Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by julie thomas on September 28, 2010 at 10:47pm

how are you feeling now? loosing your mom is traumatic. i just lost mine the july 3, 2010. we werent as close as we could have been, but not as distant as when i was younger. she was 90 and even though this is considered old and ok to go, it was not expected at all. i have 3 other siblings that aren't exactly close to each other and having to go through her stuff and deal with our issues with each other was horrible as well. i was also my mothers power of attorney for health and i give you a heart felt thank you for doing what you had to do, it must have hurt you tremendously. but, you did the right thing. your dad will forgive you at some point, but he also had lost his love which is a whole other process. i also lost my husband to an early death on 4/1/08 and that almost killed me many times as i am sure everyone in here who has lost someone, especially a partner or a child is like loosing a whole piece of yourself. so dont be too hard on him, it devastated your dad as well. children look at their parents completely different than a spouse/partner/child. i cant explain how it is different, it just is. i am not writing this to negate what you went through, because all loss from death effects us all. you have lost alot in a short time, but let yourself grieve and let go. i am finally to a point that i feel at peace with myself. i lost my husband, then my mother (dad died many years ago) both my inlaws, i almost lost my family after my mother died and i lost my job today because they could not deal with my grief issues. but, i dont have that stress anymore and that feels good. when you feel alone and out there, remember you are not alone, i relied on religion for my saving grace which helped me tremendously. everyone who writes here is here for you also. god bless you. julie

Tracy Shiffer said:

I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by flora torres on September 29, 2010 at 9:21pm

hi julie, i just recently lost my mama on july 27,2010 , she was here yesterday and now she is gone,i know she is in a better place, but i miss her so much, it hurts so bad, my family is hurting, she was my best friend, i lost her to ammomnia, she could'nt fight no more, i was the last one to talk to her, i promised her i would be strong, she was in the hospital here in merced,ca, she died in a week, i cry for her every night, the week before she passed my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, we didn't get a chance to tell her, but i know she knows now, i love you mama

julie thomas said:

how are you feeling now? loosing your mom is traumatic. i just lost mine the july 3, 2010. we werent as close as we could have been, but not as distant as when i was younger. she was 90 and even though this is considered old and ok to go, it was not expected at all. i have 3 other siblings that aren't exactly close to each other and having to go through her stuff and deal with our issues with each other was horrible as well. i was also my mothers power of attorney for health and i give you a heart felt thank you for doing what you had to do, it must have hurt you tremendously. but, you did the right thing. your dad will forgive you at some point, but he also had lost his love which is a whole other process. i also lost my husband to an early death on 4/1/08 and that almost killed me many times as i am sure everyone in here who has lost someone, especially a partner or a child is like loosing a whole piece of yourself. so dont be too hard on him, it devastated your dad as well. children look at their parents completely different than a spouse/partner/child. i cant explain how it is different, it just is. i am not writing this to negate what you went through, because all loss from death effects us all. you have lost alot in a short time, but let yourself grieve and let go. i am finally to a point that i feel at peace with myself. i lost my husband, then my mother (dad died many years ago) both my inlaws, i almost lost my family after my mother died and i lost my job today because they could not deal with my grief issues. but, i dont have that stress anymore and that feels good. when you feel alone and out there, remember you are not alone, i relied on religion for my saving grace which helped me tremendously. everyone who writes here is here for you also. god bless you. julie

Tracy Shiffer said:

I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by Jerr on October 1, 2010 at 2:19pm

I also had to watch my mom as she laid in a nursing home for over a year. It was the most gut wrenching thing to ever experience to see my mom like that, knowing she's the one that cared for me, gave birth to me, adviced me. She always had a fear of going into a n. home, and always told me to never put her in one. It was something our family had no other choice but to do, since she suffered a massive stroke. She was never able to walk or talk normally again. She suffered another stroke, which set her back. Her condition was so bad, we didn't know what to do and whether or not to let her go on like that. The last time she was able to move or talk I visited her at Baylor Hospital in Dallas. I was pregnant at the time and knew that she would never be able to hold her last grandbaby. The pain of all these mixed emotions is too intense for me sometimes because I wish she could see and hold him...if I could have one more day w/ her. But that last day at Baylor, as I was leaving, she grabbed my arm so tightly and begged me not to leave. It breaks my heart that we couldn't help her, I almost feel as if we abandoned her, even though it would be extremely hard if she was taken care of at home or had hospice care. All I know is that I miss her so much.

