Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kelly Davis on January 23, 2009 at 8:25pm

Hi Helen, My name is Kelly Davis. I know just how you feel as I lost my dad on September 8, 2007. My dad was an awesome dad and my best friend also. In 2004 he was diagnosed with kidney cancer when he found out the diagnoses, he started having panic attacks. I am a Christian and I believe the Lord healed him of the cancer as later he had no evidence of tumors on his kidneys. He later ended up on psychotrophic drugs due to an incompetent Dr. and it escaladed into a too much for his heart and he died of a heart attack. He had been gradually going down before that. I lost my brother the previous year and a half as he was killed in an on the job accident. I have been in so much pain. Although I fully trust the Lord I struggle with emotions of guilt for not being close by to help as we lived hours away. My daddy was a hero to me and I cry alot. Also, my brother was a rock for our family and there is such a void. I don't know how to handle it alot of the time. I sometimes find myself looking for my loved ones. You feel like part of you has died along with him. It hurts the most because you expect them to be there as always and now they are gone. I believe we miss the human touch and the way things were. I have to reassure myself that this is not the end especially when I am in a lull about it. If you have hope you can make it.

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on February 4, 2009 at 9:37am

Martina, Yes it is very difficult being the only one that steps up to take care of a loved one and yes they have to live with their decisions. For myself I have tried getting over the anger with my brothers and sisters but I really have a badly damaged relationship with my mother. She seems resentful that I had such a close relationship with my sister if you can imagine that. I try to put it aside and then she will make a snide comment. She told my sister I was trying to shove Abby's memorial website down their throat. That really hurt me because I was just trying to invite them to look at it. I probably will continue to try to have the relationship with her because that is what we are supposed to do right. Maybe one day she will face her neglect of my sister and be honest about it. Your brothers I am sure are probably facing their own demons like my mother but we can take comfort in the fact we did not turn our backs. Write again soon. Stephanie

Permalink Reply by Sonia Norris on February 6, 2009 at 12:17am

There are always things that reminds you of your loved ones. I ;ost my 30 yearold son last August and when I see someone who has the same name or looks like him I cherish those things

Permalink Reply by Mrs.J on February 11, 2009 at 9:52pm

I'm new to this forum, but I've read some of the entries and would like to tell my story also. I have lost my precious child and there's not a day that goes by I'm not thinking about him or wandering. Wandering how tall & handsome he'd be, would he be in the process of finishing college and majoring in what field? I wander if he would have become a podiatrist. I'd always joke with him I wanted him to be a podiatrist, because he would soak my feet & massage them when I'd come home after working a 16 hour shift. He was so good at it. He was only 13, but he was a wonderful child, well loved by those who knew him. He'd always try to help others, which is how he lost his life__helping 2 other people. I was raised in Church and is a God fearing person, but I just don't understand why God took my baby from me. I have talked to Clergyman & woman asking why, and no one can tell me why. I don't know if anyone else can understand it, but I can't. My son lost his life saving two other people from drowning.
The thing that really does not help me at all is when someone says "I know how you feel," yet that person hasn't lost a child, or "he's a hero."
Never tell a Mother you know how she feels unless God forbid you've lost a child_it's like a slap in the face for me. Losing a child is a life altering event, nothing will ever be the same. Thank God for my family. They did alot of praying for me. The pain I felt in my heart was like a empty black hole that I could not find anything to put in the hole. People would tell me
"well at least you still have your two daughters," one child does not replace another. Each child has a special place in a Mother's heart and when one of the places in Mom's heart is empty, it's devastating to her.
I do believe from my life's own experience that there's no such thing as "closure" when you're talking about your deceased child. You learn various ways to deal with it, but no such thing as closure.

