Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kristi on July 10, 2010 at 8:03pm

hi tomeka,Me i was almost in the same situation,my son went to his friends and his friend loaded a gun,counted the bullets going in and when he emptied it he didnt count them and he pointed the gun at my son and shot him in the heart.this was his friend to.and josh tried running away and my son told him to stay till the end.and he did till the cops took him away.my son told the cops and everyone that was in the house were he got shot that if i dont make it tell my mom and dad that i love them.i am hurt that everyone else heard this but me and my husband.there was over 1000 people at his funeral he was only 16.no kids just left behind his mom that is so frustrated sometimes when things come around especially last year he was suppose to graduate and this year my mom and dads 50th he missed,i always picked strawberries and he would help me so i take some out to him now.i did that today because the 4th of july was his best holiday.and there is a carnival and my annivesary this weekend.what gets me is that this kid that shot and killed my son got 200 community service.2980 restitution and probation till 19 and that happened in dec when he turned 19.what i am trying to say is there are support groups out there if you can find one were you are.or you canlight a candle for 5 minutes and write in a journal about the good things that he did with you,go out to the cemetary on his birthday make his favorite food and cake and sing happy birthday to him,even on his angel day.thats what some people call that on here.but i know how you feel and i am on here when you need me.ok thanks for listening

Tomeka Mcneil said:

On August 4, 2009 my son was murdered, his so called best friend left him there and didn't care to help him. All my son wanted to do is keep the peace. He had no intention of starting trouble. His so called best friend would always tell him what these guys are saying about him and my son would go and confront them. Nate was what he prefered to be called. He always came down to see his family and check on us. That night I saw my son he came and saw me we talked etc.. My daughter was out there talking to a girl that he had brought down to see her. My daughter told me that he was arguing with a guy in front of the door, I didn't hear anything with the airconditioner and surround sound movie. Next thing I know my daighter comes in the house with a piercing scream and stated Nate was shot. My heart dropped I just saw my son, I couldn't believe that this had happened. His so called friend left him there to die and didn't help him at all. My son loved to dress he had mostly everything that he wanted. These guys were jealous of my son and they wanted what he had, even his so called best friend. My son had their back but when it came time for them to have his back they just left him there. I do believe what goes around comes around. I lost my son and I cry all the time, my pain can't be describe he was my first born, well he will always be my son and my first born. I miss him soooo much, I miss him bringing me flowers and stuffed animals. He was a good son and he will always continue to live in my heart. I'm going to continue to take care of his beautiful daughter, who looks just like him. It's just sad that when this happened to my son everybody was out to get what they could take from him. But being that I was his mother I didn't allow them to take all my son's belongings, I made sure that I go and take care of his personal processions even though this was not what I was worried about. I was more worried about my son and how these people left him to die like that. Nate had his own mind and no one could stop him from doing and visiting where he wanted to go. I mean no one, he was stubborn, he did what he wanted to do. Nate, mommy misses you and loves you baby, you will always be mommy's first born. I'm proud of you Nate being that you took care of your daughter while you were here mommy will continue where you left off and continue to support your daughter. We miss you everyday, every minute, every hour, but I know someday we will meet again. Love you!

Permalink Reply by tonia j ormond on July 11, 2010 at 2:03am

Hi, my name is Tonia Ormond. I lost my mother in a work explosion, Jan. 29, 2003. Still to this day, I pick up the phone and dail her number. We had a set time that we talked after work everyday. She was/is my everything. I cannot let go, she was taken away from me at her age of 50. She had a lot of living to do. I have been told that you go through stages, but I guess I am stuck in "anger" mood. I cannot even ride by the business she worked at, even though it was all moved and rebuilt, and new. She wasn't given back, I fell as if they just snached her from me, and they get to keep on with their lives. I can't. Not a day goes by that i don't miss her, miss her calls, miss her coming by my workplace and getting her coffee before work. Miss her putting up my christmas tree with me. I can't even bring myself to putting my tree up, someone else has to do it. there were 6 lives taken from this explosion, and dozens injured. Most of the group that passed I knew on a personal level. So it tears my heart in many directions. How do I go on? It has been almost 7 1/2 years, and I feel the same today, as if it happened yesterday.

