Missing Mom

Grief support for all who have lost moms

Losing your mother can be traumatic at any age. Share your grief and talk with others who are coping with the loss of their mothers.

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Permalink Reply by Debbie Smith on November 13, 2010 at 12:22am

My beautiful Mom passed away 8/06 and it seems like I cry everyday? I miss her so much...waiting for that 7pm call every night which she called me everyday. I have this "ache" in me that wont go away? It seems like no one wants to "talk" about her cause it will make my dad sad? I need to talk about her.... isnt that part of the "grieving" period one needs to get through? I pull myself out of the "sadness" daily when I am @ work but when I am home I just cry??? how does one get over this???? time??? its been 4 yrs and it feels like "yesterday" all over again

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on November 13, 2010 at 9:37am

Debbie,
I know that ache you describe so well. I believe that everyone here shares those feelings, especially with the holiday season upon us. My mother passed away January 31, 2009 and every special occasion without her is difficult, but Christmas will be the worst.
As for talking about your mother, memories of her, etc., I too believe this is very important. It will help you and your father to remember happier times with her, her sense of humour, special things she did. This may be a good time to start the dialogue with your father as he may have been reluctant to start the discussion for fear of making you sad. I do find it such a pleasure to talk about my many memories of special times with my mother.
I don't know if it helps you, but friends who have lost their own mothers 15 years ago have told me they still miss them, still ache for them. I believe this is because the first human connection we feel is in our mother's womb, when we hear, feel their heartbeat. This is a connection that will remain with us throughout our lives. At times I sense my mother with me, almost as tho' she is standing beside me or placing her hand on my shoulder. I only wish I could give her a hug one more time.
As someone once told me we may never "get over" the loss of our mother's, we only "get through it". I am trying to find some way of getting through Christmas, once more, without her. It also brings sad memories of her last Christmas, spent in hospital while a local choir sang carols in the atrium. (Last year I begged the hospital social worker to remove "I'll Be Home For Christmas" from such performances because it was hardly appropriate in that venue.) Christmas was always my mother's favourite time of year, and so I will attempt to do justice to the memories of her special preparations, but it will still hurt very much.
For all of us, who continue to grieve for our mothers, I hope there will be a less painful way to get through this season. Blessings to everyone!

Debbie Smith said:

My beautiful Mom passed away 8/06 and it seems like I cry everyday? I miss her so much...waiting for that 7pm call every night which she called me everyday. I have this "ache" in me that wont go away? It seems like no one wants to "talk" about her cause it will make my dad sad? I need to talk about her.... isnt that part of the "grieving" period one needs to get through? I pull myself out of the "sadness" daily when I am @ work but when I am home I just cry??? how does one get over this???? time??? its been 4 yrs and it feels like "yesterday" all over again

Permalink Reply by tammy thompson on November 13, 2010 at 11:08am

It's still hard for me to talk about the death of my mom, but it's kinda like being like a little kid again. my mom (EDITH LORRAINE THOMPSON) entered heaven on May 7, 2008, and that was so tragic and hard for all of us including me. ever since my mom died, I haven't been the same and the only thing I would like to know is when does the hurt stop or go away, because even though she's been gone for 2 yrs. now, it's still painful & hard as if it happened yesterday and if anybody knows of a local support group that close, could somebody send me some information or email me, (tammythompson1968@yahoo.com)

Permalink Reply by Linda on November 16, 2010 at 9:41pm

My mom went in to the hospital to have a tumor removed from her stomach. When she had the surgery they found that she had colon cancer. They basically sewed her back up and said she would have 6 months to live. She never came home from the hospital, she died within 2 weeks. That was February 20, 1967, and at that time they did not allow anyone under 16 yrs old in to see family members. My brother was 17, so he got to be there with her, but I was 10 years old and my sisters (twins) were 9 yrs old. From what I got from some relatives, my mom begged the doctors to see us or just let her talk to the 3 of us on the telephone. They would not let her. She was a mother that was always there for her children....waiting for us to come home from school, always dinner on the table, always clean ironed clothes to wear, never spending on herself it was always for us no matter how little it was, no yelling, screaming, cussing or fighting between her and my dad, if there was it had been behind closed doors because we never heard or saw it. The picture in my mind is still so clear of her getting into the car and turning around to wave at us through the window. The next image was at her funeral and she looked so beautiful and just like she was just lying there sleeping. My mom was such a loving, caring, wonderful woman who did not have an enemy. The funeral home had gotten so many flowers they were lined up in the halls, out the doors, down the stairs. So many people loved her so much. Before she went into the hospital, she cooked meals for a week or more to make sure that we would be fed. (And back then there were no microwave dinners) Everything from scratch, she even had desserts. While at her funeral, my grandmother, her mother, I remember her sitting in a little side room and the only word that I can explain what I heard from her is not only crying but whaling. I did not understand that at the time, it was my mommy that died. She died when her 3 little girls were at the age of really needing their mother more and more. I always thought my brother was lucky, he had her for all those important years, he was turning 18 the next month and graduating high school in June then off to the Air Force. So many, many times in my life I have wanted my mom.....besides the normal growing up, she wasn't there when I got married, she wasn't there when I gave birth to two beautiful babies, Jennifer on March 25, 1978 and Julie on October 21, 1979. So many times a daughter needs and wants her mom to answer questions about babies, cooking, marriage, being the best grandma any child could ever have..the list goes on. My daughters never got a chance to see, feel, understand what a grandmother is. But I have never wanted my mom more than I did and do now because my daughter, Jennifer, died January 1,2008 from a fire in our home. You just want your mom to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright through all the tears and heartache. Now I do understand how my grandmother was feeling and going through on that day at my mom's funeral. You don't bury your children, it is so out of order. Having half your heart just ripped out is the most painful feeling that I know now and painful really isn't a harsh enough word for it, because the feeling is a lot worse. I'm hoping if there is a place we all go to after this life here that they found each other and my mom is being her grandma and taking care of my baby. Love and miss my mom and daughter so very, very much..

