Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lori Jones-Andy's mom on May 18, 2012 at 5:19pm

I don't know if it matters to anyone else.  But if anyone else was feeling the same frustration with  God that I was when I wrote a while back about how God COULDN'T know our pain because HE didn't have to not know what was going to happen to His son or when or be seperated from him, I just found the answer or was shown the answer.  Isaiah 53:4-6 

Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all

Isaiah 40:28-31 

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

 

It is thru Christ Jesus that God understands..because the Bible tells us that Jesus has borne our griefs and carried our sorrorws..  I don't know if I'm correct but it makes sense to me.  Jesus was God in human form, perhaps because the one thing God gave us which He could not or would not  intrude on..or gave us the privacy of was free will.  What governs most peoples free will choices?  Emotions.  Jesus however COULD and DID understand..so much so that He was willing to die for the wrongs it causes us to sometimes do, to pay the price for us.  THIS is how God the Father understands..thru God the Son.  Jesus on the cross wasn't concerned about HIS suffering.  Think about it and what He said, He was concerned about everyone else.  From the very beginning God was about RELATIONSHIP and being there for one another.  That was the very reason we were created!  So what about free will could make His children created in His image turn against one another?  Jesus came and experienced that and tried to expose those things that could cause us to do that so that we might be aware and on guard to watch out for them, He felt all the pain, sorrow and fear that can drive a person to do crazy or wrong things that called for punishment and HE paid that price for us because He understood, while at the same time HE tried to teach us to be aware of them. 

Permalink Reply by Melinda Ellen Guinn on May 28, 2012 at 1:51pm

I don't understand what you mean Lori. Are you still mad at God or not? I was never mad at God, I assumed the Devil won that round when the Devil let Candace have accesss to her husband's pain pills for his shoulder. I think God saved her when he took her Home. I think something far worse in Candace's eyes would've occured if she was here. I think she might've been drinking and got in a car accident that resulted in the death of one or more of her very much loved girls.  It's been over two years and this sad, pained look on my face is still here. I don't want it to be permanent but I can't change the way I feel. So this is my new normal. I never would have thought...Take care of Candace Lord. 

Permalink Reply by Melinda Ellen Guinn on July 17, 2012 at 5:33pm

I LOVE you so much Candace Rae Watson! Momma's little girl, my punkin', my Boog!! I can't wait for you to takr me Homw w/you Baby-girl! Bring my Grandma Billie too!!

Permalink Reply by Mike on July 18, 2012 at 6:22pm

It was a normal summer day, warm, gentle, when the world I knew and loved turned upside down, and inside out. It was on this dreadful day my life as I knew it ceased to exist. The night before I bid goodnight to my daughter Christina, age 23. I still picture her sitting on the edge of my bed, telling her son Liam and myself goodnight and with love, smiling her one of a kind smile. The last time I would see her and hear her alive. Liam would like to watch TV with me sometimes when I was off work, and I enjoyed this. Sleep came to us. There was a thump in the night, it woke me for a fraction of a second, then back into sleep I went. Was this thump significant? Perhaps, however I will never know the answer. I woke early morning, fresh and ready to enjoy my day off work as a truck driver. I sat at my desk as Liam and Christina slept. I heard her TV going, a bit loud, so I decided to go and turn off the TV. As I approached the bedroom of Christina, I began to have a feeling that all was not well. I reached the door and as I pushed to open the door, it was met with resistance. I pushed enough to peer through the opening in the door. There she was sitting against the door. What is going on here. "Christina" I call out, then again but loudly and with distress in my voice. I push enough to enter the bedroom, set my eyes upon my dead daughter. Her eyes shut, her tongue partially out of her mouth. She is pale, and cold to the touch. It was at that moment I entered the dark side of life. An existence that brought me to the brink of despair. An existence that caused the end of my profession taking me further into the darkness. The horror of this unspeakable sight I beheld turned my mind into mush. The pain invading my ever cell, driving deep within my soul. excruciating pain. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. reliving that moment in its vivid detail thousands of times. I observed the police, the detectives, the medics, in this surreal nightmare. I see them talking to me, and hear them. They are in a different place than I.  A place of the living. They move in slow motion, and I grasp their every action, and record every detail of them in my memory banks. A movie recorded in its every minute detail so as I can recall every word and action at any time even to this day. As I lost all my material possessions, I constantly tried to enter the world of the living. This new existence is strange. It is a world where reality is harsh. I see the harshness of the world we live in. It is a cold and cruel world, devoid of common sense, devoid of compassion, devoid of God. We all know about the world we live in. We know how cruel it could be, but I know things others will never know. I learn in this world. I become enlightened. I learn things that I cannot explain or put into words. I just know! I emerge from the darkness. Slowly. I enter the world of the living. I try to find peace, and some resemblance of my former life. Three years have passed. I have not fared well in my professional life. I will retire soon but not into the golden years as I once planned for. I have survived the dark world, a place where demons reside. My inner strength, and prayers from many beat off these demons. They have not succeeded in the destruction of my soul. A hard fought battle. I have emerged victorious and a new person. One who has some hope for a future. One who is more spiritual, and one who chose to quarantine the dark world. God has sent me someone special in my life. This person was meant for me. It is her world that I want to inhabit.  A world of peace, and common sense. She is not a cure, for the lack of a better word, no, but one of many paths out of the darkness. Her and the real people that I have encountered.  Memories of that dark world I once inhabited are, and will always be with me. Memories of my daughter makes her always with me. An angel whose presence is always near. A tragic and senseless death of a vibrant loving young woman will never make sense, even with a journey to the dark side of life, but the purpose of that journey was not to answer questions as such, but to address the big picture.

