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Permalink Reply by Stephanie on February 14, 2009 at 12:51pm

To All From Stephanie
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx

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Permalink Reply by marybeth bergin on February 21, 2009 at 10:13am

Thanks for the reply Elaine- sometimes it takes me awhile to get back but I do the reply I left for Stephanie is for you to. I agree the writing to each other helps just to know someone else feels this pain but we can bring some good out of the pain. There is nothing wrong with feeling like the lose was just like yesterday because throught faith believe that they really are still with you just in a different way and that does take time to learn that different way. Just close your eyes and listen and feel your heart there they are. I'm for you to Elaine---Marybeth

Permalink Reply by marybeth bergin on February 21, 2009 at 9:59am

Stephanie- Thanks for the reply just you giving me those words makes me feel like my brother is looking out for me. I just happen to fall into this website last week because I really don't have many people to share my grief with friend and family try to change the subject and then I feel so shut out or that I am making them uncomfortable. Stephanie it will always feel like yesterday because your sister will stay close with you even when you get angry and you tell her to go away that' s the more powerful their presence will come to you. During the holidays I was out Christmas shopping and I could feel John coming to me and I didn't want him to but I finally gave in and said okay come on. I proceeded on with my day. I came out of the store got into my car. My brother and I are old DeadHeads the Grateful Dead Band we use to follow them everywhere together anyway I put the radio on and a song came on that only John would know i needed to here part of the leric was you 'll see summertime again" its song called Let it Grow all of a sudden my lights in my car were going on and off it was broad day lite and it was a gloomy cold day and i love summer. Well I started to cry and then I looked up at the sky and said Thankyou brother John you are so sweet you are just so sweet. It was like he gave me a hug and a kiss. What I'm trying to say is your sister will always be there it will always feel like yesterday and thats not a bad thing when you learn to be open to the new relationship that you will have with your sister now.
Marybeth

Permalink Reply by Connie Ogle on March 4, 2009 at 7:21pm

I recently lost my brother December 27th. He was only 44 and I'm 8 years younger than him. Dealing with the loss has been extremely difficult for me, but what really torments my soul is not knowing for sure if he has accepted Jesus as his lord and savior before he passed. I don't know how to stop the overwhelming saddness and pain I'm feeling over this very issue. I feel alot of guilt for not talking with him about this. Is there someone that can give me some advise on this or just some words of encouragement.

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on March 4, 2009 at 8:35pm

Connie, My sister Abby's memorial site http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx
You know we are never really sure what is in a persons heart even when we think we know. I am sure the Lord has heard your prayers and concern and I think you have to trust him and find peace in that. I lost my sister 18 months ago today. She was severely mentally ill and I am not sure what she understood but I have faith that the Lord has her and is taking care of her. Guilt is something we all share in some form or another but we have to pray to find our own peace and work through our grief. I am sure that everyone that has lost a loved one wishes we had done something different. Please write anytime Stephanie

Permalink Reply by Connie Ogle on March 5, 2009 at 10:14am

Thanks for the kind words Stephanie. I'm sorry for your loss. The memorial website for your sister is very beautiful. Take care

Permalink Reply by kim on March 9, 2009 at 3:19pm

I lost my brother Jan 25th. He choose to take his life after 15 years of fighting mental illness. It wasn't so bad when it happened, but now I find myself just wishing he was back and missing him so much. Sometimes I find myself just sitting and tears just come. I was looking on the web for info about the loss of siblings and found this sight. It was nice to find this. My family is very close, but sometimes it is nice to get support from outside of the family. Thank you for sharing your stories and listening to a bit of mine. Peace.. Kim

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on March 9, 2009 at 8:41pm

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx
Kim, I am so sorry and definitely know what you are going through. My sister Abby died 9/4/07 from years of psychotropic meds for schizophrenia. Her heart just gave out. Even though life wasn't easy on earth for her I still in my own selfish way sometimes want her back. I know she is better off and is in the arms of the Lord but I miss her so much. Even now as I write this a tear runs down my face even 18 months later so it never really goes away but maybe over time it will ease up some. I included her website for you if you would like to see it. I feel so sad that these illnesses seem so hopeless that people have to find a way to end the pain. I have been involved With the National Alliance For mental illness NAMI and they have wonderful support if you need it. Write again we can share our grief and our siblings. Stephanie

