Today has been eleven months to the day since my big brother passed. Surprisingly, I'm not sad! I feel more accepting of it. Of course, I miss him more than anything, but I know that he would'nt want me to cry anymore. Up until he passed, I cried liked a baby, and I know that wasent good, for him or for me. I was so full of anger and sadness at the same time, I did'nt give myself time to go through each "stage". All I felt was I want'ed him back, and NOW! I finally realized that I was being selfish, and came to accept that he would'nt be coming back. He died on my birthday, and that day is coming up in exactly one month! I've been trying to prepare myself for that day, but how could anyone do that? How do I know how I'm going to be on that day, all I can do is pray and ask for strength. Every birthday will be a strong reminder of his death, but I want to remember that day as a celebration of his life, too! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH LEVI, AND I WILL FOREVER MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Devona Rodricq said:
Today was a solemn day for me. Its my husbands 48th birthday and he wanted me to bake him a cherry chip cake. I obliged, but with graet sadness. See, cherry chip was my brothers favorite. i said that to my husband and he pfft me. He thinks everything I talk about revolves around my brother, I need to move on, thats life. Get over it. WTF!!! Hes been gone 3 1/2 months. 100 days & 1hr today. My life! My best friend! I went to his crash site today with my mom and cleaned up around the cross. Watered the flowers we planted, picked up the empty beer can his best friend left behind when he visited the other day. My mom said he would have thought his friend cheap for not leaving a full one for him to have.
Yesterday was a horrible day. The tears were right on the verge all day. I thought I saw a construction worker who looked just like him. I spoke to him and told him how hard it was to get through a day and that I dont know how to do this without him! I am so lost! Then I looked up in the sky and I kid you not, there was a cloud that resembled a smiley face!! I almost drove off the road! I miss him soo much my stomach hurts! I went to bed and just silently cried. I cried so hard I woke up and looked like a frog this morning. His wife said she is doing fine because she just knows hes in a better place, but she knew him for three & a half years! Try 44!! I dont know how to do this!! I try to pray to god to take good care of him, then I start crying, I try to talk to him, and I start crying! I put on a good face in public and around my family, but inside I am physically dying! I think they are tired of me talking about & trying to make sense of this whole thing! My hubby says maybe I should see a shrink. What? Is it me? Or should he be a bit more compassionate? Dear god! I think the latter! I told him I hope he never has to feel the pain of losing someone close to him & go through what I am. He said he wont cuz guys dont grieve like women.I beg to differ. I just think some people dont let themselves get close enough to people to grieve. How sad. I believe the more you loved someone the more you will grieve. I am feeling a bit alone on this one. Thanks for letting me blog my guts out to you all. I just really miss my little brother.