Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Meagan on August 10, 2009 at 4:34am

so...it's 4:10 am. and i have yet to sleep tonight. i guess everything is just starting to hit me. i just recently lost my youngest brother "ronnie" about 2 weeks ago. he was only 9 yrs. old. him and my 14yr. old were playing with an old black powder gun in the living room of my fathers home, which they thought was a replica gun, cause my dad does own some replicas. but anyway... it had been clicking a few times, untill suddenly it went off and him ronnie in his eye and went through to his brain. the only people that were my two little brothers and my 11 yr. old little sister, who was sleeping when the accident ocurred. my dad was on his way home from work. and i have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year now. anyways... ronnie was life lighted to a hospital 30 mins(driving time) away. and didnt make it in the hellicopter. while my dad was rushing to the hospital to meet him there, he called and told me what had happend. i instantly broke down and started praying. but all i could pray were selfish prayers. ya know? "lord, dont take him from me!", stuff like that. about 20 mins. later my dad called and told me to go to my grandmothers house and we were gonna pray like we never prayed before, i tried to ask him if ronnie was okay but he wouldnt answer. i was the first of us kids to be at my grandmothers. dustin my 14 yr old brother was being questioned at the police department. and morgan was with our family church pastor. once dad, grandmother and grandaddy arriverd, my dad held me tight, started balling his eyes out and said "my baby is gone!" right then i couldnt even cry. i felt numb. like nothing was even happening, like it wasnt even real. i cried here and there. but not like you would think if you were to lose your youngest brother, that you have taken care since he was 2 or 3. and they way i usually handle depression and stress cause is not quite the way ronnie would want me to. so i stayed sober for about a week, just to stay clear headed cause i also used to cut myself out of depression. i guess the pain just detracted me from my emotional pain. im glad to say i havent starting cutting again, but im also disappointed to say that this past week i havent stayed sober. but now i am, and all the friends are gone now to their own houses and my boyfriend is sleeping. and the only thing i can think of is how much i miss that sweet gentle boy!

Permalink Reply by Nikki Giles on August 10, 2009 at 8:29pm

Meagan. I'm sorry about your little brother. it's horrible when you loose a sibling when you're about our age. (any age, but we're supposed to be older, right!) You seem like you are about the same age as me. My brother was older than me, but i have taken care of him since i was about 7 every summer and a week every other month. Things will get easier... you'll have days that you just want to sit and cry. It will be 8 months tomorrow that i lost my brother troy, and the other day i was at my boyfriend's house (he was with me for troy's funeral and everything else... and came and got me after i found out at work.) He and i talked about troy, but it seemed like everywhere i went i saw something that reminded me of Troy... wheather it was a Cowboy's star or a person in a wheelchair and i tried ot to think about it, but when we got back to the house after being in town all weekend, i heard the song his uncle sang at his funeral and i lost control, i was the only person in the house, my boyfriend was out working on his car and he didnt know what was going on in my head. but you will have your days, and being on here will definately help! it has helped me a ton. The people on here are amazing and if you are ever feeling down, you can just come on here and vent and people will let you know you arent alone!

Take Care,
Nikki

Meagan said:

so...it's 4:10 am. and i have yet to sleep tonight. i guess everything is just starting to hit me. i just recently lost my youngest brother "ronnie" about 2 weeks ago. he was only 9 yrs. old. him and my 14yr. old were playing with an old black powder gun in the living room of my fathers home, which they thought was a replica gun, cause my dad does own some replicas. but anyway... it had been clicking a few times, untill suddenly it went off and him ronnie in his eye and went through to his brain. the only people that were my two little brothers and my 11 yr. old little sister, who was sleeping when the accident ocurred. my dad was on his way home from work. and i have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year now. anyways... ronnie was life lighted to a hospital 30 mins(driving time) away. and didnt make it in the hellicopter. while my dad was rushing to the hospital to meet him there, he called and told me what had happend. i instantly broke down and started praying. but all i could pray were selfish prayers. ya know? "lord, dont take him from me!", stuff like that. about 20 mins. later my dad called and told me to go to my grandmothers house and we were gonna pray like we never prayed before, i tried to ask him if ronnie was okay but he wouldnt answer. i was the first of us kids to be at my grandmothers. dustin my 14 yr old brother was being questioned at the police department. and morgan was with our family church pastor. once dad, grandmother and grandaddy arriverd, my dad held me tight, started balling his eyes out and said "my baby is gone!" right then i couldnt even cry. i felt numb. like nothing was even happening, like it wasnt even real. i cried here and there. but not like you would think if you were to lose your youngest brother, that you have taken care since he was 2 or 3. and they way i usually handle depression and stress cause is not quite the way ronnie would want me to. so i stayed sober for about a week, just to stay clear headed cause i also used to cut myself out of depression. i guess the pain just detracted me from my emotional pain. im glad to say i havent starting cutting again, but im also disappointed to say that this past week i havent stayed sober. but now i am, and all the friends are gone now to their own houses and my boyfriend is sleeping. and the only thing i can think of is how much i miss that sweet gentle boy!