Permalink Reply by Carol Jackson on November 17, 2010 at 9:30am

Linda, I'm so sorry for both of your losses. Losing your moth at such a young age AND your daughter is awful. My thoughts are with you. Hang in there.

Permalink Reply by beverly on November 17, 2010 at 6:02pm

i lost my mom 5-09 and i miss her so very much, she was my best friend,we were joined at the hip,where ever i went my mom would come along. she went in the hospitol for a minor surgury and she never came home, i am so angry at the drs who saw her in the hospitol, she kept complaining of pain and they told her she was doing a good job, there was so much malpractice, i tried to get a lawyer but nobody wants to take the case because she was 86. she was in such great health, she walked everyday,traveled with me,shopped,gardening etc. i feel like i have to do this for her. i cry everyday for her and talk to her pictures,.i am at a total loss with out her. with the holidays around the corner i feel like i want to lock myself in my bedroom until they are all over, there aren't any holidays anymore. i see her face in my mind and all i want to do is talk to her and ask her if she is with me.

Permalink Reply by flora torres on November 17, 2010 at 6:17pm

hi beverly, I feel your pain, Im crying for her right now, I see her picture everyday and want to hug
her so bad, the holidays are coming and I don't know how Im gonna through them,but i know I jave to live life to the fullest for her and my family, I love You Mama, Take care and God Bless, Flora in Merced ,Ca. beverly said:

i lost my mom 5-09 and i miss her so very much, she was my best friend,we were joined at the hip,where ever i went my mom would come along. she went in the hospitol for a minor surgury and she never came home, i am so angry at the drs who saw her in the hospitol, she kept complaining of pain and they told her she was doing a good job, there was so much malpractice, i tried to get a lawyer but nobody wants to take the case because she was 86. she was in such great health, she walked everyday,traveled with me,shopped,gardening etc. i feel like i have to do this for her. i cry everyday for her and talk to her pictures,.i am at a total loss with out her. with the holidays around the corner i feel like i want to lock myself in my bedroom until they are all over, there aren't any holidays anymore. i see her face in my mind and all i want to do is talk to her and ask her if she is with me.

Permalink Reply by Linda on November 17, 2010 at 10:44pm

Carol Jackson said:

Linda, I'm so sorry for both of your losses. Losing your moth at such a young age AND your daughter is awful. My thoughts are with you. Hang in there.

Thank you Carol....this is really a rough road and it definitely has changed me, I guess more than I know from what some people say especially from my work. It's like they are doing everything they can to beat me down and I just don't understand it. I thought I was trying to do ok but from their point of view I'm not. It has thrown me way back to that lost, confused and don't know what I should be doing phases again. I just don't know......

Permalink Reply by beverly on November 18, 2010 at 7:15am

thank you very much flora, i also would love nothing more than holding her in my arms and looking at her wishing she would talk to me, there are times in my mind i see her in the hospitol bed doing very poorly and i want to stop seeing that, i don't know why this happens because there are a life time of things to remember that are so wonderful and times i had so many laughs with her. i know both she and my dad would want me to carry on but it is just so hard without crying.
god bless you