Permalink Reply by flora torres on October 6, 2010 at 4:38pm

my mother recently passed away on july 27,2010, she was so here yesterday, her home going was on aug 2,2010 and her farewell was on aug 3,2010, i cry for her deep inside every night, i miss her so much, it so hard to live without her, she was a big hearted lovely lady, best friend,mother,wife,nana aunt,great grandmother. i took her to the hospital for fever and back pain. she was diagnosed with ammonia and valley fever. The following monday she was in the hospital, that evening hte nurses told me and my family my mom was extemely ill, and that she had minutes to hours before she was going home, i thought no not my mom, the fight was to big for her and she passed at 2:48am, we wanted her to be ressucitated because she deserved a second chance, but until no avail we didn't want her to suffer and we had to let her go in peace, i so remember talking to her last and she said she was tired, she was tired,she was tired, she asked for apple juice and applesauce, as it was her last meal, i told her i loved very very much, its o.k. mama get some rest, and i will see you tomorrow! The week before my mom passed my loving sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have so much too much live for and now i have to help my sister fight her fight!

Jerr said:

I also had to watch my mom as she laid in a nursing home for over a year. It was the most gut wrenching thing to ever experience to see my mom like that, knowing she's the one that cared for me, gave birth to me, adviced me. She always had a fear of going into a n. home, and always told me to never put her in one. It was something our family had no other choice but to do, since she suffered a massive stroke. She was never able to walk or talk normally again. She suffered another stroke, which set her back. Her condition was so bad, we didn't know what to do and whether or not to let her go on like that. The last time she was able to move or talk I visited her at Baylor Hospital in Dallas. I was pregnant at the time and knew that she would never be able to hold her last grandbaby. The pain of all these mixed emotions is too intense for me sometimes because I wish she could see and hold him...if I could have one more day w/ her. But that last day at Baylor, as I was leaving, she grabbed my arm so tightly and begged me not to leave. It breaks my heart that we couldn't help her, I almost feel as if we abandoned her, even though it would be extremely hard if she was taken care of at home or had hospice care. All I know is that I miss her so much.

Permalink Reply by Kathy on October 14, 2010 at 9:40pm

Hello.
This is the first time I have written about the loss of my mom. She died this summer. She did have some heart problems, but I had no idea just how bad it was. I am now asking myself, how come I didn't see it and spend more time with her. We lived continents apart, and so it was not easy to get together, and we only talked about once a week, sometimes less. I am her only child. I went on a trip to see her, to spend a couple quality weeks together, laughing and sharing some good stories, going to our favorite places... but when I got there, she wasn't well, and we went straight to the hospital. She stayed in and was on IV and was given blood, and I spent just a couple hours with her at the hospital, then went to her place and slept there. I didn't want to bother her, because I wanted her to get well soon and to rest, so that we would have time to catch up and really do something when she came home. But we only had 4 days. On day 5 she underwent treatment she had had before, and wasa not supposed to be life-threatening. But she didn't make it, and everyone was in shock, even at the hospital. I went to see her and there was a stranger in her bed. I was all alone. She was only 61. She had given her life to make life better for others - she was a nurse, and she did much much more than just her duties as a nurse. She was the most humane and selfless person with the biggest heart I've ever known. I'm 30 and I miss her very much.

Now I am having to empty her apartment, and I am afraid of it - how can I throw out all those things that were once so full of our life? But they are just things. If someone has gone through this, can you please share your experience? What might I expect as I sort through the stuff and decide what (minimum) to keep and what to let go?