Permalink Reply by mary on July 19, 2012 at 9:46am

Mike... no mortal man could have written what you did.  Your words mirror the way a lot of us feel but find it too painful to express.   I am fighting those demons that have taken away my 'UMPHHH" ... It has been four years and with everything else I've been through... I just dont know if I have the strength.

Im glad you found someone to share your soul with.... Ive thought that might help me but... I guess Im waiting to feel better before I even begin to think about it.  Maybe a mistake but I dont want to bring anyone else down with me...so I wait.

I am so sorry for your loss.... but I am happy your Angel is saving you from complete dispare!

Take good care,

Mary
 
Mike said:

It was a normal summer day, warm, gentle, when the world I knew and loved turned upside down, and inside out. It was on this dreadful day my life as I knew it ceased to exist. The night before I bid goodnight to my daughter Christina, age 23. I still picture her sitting on the edge of my bed, telling her son Liam and myself goodnight and with love, smiling her one of a kind smile. The last time I would see her and hear her alive. Liam would like to watch TV with me sometimes when I was off work, and I enjoyed this. Sleep came to us. There was a thump in the night, it woke me for a fraction of a second, then back into sleep I went. Was this thump significant? Perhaps, however I will never know the answer. I woke early morning, fresh and ready to enjoy my day off work as a truck driver. I sat at my desk as Liam and Christina slept. I heard her TV going, a bit loud, so I decided to go and turn off the TV. As I approached the bedroom of Christina, I began to have a feeling that all was not well. I reached the door and as I pushed to open the door, it was met with resistance. I pushed enough to peer through the opening in the door. There she was sitting against the door. What is going on here. "Christina" I call out, then again but loudly and with distress in my voice. I push enough to enter the bedroom, set my eyes upon my dead daughter. Her eyes shut, her tongue partially out of her mouth. She is pale, and cold to the touch. It was at that moment I entered the dark side of life. An existence that brought me to the brink of despair. An existence that caused the end of my profession taking me further into the darkness. The horror of this unspeakable sight I beheld turned my mind into mush. The pain invading my ever cell, driving deep within my soul. excruciating pain. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. reliving that moment in its vivid detail thousands of times. I observed the police, the detectives, the medics, in this surreal nightmare. I see them talking to me, and hear them. They are in a different place than I.  A place of the living. They move in slow motion, and I grasp their every action, and record every detail of them in my memory banks. A movie recorded in its every minute detail so as I can recall every word and action at any time even to this day. As I lost all my material possessions, I constantly tried to enter the world of the living. This new existence is strange. It is a world where reality is harsh. I see the harshness of the world we live in. It is a cold and cruel world, devoid of common sense, devoid of compassion, devoid of God. We all know about the world we live in. We know how cruel it could be, but I know things others will never know. I learn in this world. I become enlightened. I learn things that I cannot explain or put into words. I just know! I emerge from the darkness. Slowly. I enter the world of the living. I try to find peace, and some resemblance of my former life. Three years have passed. I have not fared well in my professional life. I will retire soon but not into the golden years as I once planned for. I have survived the dark world, a place where demons reside. My inner strength, and prayers from many beat off these demons. They have not succeeded in the destruction of my soul. A hard fought battle. I have emerged victorious and a new person. One who has some hope for a future. One who is more spiritual, and one who chose to quarantine the dark world. God has sent me someone special in my life. This person was meant for me. It is her world that I want to inhabit.  A world of peace, and common sense. She is not a cure, for the lack of a better word, no, but one of many paths out of the darkness. Her and the real people that I have encountered.  Memories of that dark world I once inhabited are, and will always be with me. Memories of my daughter makes her always with me. An angel whose presence is always near. A tragic and senseless death of a vibrant loving young woman will never make sense, even with a journey to the dark side of life, but the purpose of that journey was not to answer questions as such, but to address the big picture.