Permalink Reply by Liza Smith on July 11, 2010 at 5:03am

tonia j ormond said:

Hi, my name is Tonia Ormond. I lost my mother in a work explosion, Jan. 29, 2003. Still to this day, I pick up the phone and dail her number. We had a set time that we talked after work everyday. She was/is my everything. I cannot let go, she was taken away from me at her age of 50. She had a lot of living to do. I have been told that you go through stages, but I guess I am stuck in "anger" mood. I cannot even ride by the business she worked at, even though it was all moved and rebuilt, and new. She wasn't given back, I fell as if they just snached her from me, and they get to keep on with their lives. I can't. Not a day goes by that i don't miss her, miss her calls, miss her coming by my workplace and getting her coffee before work. Miss her putting up my christmas tree with me. I can't even bring myself to putting my tree up, someone else has to do it. there were 6 lives taken from this explosion, and dozens injured. Most of the group that passed I knew on a personal level. So it tears my heart in many directions. How do I go on? It has been almost 7 1/2 years, and I feel the same today, as if it happened yesterday.

Sweetie, after 7 1/2 years you need to move on. This is said with love and understanding, but you may need professional help in getting over this tragedy. You have suffered long enough. Don't delay in doing the work of grief: that means working through the pain and not remaining stuck in a very bad place. All I can think of to do for you is to pray for your recovery and acceptance of your loss.

Permalink Reply by Barbara on July 11, 2010 at 10:46am

Dear Tonia, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I've lost my dad, my brother and my son, and I understand the deep pain of loss. It sounds like you are stuck in grief and your life will remain there unless you take control and make a decision to move forward in life. Moving forward doesn't mean you will forget your mom and it doesn't make the loss any less meaningful. What it does mean is that you will live out the rest of your life with a purpose and joy. One of the best ways to heal is to reach out to others and take the focus of your thoughts off yourself. I don't mean that you are being selfish, so please don't take it that way. The first step for you might be some counseling or a support group. There is a wonderful nation-wide group called Grief Share. You can see their website on line at www.griefshare.org and on that site you can find a class near where you live. The classes should be starting up again in August/September. I've been through the class twice and now I am a facilitator for the class. There is no fee to join the group and the classes last 13 weeks, during which time you will find so much help for your broken heart. Life changes permanently when we lose someone who meant so much to us, but it doesn't have to remain a life of sorrow and regret. I pray you will seek out some help in moving ahead with your life. I'm sure there is a purpose for you and you just haven't found it yet. God bless you as you seek to heal. Barbara

Liza Smith said:

tonia j ormond said:

Hi, my name is Tonia Ormond. I lost my mother in a work explosion, Jan. 29, 2003. Still to this day, I pick up the phone and dail her number. We had a set time that we talked after work everyday. She was/is my everything. I cannot let go, she was taken away from me at her age of 50. She had a lot of living to do. I have been told that you go through stages, but I guess I am stuck in "anger" mood. I cannot even ride by the business she worked at, even though it was all moved and rebuilt, and new. She wasn't given back, I fell as if they just snached her from me, and they get to keep on with their lives. I can't. Not a day goes by that i don't miss her, miss her calls, miss her coming by my workplace and getting her coffee before work. Miss her putting up my christmas tree with me. I can't even bring myself to putting my tree up, someone else has to do it. there were 6 lives taken from this explosion, and dozens injured. Most of the group that passed I knew on a personal level. So it tears my heart in many directions. How do I go on? It has been almost 7 1/2 years, and I feel the same today, as if it happened yesterday.

Sweetie, after 7 1/2 years you need to move on. This is said with love and understanding, but you may need professional help in getting over this tragedy. You have suffered long enough. Don't delay in doing the work of grief: that means working through the pain and not remaining stuck in a very bad place. All I can think of to do for you is to pray for your recovery and acceptance of your loss.

