel for her.
I miss you & love you Mackenzie Shay!!!!

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on May 31, 2010 at 2:26am

Hello Everyone...
I was listening to some old tunes, which made me think of Jordan...and then of you all. God Bless you, you are in my prayers! Leslie

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on May 31, 2010 at 9:59am

Hello everyone,I say to may God Bless and Keep all of us together and strong. I know just how Leslie feels when I listens to old tunes. Now Memorial Day is when Kris would do his Bar-B-Que for everyone. You know the Firefighters had their own minds of sauces to use on their bar-b-que. Well just saying I miss Kris so much. I lost my Kris April 9,2006 to a fatal car accident. Thanking God that he was the only one involved. I sometimes just read and not respond to everyone stories. We all had great loses with our kids. I have double pain and heartaches,because I lost two sons. My 1st and my last son. A 1 month old son and a 28 year old son. So all we can do is pray and ask God to keep giving us the will and the mind to be strong to take that one day at a time motion. To be honest Some of my days are much harder than others. There are still some days I wish so much for Kris to be here. Something may happen good or bad I would say, if Kris were he he would have taken care of that. I am still asking for your prayers for Kris two boys. Asking God to give them the strength to go on without their dad. I will keep all in my prayers Elaine

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