Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Cassie on March 15, 2009 at 1:10pm

I know how you feel. I wish, I did not know how you feel. I can read anything on here, and relate. I try to pray. I try to keep myself together. I try to to fall to the grief, I am afraid to. It is too much. I do believe when GOD calls...that is it. I donot know how to handle it, but I do know that I can not 2nd guess GOD. My brother is GONE. The pain...too intense, so I push it away. I clean, cook, do laundry, and I wonder why. I do not eat. I do not sleep. I can not relate to that disturbing nightmare of a phone call. I do not remember the first 5 days of the news my brother left me. I can relate to your heartache. I do know this, I have to put one foot forward and then the other. I have to be clean. I have to feed my family. The routine helps. I hope I can find some peace with myself. I think my brother has peace. I am jelous of that...I am a WRECK. I hope that someone with more time under their belt with a loss like this can help us both. The pain is so intense, I push it out. I am afraid one day I will not be able to do that. I wonder what will happen to me if I can not push it away. I believe in GOD, and I have faith that he thinks I can deal with this PAIN! It does not seem like it now, but I tell myself, I have only had 21 days. Can I ask why you know your sister passed on Feb. 25th? It is okay if you do not want to tell that. I just did for the first time today. I find it easier to talk on here, than with my family. I have great family, they all just had to get back to life...but I am STUCK with the loss. The PAIN. The missing of my brother. I wish, I could fix this, but I can not. I have always fixed things...this I have to deal with, with no idea how to do that. I hope this sight helps us both. I do cry, I do not hold in my feelings til the pain takes over my body. I have had health stuff as well, I am hoping this does not put me down more than it already is. I am very afraid of this situation, and I am reaching now. I can not go down anymore than I am. TOO MANY DEPEND ON ME. I hope you can at least make yourself, take care of the basics for YOU!!!!

Permalink Reply by Pam on March 15, 2009 at 7:55pm

hi Cassie, by the time the police came to my home , they had already done an autopsy on her, and was now releasing her body to us. Thats when they came to my door and told me she was dead.I don't remember the conversation only that I wasn't upset because I didn't believe them. I thought they were mixed up with someone else. But the autopsy gave the time of death as Feb 25.
I'm still looking . We had her funeral last Friday.I don't remember much, only when they tried to not let us view her, I insisted they leave the lid up and I guess I cried loudly and told all who didn't want to view to go wait in the chapel, She never had a wedding, she never had a baby, she never travelled to Europe. She was going to be here, with me. I missed half the service because my 83 old mom, needed assistant to get out of her wheelchair and use the bathroom. It goes on and on and I miss her so much. March 6/09, and I still haven't heard back from the funeral home on where her body is. They were transporting her to there other site for cremation. This is all very graphic I'm sorry. But I am just waiting until monday to phone and find out what is going on. They also did toxology testing on her and those results aren't for 6 weeks. I still don't beleive she would take her own life. We had dinner of Feb 3 and she was fine. All those i have been questioning say she never mentioned suicide ever.
Those at her Health Unit where she meant twice a week said they didn't see it coming. While a few others said they saw her in the last week and she looked really dark and didn't acknowledge them. The Police and coroner who went to her apartment said they have no doubt.
Then why did it take so long to tell me. Feb 25 to Mar 3? I guess there a little frustrated with me, but i just don't understand. She wouldn't leave us. I just don't think she wouldn't want to stay longer. I just miss her. And for the first time in my life i'm taking sleeping pills and ativan, i just need some sleep. I do have to work. i'm not rich. i need work for basic life necessities. Life doesn't stop.
Cassie I hope you can find a few minutes a day to feel the fresh air, and to watch the birds build nests. Today I brought a bag of bulbs and I'm going to plant them this week. I'm going to do one thing more than I did last week. And soon I hope I'm going to sleep without a pill. I have to walk my little dog everyday, cause when I got her 3 years ago I promised her no matter what i would walk her. I missed a few days in the last few weeks, now I'm going to try harder.
thanks for answereing me. I'm thinking of you and how much your hurting.