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on August 11, 2009 at 8:31pm

MEAGAN, there just aren't words for me to tell you how sorry i am for your loss. it is so very hard to deal with when a child is lost. there are many sources online that can be helpful. i subscribe to griefshare daily emails. they have been quite helpful to me. every single one seems to address an issue i am dealing with. i too lost a brother. please continue to remind yourself that your brother would want you to take care of yourself and be as healthy as you can. right now, i know that is a very tall order. don't every hesitate to reach out when you need help. there are some grief recovery seminars in just about every town. i did some drinking myself and i surely would never ever judge or preach but i have to tell you from my personal experience, it just did not help. when i did drink, the next day the depression was even worse than before. i think grief recovery is a very long very slow very gut wrenching process that can only be dealth with in baby steps. i am about six months into this and i really don't think it is something you ever get over, but you get through it. allow yourself to cry, cry, and cry some more. i would also say talk to people. don't be afraid to tell people what you are experiencing. you will be surprised how supportive some people will be. now, i do have to tell you that some people just will not understand what you are going through. i also got some, actually a lot of comfort from prayer and from my church. i noticed after a point, i did begin to have days that were some better. i still miss my brother and i always always will but i am working very hard to make him proud of me. he would want me to hang tough. but, occasionally, something will trigger a horrible sadness and i just let it happen, but, eventually and slowly it will gently retreat away from me. i pray you can find some peace soon. this has been a wonderful site for me to voice my feelings and read of others feelings and experiences. it does help. please please, take care of yourself. be good to yourself. you deserve it and your brother would want this for you. peace, love, and prayers, sandy

Nikki Giles said:

Meagan. I'm sorry about your little brother. it's horrible when you loose a sibling when you're about our age. (any age, but we're supposed to be older, right!) You seem like you are about the same age as me. My brother was older than me, but i have taken care of him since i was about 7 every summer and a week every other month. Things will get easier... you'll have days that you just want to sit and cry. It will be 8 months tomorrow that i lost my brother troy, and the other day i was at my boyfriend's house (he was with me for troy's funeral and everything else... and came and got me after i found out at work.) He and i talked about troy, but it seemed like everywhere i went i saw something that reminded me of Troy... wheather it was a Cowboy's star or a person in a wheelchair and i tried ot to think about it, but when we got back to the house after being in town all weekend, i heard the song his uncle sang at his funeral and i lost control, i was the only person in the house, my boyfriend was out working on his car and he didnt know what was going on in my head. but you will have your days, and being on here will definately help! it has helped me a ton. The people on here are amazing and if you are ever feeling down, you can just come on here and vent and people will let you know you arent alone!

Take Care,
Nikki

Meagan said:

so...it's 4:10 am. and i have yet to sleep tonight. i guess everything is just starting to hit me. i just recently lost my youngest brother "ronnie" about 2 weeks ago. he was only 9 yrs. old. him and my 14yr. old were playing with an old black powder gun in the living room of my fathers home, which they thought was a replica gun, cause my dad does own some replicas. but anyway... it had been clicking a few times, untill suddenly it went off and him ronnie in his eye and went through to his brain. the only people that were my two little brothers and my 11 yr. old little sister, who was sleeping when the accident ocurred. my dad was on his way home from work. and i have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year now. anyways... ronnie was life lighted to a hospital 30 mins(driving time) away. and didnt make it in the hellicopter. while my dad was rushing to the hospital to meet him there, he called and told me what had happend. i instantly broke down and started praying. but all i could pray were selfish prayers. ya know? "lord, dont take him from me!", stuff like that. about 20 mins. later my dad called and told me to go to my grandmothers house and we were gonna pray like we never prayed before, i tried to ask him if ronnie was okay but he wouldnt answer. i was the first of us kids to be at my grandmothers. dustin my 14 yr old brother was being questioned at the police department. and morgan was with our family church pastor. once dad, grandmother and grandaddy arriverd, my dad held me tight, started balling his eyes out and said "my baby is gone!" right then i couldnt even cry. i felt numb. like nothing was even happening, like it wasnt even real. i cried here and there. but not like you would think if you were to lose your youngest brother, that you have taken care since he was 2 or 3. and they way i usually handle depression and stress cause is not quite the way ronnie would want me to. so i stayed sober for about a week, just to stay clear headed cause i also used to cut myself out of depression. i guess the pain just detracted me from my emotional pain. im glad to say i havent starting cutting again, but im also disappointed to say that this past week i havent stayed sober. but now i am, and all the friends are gone now to their own houses and my boyfriend is sleeping. and the only thing i can think of is how much i miss that sweet gentle boy!

Permalink Reply by Effie on August 15, 2009 at 6:23am

The thought I woke up with this morning was simply..."I want my brother back!". I said it out loud over and over...Maybe If I say it long enough and mean it enough, maybe if, maybe...when I pass on, he will be there? But what if he's not? What if that's it? What if I really will never see or hear or or hug my best buddy ever again? I guess that's why we can't see the future. It's probably better not to know. Inside the unknown, there is hope...I hope...I hope...Because life without him is a lot harder. I'm as single mom and he was my only sibling. My parents are older and live far away. I just moved to Maine and I know one person, who is married and busy. I guess right now I feel a bit lost. Like dust in the wind...Sometimes....There are no words for what I feel. Almost like a child who can't yet speak, but who fully understands. You know the song, One, by Metallica? That's kind of like how I feel today...but it's today. Tomorrow there will be another one. Maybe it will be better...I hope. :-)

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on August 17, 2009 at 9:15pm

effie, i woke up this morning and things just didn't feel right, no surprise there, but it was a different, even more unsettling than usual. the day just continued to worsen for my emotional state. by late afternoon, the crying started and of course once it starts, it goes on for a long time. i just guess it never ends. and the pain sometimes lessens and then hits again with more force than ever. i think about the cemetery and him under all that dirt and i just get nauseated. i don't make myself think this way, it just happens. i am like you, i hope for better days. i pray for us all, love, sandy

Effie said:

The thought I woke up with this morning was simply..."I want my brother back!". I said it out loud over and over...Maybe If I say it long enough and mean it enough, maybe if, maybe...when I pass on, he will be there? But what if he's not? What if that's it? What if I really will never see or hear or or hug my best buddy ever again? I guess that's why we can't see the future. It's probably better not to know. Inside the unknown, there is hope...I hope...I hope...Because life without him is a lot harder. I'm as single mom and he was my only sibling. My parents are older and live far away. I just moved to Maine and I know one person, who is married and busy. I guess right now I feel a bit lost. Like dust in the wind...Sometimes....There are no words for what I feel. Almost like a child who can't yet speak, but who fully understands. You know the song, One, by Metallica? That's kind of like how I feel today...but it's today. Tomorrow there will be another one. Maybe it will be better...I hope. :-)

Permalink Reply by maria Gikas on August 18, 2009 at 5:24am

Effie said:

The thought I woke up with this morning was simply..."I want my brother back!". I said it out loud over and over...Maybe If I say it long enough and mean it enough, maybe if, maybe...when I pass on, he will be there? But what if he's not? What if that's it? What if I really will never see or hear or or hug my best buddy ever again? I guess that's why we can't see the future. It's probably better not to know. Inside the unknown, there is hope...I hope...I hope...Because life without him is a lot harder. I'm as single mom and he was my only sibling. My parents are older and live far away. I just moved to Maine and I know one person, who is married and busy. I guess right now I feel a bit lost. Like dust in the wind...Sometimes....There are no words for what I feel. Almost like a child who can't yet speak, but who fully understands. You know the song, One, by Metallica? That's kind of like how I feel today...but it's today. Tomorrow there will be another one. Maybe it will be better...I hope. :-)