Permalink Reply by TAMMY on August 4, 2010 at 12:33am

ON THA 3RD OF JULY 1999 I WAS OVER TO MY MOMS HOUSE WITH MY 3 GIRLS THA BABY 3YRS THA MIDDLE CHILD 5YRS AND THA OLDEST 6YRS AT THAT POINT IN MY LIFE ALL I DID WAS WORK AND TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS IM A FIRM BELIEVER THAT IF U R OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE THEM THEN U R OLD ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF THEM NEVER WANTED ANY HAND OUTS OR WELFARE SO I WORKED HARD SOMETIMES 2 JOBS TO MAKE SURE THEY HAD WHAT THEY WANTED AND NEEDED ON THIS NITE I WAS ASKED OUT ON A DATE AND AT FIRST I SAID NO PLUS I WAS KINDA TIRED AND MY MOM SAID GIRL GO THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST WORKING AND BEING A MOM WANT U GO OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME I STILL SAID NO WELL SHE STILL KEPT TELLING ME TO GO SO I FINALLY GAVE IN AND CALLED THE GUY BACK AND SAID U NO WHAT LETS GO WE DECIDED THA DATE WOULD B A MOVIE CAUSE I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO GO PLUS I DIDNT WANT TO STAY OUT LATE WITH THE KIDS U GUYS EVEN THO IT HAS BEEN 11YRS I CAN STILL REPLAY THIS WHOLE SCENE LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY WORD 4 WORD WHEN I GOT READY TO LEAVE MY 5YR OLD HAD A FIT I MEAN UNLIKE EVER B4 ALMOST LIKE SHE KNEW SOMETHING SO SHES CRYIN AND HOLDING MY LEG AND SAYIN TO ME MOMMIE DONT LEAVE MOMMIE DONT GO AND Y SHE IS DOING ALL OF THIS IM HAVEIN SECOND THOUGHTS AND HERE COMES MOM GIRL GO SHE WILL B ALRIGHT ONCE U LEAVE SO THEN MY BABY STARTING ASKING ME COULD SHE GO WITH ME AND I SAID WELL IF U GO WITH ME THEN WHAT R YOUR SISTERS GONNA DO AND WHO R THEY GONNA HAVE TO PLAY WITH PLUS IT WONT B FAIR TO TAKE U AND NOT THEM BUT SHE IS STILL HAVING A FIT AND I NO IT IS BECAUSE WE WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER NEVER SEPARATED I WAS VERY OVER PROTECTED OF MY GIRLS AND NEVER LET ANYONE WATCH THEM WELL WE FINALLY TALKED HER INTO STAYIN AT MOMS AND I LEFT BUT SHE IS ALSO STILL HOLDING MY LEG TO GO WITH ME AND MAN WHO WOULD HAD EVER KNOWN THAT THEN WOULD BE THA LAST TIME I WOULD C MY BABY ALIVE I DID GO TO THA MOVIES ABOUT 30MIN INTO IT CALLED TO CK UP ON THA KIDS THEY WERE HAVING A BLAST SO THIS EASED MY MIND TO LET ME NO WELL ITS OK THA KIDS R OK SO IM FEELING BETTER NOW WITH EVERYTHING I REALLY ENJOYED THE MOVIE AND HAVEIN A CHANCE TO GET OUT AND DO SOMETHING SO WHEN THA MOVIE WAS OVER ITS NOW LIKE 1100 at nite AND BECAUSE OF HOW MY CHILD ACTED PRIOR TO ME LEAVING I FELT THA NEED TO GO PICK THEM UP TO