Hi. I lost my son to suicide at the young age of 22, a few months shy of his 23rd birthday. He was bi polar. The pain the hurt, the LIFETIME of grief ahead has left me very depressed. I didn't wanna take anti-depressants until I found myself writing goodbye letters to my family. I knew then I was in trouble. I sought help and am okay now. I am not doped up, no, I am able to cry, but more importantly, I am now able to function. To make the loss worse, my ex and I did not get along. He made my life a living heck at the wake, and the funeral. Lastly, he did not allow me to go to my son's apt (his name was on the lease as well) so I basically have NOTHING of my child's. I now suffer from PTSD. Meanwhile, life goes on for him. He is the one who found my child. He hung himself during a blackout. Toxicology confirmed high alcohol content. He had been fighting with his girl, and called her she never answered him. She knew he was in bad shape mentally and yet told nobody. I am hurt, angry, and overwhelmed with grief. I am now a 'changed woman' one who will never be the same. SOS imo, we change. Life will never ever be the same again. I do recommend a great book though: Danielle Steele''s book called In His Bright Light, The Story of Nick Traina, her son. Yes, he was bi polar also. It brought me comfort, tears, and some laughter. For any parent who has lost a child to suicide and know or suspect your child was bi polar, this is an AWESOME book. I got mine at the 1/2 price bookstore. God Bless Us....xoxo
I am so sorry that you lost your son. I am a Christian, and I do have beliefs on suicide. However, I not only know that the bible says that the Lords thoughts are far above our own, and I am also Bi-Polar. As a Christian, it has been very hard for me to live with this brain disease. There is very little support in the Christian community fo rindividuals such as your son and myself, and I think this is because people are so caught up with the image of things. People with mental illness has multi- varied personality querks and behaviors that only serve to ostracize them from society. I personally believe that from suffering with this disease, you can learn to control, at least somewhat moderately the outbursts and other behaviors that come along with such a poor mood balance. But to do so, would be the equivalent of trying to overcome a terminal illness. It takes just as much tenacity to do so. I have of recent become a quick fan of Kay-Jamison Redfield who is a tenure clinical psychologist, and is herself a suffere of Bi-polar disorder. She was able to sum up very fluently the discription of a psychotic mood, in which she says it is a deep succumption into darkness, and at the times, the only solution is death. I tend to weigh such things on a balance always comparable to the Spiritual Word that I have accumulated after years of intense bible study. I do believe that the answer to all illness and disease is i the hands of the Almighty God. However, I also believe that very few human beings have the Spiritual capacity to dwelve with God into the realms that give us the access to conquer the evil principalities of illness and death. (Period.) For myself, I have taken on this recourse with the best of my abilities thus far. I amnot nearly disciplined for the type of prayer and fasting maintenance that is required to overcome these matters. So, to the best of my ability, I am able to at least learn what the matters and the strongholds are that tie us to these behaviors, and work to educate others about them, so that at the minimum, maybe someone will learn what they are up against, and stop blaming themselves. I believe that just as there are chemical make-ups and other biological factors that make us susceptible to diseases, both mental and physical. I also believe that there is also a Spiritual element for the same things. Since we are transient beings. Both physical and Spiritual. All of these issues go back to one key word, and that is balance. It has been discovered that cancer cannot exist in the body of a person with a proper ph balance. Nor can mental illness exist in the mind of a person with an proper neurotransmission balance. There are many factors which cause improper balance, and it presents itself physically, because it was originally spiritual. Before birth sometimes even. But that is neither her nor there. The key element is control. Self-control, weight control. diet control. A number of things. I have found that the thing that helps me when my illness begins taking over, is no.1 recognizing that I am indeed going into psychosis. Identifying the trigger. There always is one. Understanding tha for every action our bodies make, or fpr every emotion that we have, there is a chemical reaction that takes place in our brain. Stress is hard to manage in the mind of a mntally healthy individual. For, someone mentally ill, stress is like having a flu on top of an immune deficiency, and like someone in such a predicament, for any person going through that type of situation, it should be handled with intensive care. The problem with mental illness, is that all the symptoms are trapped in the brain. Fever, headache, nausea; if we were to see a physically ill person exhibit these symptoms, as a loved one, we would be readily attentive for the most part. For a mentally ill person, these symptoms are carried most dangerously in the heart and mind, usually exhibiting itself in the summations of the DSM1v. We cannot SEE a loved one having rapid thoughts, are frequently thinking about death, and so on. But when the matters become terminal, those behaviors tend to come to the fore. I too have lost a son this past year, not to suicide, but to murder. Over the past year, I have delved into the full of this grief. Many times alone with just myself and my higher power. It hasn't been easy. I too have developed ptsd which I began managing better once I identified that it was from my extreme anger with my son's murderers. (Members of my own immediate family.) He got into some drugs or medicine that was carelessly left out, and once he began exhibiting obvious physiological symptoms, they withheld medical care, until there was no hope for any. They have access to a little bit of money, and were probably more afraid of losing access to that, then they were of losing my son's life. CLearly. But the coping has been my redemption. I have come to understand mortality, and no longer fear my own, or do I have the need to sublimally pretend that death will never breach my doorway. A quote I take froma movie I didn't see all of, and despised what I did see, has stayed with me. "We are all dying." And from all that I have come to learn over this past year, has brought me to a very basic truth. For all that we live through in this human experience. Things seen and unseen. Things known and all unknown about the content of our lives. There is only God, and his order of the heavenlies, that truly know everything. We can guess, estimate, extrapulate, investigate, communicate, legate, judiciate, educate, and in the end all is vanity, for God knows all. So for this realization, what I have come to know as true, the undertone of my every belief in the Lord, is at the end of the day, you don't have to spend the rest of your life dying over the loss of a loved one. That is an emotional imabalance. There are a number of other things that will take you long before mourning ends your flame. So until that time, live. Live abundantly, and live free. Knowing, that when it is over, only God can judge you. It is my hope that any individual that has taken the time to read this entry, if you have not accepted the Lord as you personal savior, that perhaps this entry will plant the seed and inspire you to do so, so that you too may come to know the freedom and the peace that I have, even after such terrible losses.