Permalink Reply by maria Gikas on August 18, 2009 at 5:36am

Hi there effie,
your words are how i feel on a daily basis controlling the emotions with people that see you and don't know what's going on in your heart and head, my brother is gone and i to struggle with the feelings of why did this have to happen to my sweet bro he had his life to lead and so much to look forward to and it was taken away from him. We were supposed to grow old together he was 9 years younger so why did this happen. I will never except it and i want to scream too. People seem to move on and that saddens me so. My life has changed forever and the fun loving maria is gone as my brother bought that out in me. I feel for you and their are no words to ease this pain.
take care Mazza.

Permalink Reply by Effie on August 18, 2009 at 6:07am

Maria, My brother was 8 years younger than me, but he was so tall, 6'3, I called him my "big" brother. Thank you for what you said. Most of the time I am just a shell. I talk and walk and do what I have to do, but the spark is gone. I feel guilt because he would want me to be happier but it's very hard most of the time. Although I try. I have two daughters who need to see me get through this...but I don't know how. Reading what you and others have to say is one of the only kinds of relief I have. Just knowing someone out there knows...who understands and who doesn't tell me "it will get better", or, "it will be ok". No one here tries to distract from the pain, we all let each other feel it and comfort one another. It really does keep me together some days. Thank you and thank you Sandy! Another day begins with tears...but hoping they stop before I have to drive my kids to camp. I always have my sunglasses...Peace.

maria Gikas said:

Hi there effie,
your words are how i feel on a daily basis controlling the emotions with people that see you and don't know what's going on in your heart and head, my brother is gone and i to struggle with the feelings of why did this have to happen to my sweet bro he had his life to lead and so much to look forward to and it was taken away from him. We were supposed to grow old together he was 9 years younger so why did this happen. I will never except it and i want to scream too. People seem to move on and that saddens me so. My life has changed forever and the fun loving maria is gone as my brother bought that out in me. I feel for you and their are no words to ease this pain.
take care Mazza.

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on August 18, 2009 at 8:56am

maria and effie, it is hard to lose a "baby" brother. yesterday i tried to go for a walk thinking it might help. before it was over, i had tears running down my cheeks and my stomach hurt from trying not to just sob. i am concerned for us all in that i know all of this grief and raw emotion will effect our health. and we all three do have reasons to go on and people who depend on us. saying that though sure doesn't make it easy or make it happen. i am trying, i really am. i know some people think i am not and i know you both know i am trying as hard as i can. i have almost gone manic staying so busy physically. i load myself up with more than one human can do. but when the crash comes, it really is a crash. but still, i do think busy helps. however, we all know some days it doesn't matter what you do or don't do. i will keep trying as i know you two will and i will pray for all of us. peace and love, sandy

Effie said:

Maria, My brother was 8 years younger than me, but he was so tall, 6'3, I called him my "big" brother. Thank you for what you said. Most of the time I am just a shell. I talk and walk and do what I have to do, but the spark is gone. I feel guilt because he would want me to be happier but it's very hard most of the time. Although I try. I have two daughters who need to see me get through this...but I don't know how. Reading what you and others have to say is one of the only kinds of relief I have. Just knowing someone out there knows...who understands and who doesn't tell me "it will get better", or, "it will be ok". No one here tries to distract from the pain, we all let each other feel it and comfort one another. It really does keep me together some days. Thank you and thank you Sandy! Another day begins with tears...but hoping they stop before I have to drive my kids to camp. I always have my sunglasses...Peace.

maria Gikas said:

Hi there effie,
your words are how i feel on a daily basis controlling the emotions with people that see you and don't know what's going on in your heart and head, my brother is gone and i to struggle with the feelings of why did this have to happen to my sweet bro he had his life to lead and so much to look forward to and it was taken away from him. We were supposed to grow old together he was 9 years younger so why did this happen. I will never except it and i want to scream too. People seem to move on and that saddens me so. My life has changed forever and the fun loving maria is gone as my brother bought that out in me. I feel for you and their are no words to ease this pain.
take care Mazza.