TAKE THEM HOME SO I CALL MOM ON THA PHONE TO TELL HER NO IM ON MY WAY 2 GET THEM AND MOM SAYS GIRL I TOLD U 2 ENJOY YOURSELF DONT WORRY ABOUT THE KIDS THEY HAVE SHOT FIREWORKS,ATE AND TOOK THERE BATHS AND THEY R IN THA BED I SAID WELL I STILL NEED TO COME AND GRT THEM MOM SAID GIRL DONT U COME AND WAKE THOSE BABIES UP OUT OF THERE SLEEP U NO WAKEING A CHILD UP OUT THERE SLEEP STUNTS THERE GROWTH AND WE KINDA LAUGHED ABOUT IT SO INSTEAD OF GOING OVER TO GET THEM I WENT HOME NOW ITS ABOUT 1130/1140 GETS HOME TAKE GOOD HOT BATH AND REMEMBER I WAS ALREADY TIRED SO THA GUY IS GONE AND IM ON MY WAY 2 BED IN A REAL DEEP SLEEP 232AM THA PHONE RING I LOOK UP AT THE TIME AND IM LIKE IN A SARCASTIC TYPE WAY SAYIN 4 MY PHONE TO BE RANGING THIS TIME OF MORNING WHEN PEOPLE NO THEY DONT CALL MY HOUSE AFTER 1000PM AND I WASNT GONNA ANSWER BUT SOMETHING SAID NO U NEED TO ANSWER THAT SO I DID IT WAS MY MOTHER CRYIN, YELLIN THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE AND THE LINE WENT DEAD SO IM GETTING UP THROWING ON ANYTHING I COULD SO I CAN GET THERE AT THIS TIME I LIVE IN EAST NASHVILLE AND SHE LIVE IN SOUTH NASHVILLE NOW IM ON THE INTERSTATE I PASSED 2 FIRE TRUCKS THEN I GET TO MURFREESBORO RD AND C MORE FIRETRUCKS NOT EVEN THINKING THAT THEY R GOING WHERE IM GOING BUT THEY WERE WHEN I TURNED ON HER STREET AND SAW ALL THE FIRETRUCKS,AMBULANCES,NEWS MEDIA AND EVERYTHING ELSE I KNEW IT WAS PRETTY BAD I COULDNT GO UP THE STREET SO I PARKED DOWN THE STREET AND RAN UP THE STREET BAREFOOTED BUT I NEVER FELT ANY ROCKS R NOTHING ELSE MY FOCUS WAS MY BABIES I GET UP THERE THEY WOULDNT LET ME C MY KIDS AT ALL THEY WERE BRINGING MY BABY GIRL OUT LAST SHE WAS COMPLEATLY UNCONSIOUS AT THIS POINT IM FREAKING OUT CAUSE I HAVENT SEEN THEM I DONT NO WHAT IS GOING ON R ANYTHING THEY TOOK 3YR OLD AND THE 6YR OLD TO VANDERBILT AND THA 5YR OLD TO SOUTHERNHILLS DONT NO HOW IT HAPPEN BUT I BEAT THE AMBULANCE THERE NOW MIND U I WORKED ON AN AMBULANCE 4 5 YRS WHEN HE PULLED IN SLOW WITH NO LIGHTS ON I KNEW WHAT WAS NEXT WHICH IS SHE DIDNT MAKE IT THEY GET HER IN THE ER AND I KID U NOT IT WASNT EVEN 15MIN THEY CAME IN THE LOBBY AND SAID THEY NEEDED ME IN THE BACK AND POINTED ME IN DIRECTION TO A SMALL ROOM WITH A BIBLE ON THE TABLE THE DOC CAME IN AND TOLD ME MY 5YR OLD DIDNT MAKE IT I FELL OUT IN THE FLOOR CAUSE TAKE IN MIND SHE THE 1 THAT DIDNT WANT TO BE LEFT AND 4 A LONG TIME GUILT WAS WITH ME 4 A LONGTIME BECAUSE I FELT LIKE SHE WAS TRING TO LET ME NO AND I DIDNT LISEN SO THEY TELL ME I COULD GO BACK AND C HER AND TO C MY BABY LAYIN ON