Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on September 2, 2009 at 10:20pm

stephanie and valerie, both of your stories are absolutely heartbreaking in their own ways. stephanie i am so sorry you and abbie had to endure our countries lack of compassion for mental illness. we can be such an ignorant and uncaring nation. your devotion to her is beyond compare. and i feel like i can say with certainty, you will see her again in Heaven. with your work and passion to heal the health system for mental illness, your abbie did not pass away in vain. but i do know the grief of losing a sibling although we were hurt in a completely different way. the shock, suddeness, was almost unbearable. the day i got
the call will be imprinted in my mind and heart forever and ever. and it was the most horrible day ever for me and i will never get over it. never never ever. you deserve all the compassion and admiration one can give. such a devotion as i have never seen. i wish for you peace, comfort, healing, anything that makes it where you can at least somewhat function. and valerie, your relationship with your brother sounds so sweet and loving and i know you will never ever recover from your loss. and i am so sorry. we can really say we are sorry and mean it with every fiber of our being because we really know, we really know, although we would rather not have had this experience that does make us understanding and compassionate. i know valerie that you will never get over it but as i have been told by some kind people, you get through it. i guess that is all we may hope for. but, i know our siblings, all of them, would not want us to be sad to the point that we are. but, i have to say, it is the hardest thing i have ever experienced. i now fear death, not for myself, but who will i lose next. it scares me almost to a crippling effect. i will just continue to pray and try to be a blessing to others, that seems to help a little. i do miss my brother and i always always will. i will pray for you valerie and you stephanie. peace, sandy davis

Stephanie said:

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx
Valerie, Sept 4th will be 2 years since I lost my sister and you are so right that nothing eases the pain. I had a very difficult walk through mental illness with my sister but I would give anything to share another day with her. My heart just breaks at the idea of her not being here. I know she has a better life now with the Lord and she has no more battle to wage but the heartbreak will always be there. I finished her garden today and added more to her memorial site so that I would have everything ready for her 2nd angelversary.. God bless all and remember Abby on Sept 4th along with all of the other angels that give us comfort. Thank you Lord for caring for my special sister. Stephanie

Valerie said:

Connie:
Oh, how I can relate to your message. I lost my brother two years ago this coming September 8th. We had such a bond with one another as he had never married, not wanting the responsibilities of a wife and family. I always knew that his life would end up the way it did. I encouraged him. I tried my best to tell him he needed someone to love and be loved; so when he was old, he wouldn't be alone. How I wish his life could have been better for he lived a lonely one all his adult life. I so agree with you that people don't understand how you feel by losing your brother. I still have one other brother but he is very cold, hard hearted and the type that feels, "Oh, just get over it!" How nice for him that he can stop thinking about our brother and go back to being selfish for he has never been a brother to me. We have no contact even though we live 10 minutes from one another. He is to busy making money and taking expensive trips. So, in a way I have felt a double loss but I feel the most from the loss of my oldest brother who like I said has been gone almost two years. What has been the hardest for me was finding my brother unresponsive at his home and having to sit for two days watching his life slowing leaving his body. He had suffered from a massive stroke and for those first few hours, I know he was in pain even though there wasn't a way for him to tell us. Finally, after watching my brother's body stiffen up for the umteenth time, I asked a nurse if he could be in pain? She hadn't any real answer but I asked if there wasn't something that she could do to make his remaining hours more peaceful. The nurse got an order for a morphine drip and I can honestly tell you that within a few minutes of the I.V. being started, my brother's body relaxed and it was as if he were peacefully sleeping. After two days of sitting by his bedside, for I never wanted him to be alone, he passed away in the early morning of Sept. 8th. I can only tell you that my heart was broken that morning as I bent down and kissed my brother's cheek. And it became worse the day of his funeral when I couldn't handle the finality of the Mortician closing the casket. When we were asked if we wanted to say our last goodbyes, I sobbed on my brother's chest leaving mascara on his shirt. I have laughed a bit about that saying, " my brother took a wee bit of me with him."
How do you stop thinking about your sibling? We were so close, always had been from childhood. We thought alike, we enjoyed the same music, movies, TV programs, food. Oh, how we enjoyed eating out at Sizzler, or Red Lobster or just going to Wendy's for a cheeseburger. I miss those times so much. I miss the long phone calls we shared every other day. With his other health issues before he passed, he was afraid to drive so I would drive into his home and help him run errands or take him to see his doctor. Long before he passed, I was beginning to mourn him, for watching my brother who was only 4 years older than I declining, and not being able to change his situation, I felt so helpless. He went from being a healthy, happy, vibrant man to hardly being able to walk and looking more like a man in his 80's. I too em a Christian and how often I would turn to God for answers and strength. My brother unfortunately, didn't have a saving knowledge of God so again, my mourning continues knowing what the Bible teaches.
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't care what people say, my brother will always be in my heart and I miss him everyday. No amount of time can ease that feeling. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that you will find the peace you are needing. I for one will never know it until my time on earth is over. May God bless you for caring so much about your brother. You are a special sister, never forget that, as I am certain your brother knows it too.
Valerie