Permalink Reply by Dottie's Daughter on November 21, 2010 at 11:02am

Beverly, I'm still pretty new to this but after reading your post I had to comment. The way you've described how close you were to your Mother is exactly how I was. We did everything together also and I can't tell you how heartbroken I am now that she is gone. She fell and broke her pelvis in May 2010. She left the hospital after 3 days and was admitted to a Nursing/Rehab Facility where she had started the recovery process. She was doing great learning to use a walker enjoying life again after a few weeks and was her old self. After getting out of the nursing home after 6 wks, she went to an private Assisted Living Facility until she recouped enough to be independent again and could return to her apt. By mid July she started having problems with confusion and seemed incoherent at times, acting very strange. She had never behaved this way before so something was obviously wrong. After numerous Dr's visits I begged her Dr. for a brain scan which he said she could not have unless it was an emergency. He said she was just getting old, and said she had dementia. She was 80 yrs old and had always been completely engaged with life, volunteering at the local hospital, shopping, always on the go, never confused or incoherent before her injury. She ended up in the hospital with a urinary tract infection mid-August and I was told she'd be fine after getting treatment. The Dr at the hosp told me nothing is wrong with your Mom except dementia which I didn't accept.I begged the hosp Dr to do brain scans but he wouldn't. Long story short, after she got released from the hospital she continued to go downhill, multiple UTI’s, major confusion and I kept begging Dr's for a brain scan which they refused. After another month she ends up back in the hospital with another UTI & dehydration. While at the hospital this time I demanded a Neurologist see her. Finally after a fight with her Dr. he finally relented and had a Neurologist exam Mom who ran numerous tests and exams and told me she had Encephalitis and her brain had such a bad infection she would never recover. He said all the confusion & strange behavior she had been having was caused by the infection of the brain. He said she absolutely did not have dementia based on his test results.The Neurologist told me if her Dr had done a brain scan and administered the medication for this brain infection (encephalitis) 2 months prior when she started the confusion she would have most likely been fine. I have been so angry at all the Dr's who wouldn't take the time to do the tests because she was just another old person who they thought had dementia. Everyone wrote my Mom off because of her age. I was with her when she died on Sept 28th 2010. I still can’t believe my Mom was living a full life one day, breaks her pelvis in May, and dies from encephalitis in Sept. My Mother was let down by the medical profession and I am very angry about her lack of treatment. I miss her so much every single day and I’m dreading the upcoming holidays as well. I just can’t believe she won’t be here cooking on Thanksgiving or decorating her little place for Christmas. I miss her so so much! We somehow have to get through all this and survive without our Mom's but I don't know how. I just miss her every minute of every day. Hugs to you and everyone else who misses their Mom like I do

Permalink Reply by Tara M. Carroll on November 21, 2010 at 12:14pm

I lost my mom on 1/26/10, she was 54 and we all thought she was in perfect health but she started having pains in 11/09. She had lost her job in November so I thought she was depressed but finally in January she could not take the pain anymore and I called an ambulance. We find out later that night she had Stage 4 colon cancer that had spread to the liver, she refused treatment and I was her power of attorney so I had to put her in hospice were she wanted to go to die even though I wanted and needed her to live. I had 2 weeks to process her cancer and then she was gone, I was 31 and an only child. I am devastated by her passing and to make matters worse my grandma (her mom) had an argument the day she passed and I know longer have anything to do with my mom's side of the family. I miss my grandpa but he took my grandma's side so that's that. My dad and mom were divorced and he did not come to the funeral to support me or my 3 kids so I'm upset by that but we are still close. I just recently re-married and that was hard that my mom was not present for the wedding and the 1st for all holidays are coming up. They say time heals wounds but its getting worse for me because I've never went this long without seeing my mom or talking to her and my son was 1 when she passed away and she is missing him growing up.

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Permalink Reply by Monique Conley on November 21, 2010 at 4:24pm

My mom died almost 20 years ago, when I was 11 and a half years old, she was 35. It was very difficult as she had a few orthopedic surgeries and was on a lot of pain meds. She had to see a few doctors, all of which gave her different meds. She passed away from the meds interacting by eating through the wall of her stomach. She was sick for over a month, we took her to the doctor several times and all they said was she had the stomach flu. We finally took her to the emergency room and by that time, she had sepsis (blood poisoning) and very damaged organs, it was too late, and within 48hrs she passed away. Needless to say her death did not have to happen, her prescribing doctors, doctors who said she had the flu, the pharmacist, all could have said it was the meds, but no one did. It was found there was negligence but unfortunately, we didn't have the money to pursue it.

She was a wonderful woman who loved to talk, she could talk to anyone, and just really enjoyed life. It was hard living with a much older dad who developed alcoholism. Luckily I lived with my grandparents and got on the right track.

I miss her dearly and I can't remember how she sounds, her smells, many of her daily habits anymore, but, I remember her essence. I am also very very cautious now when my doctor prescribes me anything, I'm always asking if this will effect that. Many people don't realize that is a serious situation and you can die from it. Always tell every doctor you see exactly what you are on and how much, it may literally save your life.