THAT BED COVERED UP I JUST WANTED TO DIE MYSELF NOW AT THIS POINT IM SAD,NUMB AND HURT TRING TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER WALKING BACK TO THE ROOM AND OMG NOT EVEN 10MINS HAD BEFORE I GOT THE NEWS FROM THE DOC AT VANDRBILT THAT THE 6YR OLD DIDNT MAKE IT NOW AT THIS POINT IM IN COMPLEATE SHOCK I ASKED THE DOC U MEAN TO TELL ME I HAVE LOST NOT 1 BUT 2 OF MY BABIES ALL IN 1 NITE U GUYS I WAS DEALING WITH ALOT I HAD NEVER EVEN THOUGHT I WOULD BURY ANYBODY MORELESS MY OWN KIDS AND TAKE IN MIND IM A SINGLE PARENT GOING THRU THIS ALONE NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAD PASSED AWAY MY GREAT GREAT GRANNY WAS STILL LIVING AND THERE I WAS NEVER PLANNED A FUNERAL DIDNT NO HOW R WHAT TO DO NO LIFE INS CAUSE I HAD IT ON MYSELF NOT MY KIDS AND HAD TO PLAN TIMES 2 AND TAKE IN MIND WHY IM FACED WITH ALL THIS I STILL HAVE MY BABY IN THE HOSPITAL FIGHTING 4 HER LIFE AND MY DADDY IS IN THE BURN UNIT WITH 3RD DEGREE BURNS HE WAS AT VANDY 4 37 DAYS HIS BURNS CAUSED HIM TO HAVE TO LEARN ALMOST EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN BECAUSE OF THE NERVE DAMAGE THAT WAS DONE U GUYS IT HAS NOT BEEN A GREAT JOURNEY FOR ME THRU THIS ALL I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF SO I COULD BE WITH THEM I DIDNT WORK 4 3YRS CAUSE I JUST COULDNT FUNCTION I WAS VERY BITTER FOR A LONG TIME I BLAMED MY MOM,MYSELF AND GOD BUT WHEN IT IS SAID AND DONE IM NOT DEPRESSED ANYMORE GOD BLESSED ME WITH MY WONDERFUL CHILD THAT SURVIVED I DIDNT USE ANY TYPE OF DRUGS NEVER WENT TO ANY THERAPY BECAUSE I HAD HAPPY KIDS AND VERY LOVING KIDS AND I NO THEY WOULDNT WANT ME TO KEEP HURTING AND SUFFERING DAY AFTER DAY NO ITS NOT EASY I WILL NEVER TELL ANYONE THAT BUT U CAN DEAL WITH IT BETTER AND LIVE A HAPPY LIFE AGAIN IM LIVING PROOF OF IT AND IM SHARING MY STORY SO THAT MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE CAN USE THIS STORY TO MAYBE UPLIFT THEMSELF R SOMEONE ELSE NOW I DO HAVE LOW DAYS BUT I DONT LET THEM GET ME DOWN TO THE POINT THAT I CANT DO WHAT I HAVE AND NEED TO DO FOR ME AND MY CHILD PLUS SHE NEEDS ME AND LOOK UP TO ME AND WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL BOND I WENT OUT ON FAITH WITH THIS THANG AND I SAID LORD PLEASE GIVE ME WHAT I NEED TO MAKE MYSELF WHOLE AGAIN FOR ME AND MY CHILD SO I LET GO AND LET GOD IT MAY NOT HAPPEN 4 U RIGHT THEN BUT HE IS AN ON TIME GOD AND ALSO NO THAT PRAYER CHANGES THINGS IT DID 4 ME GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE OF U UNTIL THE NEXT TIME. P.S IF YOU HAVE A BIBLE U R FAR FROM ALONE