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on February 14, 2009 at 1:03pm

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspxTo All From Stephanie

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Permalink Reply by Cynthia on February 15, 2009 at 10:56pm

Dear Mrs. J,
My blessings are with you and your family. Please know that we are all here to listen and support you in your grief. When did your darling son pass? It seems that he had such high aspirations. And what a sweetheart he was to take care of your aching feet! Are you a nurse? Sixteen hour shifts reminds me of my nursing days (I am a teacher now). Honestly, there is no acceptable explanation for our loss. You are SO RIGHT about folks saying they, "know how you feel". It is infuriating, but I have learned that they don't know what else to say and truly know we are feeling the deepest pain one can experience. Eight months before our Laura passed one of her classmates, Meg, (who was best friends with our older daughter Sarah) died in a snowmobile accident. I remember crying because I was sad for Sarah, losing her dear friend. But after the funeral, seeing Meg's mom in her grief, I cried for days - sometimes uncontrollably. I knew I could not understand the pain she was going through, but I swear, the compassion was genuine. Looking back I often wonder if what I was feeling was a premonition for what was to bereft my family and me. I guess what I am trying to say is, all parents (I dare say, especially mothers) fear the lose of a child. It is a parent's worse nightmare.

Although I am a christian, and I truly believe God has a plan to guide our lives, I had many conversations with Him. And let me tell you, they were not always what you may expect a christian woman to say (no I didn't swear, but I was very angry). After much reflection I decided God has the biggest shoulders and could handle my rants (so go ahead and have those frank discussions with Him). Like you, I got tired of the generalizations people would make like, "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle." That saying is my pet peeve. Have you heard this one? "You are such a strong person. I don't know how you do it." The one that sends me into days of depression is (my own sister said it once - and I love her dearly), "You are so brave. If it were me they would have me in a rubber room." To this I have learned to respond, "Oh, is that an option? I didn't know they really had rubber rooms."

Forgive me Mrs. J., I wanted to keep this positive, but just to prepare you, well meaning people often say things that they do not realize are actually painful or hurtful. I hope you keep in touch.
Hugs,
Cynthia

Permalink Reply by loveblue2 on February 19, 2009 at 5:04pm

Hon, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. I just lost my mother a week ago, after an eight year battle with Alzheimer's. I've discovered two things that really stand out for me since my mom passed way; one, most people are very uncomfortable about death - they just don't seem to want to be around people who have lost a loved one. The second is that most people don't have a clue as to what to say to someone who has lost a loved one. The team I work in at work didn't even give me a sympathy card. I was very hurt and I let my manager know that. Do you know what he told me? Well, we didn't give you a card because we thought it would just be a reminder to you that your mom passed way. I was floored. Did they really think reading the card would make me say, "...oh yeah - my mom passed away. I had forgotten."

There are so many things in life that happen that we wish we had answers to. I really believe that we won't have the answers to our questions until we ourselves pass away. Until then, all you can do is try to work your way through your grief, trusting God as you go through your days. Sometimes I don't feel like it, but, I try to smile and laugh as the opportunities to do that present themselves. I know my mom would want me to do that. If she wanted me to be happy when she was here, she certainly wants that for me now that's she's in heaven.

I wish you love, comfort, and peace as you make your way through your grieving journey.

Permalink Reply by osullivansharon@yahoo.com on February 14, 2009 at 2:37pm

My name is Sharon and I would like to share my story of my precious grandson Eli who would have celebrated his 3rd birthday on Feb.11th.I have 2 sons ages 26 and 31.Both were expexting babies boys in April 2005.Tim's son (only) Eli was due April 1 and Robert's (2) was due April 19.Our family had plans for the 2 boys to be best buds for life.Fli had to arrive early due to intestinal problems detected during ultra sound.Feb. 11th Eli was delivered @ St. Vincents Women's in Ind (oustanding hospital) and under went surgey only hours later.Eli had gastrosceses (mispelled) ,and he lost all intestines etc.He remained in NICU unit and never came home until he passed away.My son and Eli's mom,Samantha stayed at his bedside adamantly.Their hardest decision was to remove Eli from life support