Thank you,

Kathy

Permalink Reply by Baby-daughter on October 16, 2010 at 5:03pm

I have read some of the replies about their mothers passing away and this is the first time I have written. First I am unable to stop crying and the nightmare is none stop. My situation I think is very different from the posts I have read. my Stepfather (the only father I have known) died 4 years ago. My sister took my Mama away and I was unable to see, talk or visit with my Mama. I tried everything calling, sending cards, letters, contacting my sisters 2 boys (actually adult men in their 40's). I was always very close to Mama.

My Mama died 7-30-2010. I was never informed of her death. I was checking the county clerk's birth and death records. I found my Mama's death record 7 weeks after her death. I was so upset that I had to be put in the hospital that night. You might be able to tell by now my sister is not very nice.

my Mama is/was the most wonderful Mother ever.

Mama wanted a burial and had paid in full a policy to do so. My sister had her cremated. My nightmare is my Mama is on the slab being burned alive and yelling and crying to me to please help her and get her out.

How do I cope???? I am alone as my daughter also refuses to let me see my 3 g-children unless I shell out $$$$$ which I have stopped doing.

As my sister has my Mama's remains acording to the death cert, I am unable to put flowers and visit her. I love my Mom so much.

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on October 17, 2010 at 10:33pm

Hi babydaughter! I am so sorry for the dysfunctions you have experienced at a time when families should work together as a team, and grow closer. I recommend the people you trust the most, I hope will help you grieve, and when or if the burden gets too heavy, by all means get professional help. A mom is not easy to give up, and there is and will always be a connection to both of you in your heart and spirit. When someone dies, yes their physical bodies are gone, but regardless their spirits are free. Perhaps your mom had to die, to be in your life. That sounds bizarre, but sounds like you were dealing with a family without a heart. Take care of yourself, and stay with this group. I have been a member 9 months, and I don't know if my emotions will ever be the same, but I try each and every day to recover and move on as a witness to what mom taught be to be. Belinda

Baby-daughter said:

I have read some of the replies about their mothers passing away and this is the first time I have written. First I am unable to stop crying and the nightmare is none stop. My situation I think is very different from the posts I have read. my Stepfather (the only father I have known) died 4 years ago. My sister took my Mama away and I was unable to see, talk or visit with my Mama. I tried everything calling, sending cards, letters, contacting my sisters 2 boys (actually adult men in their 40's). I was always very close to Mama.

My Mama died 7-30-2010. I was never informed of her death. I was checking the county clerk's birth and death records. I found my Mama's death record 7 weeks after her death. I was so upset that I had to be put in the hospital that night. You might be able to tell by now my sister is not very nice.

my Mama is/was the most wonderful Mother ever.

Mama wanted a burial and had paid in full a policy to do so. My sister had her cremated. My nightmare is my Mama is on the slab being burned alive and yelling and crying to me to please help her and get her out.

How do I cope???? I am alone as my daughter also refuses to let me see my 3 g-children unless I shell out $$$$$ which I have stopped doing.

As my sister has my Mama's remains acording to the death cert, I am unable to put flowers and visit her. I love my Mom so much.

Permalink Reply by Amber on October 23, 2010 at 7:11pm

I lost my mother on good Friday April 2 2010 this has been so hard for me.  I feel if she was sick it may have been a little easier for me to handle. She died in my arms in front of my daughter I grow since her death but it has effect me in every way.
Now with the holidays coming I no it is going to be tough to deal with because thanksgiving, Christmas New Years I always spent with her I feel so alone what am I going to do without her!

