Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Janet Orant on June 7, 2009 at 9:30am

I stopped speaking with my twin sister Joni because she wouldn't take in my cat when I moved. The last thing I said to her before I hung up the phone was "you're dead to me" When our father died 18 months later she didn't come to the funeral and hung up on my younger sister when she called. 6 months later after having chest pains for a day her husband finally talked her into going to the Doctor. He found her on the bed as she was getting dressed. I still blame myself even though I know heart disease runs in our family. I live with my son + his family so I have to control my crying jags it doesn't take much to set me off. My memories haunt me of the last thing I said to her and of our childhood I was her protector and we only had 1 disagreement in our whole life. I've had to mourn the loss of both parents, my brother and my husband. The loss of Joni has been so unbearable at time I've thought of suicide. Joni's husband didn't have any kind of services + he had her cremated and he scattered her ashes by himself. My doctor has increased my anti-depressant but it doesn't really help, I still have insomnia + I walk around all day trying to fight the urge from crawling in a ball and die. I try to talk to my self, I know in my head I should snap out of it but in my heart it doesn't work.
janetorant@comcast.net

Permalink Reply by sue on June 8, 2009 at 7:53am

Jane, she knows all now and she would regret your fight and forgive you I am sure, now you must forgive yourself. I have 7 sisters and we have had some terrible fights and prolonged not speaking for some but never did the love stop. I now have one sis that is not speaking to us after Mom passed. Why? No one really knows and she won't talk but I can't do anything and so I have peace. Sometimes people just have their own reasons for doing things but there was still love and of that I can promise you. suep

Permalink Reply by Hank on June 8, 2009 at 9:22am

I think i'm destroyed. Plain and simple. I'm like the walking dead. I have no desire anymore. I didn't want kids, for fear of bringing them into such a horrible place. He was my only reason to live. I was going to help him kick this. I have nothing. My future along with his is gone.

I won't take my own life, so as not to hurt anyone else. But i am a walking, breathing surface only dead person. How horrible.

Permalink Reply by Kathy Moore on June 8, 2009 at 2:08pm

Hi I loss my Brother on Janurary 14, 1997. Larry has been dead now for 12 years, I also loss my middle sister Stella on Oct 30, 2004. I miss both Larry and Stella. Larry and I became really close after I grow up. see Larry is 12 years older than I. We use to call each other all the time. Christmas day is very hard on us Because my mother died Christmas Morning. so Larry always call me to make sure I am doing ok. Stella and I we close but not like Larry and I. Stella was more toward being with her friend that with me. Larry taugh me a lot before I left home to moved to another state. He also moved to another state. When we do see each other we stay together and when everywhere together. My Oldest Sister Rose is still living. We are the only ones left. and She not handling this very well. I have my times that I don't do good either. I have time went I have to cry and my husband hold me and just let me get it out. Stella Birthday is June 14 Flag day. it would be a day to remeber the good time we had together growing up. I will call my necice and newphews up to see if they are ok.

Some of you say that it hard to stop crying and that everyone tell you to get over it. Here is what I think if you need to crying go ahead and cry I hold my in until some one or something happens and that when I start crying. My sister Rose is drinking heavy I am trying to get her to stop. No one can tell you to stop crying no onoe can tell you to Get over it. they don't have that right. and they are not you they don't know your pain. Going to Grief support group might help you out some. Sitting here typing this is making me feel better already. I was feeling kind of down earlier now I am glad I am typing this. I hope it will make you feel better too. God Bless everyone.
Kathy Moore

Permalink Reply by Hank on June 8, 2009 at 2:32pm

Thanks Kathy, sorry for your losses. Yea i had a close friend tell me today i must move forward, and to clear my head. That "even with significant loss you need to move forward." Though his intentions are good, he doesn't have the slightest clue that life doesn't prepare you for true loss. Its so easy to give advice from the "other side", as i now call those people. I have nothing against him but i feel so beyond him now in a way. It's like we are totally different people after this tragedy struck my life. I admire people who can "move forward" quickly however i cannot relate to them in the slightest.


Hank

Permalink Reply by Jean on June 9, 2009 at 9:32am

Hank, I have had many losses including my sister and it will get better in time. Do you not have good and bad days? You can't help your brother now. He would want you to be happy, perhaps you could help someone else with a problem such as his. I know my loss is different as my sis is still alive but I have to know every day, for the rest of MY life, that she is gone and there is someone in that bed that looks like her. I can't help her and there is NOTHING I can do for her. It has been five years, seems like forever. We don't know if she is in pain, if she knows us, what is she thinking. (or is she) It's hard to trust the ones who take care of her, Nursing Home. The conditions there are awful and that also is out of my hands. Please do not give up on your life because of your loss.
Hank said:

I think i'm destroyed. Plain and simple. I'm like the walking dead. I have no desire anymore. I didn't want kids, for fear of bringing them into such a horrible place. He was my only reason to live. I was going to help him kick this. I have nothing. My future along with his is gone.