Permalink Reply by Frances on August 6, 2010 at 7:05am

Hi my name is Frances and I read about the lost of your husband. I am truely sorry for your lost and the pain that you haved to suffer. I lost my brother on April 2nd 2008, no one took his life but himself. Yes he killed himself, no note so there are many unanswered questions. In the beginning I blamed his wife and myself because we were the closest to him. I did not see it coming and I get angry with myself. I wonder all the time what should I done different? So, I feel your pain only because I know having someone that you love to have them taken from you and family so sudden you do not even have time to think. I know that I feel pain every day I get angry with him and I have days I can just cry. I just know not knowing why hurts the most. I guess in your case it happened without warning and you did not get to say good bye. I hope the best for you and family. I guess find comfort in the fact that we are not alone in this that many families have gone through the same things that we have. I know that I am not alone and I am thankful. I have found comfort by having a great family and the support of many good friends. I also just lost our mom July 15th 2010. So now I am asking some of the same questions why? I loved her deeply and now she is gone. Well, I guess I have said to much but believe in God he will get us through this the thing called life.

Permalink Reply by Tammie Howell on August 14, 2010 at 1:21pm

I lost my first husband first love to a terrible car crash . No words can describe the way I feel even know when I am married again . You never forget people that pass. And people that tell you to move on abruptly it never works .
I don't know if this will help anyone but letting you no someone other then you is going threw a sudden loss . This all happened to me 19 years ago. I am 34 now still in pain , from my back and leg very kind husband , and still miss my first husband , and my first love but he is supportive of me . Too loose a husband , is very strange at first . I wasn't understanding how I Could get to be a widow at the age of 19 years old . We were just talking about having kids and everything was settling down . My new husband wants to wait on kids and , I am 34 I' m wishing he had the same attitude as my first husband . I Try to tell myself its not right to do then I feel guilty cause I know you can't compare anyone to the person you were with today cause they never be the same no matter how much you want it . Every song every , star in the sky everything reminds me of him. I try too love my second husband as deeply because I feel very guilty when I am still going threw , a mourning session. cause I never got to say good bye to my first husband cause I was in the hospital, about to die myself . Sorry if I am all over the place.

Permalink Reply by Michelle A. Grillo on August 18, 2010 at 7:43pm

hi im new here also but when i read your reply it touched very close to home. I lost my 16 year old son suddenly also in 2008. It was March though. My son was in a car accident on his way to school. He wasnt driving, but had been picked up by one of the neighborhood kids. My son was killed instantly. That was on march 20th. Then the 23rd was Easter Sunday, and to top that off his 17th birthday would of been the 25th of march. He was cremated and we got to bring him home on that day also. That was a little over 2 yrs ago and I am still pretty lost. They say it gets easier, but it will NEVER go away.
My heart goes out to you in your time of grief. Hang in there for the sake of the rest of your family cause unfortunatly you are thier rock!!!!!!!
thoughts and prayers go out to you and yours;
Michelle Grillo (R.I.P. son, Kevin Carr-Grillo,3-25-91/3-20-08

Kelly Carta said:

Hi I am new here but I have been going through the gammet of feelings for over a year now. My 23 year old (baby) boy was killed in a motorcycle accident. he was in a store parking lot gong 20 miles an hour. It was a freak accident. I have had the support of his many friends who still come over and visit and have dinner with us. Just like it was when Josh was here. I know he is in a happier but that doesnt mean I don't miss him every day. He was in the ICU for 6 days but due to traumatic brain injury he never woke up. I at least got to be with him and sit and talk to him. The doctors told us from day 1 he would never wake up and if he did he would be a (Vegetable). At first I asked God why, but after seeing so many things on the news about people living from shootings and an area plane crash where 3 people walked away, I realized it really was just Josh's time. Another hard part was the day before he died he started going down so rapidly that they couldnt use any of his organs, because he wanted to be a donor if anything ever happened to him. That was almost like another loss because I didnt want another parent or family to go through what we were enduring. We also had to deal with the fact there was no insurance to help with funeral expenses. We are still paying on that. It took a few weeks before I could try to start my life back and get to normal. But for me normal will never be the same. I dont hear him clomping down the stairs in the morning, or him heating stuff up when he came in late at night. My biggest salvation is that Josh has a 5 yr old son. With the amount of time we had him for visitation I felt like I was raising brothers. I have been doing ok, May was a horrible month. First Josh's birthday was May 4th, then Mothers Day, then the 21st when he had his accident, then the day he died was May 26th. Needless to say I was a basket case most of the month. Then back in March my grandsons mother took him away from us, or our regular visitation. She is only letting him come over once every 2 weeks for 24 hours. So again I am going through another heartbreak and missing him so bad I cant stand it. She is even wanting to change my grandsons last name to the name of the guy she is with now. Anyway I an sympathize with everybody on this board and some more than others. I know losing a parent or husband or sibling is hard, but I don't think anything compares to losing a child. But for those of you talking about writing, I did start doing that. I started it with the knock we got on the door at 4:00 that morning, through all of our hospital stay until the day we buried him. I think that really helped to, plus I wanted his little boy to be able to read it when he is old enough. Thanks for listening to my story and like you I know what youre going through. It sucks but we have to go on for those around us.