Permalink Reply by Cassie on March 16, 2009 at 7:28am

Pam, you are hurting just as much as me. I do understand the details you are trying to figure out. I am doing the same. What does passed away mean when you get a knock or call? I could not relate to that phrase. I am sure nothing would of made sense. I did not sleep for 5 days straight when I got that call. The pain seems worse now. The SHOCK of the death took over. I can not remember a thing. I remember bits here and there. My brother did not take his life on purpose. He knew he was in trouble. I tried to help, I just did not know whtat else to do. I think he felt really bad from the pills, and thought more would make him feel better. The problem I have is that now that he is dead people tell me certain things. I am like why do you tell me this after he is gone? Why did you not tell me this while he was alive? I just did not know how serious his black hole was. I had no idea he was dealing again. I had no idea people were at his house all day, everyday. How can a sister not know. I know him better than any of those people. I understand you wanting to see your sister. I will be hoonest, I would have to know where my brothers body was. I called numerous times to check on him at the medical examiners office. I asked if they were being respectful & was he covered up. STUPID...huh? My brother was a good person. He really was. He could not bare the thought of my mom passing, as she is getting old. He could not deal with my health stuff, that has since gotten so much better. I am so sorry that you missed alot of the service. Your mom is old, and you were there for her. That says alot about you. I would of done the same. I would not have liked it, but what can you do? I guess, I am confused. They found her on the 25th, and told you on the 3rd. If she had ID, and I am sure there was plenty, why did it take so long to notify you? The system does not work in our favor. Not with what I have been through with my brother. His EX lied to police about finding him. She lied about when she found him. She was out on the town, and he could not get up all day. He said, "I do not feel good, let me sleep." The thing is he laid 5 hours past away. Why would she not check on him. Why lie about dinner, and all that kind of stuff. I just think he overdosed for about 4-6 days, and did not know it. The body could not get rid oof the TOXINS fast enough. His daughter who was 6 told me, I saw daddy take a handful of pills. That was about the only honest thing that was told to me. I did not ask her, she just got in my lap, and told me. It hurt her. I can not even help her through her pain. To hold her would help us both. I will have to battle one thing at a time. I wish you would not take ativan. Maybe a sleep pill that is not addictive. I guess, from what I read that your sister took her life. That is what the police are saying??... You know there is nothing we could do for our sister or brother. We would have done anything they needed. The things that I want to know, Bubba, would of had to survive. GOD took him, that is the end of the story. I want to know every detail, GOD's, my brothers final thoughts, what happened exactly, and I want to hurt his ex. I know that is not ever gonna happen. I try to deal with the intense feelings that hit me daily, everyday. I wonder if your sister had thoughts she just did not share. I do take more than a few minutes to do things. I do look at the sun, the rain, the trees, the good things we forget about, but it is a daily struggle. I have to make it through this. I have kids and a family. I will say, with your sister being gone...maybe it is good she does not have a family. They would be in so much pain. I can understand all that you feel. I wish, I did not...but it is nice to hear yoour story to help me not feel so alone. I will say this...your sister had a good support system...as much as my brother did. I can accept his passing one minute, and second guess it the next. When I think clearly...I know GOD was ready for him, and I can not have changed that. Then I feel the next second...why...why...why did I not do more. It is a rollercoaster forsure. I hope that you find out what you need to today. I really do. You need that part of your ordeal over. You need your sister to be taken care of...it keeps you in that time of despare while you are dealing with the body. I know we are writing alot, but it does help. I think we are at the same phase of this hellish situation. Had Bubba been sick, old, older, and things like that, maybe I would be better at dealing with the loss. This was so sudeden, I can not understand it. I can write you, and I know that what I am saying is the truth, but it just does not seem real. It just seems like I am someone else writing this. That is what scares me. When I do accept this, will it hurt more than now? My goodness...I hope not. I really feel your pain. I really understand. I situations are not exact...but close enough to understand that this is the hardest thing to deal with. The things that are worse, I cannot talk of, I am afraid of the bad energy. I just can not talk about things that are worse than this. I do not even like T.V. now. It is all about death and solving cases...YUCK!!! If this reads crazy...I woke up crazy this morning. I usually proof read, but not this morning. Please let me know about your sister. I want you to work the part of where she is at today. That is cruel to be dealing with that this far out. You need that part over. You need it over for you to move on. I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry about the whole thing. I never knew death could be like this. I just did not know til 22 days ago. Best wishes & positve thoughts from me to you today. I will say my thoughts are all over the place, forgive me jumping around. I have been like this since that phone call came.

