Remembering Dad

Grief support: No matter what your age, losing your dad can be difficult. Share your grief and talk with others who are coping with the death of their fathers.

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Permalink Reply by Priceless on February 2, 2010 at 9:11pm

To Lori Farrar, I am sorry for your loss. I read your post of what the VA did; that is unacceptable in so many ways. Did they give you a reason for this?

Lori Farrar said:

My dad suffered through a coma for 7 years, in a hospital and a nursing home. He never left the nursing home alive. That is where he died, and its a hard reality to live through. My dad died way back in 1993, and its hard to forget that day. He died just before Christmas. Its a hard way to celebrate Christmas, and New Years. He suffered a car accident, before going into coma. Then he suffered my ex-husband beating him on and around the head. It took the VA about 3 to 4 years to bury him. He was in WWII, but they left his physical body in a freezer for almost 4 years. I was shocked.

Permalink Reply by Amber on February 4, 2010 at 9:18pm

My story is not as typical as all of yours, and I am sure many of you will think I am horrible and uncaring. I lost my father to advanced esophageal cancer on Thanksgiving night, 08. He was on life support and we elected to take him off the vent as well as any meds that were prolonging his life. As a nurse, I knew it was the right thing to do. I have taken care of many people who are only 'alive' based on a machine. My father didn't want that kind of "life". Anyhow, my relationship with my father was/is (I still cant use past tense) strained. I was his little angel when I was younger. Wherever he went, there I go. When adolescence hit, a rift began. I began to think differently and to stand up for myself and what I believed in, and that included when he would treat my mom badly. He eventually changed and became liberated, if you will, but there was a price. Our relationship. I just couldn't handle having to "parent" my parent and not being parented by him. But we went on anyway. In my late teens, my father was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. He wouldnt use the CPap or BiPap machines. He turned into a Dr. Jekyll, Mr Hyde character, which severe chronic sleep deprivation will do. He became depressed, angry, insolent, paranoid, and withdrawn. But not to everyone. Just to me, and my mom. He became my brother's best friend and he was the "perfect uncle/brother/etc" But at home, the truth was different. We stopped talking except for a few small bits here and there. He wouldnt celebrate holidays with me, but would with my brother. Somehow I became the redheaded stepchild to him. He wouldnt even hug me or tell me he loved me, and consequently I wouldnt tell him I loved him....then he was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 57 and the rug was thrown out under our feet. His doctor severely over medicated him, to the point he was delirious majority of the time. So there were no father-daughter-lets-get-everything-out-in-the-open-because-death-is here talks. He did write a letter to me, basically writing his love and pride about me. But, to me, I am still having major difficult processing his death. The wonderful relationship I had with him for the first 13 years of my life, followed by a strained relationship, followed by a complete lack of love and vengeance before he passed. I can't say I love my father. I don't know if I do. And thats what I have never said to anyone because I dont think anyone gets it. Im not sure if anyone will get it on here. The hurt and rejection runs so deep, and I can't seem to let go of it. I know my father is happy and joyful now. Great. Wonderful. I'm still the rejected one. I'm still dealing with never having a healthy relationship with any guy because of my relationship with my father. Anyhow, yeah so grief pretty much is still prevalent in me. I had to get this off of my chest.

Permalink Reply by julie thomas on February 4, 2010 at 10:53pm

i lost my dad to, but i did love him, it was the absence of him that brought about the distance i had with my mother, who is still living. it was really hard to loose like that. but i do understand how you must feel. i alwys felt lonely growing up, i never felt close to my mother and it has taken years but i have forgiven her as much as i can. dont go your whole life feeling rejected, you are not. every person who comes through this website at some point understands your pain. pain and grief are universal here and we do care how you feel