connie said:

Well I thank the Lord for this website I stumbled across today. This is a blessing! On 4/22/06, I lost my only sibling, my 46 year old brother to cancer, and talk about being treated like a second class mourner. I might as well been invisible at my own brother's funeral and during the stressful tense moments leading up to his death. As a Christian who loves the Lord, I try not to be bitter about it, but it was such a lonely time for me and I felt such a heavy load. It was like I was carrying dead weight. I also was so busy comforting my grieving parents at his funeral that I couldn't grieve, but that was the grace of God keeping me strong for my parents. When a person loses their sibling, (especially if its their only sibling) it is a pain like no other. The pain of loneliness is deeper than a knife wound. I do plan on going to a grief group at a church in the area that starts in September. The way a lot of people act, it's like losing a sibling is unreal. But losing a sibling is just as real as losing a parent or a child or a spouse. And I'm also an animal lover, but to people who don't have pets, to them it's like, who cares, it's just a four legged mutt! That's how it feels when you have lost your sibling--like you lost your pet, and people expect you to get over it!! Well, just as a pet is a valuable member of your family, so was my brother, and I wish people could exercise a little more compassion to those of us who have lost our siblings and stop treating us as if we just lost our dog. I'm sorry for rambling on like this, but stuff like this makes me hot. Even Jesus Christ grieved when his friend Lazarus died, and then he raised him from the dead! Anyway, I pray that if you have lost your loved one, I encourage you to seek out a grief group either in a church or somewhere in your community because this stuff is just as real as losing a parent, a child, a grandparent, or a spouse. Heck, even if you lost your pet, find a group to go to for pet survivors or start your own. Remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Stop being independent, like I was trying to be, and just take a chance and go to a grief support group. It can take a load off and help you come to terms with your loss so that you can go on with your life as your brother or sister would want you to do. And you can lose that extra weight (the depression and loniness and despair) and just begin to live again. Anyway, thank you, whomever you are, for listening to me ramble and sputter on. May God continue to bless and keep you.

Permalink Reply by Valerie on September 5, 2009 at 4:05pm

Connie: I can't thank you enough for taking time to repond to my message. Your words of kindness meant so much. Knowing there are others who feel as we do, makes it a bit better. No, I don't think I'll ever get over the loss of my brother and with the start of September and the second anniversary of his passing coming up next tuesday, I can only think about him more. I thought of you and your brother on the 4th. Oh, how all the sad memories come flooding back don't they. How I wish I had someone close to visit and share my feelings with. How I wish my remaining brother was sensitive and we could get together and share but that's not possible. So, we hold onto our memories and grieve and possibly will forever. I don't know what else to do. I drove past my parents home last week and oh, how I wanted to go to the door and talk to the new owners and ask if I could go in. We had so much fun growing up in that house, the snowball fights in winter and building snow forts and playing across the street at Mrs. Bolton's as her driveway was built over the irrigation ditch. In winter when the water was turned off, we would climb down into the ditch and play under her driveway. It was dry under there and we pretended it was our club. Mom would let us roller skate in the basement during the winter months and I don't know how she could stand the noise. We took chalk and drew lines on the concrete floor for roads. We had such fun. Ok, I think I've gone down memory lane long enough for one day. It is these happy times I do try to remember. I pray that you too can think of the happy times with your brother, when you both were young and had the whole world waiting for you. God bless you for being the best sister you could be. I know your brother looks down upon you and is your guardian angel. Thanks again.
Valerie