Permalink Reply by Felicia Jones on October 25, 2010 at 1:19pm

I lost my Mommy October 20, 2010, and I can tell you now that this is the WORST pain I have ever been in.....IN MY LIFE. Mommy and Me were super close and she was handicapped so I took care of her. She had a stroke and couldn't really use the right side of her body that much. Then 4 years ago, she had to get her legs amputated and she became bed bound. I worked with her, getting her up, tending to her needs and just being her best friend.....Cause she surely was mine. We used to sit around and laugh and talk, and talk about back in the day. My Moms was funny....I mean she could have you doubled over with laughter. She was kind, loving, smart, and full of wisdom. If any of yall was to have met her, you would have loved her. She loved to socialize and was very real and honest about life. When she did pass away, She was home with me and my oldest sister. She went peacefully in her sleep and we found her when we woke up in the morning. My mother was saved and she knew the Lord, so I know where she is...And believe it or not, I can still feel her spirit! I hear her voice talking to me, tell me that she is happy and that I'm gonna be fine....I just miss her here in Physical form....Sigh......She taught me so much and gave me so much that I know I will be okay to live on...its just the saddness of missing her. One of the most comforting memories I will always had is that I was with her in her time of need....AND I NEVER LEFT HER SIDE. Good times, rough times, sad times.....I was there! And I don't regret in because I feel like that's what I was supposed to do. My only hope is that she is proud of the woman she molded me to become......I LOVE YOU MOMMY! And I'm praying for all of yall who have lost your Mothers or a love one. Lean on God and his son Jesus to give you strength. And I love you all and hope that you will always cherrish the good times/things that you shared with your Mom.....

Permalink Reply by Felicia Jones on October 25, 2010 at 1:30pm

OMG! We sound like twins! I was my mothers care giver for 13 years and a lot of my loved ones tell me the same thing. I just lost my mom not even a week ago and I don't know what I am gonna do...cause all I knew was her. caring for her, loving her....and EVERYTHING reminds me of her.....its hard. but you aren't alone honey. I have been just trying to stay strong. I have my moments....I break down, and cry and let in out and then I start replaying the memories that we shared...and we had A LOT of GOOD times. My advice to you is to remember the good times and the things she taught you, and trust me, she was happy you were her caregiver...cause my mom didn't want anybody else. You are a great child for being by her side, cause not many people can say that! So take your time....cry when you want...yell, holla, cuss, whatever....LET IT OUT...AND KEEP ON LETTING IT OUT. Talk to her and and God and ask them both to give you strength.



sherry tate said:

Hi my name is Sherry, I lost my mother in August and I'm having hard time. I was my mother's caregiver for the last 15 years. Everyone kept telling it's time for me to live, that's what she would what. I miss her so very and I can't move on. I'm the young of six and I been there for them all at some point and time. Please help.

Permalink Reply by Felicia Jones on October 25, 2010 at 1:30pm

OMG! We sound like twins! I was my mothers care giver for 13 years and a lot of my loved ones tell me the same thing. I just lost my mom not even a week ago and I don't know what I am gonna do...cause all I knew was her. caring for her, loving her....and EVERYTHING reminds me of her.....its hard. but you aren't alone honey. I have been just trying to stay strong. I have my moments....I break down, and cry and let in out and then I start replaying the memories that we shared...and we had A LOT of GOOD times. My advise to is that remember the good times and the things she taught you, and trust me, she was happy you were her caregiver...cause my mom didn't want anybody else. You are a great child for being by her side, cause not many people can say that! So take your time....cry when you want...yell, holla, cuss, whatever....LET IT OUT...AND KEEP ON LETTING IT OUT. Talk to her and and God and ask them both to give you strength.



sherry tate said:

Hi my name is Sherry, I lost my mother in August and I'm having hard time. I was my mother's caregiver for the last 15 years. Everyone kept telling it's time for me to live, that's what she would what. I miss her so very and I can't move on. I'm the young of six and I been there for them all at some point and time. Please help.

Permalink Reply by Carol Jackson on October 25, 2010 at 7:39pm

This has been the year from hell. First we lost my favorite aunt, who was like a second mom/best friend/sister all rolled into one. She and I talked at least once every day; sometimes several times. She passed away March 11, 2010.

We lost my mom June 24, 2010. She was 86 and died from breast cancer which metasticized first to her bones, then liver.

The day my mom passed away, one of her sisters was diagnosed with rectal cancer. She passed away July 26.

On October 18, we lost one of my nephews, who was only 22 years old.

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