Permalink Reply by connie on August 20, 2009 at 3:05pm

Well I thank the Lord for this website I stumbled across today. This is a blessing! On 4/22/06, I lost my only sibling, my 46 year old brother to cancer, and talk about being treated like a second class mourner. I might as well been invisible at my own brother's funeral and during the stressful tense moments leading up to his death. As a Christian who loves the Lord, I try not to be bitter about it, but it was such a lonely time for me and I felt such a heavy load. It was like I was carrying dead weight. I also was so busy comforting my grieving parents at his funeral that I couldn't grieve, but that was the grace of God keeping me strong for my parents. When a person loses their sibling, (especially if its their only sibling) it is a pain like no other. The pain of loneliness is deeper than a knife wound. I do plan on going to a grief group at a church in the area that starts in September. The way a lot of people act, it's like losing a sibling is unreal. But losing a sibling is just as real as losing a parent or a child or a spouse. And I'm also an animal lover, but to people who don't have pets, to them it's like, who cares, it's just a four legged mutt! That's how it feels when you have lost your sibling--like you lost your pet, and people expect you to get over it!! Well, just as a pet is a valuable member of your family, so was my brother, and I wish people could exercise a little more compassion to those of us who have lost our siblings and stop treating us as if we just lost our dog. I'm sorry for rambling on like this, but stuff like this makes me hot. Even Jesus Christ grieved when his friend Lazarus died, and then he raised him from the dead! Anyway, I pray that if you have lost your loved one, I encourage you to seek out a grief group either in a church or somewhere in your community because this stuff is just as real as losing a parent, a child, a grandparent, or a spouse. Heck, even if you lost your pet, find a group to go to for pet survivors or start your own. Remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Stop being independent, like I was trying to be, and just take a chance and go to a grief support group. It can take a load off and help you come to terms with your loss so that you can go on with your life as your brother or sister would want you to do. And you can lose that extra weight (the depression and loniness and despair) and just begin to live again. Anyway, thank you, whomever you are, for listening to me ramble and sputter on. May God continue to bless and keep you.

Permalink Reply by Valerie on August 30, 2009 at 9:22am

Connie:
Oh, how I can relate to your message. I lost my brother two years ago this coming September 8th. We had such a bond with one another as he had never married, not wanting the responsibilities of a wife and family. I always knew that his life would end up the way it did. I encouraged him. I tried my best to tell him he needed someone to love and be loved; so when he was old, he wouldn't be alone. How I wish his life could have been better for he lived a lonely one all his adult life. I so agree with you that people don't understand how you feel by losing your brother. I still have one other brother but he is very cold, hard hearted and the type that feels, "Oh, just get over it!" How nice for him that he can stop thinking about our brother and go back to being selfish for he has never been a brother to me. We have no contact even though we live 10 minutes from one another. He is to busy making money and taking expensive trips. So, in a way I have felt a double loss but I feel the most from the loss of my oldest brother who like I said has been gone almost two years. What has been the hardest for me was finding my brother unresponsive at his home and having to sit for two days watching his life slowing leaving his body. He had suffered from a massive stroke and for those first few hours, I know he was in pain even though there wasn't a way for him to tell us. Finally, after watching my brother's body stiffen up for the umteenth time, I asked a nurse if he could be in pain? She hadn't any real answer but I asked if there wasn't something that she could do to make his remaining hours more peaceful. The nurse got an order for a morphine drip and I can honestly tell you that within a few minutes of the I.V. being started, my brother's body relaxed and it was as if he were peacefully sleeping. After two days of sitting by his bedside, for I never wanted him to be alone, he passed away in the early morning of Sept. 8th. I can only tell you that my heart was broken that morning as I bent down and kissed my brother's cheek. And it became worse the day of his funeral when I couldn't handle the finality of the Mortician closing the casket. When we were asked if we wanted to say our last goodbyes, I sobbed on my brother's chest leaving mascara on his shirt. I have laughed a bit about that saying, " my brother took a wee bit of me with him."
How do you stop thinking about your sibling? We were so close, always had been from childhood. We thought alike, we enjoyed the same music, movies, TV programs, food. Oh, how we enjoyed eating out at Sizzler, or Red Lobster or just going to Wendy's for a cheeseburger. I miss those times so much. I miss the long phone calls we shared every other day. With his other health issues before he passed, he was afraid to drive so I would drive into his home and help him run errands or take him to see his doctor. Long before he passed, I was beginning to mourn him, for watching my brother who was only 4 years older than I declining, and not being able to change his situation, I felt so helpless. He went from being a healthy, happy, vibrant man to hardly being able to walk and looking more like a man in his 80's. I too em a Christian and how often I would turn to God for answers and strength. My brother unfortunately, didn't have a saving knowledge of God so again, my mourning continues knowing what the Bible teaches.
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't care what people say, my brother will always be in my heart and I miss him everyday. No amount of time can ease that feeling. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that you will find the peace you are needing. I for one will never know it until my time on earth is over. May God bless you for caring so much about your brother. You are a special sister, never forget that, as I am certain your brother knows it too.
Valerie