Permalink Reply by Mrs.J on February 14, 2009 at 7:14pm

2/14/09
Hi Sharon, I'm Mrs.J and my heart goes out to you. Because in addition to losing my precious 13 y/o son, I've also lost a granddaughter 3 years ago. She would have been 4 this April. Like you, I stayed by my daughter's side while she delivered DeAnna. DeAnna was breech, still born. I held her, and whispered to her how much I loved her after she was born waiting to see her little chest rise and fall, but it never did. I was devastated, I felt so helpless because after finding out the baby was dead, they made my daughter go through regular labor anyway. That's the worst feeling is watching your child in pain, knowing that baby is dead already, and you can't do anything to stop her pain.
I buried DeAnna with my son. For me, it made me feel like my son was taking her to heaven. Babies only have to be buried 3 ft. down, so she's lying on top of him.
Believe me when I say, "I know how you feel" you're in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by osullivansharon@yahoo.com on February 14, 2009 at 9:55pm

Mrs.J,you're right a person doesn't know until they've experienced losing a child.You are in my prayers.Tim & Samantha are now expecting their 2nd son on March 23.I miss Eli so much and I am so devastated that I find myself asking why Eli could not stay with us.I would do anything just to have him with us.One day during Eli's short life I talked to God about how selfish I had been.I didn't want to give him up but I also did not want him to suffer.His life so short (5 mths) and he was so small (3 lbs.10 oz)but he made such a big difference in our lives.I thank God every day for the time we were blessed to have had him in our lives ,I just miss him so much my heart breaks.I now have a very different perspective on life and I see things very differently than I ever have.God bless you.Our babies are probably playing in Heaven where they now have no pain.I look forward to communicating with you again.I keep reminding myself that he is in a better place and feels no pain.There are more tragedies tied to this story that I would like to share with you.Thank you so much for responding to me.There are many many more people out there that care and it helps to know I am not alone in grief and pain.Again ,thank you so much.DeAnna is your special angel as Eli is mine...God bless you and your family........Sharon O'Sullivan osullivansharon@yahoo.com or sharonosullivan@verizon.net

Permalink Reply by Mrs.J on February 16, 2009 at 4:03am

2/15/09
Hi Cynthia, I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words. I lost my son March 21,1998, and it still seems like yesterday. I miss him so very much.
What I've noticed Cynthia is my body acts as though it has a clock inside of me. Every March I start sinking into my depression, I don't care how I try to remain busy it's like my body knows. His birthday month is the same way every September. I admire you so much because you are able to pray and talk to the Lord, but I haven't got there yet. I do know it's the anger issues I still have is the reason I can't go to church, or pray like I want to yet, but I know eventually I will. I've lost my son, my granddaughter, and my husband all within 8 yrs., so my cup is running over. Yes, I was a Nurse for over 25 yrs., but I don't Nurse anymore and actually I thought about teaching Nursing.
I have learned to take one day at a time now. You are in my prayers.
Mrs.J

Permalink Reply by Mrs.J on February 16, 2009 at 11:45am

GM Sharon, Yes I think our grandbabies are in heaven playing together. I also believe my son is looking out for them. DeAnna was premature, she only weighed 9 ozs., but she was fully developed_just like a miniature baby. I had to go to the doll section to buy her little soft pink outfit to bury her in, and her little casket was white satin with soft pink roses around it. It was about 10 inches wide. I had to go to the funeral home to approve the body for her graveside services_she looked like she was lying there asleep.
God also blessed us with a boy now, he's 1.5 now and a very intelligent little boy. He's very active and doesn't let any grass grow under his little feet,LOL always on the go. He's sweet as he can be; when I tell him to give grandma sugar, he tilts his head back so I can get my special sugar under his chin, LOL. He's talking and my daughter and son-in-law are in the process of potty training him. He's figured out half of it, he takes his pull up off after it's wet and takes it to the trash can. We tell him "thank you" or "good boy" so he'll know he's doing the right thing putting the dirty diaper in the trash. He doesn't like for his older sister to help him do anything. When she tries to help him, he tells her "no" or "stop" and hits at her. We're trying to break him of hitting, but he's very independent.
Sharon you'll never guess who he looks like; my son when he was a baby.
I hope your new grandbaby gives you as much joy as Daniel gives me, and I'll pray the new baby is healthy and fine.
Hope to hear back from you soon, feel free to drop me aline at my email address below.
my email: vnjack60@yahoo.com
Mrs.J

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