Permalink Reply by kim on March 16, 2009 at 3:51pm

stephanie,
thank your for your kind words. loosing a siblings has to be one of the deepest hurts one can ever go through. The wedsite you put together for her is beautiful. I find so much peace in knowing his is with his savior and isn't suffering any longer and it is the human nature that we have to deal with daily in our own struggles and fights. NAMI is one of the best support groups my mom and sisters found while he was alive. Sometimes I just dont want the grief and I don't want to dwell on it. Sometimes it is nice to look into the sky or the water and see God's magnitude and know that I am just a speck in his plan for a better day to come for us all. you are an awesome friend. Thank you hugs to you and your sorrow and loss as well. Keep me posted on your walk in life. Kim

Permalink Reply by kim on March 16, 2009 at 4:13pm

Pam and Cassie,
I read your letters and feel so much pain and sorrow for you both. We just burried my brother who took his life in jan. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and pray that it is the last hardest thing to do, but what now? what about all the 1st that will be coming. I sometimes sit and think "wow is this real? What do I do now. I am at a point now that it is nice to know he is at peace and although being here on Earth is h***, I know he isn't suffering any longer. We don't know, no matter how close we are to someone, what their deepest fears are or what cross they are bearing on the inside. I can tell that you both did all that you could for your brother/sister and that d*** selfish human nature is controlling us.. Know that God has his arms wrapped around you and holds you every time you need him. I realized this weekend that now ANY time I want to be with my brother... he is right there beside me. What an awesome feeling. It doesn't take away the "what ifs', or I wishes' Living life is very difficult sometimes and when we have others (ex wives, children or others) to deal with it makes the day much harder. Never forget who they were to you and hold that for strenght as well. Days get dark, but the sun will rise. There is an awesome song by the Gaither's called it only rains sometimes. Listen to it. I find my strength in songs. Find something that gives you peace and use it. Keep talking to someone and remember the clouds will go away and there will be sunshine again. we aren't promised days without rain but we are promised eternal life. Love and peace to everyone. Kim

