My father is in the process of dying. We have been told it will be just days. He is in Wichita and I am 3 hours away. He just moved to Wichita to his wife's daughters home. I have been going down once a week for the past 5 months to his home to help with his care and to visit. Now I feel like he has been taken from me since he is so far away. I feel like I have abandoned him. Ours is a very different dysfuntional situation. His wife and her two daughters have taken over completely the past few months and my siblings and I (there is a total of seven of us), have been left out. We have not been able to talk about the terminal illness process in front of her. I am so overwhelmed with the entire situation. I have not had a chance to grieve the way I believe I should be able to. I have not had a true time alone with my dad since this all started. She will not leave his side and in my opinion, been very selfish. At times, I don't know which way to turn.

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diana, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with his wife and her family while going through this with your dad.....you should be allowed to spend some alone time with him. does he have a minister or Pastor who is visiting him during these last days? perhaps a clergy could speak with his wife and convince her how important it is for you and your siblings to be allowed to say goodbye. Regardless of her, I hope you can go and be near him at least. You won't have these days back once he is gone........ your family is in my prayers, jen
Dad does not have a pastor. He finally got on Hospice and I did call them yesterday. They suggested my sisters and I write his wife a letter and explain how we feel. This will do no good. In fact after I left a voicemail w/hospice, she called me and said "I gave my permission for Hospice to talk to you, Nancy and Juanita about your dad. OK, Bye" and hung up. It was as if she had to make sure and let us know it was her that said it was OK and we should be thankful to her. It sickens me to know that she had to give HER permission for me to talk to anyone about MY dad. I can never get any of these days back and I'm afraid that when I look back on his final months/days in the future, she will be the first I think of and these feelings I have will always be there. When I was on the phone w/Hospice telling the lady of the situation with Dad's wife and some of the things we were dealing with, it almost sounded unbelievable to me! Unless someone has seen or heard these, it almost sounds like something out of a movie!!! I have total resentment for her and I'm afraid the passing of my days and the days that follow will be very emotional and trying for us all.
Dear Dianna, I am in the same situation as you are. If you care to get in touch please try to add me as a friend. I just tried my hardest to write out our same senerio in life but it would not post. God Bless!

Diana said:
Dad does not have a pastor. He finally got on Hospice and I did call them yesterday. They suggested my sisters and I write his wife a letter and explain how we feel. This will do no good. In fact after I left a voicemail w/hospice, she called me and said "I gave my permission for Hospice to talk to you, Nancy and Juanita about your dad. OK, Bye" and hung up. It was as if she had to make sure and let us know it was her that said it was OK and we should be thankful to her. It sickens me to know that she had to give HER permission for me to talk to anyone about MY dad. I can never get any of these days back and I'm afraid that when I look back on his final months/days in the future, she will be the first I think of and these feelings I have will always be there. When I was on the phone w/Hospice telling the lady of the situation with Dad's wife and some of the things we were dealing with, it almost sounded unbelievable to me! Unless someone has seen or heard these, it almost sounds like something out of a movie!!! I have total resentment for her and I'm afraid the passing of my days and the days that follow will be very emotional and trying for us all.
my heart goes out to you,tell her you want some alone time with your dad and if she says anything just push yoou athourity around she is being selfish-you tell her you was here before she was.
My prayers are with ya'll for this is so wrong what that woman is doing to ya'll. Natalie
Dear Diana! i have pushed right past the "gargoils" in their demands of "Dont go there period". Of course i got them angry... them feeling she really has the gaul.. but guess what? That is our dad towards his end days, and no one can take that away from us. Seeing u have permission from the Hospice people to recieve information: u go for it!! Unfortunately there are so many very very selfish "second wives" who feel they OWN the right to make the rules. NOT! They want to burry the first family... in every shape and form. Too bad, this one (me) would not be intimidated and i suggest you dont let it happen to you either! show up unannounced, with bells on your toes!! Your dad will be very happy to see u i promise;) please update us and let us know how your doing.

Natalie said:
My prayers are with ya'll for this is so wrong what that woman is doing to ya'll. Natalie
My father passed recently (Sept. 10, 2009) from Lung cancer. he also lived a hour away and has a new family. What I did was before he passed I took ALLOT of time off (as much as I could) and stayed at his house from like Thursday till Tuesday's or whatever I could.
Even if you can only go Friday's, GO!!!
My father was my world and I was a only child with two step sibling's but, they respected my time also.
No use in little this upset you because pretty soon he will be gone and then there is NO turning back.
Love him why he is here, never fight for him or his attention, remember she is losing someone also and try your best to just let it all slide until after he is gone.
And by the way, the true grieving comes once he is gone no matter how long he has been living terminal or not, my father was April to Sept. and I lost it completely after he was gone.
More than I ever thought I would.
Good luck and God bless you,
Sheri

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