Valerie said:

Connie:
Oh, how I can relate to your message. I lost my brother two years ago this coming September 8th. We had such a bond with one another as he had never married, not wanting the responsibilities of a wife and family. I always knew that his life would end up the way it did. I encouraged him. I tried my best to tell him he needed someone to love and be loved; so when he was old, he wouldn't be alone. How I wish his life could have been better for he lived a lonely one all his adult life. I so agree with you that people don't understand how you feel by losing your brother. I still have one other brother but he is very cold, hard hearted and the type that feels, "Oh, just get over it!" How nice for him that he can stop thinking about our brother and go back to being selfish for he has never been a brother to me. We have no contact even though we live 10 minutes from one another. He is to busy making money and taking expensive trips. So, in a way I have felt a double loss but I feel the most from the loss of my oldest brother who like I said has been gone almost two years. What has been the hardest for me was finding my brother unresponsive at his home and having to sit for two days watching his life slowing leaving his body. He had suffered from a massive stroke and for those first few hours, I know he was in pain even though there wasn't a way for him to tell us. Finally, after watching my brother's body stiffen up for the umteenth time, I asked a nurse if he could be in pain? She hadn't any real answer but I asked if there wasn't something that she could do to make his remaining hours more peaceful. The nurse got an order for a morphine drip and I can honestly tell you that within a few minutes of the I.V. being started, my brother's body relaxed and it was as if he were peacefully sleeping. After two days of sitting by his bedside, for I never wanted him to be alone, he passed away in the early morning of Sept. 8th. I can only tell you that my heart was broken that morning as I bent down and kissed my brother's cheek. And it became worse the day of his funeral when I couldn't handle the finality of the Mortician closing the casket. When we were asked if we wanted to say our last goodbyes, I sobbed on my brother's chest leaving mascara on his shirt. I have laughed a bit about that saying, " my brother took a wee bit of me with him."
How do you stop thinking about your sibling? We were so close, always had been from childhood. We thought alike, we enjoyed the same music, movies, TV programs, food. Oh, how we enjoyed eating out at Sizzler, or Red Lobster or just going to Wendy's for a cheeseburger. I miss those times so much. I miss the long phone calls we shared every other day. With his other health issues before he passed, he was afraid to drive so I would drive into his home and help him run errands or take him to see his doctor. Long before he passed, I was beginning to mourn him, for watching my brother who was only 4 years older than I declining, and not being able to change his situation, I felt so helpless. He went from being a healthy, happy, vibrant man to hardly being able to walk and looking more like a man in his 80's. I too em a Christian and how often I would turn to God for answers and strength. My brother unfortunately, didn't have a saving knowledge of God so again, my mourning continues knowing what the Bible teaches.
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't care what people say, my brother will always be in my heart and I miss him everyday. No amount of time can ease that feeling. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that you will find the peace you are needing. I for one will never know it until my time on earth is over. May God bless you for caring so much about your brother. You are a special sister, never forget that, as I am certain your brother knows it too.
Valerie

connie said:

Well I thank the Lord for this website I stumbled across today. This is a blessing! On 4/22/06, I lost my only sibling, my 46 year old brother to cancer, and talk about being treated like a second class mourner. I might as well been invisible at my own brother's funeral and during the stressful tense moments leading up to his death. As a Christian who loves the Lord, I try not to be bitter about it, but it was such a lonely time for me and I felt such a heavy load. It was like I was carrying dead weight. I also was so busy comforting my grieving parents at his funeral that I couldn't grieve, but that was the grace of God keeping me strong for my parents. When a person loses their sibling, (especially if its their only sibling) it is a pain like no other. The pain of loneliness is deeper than a knife wound. I do plan on going to a grief group at a church in the area that starts in September. The way a lot of people act, it's like losing a sibling is unreal. But losing a sibling is just as real as losing a parent or a child or a spouse. And I'm also an animal lover, but to people who don't have pets, to them it's like, who cares, it's just a four legged mutt! That's how it feels when you have lost your sibling--like you lost your pet, and people expect you to get over it!! Well, just as a pet is a valuable member of your family, so was my brother, and I wish people could exercise a little more compassion to those of us who have lost our siblings and stop treating us as if we just lost our dog. I'm sorry for rambling on like this, but stuff like this makes me hot. Even Jesus Christ grieved when his friend Lazarus died, and then he raised him from the dead! Anyway, I pray that if you have lost your loved one, I encourage you to seek out a grief group either in a church or somewhere in your community because this stuff is just as real as losing a parent, a child, a grandparent, or a spouse. Heck, even if you lost your pet, find a group to go to for pet survivors or start your own. Remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Stop being independent, like I was trying to be, and just take a chance and go to a grief support group. It can take a load off and help you come to terms with your loss so that you can go on with your life as your brother or sister would want you to do. And you can lose that extra weight (the depression and loniness and despair) and just begin to live again. Anyway, thank you, whomever you are, for listening to me ramble and sputter on. May God continue to bless and keep you.