I won't take my own life, so as not to hurt anyone else. But i am a walking, breathing surface only dead person. How horrible.

Permalink Reply by Hank on June 9, 2009 at 10:16am

Thanks Jean I must admit, i do have good and bad days. Its just that during the bad ones, you can easily forget that you had good ones. There are times where i'm ok for a full day, especially when thinking of all our cherished memories. I guess the process is taking place now as we speak. I just miss him dearly. What i'd give for one more round of golf with him.


Hank

Permalink Reply by SOLIZ on June 10, 2009 at 12:24pm

I belive that u should always cherish the times u have with eachother weather they be good or bad... we lost my husbands 18 year old brother 2.5 years ago and unlike most people we never got to say goodby.....their selfish mother refused to let her passed son's ONLY BROTHER and ONLY SISTER attend his funural. Because she had done things that made her own kids not want to be around her or have a life with her, she in return hurt them even more, not letting them attend their baby brothers passing,who we were alll so verry close with. She stoped us by havin cops guard the funural to keep us out! The problem was always with her, a selfish women that has no heart! My husband loved his brother deeply and we know that his brother is in a better place and out of his mothers deadly grip, that ended up puttin him where he is now, we know he never would have never approved what his mother did, and she now has to live with the fact that she made a desion that day to not only say goodby to one son but, all of her children, and grandchildren, for that women will never be able to take what she did back, she will never be able to give my husband or his sister the chance to say goodby to their brother, and we hope she dies a lonley life and thinks every day how her actions not only killed one son but her whole family as well! Our baby brother knows we stood outside and morned for him in our own way, and we know that he is livin with us where he wanted to be along and now as our angel. We will always miss him and We will never forget, every day is a struggle, but we get through and continue to stay strong!

Permalink Reply by Hank on June 10, 2009 at 2:10pm

I'm impressed by your strength in what seems to be a difficult situation. How could anyone force another relative from a funeral service? It sounds inhumane.

Anyways, all the guilt, anger, questioning why now? etc etc. simply masks the true issue here, and that is that we miss our siblings deeply. It hit me hard today that he is gone, and i can only pray that i can find the strength to carry on and that we will reunite at some point in the future.

Hank

Permalink Reply by Jean on June 10, 2009 at 6:05pm

Hank, It's great that you realize that the process has begun, you will see that the good days will increase as time goes by. I can relate to the statement you made about not realizing you've had some good days. You will probably miss him for the rest of your life, at least some times but I think that is normal. I am sure you would love to spend just one more day with your brother, as I would love to with my sister. Sadly we don't get that chance. Take care!

Hank said:

Thanks Jean I must admit, i do have good and bad days. Its just that during the bad ones, you can easily forget that you had good ones. There are times where i'm ok for a full day, especially when thinking of all our cherished memories. I guess the process is taking place now as we speak. I just miss him dearly. What i'd give for one more round of golf with him.


Hank

Permalink Reply by Jean on June 10, 2009 at 6:11pm

It is beyond me how cruel people can be! Your husband's mother has to be a very sick person. You have my sympathy and prayers.

SOLIZ said:

I belive that u should always cherish the times u have with eachother weather they be good or bad... we lost my husbands 18 year old brother 2.5 years ago and unlike most people we never got to say goodby.....their selfish mother refused to let her passed son's ONLY BROTHER and ONLY SISTER attend his funural. Because she had done things that made her own kids not want to be around her or have a life with her, she in return hurt them even more, not letting them attend their baby brothers passing,who we were alll so verry close with. She stoped us by havin cops guard the funural to keep us out! The problem was always with her, a selfish women that has no heart! My husband loved his brother deeply and we know that his brother is in a better place and out of his mothers deadly grip, that ended up puttin him where he is now, we know he never would have never approved what his mother did, and she now has to live with the fact that she made a desion that day to not only say goodby to one son but, all of her children, and grandchildren, for that women will never be able to take what she did back, she will never be able to give my husband or his sister the chance to say goodby to their brother, and we hope she dies a lonley life and thinks every day how her actions not only killed one son but her whole family as well! Our baby brother knows we stood outside and morned for him in our own way, and we know that he is livin with us where he wanted to be along and now as our angel. We will always miss him and We will never forget, every day is a struggle, but we get through and continue to stay strong!

Permalink Reply by sue on June 11, 2009 at 8:14am

Soliz, I am so sorry. That must have hurt deeply and you are right the little brother would have wanted you all there and probably would have hoped for a healing. The mother must be very messed up in her own heart. So hard to understand because this would have been a very good time to heal wounds and pull together and unite as a family. I don't understand but I feel in my heart that the brother is with you and was with you then because there was true love. Suep

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