Permalink Reply by Pam on March 17, 2009 at 12:02am

thanks Cassie , your words are so real to me right now. I picked up my sisters urn today, but i haven't been able to take it out of the car. so its sitting in the garage. tomorrow i meet with the cememtary. Having to learn how to do a funeral and how to deal with the govt and how to deal with social sevices cause that was where her monthly cheque came from. And yet to stop the waves of grief, real waves that pull up from my gut and make my mind scream with the why and than the tears again. Tho i have to admit that the tears have slowed down. The why is so over whelming as to why you would do this. Do you wonder if your Bubba really did this? or does someone know something or see something and they're not telling you. I get that wherever I go. Sometimes I think I see the people looking back at me when I say something about them seeing her in that last week. Than someone will say something and its like there talking about a stranger, not the little girl that grew up with me. My little sister was only 4 years younger than my daughter and she grew up and travelled everywhere with us. Than when she got Bi polar and we had to exclude her from somethings cause she would be so different and difficult and scary when her meds weren't working right. But she followed the rules , I think, I think she was trying so hard. I just don't want her to be dead, I don't want her to be so sad, I just want her back and healthy and happy. I know today I''m not helping anyone on here much. I'm so sorry Cassie. Please have some good minutes today, I hope you are okay. I don't think I will accept this. I will just put one foot in front of the other. And do my job ( I work from a home, and so am having my 2 grandkids dropped off , while I work), which is all so very hard to do. but my daughter won't get babysitters. I feel so bad for the kids, they watch a lot of T.V. and are coming with me to deal with the paperwork and such) but my work is suffering so bad.

Permalink Reply by kim on March 17, 2009 at 9:51am

Pam--hurting is so tough. The why's, the wanting them back, all that "stuff"... please don't stop talking. Sometimes when our loved ones have mental illness it is so easy to look at "the person they were before" and get so caught up in all the human pain that we have to face every day. Have you had the kids make a memorial for your sister? My children and neices' and nephew's drew pictures and we put them around a picture of my brother and that really helps them. My brother, who had parainoid schizophrenia, always had suckers for the kids. Did your sister do anything "special" that was unique to her or for the kids when she saw them? I would focus on that with the little ones. let them talk about her too. It hurts, oh my land does the pain hurt, but sometimes, from the mouths of babes comes the best strength and smiles. Find some music, again, i find strenght in music and sometimes that is great for children as well. Sometimes our questions are never answered. that is the hardest thing. As humans we want answers we aren't happy with grey sometimes, but in these situations we NEED the grey. Know that your sister isn't in pain, she isn't suffering she is happy and she is dancing with her Lord. She is hugging you and is beside you to comfort you. We all have the black days but she no longer has those. Sometimes we just have to go one minuite at a time in each day. Know that you are not alone in your struggles. This wound is so fresh so new and nothing like you have ever experienced or have been prepared for. How ever you deal with it is how YOU deal with it, it isn't right and it isn't wrong. We are all so different in the walk we have to take with this horible loss of a sibling. I will continue to pray for you and for Cassie and others here because that is all I really can do--other than know there are hugs for all of you from Nebraska. Kim

Permalink Reply by Cassie on March 17, 2009 at 12:14pm

Thank you, Kim!! Cassie

Permalink Reply by Cassie on March 17, 2009 at 12:11pm

Pam, I know how you feel to the letter. I will tell you the more I know the worse it makes it for me. Human nature to most of us is to help people. With the loss we have just had, we wonder why. I know why! My brother took too many drugs. I tried to help him. Til the day he died. It was not meant for me to save him from himself. I am okay one minute and not the next. I think and hope with time this gets better. I am a nut right now. I act like I have no brain at all. That is just wrong of me. I am trying today to pull myself together. You need to finsih sending your sister off, and then take things as they come. Maybe you should not try to figure it out. I did, and it has not helped at all. I think it is better to leave each detail alone. At least til I can think better. I hurt for you. Love those grandkids and shock them today by making them feel special. That would help you. Make cookies. Watch a movie with a big bowl of popcorn with them. Color with them. Watch them play outside. You can be there for them. Our loved ones are gone. I don not live what I am writing each minute of the day, but I always try to come back to what I am writing you. Try it...the worst thing will be your grandkids smile. They will enjoy you and the time you spend together. I know work is hard right now, but maybe healthy. I think being alone makes it worse. It does for me at times. I am on a scary rollercoaster. I would love to beat the heck out of someone. A punching bag just will not get it, I want to hear a scream. One that is not mine. I think we can talk each other through this along with the others on this sight. A funeral having to be planned with a sudden death seems to be harder than with the old or ill. It hurts, but my brothers funeral was the hardest 5 days of my life. I did eat or sleep. I just wanted it over. Then I felt guilty for that. We are human and do the best you can. I really hurt for you. I wish I did not understand you, but I do. I understand how overwhelming this all is. Send your sister off the best you can, and then take the days ahead slow. My thoughts are with you all day and prayers. Cassie