Permalink Reply by Effie on September 8, 2009 at 11:11am

Today would have been my brother Alex's 34th birthday. I miss you little brother, terribly, and I wish you were here with me now. I will light a candle and make a wish for you today...I love you Wolf. I love you always. And I will see you again someday...Because we are all welcome on the other side...love is all there is over there, I have heard. And I believe it.

Permalink Reply by connie on September 11, 2009 at 4:04pm

Hey Valerie

Yeah, it's hard, and I hope and pray in this September anniversary that you will continue to press through your pain and the great memories of your brother. You have to think about those good times you and your brother were fortunate to share. My brother and I were ten years apart, but when we were together, he had a helluva sense of humor and would just keep me in stitches. He always had a smile on his face and joy in his heart, and he had the love of God in his spirit. I will also recommend a group that may be in your area at one of the local churches called Grief Share. I just attended the first of thirteen meetings on 9/10 in Naperville. Lord willing, next week, I plan on going again and again until the sessions are over in December. Then, depending on how I'm feeling, I may attend again early next year after the holidays. I also had a loss on 10/4/08 due to losing my Father. So it was like a double whammy in under three years. I know God doesn't make any mistakes, and like Romans 8:28 he causes all things (the good the bad, the ugly and everything in between) to work together for our good because we love him. And he loves us too! But when you come from a family of four now down to a family of two, it can be a times filled with trepadation because you wonder what you will do if you are left alone, or if mommy is left alone. I'm sorry that your only living brother is not supporting you because truth be told, you both need each other so much right now! I know that everyone grieves differently, but it's like you are going through a double grief, because in some ways, you have lost both of your brothers, but just keep praying for him and whenever you are around him, respect his space, and show kindness toward him. My mother and I are not exactly friends--we have always had sort of an adversarial relationship, which is sad, but I try to help her out, but I thank God I don't have to live with her because that would not be good. Too much hell would break loose between us. So I rely on the Lord, my church family, the Depression Bipolar support group, and now, Grief Share ministry to help me with some kind of support because other than that, I'm pretty much alone, and I'm not exactly a people person to begin with, and I struggle with depression, anxiety, and chronic lonliness. Anyway Valerie, you are in my thoughts and prayers. God be with you and may his love, grace, and mercy keep you always.

Permalink Reply by Valerie on September 17, 2009 at 6:17pm

Dear Connie,
Your post was so kind and loving and I can't thank you enough. I hope you are doing better going to Grief Share. I think finding a support group would help me a lot but I don't know where there are any where I live. I am in Sandy, UT. I too suffer from anxiety and I too em a Christian. Thank you for sharing Romans 8:28 as yes, God does work, for those who love him. I am the only Christian in my family with everyone else being Mormons but then my only living brother is an atheist and he thinks I am crazy believing in God. We have no contact at all and haven't in over a year. We were never close as children so actually, not having him in my life is not a big deal. I have tried to reach out to him several times since our oldest brother died but he ignores me. In a way I guess it's like I've lost both my brothers but I try not to think about it.
Last week, I and my husband went to the cemetery so I could leave flowers for my parents and I had bought a small garden flag pole and a flag which read, "Treasure Your Family" and I left that at my brother's gravesite. I am hoping no one will steal it, I've known people to do that and I think it is awful. We also went to the restaurant that my brother enjoyed going to a lot and had lunch. I shared with our waitress that it was the 2nd anniversary of my brother's passing and she shared with me her loss of her mom. I felt a bond with this young woman immediately.
Again, I hope you are doing better. You can send me an email anytime. I'm not sure if I can leave it for you but I'll try. It is vabanta@msn.com I am a retired nurse so I am home a lot and my husband was forced into retirement this past January so he is home too. We spend a lot of time here on the internet. My husband goes to a Christian Discussion Forum daily and tries to tell people about the Lord. We are living in difficult times and I think as Christians we need to be more supportive and loving towards the lost and anyone. Again, thank you. God bless you.
Valerie

connie said:

Hey Valerie

Yeah, it's hard, and I hope and pray in this September anniversary that you will continue to press through your pain and the great memories of your brother. You have to think about those good times you and your brother were fortunate to share. My brother and I were ten years apart, but when we were together, he had a helluva sense of humor and would just keep me in stitches. He always had a smile on his face and joy in his heart, and he had the love of God in his spirit. I will also recommend a group that may be in your area at one of the local churches called Grief Share. I just attended the first of thirteen meetings on 9/10 in Naperville. Lord willing, next week, I plan on going again and again until the sessions are over in December. Then, depending on how I'm feeling, I may attend again early next year after the holidays. I also had a loss on 10/4/08 due to losing my Father. So it was like a double whammy in under three years. I know God doesn't make any mistakes, and like Romans 8:28 he causes all things (the good the bad, the ugly and everything in between) to work together for our good because we love him. And he loves us too! But when you come from a family of four now down to a family of two, it can be a times filled with trepadation because you wonder what you will do if you are left alone, or if mommy is left alone. I'm sorry that your only living brother is not supporting you because truth be told, you both need each other so much right now! I know that everyone grieves differently, but it's like you are going through a double grief, because in some ways, you have lost both of your brothers, but just keep praying for him and whenever you are around him, respect his space, and show kindness toward him. My mother and I are not exactly friends--we have always had sort of an adversarial relationship, which is sad, but I try to help her out, but I thank God I don't have to live with her because that would not be good. Too much hell would break loose between us. So I rely on the Lord, my church family, the Depression Bipolar support group, and now, Grief Share ministry to help me with some kind of support because other than that, I'm pretty much alone, and I'm not exactly a people person to begin with, and I struggle with depression, anxiety, and chronic lonliness. Anyway Valerie, you are in my thoughts and prayers. God be with you and may his love, grace, and mercy keep you always.

Permalink Reply by Jess on September 30, 2009 at 5:36pm

It's been almost 10 years since my sister died in a car accident. She died a the age of 25 and I was 21. She was my best friend and was my everything. I still soak my pillow with tears when I think of her. I cry as though I just found out and I don't know if this is normal. They say we go through 5 stages of grief...the last one being acceptance. I don't think I can believe that because I can't accept the fact that she is not in my life anymore. I mean, can anyone who suffered this kind of loss? I know she is looking down at me and smiling for all that I've accomplished and that too puts a smile on my face. I would give anything for her to be here with me. A part of me died that day. Like I tell anyone who suffers a loss....It's like living with a disease....the disease of coping.

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on September 30, 2009 at 8:33pm

jess, i have not heard it put that way but it so true. it is like a disease that we will never be cured of. some days are bearable and some not so much. i went to a funeral today for an elderly aunt but it did bring back some painful memories of burying my younger brother january 24, 2009. that was also his birthday. he would have been 54. he died so unexpectedly. he had a heart attack while deer hunting. he was found in his tree stand. that just hurts me to even type the words. but everyone comforts me in that he was doing something he loved. he didn't even care if he got a deer. he just absolutely loved the outdoors and nature. so i guess maybe he was doing what he wanted to do when his time came. we just were not ready for it and probably never would have been. we sure do miss him and he was a wonderful human being and i honestly don't think he was disliked by a single soul. i pray for everyone on this site who has lost a beloved sister or brother. it is hard beyond what i would have ever imagined.