Permalink Reply by Mike on July 19, 2012 at 10:51am

Mary,

Thanks for your words.

Sorry for your loss as well. Best of luck, and move on the best you can,

Mike

 

Permalink Reply by Hallie on August 14, 2012 at 1:27pm

The stories are heartbreaking to all of you that have lost a child.  As a mother of three children, I can only begin to imagine the incredible heartache.  I don't know what I would say to someone that has lost something so precious - I would agree that not wanting to cause more pain would be the reason behind not talking about your child.  I am so very sorry for your hurt, your suffering and your loss.  I so desperately wish you some peace.  (hugs)

Permalink Reply by Sharon on September 1, 2012 at 7:17am

Our precious Sarah passed away only 10 days ago. She was just 20 years old.  Even though she had many health issues and had been in and out of hospitals the future was still hopeful.  She was looking forward to worknig part time and possibly going to school and then the unthinkable happened. Because of lung issues we needed to be extra careful when she gets congested.  We took her to the ER aug. 20th because of a cough they gave her nebs and a steroid shot and debated whether to keep her overnight, they decided she could come home.  That night one of the avm's in her lungs ruptured and she bleed to death right in front of us. It happened so quickly.  The pain of that night is unbearable.  I have guilt because I feel I should have done more.  Even though I did give her nebs, I didn't give them as often as I could of because I worried about her heartrate going to high. There are so many things we couldn't done differently.  If only we had kept her in the hospital overnight. I feel I failed my baby and it's too much to bear.  I do have faith...but I admit it is weak at times.  I so much just want to join my little girl but know I can't.  My husband and I are planning on attending a support group for parents who have lost children, but the pain is so unbearable.

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on September 1, 2012 at 9:13am

Sharon,

 

You are not alone always remember that, you have everyone of us here on this site to offer support and comfort.

All of us have had our faith tested some more than others. What got me through losing my son was coming to the realization that God has a plan for all of us and when he decides to call us home ...he does. Like you, I begged "him" to bring my son back and take me. After all, Ric was the one who had everthing to live for and had many years ahead of him not me. Now I think. Perhaps we look at death all wrong. Our children are in a much better place. You have an angel now looking over you, Sarah will get you through this. Look for the signs, she will show you she is still here in spirt when you are ready. I hurt everyday and miss my son so much but know we will be reunited someday. Attend the support group I know it helped me. There is a candle ceremony I believe it is the second Sunday of Dec. and celebrated all over,it is for the children we lost. I promise if you attend this service you will come away connected with your daughter.

Our stories here are all different yet the same. In the end we all buried a child. Some got to say goodbye like you did and some of us did not, some lost babies, some lost adult children. Our pain is all the same. The guilt you feel will eventually subside the pain and love will never go away. I will keep you in my heart and pray for Sarah. My sons Angel day is 9/8/09 he was killed by a drunk driver. Please say a prayer for him.

God be with you,

Gerry

Permalink Reply by Sharon on September 1, 2012 at 10:01am

Gerry,

Thank you for your kind words.  It helps to hear wer'e not alone.  I just ache so much and feel I failed Sarah that night.  If only I had been tuned in more.  Everyone tells me I'm a fantastic mother... but that night I knew I had to get up for work the next day and did not check on her like I normally would of when she's sick.  I can't stop beating myself.  I pray for comfort and a sign that Sarah is okay in God's arms.  The pain is so unbearable right now.  I will pray for your precious son also.

Sharon
 
Gerry Fiden said:

Sharon,

 

You are not alone always remember that, you have everyone of us here on this site to offer support and comfort.

All of us have had our faith tested some more than others. What got me through losing my son was coming to the realization that God has a plan for all of us and when he decides to call us home ...he does. Like you, I begged "him" to bring my son back and take me. After all, Ric was the one who had everthing to live for and had many years ahead of him not me. Now I think. Perhaps we look at death all wrong. Our children are in a much better place. You have an angel now looking over you, Sarah will get you through this. Look for the signs, she will show you she is still here in spirt when you are ready. I hurt everyday and miss my son so much but know we will be reunited someday. Attend the support group I know it helped me. There is a candle ceremony I believe it is the second Sunday of Dec. and celebrated all over,it is for the children we lost. I promise if you attend this service you will come away connected with your daughter.