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on March 18, 2009 at 6:13am

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx
Pam & Cassie,I have been reading your both of your posts and I thought I would tell you about the loss of my sister 18 months ago. Abby had paranoid schizophrenia and I was her guardian and caretaker but more than that I loved her with all my heart. It too devastated me when I lost my sister because we had been through hell and back and fought the system trying to get her the care she needed yet she remained steadfast and the sweetest person you could ever imagine. I have done a lot of things this past year to memorialize her and help myself get past this terrible pain of grief. I agree you just have to put one foot in front of the other and picture your loved one in the arms of the Lord and free of the physical and emotional pain that was part of their life on Earth. I will tell you though there are still many days that the feeling of loss just jumps up and slaps me in the face. I still cannot be part of the 2 organizations I was involved with in Abby's care and I cannot watch someone do sign language without my eyes welling up with tears. I know your losses are recent and I am so sorry you are in a place you are. I will be praying for your peace and I am here if you would like to write Stephanie

Permalink Reply by Pam on March 19, 2009 at 12:20am

thank you stephanie and cassie, i think in a odd way talking here is helping. the waves of grief that overwhelmed that first week have come back. just not as often. leaving her urn up at her resting place, all alone, yesterday is tearing my up, i know logically and educationally that is what we do with our dead, but emotionally well I can't say anything more tonight... this is a really hard night. take care and thanks . The waves are from somewhere deep inside my gut, I've never felt anything close to this in my life, I have more sympathy for those who have lost there child or sibling than I understood a year ago. I lost my dad, and it was sad, but he was ready to go and the grief was there, but this, this is all consuming and it comes from somewhere I didn't know so deep in my guts, like an anxiety attack but worse.

Permalink Reply by Cassie on March 20, 2009 at 6:10am

My relpy will not take, donot know why. I know you are tired. It is all the SHOCK wearing off. It is becoming real to you now. You may be able to start resting some. Listen to your body so it stays healthy. I did that too. I thought OH no what else will happen now. I just can not take anymore right now. I have come to terms with my brother being gone. Seems real now. If you type in gary scott brake brakefield someone did a tribute video for me. I am not sure who. You can see it. Pam, try to relax. Try to get some sleep. Eat and just enjoy yourself some. You just keep doing one day at a time. I think of you all the time. I send you a big hug and please try to do something positve eveyday. Take your time with papers and stuff like that. You will take care of all that when your ready. We will heal together. We will always miss our sister and brother, but we will live a little more with each passing day. CAssie

Permalink Reply by Cassie on March 19, 2009 at 9:30am

Stepanie, I think others pain helps us newcomers to this kind of loss. I have read everything on this site. I had the worst day Monday of all. My brother has been gone 25 days today. I have had the 2 best days in the last 2 days. Their is so much left to deal with. With the intense pain that comes when a loved one dies suddenly is almost too much. I have been a mad woman, and I have acted in ways that shock even me. I am trying to stop that destructive behavior now. It does not help a thing. I really think time is the only thing that Pam and I have right now on our side. I know we have many people on this sight that have helped us. I hate that you have been put in a place to understand our pain. Thank you for what you wrote. Every little bit no matter how much or little helps this new pain so many have to deal with. I do know that I am so glad that first phone call is over, and I hope I start to pulll myself together and start to do better with my loss. Please help Pam along with me. Cassie

Permalink Reply by Cassie on March 19, 2009 at 10:18am

Pam, I have tried to apply my reply to you and for some reason it will not take. I am writing to say: Please do not let yourself do and act like I did Monday. I did not hurt myself, but I hurt others. I was mean and acted like a mad woman. I have had to move forward. For the sanity of my home and my husband and kids. Please do something positve each day. Enjoying the sun, birds, your grandchildrens laughter, you cooking, a nap, and anything that will give you pleasure. I give you permission to enjoy something today. I give you permission to enjoy something each day after you get done reading this. You are forgiven by your sister for anything you were not aware of. She forgives herself for taking her life and leaving you a mess. GOD understands. HE really does. Our loved ones are gone, and they had no idea the pain they would leave us with til they saw from HEAVEN. They give us permission to move forward. I ask you to please get out of your funk and do something to HELP YOU TODAY!!! Even if just for 30 minutes. You know what, 30 minutes will turn in to 45 and then 60 and 75...and then you will cry for your sister better. You will honor her in death better. Do this with me...K!!! Cassie

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