Jess said:

It's been almost 10 years since my sister died in a car accident. She died a the age of 25 and I was 21. She was my best friend and was my everything. I still soak my pillow with tears when I think of her. I cry as though I just found out and I don't know if this is normal. They say we go through 5 stages of grief...the last one being acceptance. I don't think I can believe that because I can't accept the fact that she is not in my life anymore. I mean, can anyone who suffered this kind of loss? I know she is looking down at me and smiling for all that I've accomplished and that too puts a smile on my face. I would give anything for her to be here with me. A part of me died that day. Like I tell anyone who suffers a loss....It's like living with a disease....the disease of coping.

Permalink Reply by Effie on October 1, 2009 at 6:28am

So true Sandy! And I agree...it never goes away. In fact, for me, on year three since my only sibling and brother died in a car accident, and it's harder now than it was before. As time passes it becomes more real. That he's never coming back. Somehow I keep expecting something...like a miracle I guess. I had a dream he was at the dinner table with us but I couldn't see his face. But he was back. And it seemed normal, in the dream. When I woke up I was the saddest I have ever been. He would have been 34 this September 8th. My baby brother. His two sons are now 5 and 7. But I don't see them much as their mother moved very far away. A lot of the time, almost every day, I cry. In the car, watching tv, walking in the woods...I just miss him. So much there are no words. But you all understand. Alex, where did you go?? I just want to hug him one last time. I never got a chance. He died 200 miles away from me. I wasn't there when he passed on and that will haunt me all of my days. I'm his big sister. I'm supposed to be his protector. I used to be anyway. I carried him around our whole childhood. We were best buddies, and 7 years apart. There is the HUGE empty space where he used to be that can never be filled. One day at a time is all I can say to anyone who has to deal with this kind of loss. And talk to people who know. Love to you all!

sandy davis said:

jess, i have not heard it put that way but it so true. it is like a disease that we will never be cured of. some days are bearable and some not so much. i went to a funeral today for an elderly aunt but it did bring back some painful memories of burying my younger brother january 24, 2009. that was also his birthday. he would have been 54. he died so unexpectedly. he had a heart attack while deer hunting. he was found in his tree stand. that just hurts me to even type the words. but everyone comforts me in that he was doing something he loved. he didn't even care if he got a deer. he just absolutely loved the outdoors and nature. so i guess maybe he was doing what he wanted to do when his time came. we just were not ready for it and probably never would have been. we sure do miss him and he was a wonderful human being and i honestly don't think he was disliked by a single soul. i pray for everyone on this site who has lost a beloved sister or brother. it is hard beyond what i would have ever imagined.

Jess said:

It's been almost 10 years since my sister died in a car accident. She died a the age of 25 and I was 21. She was my best friend and was my everything. I still soak my pillow with tears when I think of her. I cry as though I just found out and I don't know if this is normal. They say we go through 5 stages of grief...the last one being acceptance. I don't think I can believe that because I can't accept the fact that she is not in my life anymore. I mean, can anyone who suffered this kind of loss? I know she is looking down at me and smiling for all that I've accomplished and that too puts a smile on my face. I would give anything for her to be here with me. A part of me died that day. Like I tell anyone who suffers a loss....It's like living with a disease....the disease of coping.

Permalink Reply by maria Gikas on October 1, 2009 at 7:29am

Effie said:

So true Sandy! And I agree...it never goes away. In fact, for me, on year three since my only sibling and brother died in a car accident, and it's harder now than it was before. As time passes it becomes more real. That he's never coming back. Somehow I keep expecting something...like a miracle I guess. I had a dream he was at the dinner table with us but I couldn't see his face. But he was back. And it seemed normal, in the dream. When I woke up I was the saddest I have ever been. He would have been 34 this September 8th. My baby brother. His two sons are now 5 and 7. But I don't see them much as their mother moved very far away. A lot of the time, almost every day, I cry. In the car, watching tv, walking in the woods...I just miss him. So much there are no words. But you all understand. Alex, where did you go?? I just want to hug him one last time. I never got a chance. He died 200 miles away from me. I wasn't there when he passed on and that will haunt me all of my days. I'm his big sister. I'm supposed to be his protector. I used to be anyway. I carried him around our whole childhood. We were best buddies, and 7 years apart. There is the HUGE empty space where he used to be that can never be filled. One day at a time is all I can say to anyone who has to deal with this kind of loss. And talk to people who know. Love to you all!

