Gee, where do I even begin??? January 10, 2004 the world changed for me and my two daughters. I was a 25+ yr firefighter, and had just arrived home early that Saturday morning from a 24 hour work shift that entailed very little sleep. As I quietly entered the bedroom to change into sweats so I could go to the den and "wind down" a bit after the work shift my wife sat up in bed and looked at me with an expression I had only seen on her face once before and said, "I really don't feel good". Little did I know that roughly 2 hours from that point, I would have witnessed the hell she went through, the battle she lost to fight for her life, and I would be escorting my two daughters aged 14 and 18 into that room at the ER to say "good-bye" to their mother who lay lifeless before them. This is the short version of what was later determined to be a death by cardiac arrest, a 90% narrowing of a coronary artery over 5 cm length that would take the life of an otherwise vibrant and energetic woman who had just recently turned 40 yrs old. It came without a single symptom, or warning. It swiftly took away a loving wife of 20 yrs, and devastated two young daughters also. I went into survival mode that day....not my survival, but the survival of my daughters and all the "what can I do's", "what can I say's" that may help make the rest of their lives easier to cope with without their mother. I can add detail after detail of the past 6 yrs, but the focus is the grieving process for my daughters. I encouraged repeatedly counseling and grief group participation to no avail at first, then my oldest went for a few sessions. I would find out after she attended two sessions that when I took her to the airport for what I thought was a week long trip back home to family for spring break, my daughter somewhat nonchalantly advised me while getting out of the car in front of that airport, "Oh, by the way..... I won't be coming back."
My youngest did eventually attend counseling sessions, she also over the period of three years attempted suicide three times... being hospitalized each time. I was there for her attending every counseling session, every visitation, ensuring that she knew that support would always be there for her.
I also went to counseling quite regularly, and was deemed to have severe PTSD...witnessing my wife's death, combined with 28 yrs of fire service experiences....I went through hell with flashbacks of countless deaths and experiences..always to culminate in the last image being in the ER that horrid Saturday morning...
I have had to leave the fire service as a result, I did 3+ years in police services... a bit of a twist different from all the death I dealt with in fire service, and then physical limitations brought me to my current job behind a desk in a hospital providing assistance to TBI patients who have survived IED attacks in Iraq or Afghanistan. I have come a long way, and have learned to accept many things.
I remarried this past year to a wonderful and understanding woman, who has suffered similar losses.
My daughters, however, have seemingly fallen into a mode of refusal to grieve the loss of their mother. My oldest is currently in a state of constant panic and anxiety. Anything that is mentioned to her about anything medically related, she automatically applies it to herself then goes out of control in a panic attack in which she believes she is going to die of heart failure like her mother did. This has become horrid for her and has consumed her life. She cannot sleep nights, cannot eat properly, and o
I lost my husband Rob on Feb 3, 2005. It has been over three years and I dont feel that I am healing at all. He died in a motorcycle accident in Florida (we are from MA). He was only 40 years old. My life is so upside down. I dont know who I am anymore, it has changed me on every level. I have two boys ages 19, and 17. I dont want to do all of this on my own anymore. I dont want ALL the responsibility. I am in danger of loosing my house because he had no life insurance. I dont even know if anyone will care about this post but I am doing it because it is a way for me to release my feelings. So many people abandoned me when Rob died, everyone was always going to be there but no one is. In one phone call I was told that my husband of 18 years was brain dead and would not live. They kept him alive for 2 days so family could fly to Florida and then it was over. I was the one that had to make the decision to shut off the machine, I was the one that had to plan the funeral, I was the one that knew when that door at the funeral home opened that my love, my partner, my best friend was going to be on the other side on a slab......Jesus, how do you recover from this. How do you go on and live?
my 2 yr old son caden was murdered on april 22 2009 by my ex boyfriend..a few weeks before i found out i was pregnant with his child, i thought for sure the stress and grief and hell i went through would make me lose that child but he survived and it is amazing how much he looks like caden..if it wasnt for him i think i would have went crazy and did stupid things.they say that time makes it easier but thats not true at least not for me.every day seems to get harder, i try to keep myself busy but that emptiness is there.every day i ask god to bring my baby back to me but my prayer isnt answered.i hope one day that i will know the truth about what happened and why he did what he did.
OMG THIS IS HORRIBLE AND HEARTBREAKING. i am so sorry i do not know what the loss of a child is but i know the pain of loosing someone you love more than you love yourself. may god be with you that is just plain insane i am so glad you have a beautiful baby now to get you through it!! and i hope that the killer rots in his cofin for taking away your innocent lovely son :(
jennifer said:my 2 yr old son caden was murdered on april 22 2009 by my ex boyfriend..a few weeks before i found out i was pregnant with his child, i thought for sure the stress and grief and hell i went through would make me lose that child but he survived and it is amazing how much he looks like caden..if it wasnt for him i think i would have went crazy and did stupid things.they say that time makes it easier but thats not true at least not for me.every day seems to get harder, i try to keep myself busy but that emptiness is there.every day i ask god to bring my baby back to me but my prayer isnt answered.i hope one day that i will know the truth about what happened and why he did what he did.