Our stories here are all different yet the same. In the end we all buried a child. Some got to say goodbye like you did and some of us did not, some lost babies, some lost adult children. Our pain is all the same. The guilt you feel will eventually subside the pain and love will never go away. I will keep you in my heart and pray for Sarah. My sons Angel day is 9/8/09 he was killed by a drunk driver. Please say a prayer for him.

God be with you,

Gerry

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on September 1, 2012 at 10:23am

Sharon,

 

You did nothing wrong and you were there with her when God took her home. You said it happened so quick be grateful for that and that you could hold her and say goodbye. My son was draged 180 ft under a car and left to die alone as the man who hit him fled. I am grateful for the boy who chased him and his twin brother who tried to move the car from my sons body. We had no goodbyes and there was no viewing due to the nature of his death. This man took my son but he can not take my memories or the love in my heart.

Keep Sarah alive any way you choose and others will eventually realize it is ok to talk about her. We want our kids to be remembered not forgotten. It is to close to home for some and it is easier for them not to bring up our children because they dont know what to say and are afraid it will happen to them. Be patient and I am here if you need to vent or cry.Gerry
Sharon said:

Our precious Sarah passed away only 10 days ago. She was just 20 years old.  Even though she had many health issues and had been in and out of hospitals the future was still hopeful.  She was looking forward to worknig part time and possibly going to school and then the unthinkable happened. Because of lung issues we needed to be extra careful when she gets congested.  We took her to the ER aug. 20th because of a cough they gave her nebs and a steroid shot and debated whether to keep her overnight, they decided she could come home.  That night one of the avm's in her lungs ruptured and she bleed to death right in front of us. It happened so quickly.  The pain of that night is unbearable.  I have guilt because I feel I should have done more.  Even though I did give her nebs, I didn't give them as often as I could of because I worried about her heartrate going to high. There are so many things we couldn't done differently.  If only we had kept her in the hospital overnight. I feel I failed my baby and it's too much to bear.  I do have faith...but I admit it is weak at times.  I so much just want to join my little girl but know I can't.  My husband and I are planning on attending a support group for parents who have lost children, but the pain is so unbearable.

Permalink Reply by Sharon on September 1, 2012 at 12:12pm

Gerry,

I'm so sorry you did not get a chance to say good-bye  to your son.  The pain must be horrible.  Right now, I have a hard time looking at pictures of Sarah because I miss her so much and the pains too much.  I pray this will change in time. I pray the guilt will subside as well, but I don't feel it will.  I cry and scream much of the time.  I'm thankful there are others to talk with, because no one, except some one who has lost a child, truly understands. 
 
Gerry Fiden said:

Sharon,

 

You did nothing wrong and you were there with her when God took her home. You said it happened so quick be grateful for that and that you could hold her and say goodbye. My son was draged 180 ft under a car and left to die alone as the man who hit him fled. I am grateful for the boy who chased him and his twin brother who tried to move the car from my sons body. We had no goodbyes and there was no viewing due to the nature of his death. This man took my son but he can not take my memories or the love in my heart.

Keep Sarah alive any way you choose and others will eventually realize it is ok to talk about her. We want our kids to be remembered not forgotten. It is to close to home for some and it is easier for them not to bring up our children because they dont know what to say and are afraid it will happen to them. Be patient and I am here if you need to vent or cry.Gerry
Sharon said:

Our precious Sarah passed away only 10 days ago. She was just 20 years old.  Even though she had many health issues and had been in and out of hospitals the future was still hopeful.  She was looking forward to worknig part time and possibly going to school and then the unthinkable happened. Because of lung issues we needed to be extra careful when she gets congested.  We took her to the ER aug. 20th because of a cough they gave her nebs and a steroid shot and debated whether to keep her overnight, they decided she could come home.  That night one of the avm's in her lungs ruptured and she bleed to death right in front of us. It happened so quickly.  The pain of that night is unbearable.  I have guilt because I feel I should have done more.  Even though I did give her nebs, I didn't give them as often as I could of because I worried about her heartrate going to high. There are so many things we couldn't done differently.  If only we had kept her in the hospital overnight. I feel I failed my baby and it's too much to bear.  I do have faith...but I admit it is weak at times.  I so much just want to join my little girl but know I can't.  My husband and I are planning on attending a support group for parents who have lost children, but the pain is so unbearable.

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