Permalink Reply by BECKY on February 5, 2010 at 1:18pm

My Dad Billy passed away Wednesday January 20 2010. He suffered from COPD and empheseyma. Daddy was 69. He went into hospital Dec, 28 2009 with severe breathing problems & poor lung function . he eventually seemed to be getting better was transfered to a nursing recovery center for rehahabilitation. while there he said. " I feel good, I believe I'm gonna make it." later he was sent back to hospital, breathing troubles flared up. He died while I was in the elevator on my way up to see him. (seven days after he had said he felt good) I went to hospital daily to see dad, but that time they called my cell, I said i was on my way up- in elevator. When I stepped out- Dads Doctor met me. He said I'm sorry, You just missed him" He died at 9:05 am. I got to his side at 9:07Am. It hurts. But I remind my self he is no longer struggling to breathe like he had been. But God I miss him. My dad was a contruction worker /dry waller, who raised his two daughters alone. Dad resided with me since 2002 when he had a heart attack. He was my Daddy and my best friend. I just recently entered his room. It was hard, oh so very hard at first it brought me to my knees in tears. but in there I found a wealth of memories with all the pictures ,cards and notes my dad kept. I'm working through it, but some days are hard and some are good.In general I'm at peace knowing he is at peace. But I still miss him.

Permalink Reply by Priceless on February 5, 2010 at 5:35pm

Amber,
I am sorry for the loss of your father. I feel this is a good place to vent. We all have different lives even though we have a word in common "Grief." The word "Grief" brings about so many different feelings, whether past or present, whether close or far away; the word has different meaning for each of us on our journey. God Bless.

Amber said:

My story is not as typical as all of yours, and I am sure many of you will think I am horrible and uncaring. I lost my father to advanced esophageal cancer on Thanksgiving night, 08. He was on life support and we elected to take him off the vent as well as any meds that were prolonging his life. As a nurse, I knew it was the right thing to do. I have taken care of many people who are only 'alive' based on a machine. My father didn't want that kind of "life". Anyhow, my relationship with my father was/is (I still cant use past tense) strained. I was his little angel when I was younger. Wherever he went, there I go. When adolescence hit, a rift began. I began to think differently and to stand up for myself and what I believed in, and that included when he would treat my mom badly. He eventually changed and became liberated, if you will, but there was a price. Our relationship. I just couldn't handle having to "parent" my parent and not being parented by him. But we went on anyway. In my late teens, my father was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. He wouldnt use the CPap or BiPap machines. He turned into a Dr. Jekyll, Mr Hyde character, which severe chronic sleep deprivation will do. He became depressed, angry, insolent, paranoid, and withdrawn. But not to everyone. Just to me, and my mom. He became my brother's best friend and he was the "perfect uncle/brother/etc" But at home, the truth was different. We stopped talking except for a few small bits here and there. He wouldnt celebrate holidays with me, but would with my brother. Somehow I became the redheaded stepchild to him. He wouldnt even hug me or tell me he loved me, and consequently I wouldnt tell him I loved him....then he was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 57 and the rug was thrown out under our feet. His doctor severely over medicated him, to the point he was delirious majority of the time. So there were no father-daughter-lets-get-everything-out-in-the-open-because-death-is here talks. He did write a letter to me, basically writing his love and pride about me. But, to me, I am still having major difficult processing his death. The wonderful relationship I had with him for the first 13 years of my life, followed by a strained relationship, followed by a complete lack of love and vengeance before he passed. I can't say I love my father. I don't know if I do. And thats what I have never said to anyone because I dont think anyone gets it. Im not sure if anyone will get it on here. The hurt and rejection runs so deep, and I can't seem to let go of it. I know my father is happy and joyful now. Great. Wonderful. I'm still the rejected one. I'm still dealing with never having a healthy relationship with any guy because of my relationship with my father. Anyhow, yeah so grief pretty much is still prevalent in me. I had to get this off of my chest.

Permalink Reply by robyn sesser on February 15, 2010 at 6:37pm

Anna said:

I lost my Dad on 1/17/2009 I feel a big void inside that probably only who have had a loss like mine can understand. I feel he was taken much to soon from us. My Dad worked up until the age of 76 he was strong as an OX, one month after he retired he was diagnosed with Lymphoma stage 4 large cell, there was hope though because I quote his Doctor, "if your going to get Cancer this is the best one to get" The one with the most remission rate. Well he fought and fought had chemo and radiation and 11 months after being diagnosed he lost his battle due to complications of pneumonia, however the cancer was still there, stronger than ever, he was the 20% the is not curable or that go into remission. He was both Father and Mother to my Sister and I, yes we have our Mother but unfortunately we were closer to him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and hope that he is in a better place. I miss him, my Sister misses him and his Grandchildren miss him the most, there is not a thing that I do throughout the day that does not remind me of him one way or another. I feel like I can write a book sometimes of how I feel. I have not yet dreamed of him, that makes me sad sometimes. I just wish I would have had more time with him. The Holidays are unthinkable for me right now, thank God I have my Children, that's all I can say. Pipo I love you so much, rest in peace. Your Daughter.