sandy davis said:

jess, i have not heard it put that way but it so true. it is like a disease that we will never be cured of. some days are bearable and some not so much. i went to a funeral today for an elderly aunt but it did bring back some painful memories of burying my younger brother january 24, 2009. that was also his birthday. he would have been 54. he died so unexpectedly. he had a heart attack while deer hunting. he was found in his tree stand. that just hurts me to even type the words. but everyone comforts me in that he was doing something he loved. he didn't even care if he got a deer. he just absolutely loved the outdoors and nature. so i guess maybe he was doing what he wanted to do when his time came. we just were not ready for it and probably never would have been. we sure do miss him and he was a wonderful human being and i honestly don't think he was disliked by a single soul. i pray for everyone on this site who has lost a beloved sister or brother. it is hard beyond what i would have ever imagined.

Jess said:

It's been almost 10 years since my sister died in a car accident. She died a the age of 25 and I was 21. She was my best friend and was my everything. I still soak my pillow with tears when I think of her. I cry as though I just found out and I don't know if this is normal. They say we go through 5 stages of grief...the last one being acceptance. I don't think I can believe that because I can't accept the fact that she is not in my life anymore. I mean, can anyone who suffered this kind of loss? I know she is looking down at me and smiling for all that I've accomplished and that too puts a smile on my face. I would give anything for her to be here with me. A part of me died that day. Like I tell anyone who suffers a loss....It's like living with a disease....the disease of coping.

Permalink Reply by larry kuykendoll on October 2, 2009 at 11:32am

On August 16, 2009 I recieved a phone call that my brother had shot himself, and from that day forward my life have not been the same. My brother was only 23 years old, a soon to be graduate at Devry University and he was in the Airforce Reserve. He is the father of two and he had so much to look forward to but his life was to much for him to handle. It is hard to understand that he will no longer be here. He was a big part of my life because I am twenty two, married with two children as well and our family did everything together. I lost my partner that i went to the parks, zoo, circus, clubs and the friend that i shared thoughts of being intelligent African American Men that planned to make a great impact in society. My life is distorted by this tragic event. I continue reading other people posts and i can't believe the pain of seeing my brother's blood and lifeless body will hurt from this day on. I seek counsling but i think they don't understand. I just don't know what to do anymore without my big brother Miles. Most people that went to the funeral seem to be moving on with their lives while i am stuck with severe pain. I try to reach certain people and discuss suicide but some people I encounter are ignorant and don't care to much because they believe suicide does not play a role in the Black community so i am hoping to spread the awareness that anyone fall under depression and could result to suicide. I can't sleep or think right. I manage to take the time to write this post because I am hoping I can connect with someone close to my age with a similiar story and we can help one another.
My warrior, My brother, My best friends has recently touched base with his Guardian Angel.
I Love you Miles Kuykendoll
Chicago IL,

Permalink Reply by Effie on October 2, 2009 at 2:10pm

Dear Larry, You are a very brave and strong young man. You came to the right place to talk about your beloved Miles. All of us here have lost a sibling. Some of us our only sibling as in my own case. I did shed tears when I read your post because, once again, I can relate so well and wish, as usual, that I did not. But here we all are. Dealing with a void of loss so great that unless you have been there, one really doesn't truly understand. But we do. It does get "better" over time, in that the intense daily feelings of grief subside. Often replaced by deeper yet less frequent times of distress. But I suppose we all deal with it differently. My brother simply missed a stop sign that was covered with trees. Gone. Just like that. His sons will never really know...how great their dad was. That is what kills me the most, besides losing the only brother/best friend and sibling I had. But there are often times when I am reminded what a huge and lasting and loving impact he made on so many lives. And he lived with passion. His life was short, but full. To imagine being on my own without my protector for 40-50 years, is daunting. So I do it one day, one moment and one breath at a time. Yes it's hard but it makes you stronger and hopefully more aware of what to be thankful for. May you find moments of peace and sleep through your pain. And remember that Miles is at peace now. He would want you to feel peace too. We are all here to listen and share with you, whatever helps get through the next breath.

larry kuykendoll said:

On August 16, 2009 I recieved a phone call that my brother had shot himself, and from that day forward my life have not been the same. My brother was only 23 years old, a soon to be graduate at Devry University and he was in the Airforce Reserve. He is the father of two and he had so much to look forward to but his life was to much for him to handle. It is hard to understand that he will no longer be here. He was a big part of my life because I am twenty two, married with two children as well and our family did everything together. I lost my partner that i went to the parks, zoo, circus, clubs and the friend that i shared thoughts of being intelligent African American Men that planned to make a great impact in society. My life is distorted by this tragic event. I continue reading other people posts and i can't believe the pain of seeing my brother's blood and lifeless body will hurt from this day on. I seek counsling but i think they don't understand. I just don't know what to do anymore without my big brother Miles. Most people that went to the funeral seem to be moving on with their lives while i am stuck with severe pain. I try to reach certain people and discuss suicide but some people I encounter are ignorant and don't care to much because they believe suicide does not play a role in the Black community so i am hoping to spread the awareness that anyone fall under depression and could result to suicide. I can't sleep or think right. I manage to take the time to write this post because I am hoping I can connect with someone close to my age with a similiar story and we can help one another.
My warrior, My brother, My best friends has recently touched base with his Guardian Angel.
I Love you Miles Kuykendoll
Chicago IL,

Permalink Reply by sandy davis on October 2, 2009 at 8:09pm

larry, i am so very sorry for your loss. i too lost a brother. i always knew what a great brother he was and he was such a good son to my mom and i learned even more at his funeral. he had so many friends who just absolutely thought the world of him. i worked at his house yesterday and saw the tree stand he died in while hopefully taking in and enjoying nature. i pray so hard that his death was a peaceful one. i wish for you that you had that comfort. i lost an uncle to suicide several years ago and i tell you it is different than other deaths. none are good but dealing with suicide is just different. it is hard to find comfort especially when it is still so raw for you but as effie said it will be a little better. i actually thought for a while that something was wrong with me physically and mentally. i just had never hurt that bad and dealt with that kind of devastation and it really knocked me for a loop. i actually ended up in the emergency room one night after my brother died with lots of physical symptoms but they couldn't find anything wrong. but i almost passed out, dizzy, nauseous, you name it. shortness of breath. and i couldn't quit crying. and i realized later that it was all grief and anxiety. i am not trying to whine but i just want you to know how this extreme grief can affect you in every single way. i just pray to sleep through the night because if you wake up, there is no going back to sleep. only laying there thinking, just thinking, what if. i really hope this site will help you. there are so many nice people who have of course the obvious in common. effie is wonderful. but i would tell you if you have the slightest feeling you need more, seek it through your church, any church. and anyone who doesn't understand that there is a lot, lot, lot to deal with when it comes to a suicide, just doesn't get it. my uncle's children really had a hard time dealing with his death. they were grown at the time and the suicide was over their parent's marriage dissolving. they had guilt which in my opinion they should not have had. again i am sorry for your loss and i hope you eventually find enough peace and comfort to be able to cope. sandy

larry kuykendoll said:

On August 16, 2009 I recieved a phone call that my brother had shot himself, and from that day forward my life have not been the same. My brother was only 23 years old, a soon to be graduate at Devry University and he was in the Airforce Reserve. He is the father of two and he had so much to look forward to but his life was to much for him to handle. It is hard to understand that he will no longer be here. He was a big part of my life because I am twenty two, married with two children as well and our family did everything together. I lost my partner that i went to the parks, zoo, circus, clubs and the friend that i shared thoughts of being intelligent African American Men that planned to make a great impact in society. My life is distorted by this tragic event. I continue reading other people posts and i can't believe the pain of seeing my brother's blood and lifeless body will hurt from this day on. I seek counsling but i think they don't understand. I just don't know what to do anymore without my big brother Miles. Most people that went to the funeral seem to be moving on with their lives while i am stuck with severe pain. I try to reach certain people and discuss suicide but some people I encounter are ignorant and don't care to much because they believe suicide does not play a role in the Black community so i am hoping to spread the awareness that anyone fall under depression and could result to suicide. I can't sleep or think right. I manage to take the time to write this post because I am hoping I can connect with someone close to my age with a similiar story and we can help one another.
My warrior, My brother, My best friends has recently touched base with his Guardian Angel.
I Love you Miles Kuykendoll
Chicago IL,

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