Permalink Reply by beth says on August 19, 2010 at 2:28pm

I lost my older brother in january to drugs. He was going to be 23 in march. The hardest part of all this is that it seems like my family can't catch a break. It is like one thing after another, as soon as we get back on our feet, we are hit with something else. I constantly think about him and the same thoughts go through my mind; I wish I told him how much he meant to me, how I didn't hate him for being involved in drugs and I think about the future and how he isn't going to be there when I get married and when I have a family. It tears me apart inside to know he isn't here anymore. When I am by myself or when I am waiting or something, I daze out and have flashbacks of seeing him in the caskett, and of all the people at the wake or the day that my parents came to my college to tell me he was gone. I just wonder if I am ever going to feel better.

Permalink Reply by Teresa on November 20, 2010 at 12:24pm

My Skylie's 1 year anniversary is coming up on Dec, 4th. Skylie would of been 1 on January 15th. She was just starting to walk. At this time last year she was sick which we thought was a flu but of course turned out horribly. I have not written anything in a long time because it's so hard for me to do anything. I don't call my friends anymore, I don't do anything, I can't get up on time for work so I always wind up working on Saturdays to make up my time. I don't care about anything, I don't like feeling like this but I can't seem to shake it. I miss Skylie so much the pain is just horrific. Lately I am having so many flashbacks of that night, I don't want to do Thanksgiving. That day everyone was at my house, I put her pj's on and she was so sick. I was very close a few times in taking my own life but something stopped me. My son and daughter-in-law who's baby it was is expecting in March with another girl. I am happy for them although I really believe it is too early. I am scared to death about everything. One of the kids at an afterschool program I work at was sick for 10 days and I couldn't get it off my mind because I thought he had what Skylie had. My daughter is expecting a boy the same week. I have such mixed emotions about these babies. Not sure how to love them when all I want is Skylie back. Skylie was with me almost every weekend and a few days during the week so I was extremely close with her. I can't sleep, I don't eat right, I am in counseling but having great difficult using the tools I am giving. My daughter-in-law said she doesn't want to bring the new baby back into my house, my house is up for sale which is going nowhere. Skylie died in my room in her playyard and the mom and I tried giving her CPR but it was too late. More than anything in the world I want her back. I would give my life is she could just be here. It's so hard, I want one more kiss, one more hug, a wave, I just want her back so badly. I don't want to be here with new babies I want her back!

Permalink Reply by Nancy Battersby on November 20, 2010 at 12:58pm

Teresa, I know how you feel about Skylie, I took care of bothmy grandchildren fron birth until four yrs of age. I was so close to them that I don't know what I would have done if something had happened to either of them. But something else happened, my son died suddenly on May 5th. He had what he thought was the flu also, but when he went to the hospital he passed away before anyone could do anything. I have never felt such pain in my life, I don't know if or when I will be able to live normally again. My grandchildren are all I have left, since my son was an only child. We live six hrs, away from them now and seeing them is not easy as it used to be. They are coming for Thankgiving and it is only the second time I've seen them since my sons death. I try hard for their sake to be positive but it is so hard. Some days I just don't want to go on, I don't understand why or how, he was such a wonderful son and life is so empty without him.

Permalink Reply by Teresa on November 20, 2010 at 1:28pm

Nancy I am so sorry for the loss of your son. It's so not fair! It is the hardest journey ever that we are on. When I am having a horrible time I just try riding the waves as they come. Sometimes I wish I would just drown in them. It is so hard to be positive for anyone or anything I understand. Enjoy Thanksgiving with your grandchildren. Take it one second at a time. Hugs, Teresa
Skylie's Mom Mom forever.



Nancy Battersby said:

Teresa, I know how you feel about Skylie, I took care of bothmy grandchildren fron birth until four yrs of age. I was so close to them that I don't know what I would have done if something had happened to either of them. But something else happened, my son died suddenly on May 5th. He had what he thought was the flu also, but when he went to the hospital he passed away before anyone could do anything. I have never felt such pain in my life, I don't know if or when I will be able to live normally again. My grandchildren are all I have left, since my son was an only child. We live six hrs, away from them now and seeing them is not easy as it used to be. They are coming for Thankgiving and it is only the second time I've seen them since my sons death. I try hard for their sake to be positive but it is so hard. Some days I just don't want to go on, I don't understand why or how, he was such a wonderful son and life is so empty without him.

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