1thes. 4:13: I would not have you brothers being ignorant in regards to those whom sleep, that ye would sorrow not, even as those that have no hope.
Sorrow not loved ones. Grieve for your season, for even the Lord knows that we must all mourn. But, sorrow not for the loss of life. Live for your today. This from an intensely bereft, grieving mother. His word has not return void. I still rejoice, for I know that even as I am dust, with life, I am still richly blessed. God bless u all. And Godspeed to your more abundant thinking and living from henceforth.
Grieving Mom said:Hi. I lost my son to suicide at the young age of 22, a few months shy of his 23rd birthday. He was bi polar. The pain the hurt, the LIFETIME of grief ahead has left me very depressed. I didn't wanna take anti-depressants until I found myself writing goodbye letters to my family. I knew then I was in trouble. I sought help and am okay now. I am not doped up, no, I am able to cry, but more importantly, I am now able to function. To make the loss worse, my ex and I did not get along. He made my life a living heck at the wake, and the funeral. Lastly, he did not allow me to go to my son's apt (his name was on the lease as well) so I basically have NOTHING of my child's. I now suffer from PTSD. Meanwhile, life goes on for him. He is the one who found my child. He hung himself during a blackout. Toxicology confirmed high alcohol content. He had been fighting with his girl, and called her she never answered him. She knew he was in bad shape mentally and yet told nobody. I am hurt, angry, and overwhelmed with grief. I am now a 'changed woman' one who will never be the same. SOS imo, we change. Life will never ever be the same again. I do recommend a great book though: Danielle Steele''s book called In His Bright Light, The Story of Nick Traina, her son. Yes, he was bi polar also. It brought me comfort, tears, and some laughter. For any parent who has lost a child to suicide and know or suspect your child was bi polar, this is an AWESOME book. I got mine at the 1/2 price bookstore. God Bless Us....xoxo
October 31, 2007 was the last time I saw my husband. Our marriage was very rocky due to his drug addiction. He had attempted suicide in Sept 2007 after a continuous downward spiral since that July. I never thought I'd love a man the way I loved him. For my own sanity and safety, I had no choice but to leave him. He had been in and out of mental health facilities, however, the "system" believed he would be capable of surviving in the real world. I bought him a bus ticket to his hometown, hoping he would seek help there.
I continued to talk to him on the phone, refusing to see him. It was my way of holding on to him, the man I loved, without being hurt. He continued to refuse treatment for his addiction and mental health treatment. Although, he continuously told me me he was clean, I knew he wouldn't stay that way without treatment. On July 10, 2008, I was working a night shift when I received a text message from him telling me he sent me an e-mail. He knew I was working that night, and I wouldn't check my e-mail until the next morning. Like always, I checked my e-mail the next morning shortly after arriving home from work. It was no different from phone conversations or letters he had written. He always manipulated friends and loved ones with suicidal verbage. I responded to his e-mail, but he never received it. An hour later, I received the call that he was found in his bed that morning by his father. It was determined he died during the night. Because of health conditions, his parents assumed he died naturally and an autopsy wasn't performed. I, however, knew differently. Family members cleaned the room later that day and stumbled upon a suicide note. It was never known the true cause of death, my guess would be an insulin overdose, as this was previously attempted. It doesn't matter how he did it. He's gone, and I will always carry a certain amount of guilt with me. My heart will never be whole again. What could I have done differently? I get so angry with him, still to this day. He left behind two beautiful daughters (from a previous marriage). Suicide is such a selfish act. I understand a mentally ill, drug addicted person isn't going to see it that way. But, what about the living? Our questions will never be answered. Will I carry this guilt with me for the rest of my life? iv>
I have never experienced the loss of a loved one through suicide, however, my boyfriend of 15 years lost both parents in a murder-suicide. He was only 8 yrs. old, he came home from school and found his parents lying in their bed. His mother was dead and his father was barely alive. He said that the stereo in the bedroom was playing, and he thought the gurgling sound his father was making was coming through the stereo.
This happened in 1975, he said no one tried to offer him support, police officers or emergency ambulance attendants. They opened the door of the bedroom and by doing so he was standing behind the door. He saw everything that was done to prepare to remove the bodies from the home.
He said after the funerals he was moved around and finally ended up with his sister, who was married to a man in a motorcycle gang in South Florida. He said these people were kinder to him than his own relatives had been. Eventually, he moved back here.
He tells me as he has gotten older, he vividly remebers the scene, the way the room, the bed, and his parents looked. And he remembers being the 8 yrs. old little boy standing behind the door.
I love this man with all my heart. I wish their was something I could do to take away his pain.