Permalink Reply by robyn sesser on February 15, 2010 at 6:38pm

robyn sesser said:

Anna said:
I lost my Dad on 1/17/2009 I feel a big void inside that probably only who have had a loss like mine can understand. I feel he was taken much to soon from us. My Dad worked up until the age of 76 he was strong as an OX, one month after he retired he was diagnosed with Lymphoma stage 4 large cell, there was hope though because I quote his Doctor, "if your going to get Cancer this is the best one to get" The one with the most remission rate. Well he fought and fought had chemo and radiation and 11 months after being diagnosed he lost his battle due to complications of pneumonia, however the cancer was still there, stronger than ever, he was the 20% the is not curable or that go into remission. He was both Father and Mother to my Sister and I, yes we have our Mother but unfortunately we were closer to him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and hope that he is in a better place. I miss him, my Sister misses him and his Grandchildren miss him the most, there is not a thing that I do throughout the day that does not remind me of him one way or another. I feel like I can write a book sometimes of how I feel. I have not yet dreamed of him, that makes me sad sometimes. I just wish I would have had more time with him. The Holidays are unthinkable for me right now, thank God I have my Children, that's all I can say. Pipo I love you so much, rest in peace. Your Daughter.

Permalink Reply by robyn sesser on February 15, 2010 at 6:39pm

robyn sesser said:

robyn sesser said:
Anna said:
I lost my Dad on 1/17/2009 I feel a big void inside that probably only who have had a loss like mine can understand. I feel he was taken much to soon from us. My Dad worked up until the age of 76 he was strong as an OX, one month after he retired he was diagnosed with Lymphoma stage 4 large cell, there was hope though because I quote his Doctor, "if your going to get Cancer this is the best one to get" The one with the most remission rate. Well he fought and fought had chemo and radiation and 11 months after being diagnosed he lost his battle due to complications of pneumonia, however the cancer was still there, stronger than ever, he was the 20% the is not curable or that go into remission. He was both Father and Mother to my Sister and I, yes we have our Mother but unfortunately we were closer to him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and hope that he is in a better place. I miss him, my Sister misses him and his Grandchildren miss him the most, there is not a thing that I do throughout the day that does not remind me of him one way or another. I feel like I can write a book sometimes of how I feel. I have not yet dreamed of him, that makes me sad sometimes. I just wish I would have had more time with him. The Holidays are unthinkable for me right now, thank God I have my Children, that's all I can say. Pipo I love you so much, rest in peace. Your Daughter.

Permalink Reply by BECKY on February 16, 2010 at 12:47pm

Funny, I was in mall and I passed a man who smelled " just like dad". He must have had on "old spice" - thats what my dad wore daily. I miss dad greatly -but that one moment braught back nice memories. Becky - Bills daughter
BECKY said:

My Dad Billy passed away Wednesday January 20 2010. He suffered from COPD and empheseyma. Daddy was 69. He went into hospital Dec, 28 2009 with severe breathing problems & poor lung function . he eventually seemed to be getting better was transfered to a nursing recovery center for rehahabilitation. while there he said. " I feel good, I believe I'm gonna make it." later he was sent back to hospital, breathing troubles flared up. He died while I was in the elevator on my way up to see him. (seven days after he had said he felt good) I went to hospital daily to see dad, but that time they called my cell, I said i was on my way up- in elevator. When I stepped out- Dads Doctor met me. He said I'm sorry, You just missed him" He died at 9:05 am. I got to his side at 9:07Am. It hurts. But I remind my self he is no longer struggling to breathe like he had been. But God I miss him. My dad was a contruction worker /dry waller, who raised his two daughters alone. Dad resided with me since 2002 when he had a heart attack. He was my Daddy and my best friend. I just recently entered his room. It was hard, oh so very hard at first it brought me to my knees in tears. but in there I found a wealth of memories with all the pictures ,cards and notes my dad kept. I'm working through it, but some days are hard and some are good.In general I'm at peace knowing he is at peace. But I still miss him.