Permalink Reply by Cassie on March 15, 2009 at 11:58am

I lost my brother 21 days ago. It is surreal to me that he is gone. I know that he is GONE...but it does not compute. I am not sure why. I along with family planned his funeral. They did the calling & I ok'd things while thinking...this is not "REAL"!! Well, it was very real. HE IS GONE. We did not have the best childhood, and I was like a mother to him. I always came to his rescue. I never told my brother "NO"!! He called 6 days before he died. He wanted $300.00 dollars for the doctor, and his script. I told him "NO", and stuck to it. I could not believe I did not give in. HE called about 4 or 5 times trying to talk me into paying for it. I was like, "NO", and I had a bad vibe all day long. One that did not go away.I was very concerned. I have this way of knowing things, and they happen. What is up with that? The worry was like never before. It was intense. Unsettling. To add to that phone call, he was very drowsy while we were talking. I said, "Brake, if you can not say awake talking to me, I forsure am not buying your meds." He went on to say, I should be proud of him for taking his meds right. I should be proud; because, it was so hard to get to that point. I knew he was full of bologna. Well, he came over the next day while waiting on his script to be filled. He did not look good. Not at all. I noticed it right away. The things I noticed were what killed him 6 days later. I pay attention to details, without even knowing it most of the time. My mother paid for the doctor, and script. I told her not to do it. I told her if something happened, she would not forgive herself. I do not have enough time to go into his kids or the relationship he had. That was whole other nightmare, on top of his sudden passing. ( I am writing this thinking...how is this really me writing this) I had told Bubba that he needed to stop depending on me so much. If he ran out of food, I stocked his pantry. I paid the unpaid bills. I took care of the kids when CPS took them away. I made life so easy for him. I am far from "PERFECT", but he did as he pleased daily. I paid for it for 33 years. My brother passed 2 days before his 34th birthday. I am not sure how to deal with this. There is so much he left undone. I can not fight his ex to see my neice and nephew. I watched Beau come into this world. I delivered his little girl. She came so fast. She has my middle name. Their mom is certified crazy. I am not kidding. She is so off that you can not do a thing with her. My family just could not believe my brother was with her. She held up his body 2 freaking days, she took everything he had, got his last check, attached me, and my family 2 days after my brother's death, she lied to police, and my brother laid dead about 5 hours in his bed.(then she found him) I can not even begin to tell you what she is getting away with. I cannot grieve, and worry about all the things that have or are taking place since his death. There is so much to deal with, I just think...GOD help me. What do I feel? How much time before my brain comes back? His ex made a fool of herself at the funeral. Crawling under the casket, the dramatic collaspe when she walked up to the casket the first time, mad I did not put her name on the flowers I paid for, demanding eveything from the funeral, and the poor kids. While the kids are still in a mess, I grieve beyond words. The pain is so intense, I have to push it away. I did not realize I protected him so much. Til his death. The family all pitched in to lay him to rest with respect, and honor. The EX said we had to okay the detaills with her, and she would aprove them. I knew that I would need the divorce papers, (she claimed they were married, I had to prove they were not to get the body released)so that is the first thing I did when I got home after he was carried from his house. She never offered a dime or a thought to his funeral. I tried to stay one step ahead of her. It has worked so far. All the extra faxing due to her wanting control of the funeral. She even acused my passed away brother of having her meds in his pocket. He was on the way to the MORGUE!! He had on shorts with no pockets. Are you "SERIOUS"??? She did not even call me when he died. She was scared to. I got there and like 10 people were there. I knew 2 of them. I think my brother had a life I did not know all about. Not that he hid it, but I just do not live the way he did. We are night and day. The love we have is not cut short with our different thinking. He was so free with his ways. You could like it or too bad. The thing is he could afford the trouble it caused. He was not cut out to be a provider. Some people just aren't. He was a good person. He just could not work 9 to 5, and be married. The ex and him stayed together; because, they accpeted each others disasters. They were a nightmare from the second I met her. I knew that life was about to get really hard. I know this skips around, but I am a mess. A BIG BUCKET OF MUDD MESS!! I do not know what to do for the kids, and I sure can not relate to my brother being gone. How do you accept that? Even with faith. The kids are just gone too. The ex tries to turn my brother's kids against me. We are waiting on TOX REPORTS to find out what took place. He did not look like my brother...he died in his bed. He did not feel good. The mixture of something is what did the trick. We know that he talked to his boss at 2pm and we know he stopped snorring at 3pm. The ex found him at 7:45pm. To see that was, I have no words. I have no words for the pain, guilt, wanting her to pay, missing the kids, the funeral, his things, that last BEAR HUG he gave 6 days before his death, (that hug haunts me, I knew that was the last one, there was something just stabbing to my thoughts and emotions that flooded me with that hug) I could see that he was leaving us. I just did not know what to do. I offered rehab as he walked out the door. I was pulling away so it would not hurt so bad. What is wrong with me? I texed him eveyday, but the day he passed. I just did not want to mess with it that one day. Then he DIED!! He was like my baby. I love him and always will in the present tense. I do hope that when GOD is ready for me, I see my brother right away. I do not want to feel this ever again. It scares me to have my kids leave the house. My husband leave the house. When we are all home, what a relief it is. I miss you, BUBBA... I should not have wrote such personal details, but this is TOO MUCH!! My brother would not want me to write this, he just woud not!!! He hated his business out-n-about. Maybe just maybe someone else has a thought to help.

Permalink Reply by Pam on March 15, 2009 at 12:48pm

http://www.legacy.com/CAN-Vancouver/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=...
Cassie I hear the pain in your words. Your brother sounded so much like my sister in the last ten years. Thos she tried to bring a brave face forward. I think they my sister and your brother know we love them. I hope they do. I can hear the fear in your letter, it feels similar to the sadness , fear that i have. I don't have the anger you are carrying towards the kids mother. That must be so hard on you. Such a huge dark place inside that you have to try and deal with. I have no answers, I'm just going to say To try and take baby steps, thats all i can do right now.So i hope you can take baby steps each day. Look towards your life and hope you can find some kind of peace.
Tho my sister passed on Feb 25 we didn't know until Mar 3. She lived alone. She was more than my baby sister she was my like my daughter. Her and my daughter are 4 years difference and wherever we lived or moved to she came along, by the time she was 8 mom and i had brought a house to raise her and my kids together. She was more than my sibling. But maybe the love is the same The loss the same I don't know. We buried her on March 6. The house was full of people and three days later they all left.
Its like now a few weeks later , its just over. Everybody went back to there lives. But I can't. I cry. I fear the nights. I wonder why , we didn't know, why you had to leave when you did. Its so quiet. And shes not here. I just can't stop crying. And I can't sleep anymore. I miss you so much.

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