connie said:

Well I thank the Lord for this website I stumbled across today. This is a blessing! On 4/22/06, I lost my only sibling, my 46 year old brother to cancer, and talk about being treated like a second class mourner. I might as well been invisible at my own brother's funeral and during the stressful tense moments leading up to his death. As a Christian who loves the Lord, I try not to be bitter about it, but it was such a lonely time for me and I felt such a heavy load. It was like I was carrying dead weight. I also was so busy comforting my grieving parents at his funeral that I couldn't grieve, but that was the grace of God keeping me strong for my parents. When a person loses their sibling, (especially if its their only sibling) it is a pain like no other. The pain of loneliness is deeper than a knife wound. I do plan on going to a grief group at a church in the area that starts in September. The way a lot of people act, it's like losing a sibling is unreal. But losing a sibling is just as real as losing a parent or a child or a spouse. And I'm also an animal lover, but to people who don't have pets, to them it's like, who cares, it's just a four legged mutt! That's how it feels when you have lost your sibling--like you lost your pet, and people expect you to get over it!! Well, just as a pet is a valuable member of your family, so was my brother, and I wish people could exercise a little more compassion to those of us who have lost our siblings and stop treating us as if we just lost our dog. I'm sorry for rambling on like this, but stuff like this makes me hot. Even Jesus Christ grieved when his friend Lazarus died, and then he raised him from the dead! Anyway, I pray that if you have lost your loved one, I encourage you to seek out a grief group either in a church or somewhere in your community because this stuff is just as real as losing a parent, a child, a grandparent, or a spouse. Heck, even if you lost your pet, find a group to go to for pet survivors or start your own. Remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Stop being independent, like I was trying to be, and just take a chance and go to a grief support group. It can take a load off and help you come to terms with your loss so that you can go on with your life as your brother or sister would want you to do. And you can lose that extra weight (the depression and loniness and despair) and just begin to live again. Anyway, thank you, whomever you are, for listening to me ramble and sputter on. May God continue to bless and keep you.

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on September 2, 2009 at 4:24pm

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx
Valerie, Sept 4th will be 2 years since I lost my sister and you are so right that nothing eases the pain. I had a very difficult walk through mental illness with my sister but I would give anything to share another day with her. My heart just breaks at the idea of her not being here. I know she has a better life now with the Lord and she has no more battle to wage but the heartbreak will always be there. I finished her garden today and added more to her memorial site so that I would have everything ready for her 2nd angelversary.. God bless all and remember Abby on Sept 4th along with all of the other angels that give us comfort. Thank you Lord for caring for my special sister. Stephanie

Valerie said:

Connie:
Oh, how I can relate to your message. I lost my brother two years ago this coming September 8th. We had such a bond with one another as he had never married, not wanting the responsibilities of a wife and family. I always knew that his life would end up the way it did. I encouraged him. I tried my best to tell him he needed someone to love and be loved; so when he was old, he wouldn't be alone. How I wish his life could have been better for he lived a lonely one all his adult life. I so agree with you that people don't understand how you feel by losing your brother. I still have one other brother but he is very cold, hard hearted and the type that feels, "Oh, just get over it!" How nice for him that he can stop thinking about our brother and go back to being selfish for he has never been a brother to me. We have no contact even though we live 10 minutes from one another. He is to busy making money and taking expensive trips. So, in a way I have felt a double loss but I feel the most from the loss of my oldest brother who like I said has been gone almost two years. What has been the hardest for me was finding my brother unresponsive at his home and having to sit for two days watching his life slowing leaving his body. He had suffered from a massive stroke and for those first few hours, I know he was in pain even though there wasn't a way for him to tell us. Finally, after watching my brother's body stiffen up for the umteenth time, I asked a nurse if he could be in pain? She hadn't any real answer but I asked if there wasn't something that she could do to make his remaining hours more peaceful. The nurse got an order for a morphine drip and I can honestly tell you that within a few minutes of the I.V. being started, my brother's body relaxed and it was as if he were peacefully sleeping. After two days of sitting by his bedside, for I never wanted him to be alone, he passed away in the early morning of Sept. 8th. I can only tell you that my heart was broken that morning as I bent down and kissed my brother's cheek. And it became worse the day of his funeral when I couldn't handle the finality of the Mortician closing the casket. When we were asked if we wanted to say our last goodbyes, I sobbed on my brother's chest leaving mascara on his shirt. I have laughed a bit about that saying, " my brother took a wee bit of me with him."
How do you stop thinking about your sibling? We were so close, always had been from childhood. We thought alike, we enjoyed the same music, movies, TV programs, food. Oh, how we enjoyed eating out at Sizzler, or Red Lobster or just going to Wendy's for a cheeseburger. I miss those times so much. I miss the long phone calls we shared every other day. With his other health issues before he passed, he was afraid to drive so I would drive into his home and help him run errands or take him to see his doctor. Long before he passed, I was beginning to mourn him, for watching my brother who was only 4 years older than I declining, and not being able to change his situation, I felt so helpless. He went from being a healthy, happy, vibrant man to hardly being able to walk and looking more like a man in his 80's. I too em a Christian and how often I would turn to God for answers and strength. My brother unfortunately, didn't have a saving knowledge of God so again, my mourning continues knowing what the Bible teaches.
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't care what people say, my brother will always be in my heart and I miss him everyday. No amount of time can ease that feeling. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that you will find the peace you are needing. I for one will never know it until my time on earth is over. May God bless you for caring so much about your brother. You are a special sister, never forget that, as I am certain your brother knows it too.
Valerie

connie said:

Well I thank the Lord for this website I stumbled across today. This is a blessing! On 4/22/06, I lost my only sibling, my 46 year old brother to cancer, and talk about being treated like a second class mourner. I might as well been invisible at my own brother's funeral and during the stressful tense moments leading up to his death. As a Christian who loves the Lord, I try not to be bitter about it, but it was such a lonely time for me and I felt such a heavy load. It was like I was carrying dead weight. I also was so busy comforting my grieving parents at his funeral that I couldn't grieve, but that was the grace of God keeping me strong for my parents. When a person loses their sibling, (especially if its their only sibling) it is a pain like no other. The pain of loneliness is deeper than a knife wound. I do plan on going to a grief group at a church in the area that starts in September. The way a lot of people act, it's like losing a sibling is unreal. But losing a sibling is just as real as losing a parent or a child or a spouse. And I'm also an animal lover, but to people who don't have pets, to them it's like, who cares, it's just a four legged mutt! That's how it feels when you have lost your sibling--like you lost your pet, and people expect you to get over it!! Well, just as a pet is a valuable member of your family, so was my brother, and I wish people could exercise a little more compassion to those of us who have lost our siblings and stop treating us as if we just lost our dog. I'm sorry for rambling on like this, but stuff like this makes me hot. Even Jesus Christ grieved when his friend Lazarus died, and then he raised him from the dead! Anyway, I pray that if you have lost your loved one, I encourage you to seek out a grief group either in a church or somewhere in your community because this stuff is just as real as losing a parent, a child, a grandparent, or a spouse. Heck, even if you lost your pet, find a group to go to for pet survivors or start your own. Remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Stop being independent, like I was trying to be, and just take a chance and go to a grief support group. It can take a load off and help you come to terms with your loss so that you can go on with your life as your brother or sister would want you to do. And you can lose that extra weight (the depression and loniness and despair) and just begin to live again. Anyway, thank you, whomever you are, for listening to me ramble and sputter on. May God continue to bless and keep you.

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