Permalink Reply by Mike on February 16, 2010 at 6:34pm

Just lost my Dad last week. He was 83, but it was still too sudden. I regret so much that I didn't spend more time with him even though I knew he was suffering. We both missed out.

Permalink Reply by Mike on February 16, 2010 at 7:09pm

Amber said:

My story is not as typical as all of yours, and I am sure many of you will think I am horrible and uncaring. I lost my father to advanced esophageal cancer on Thanksgiving night, 08. He was on life support and we elected to take him off the vent as well as any meds that were prolonging his life. As a nurse, I knew it was the right thing to do. I have taken care of many people who are only 'alive' based on a machine. My father didn't want that kind of "life". Anyhow, my relationship with my father was/is (I still cant use past tense) strained. I was his little angel when I was younger. Wherever he went, there I go. When adolescence hit, a rift began. I began to think differently and to stand up for myself and what I believed in, and that included when he would treat my mom badly. He eventually changed and became liberated, if you will, but there was a price. Our relationship. I just couldn't handle having to "parent" my parent and not being parented by him. But we went on anyway. In my late teens, my father was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. He wouldnt use the CPap or BiPap machines. He turned into a Dr. Jekyll, Mr Hyde character, which severe chronic sleep deprivation will do. He became depressed, angry, insolent, paranoid, and withdrawn. But not to everyone. Just to me, and my mom. He became my brother's best friend and he was the "perfect uncle/brother/etc" But at home, the truth was different. We stopped talking except for a few small bits here and there. He wouldnt celebrate holidays with me, but would with my brother. Somehow I became the redheaded stepchild to him. He wouldnt even hug me or tell me he loved me, and consequently I wouldnt tell him I loved him....then he was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 57 and the rug was thrown out under our feet. His doctor severely over medicated him, to the point he was delirious majority of the time. So there were no father-daughter-lets-get-everything-out-in-the-open-because-death-is here talks. He did write a letter to me, basically writing his love and pride about me. But, to me, I am still having major difficult processing his death. The wonderful relationship I had with him for the first 13 years of my life, followed by a strained relationship, followed by a complete lack of love and vengeance before he passed. I can't say I love my father. I don't know if I do. And thats what I have never said to anyone because I dont think anyone gets it. Im not sure if anyone will get it on here. The hurt and rejection runs so deep, and I can't seem to let go of it. I know my father is happy and joyful now. Great. Wonderful. I'm still the rejected one. I'm still dealing with never having a healthy relationship with any guy because of my relationship with my father. Anyhow, yeah so grief pretty much is still prevalent in me. I had to get this off of my chest.

Amber, I'm so sorry for you loss. But as a father of three daughters, I know how things can change when the teen years hit. But please know that even though circumstances may come between daughters and their dads, the original genuine love remains. So try to understand the first 13 years as the true years in your heart. What followed those years was unfortunate for both of you, partly due to a loss of communication and partly because of his physical challenges. Your dad may also have had trouble relating to a teenage daughter who needed to find her own way in the world. But that wouldn't erase his true feelings toward you. He just didn't know how to adjust to the transition - from his precious little angel to a young woman. This happens much more than most realize. Our father is sometimes the primary mirror by which we know our value. Remember how your father saw you when you were younger - his little angel. This is your true reflection. His love was true, and it remains. You are a precious person. Please don't ever forget this. And even more, our Father in heaven sees us even better than that. Because he loves you and me with perfect love. Anyway, hope this helps. God bless.

Permalink Reply by Mike on February 16, 2010 at 7:14pm

My Dad passed last week at 83. I regret so much that I didn't spend more time with him even though I knew he was suffering. I never really knew him well, but now I see him around every corner.