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Permalink Reply by casp231 on May 9, 2009 at 12:17am

I lost my mom on April 8th, 2009. She was 86. She had vascular dementia, but still knew me when I visited her and was always so happy to see me. On April 3rd, she fell and broke her neck in several places and although she did not sever the spinal cord so she was on a respirator and unconscious when we arrived at the hospital. I have 4 siblings and 2 days later we had to make the very difficult decision to abide by the wishes of Mom's living will and take her off the life support. She passed away two and a half days later. It was one of the hardest decisions we have ever made as a family, but we made it by holding close to one another and asking the question, "what would Mom want?" All 5 of her children were holding hands around her bedside as the Priest blessed her and prayed with us for quite some time. There were tears and a quiet sense of peacefulness, knowing that we had made the best decision for her, even though each of us desperately wanted her to wake up and get better so we could take her home. We had also recently lost our Dad in December of 2007. They had loved each other and been married for 62 years when he had a heart attack just 5 days after their anniversary. A love like theirs is truly rare, so we knew it was time for them to be together again.

This past month I feel as though I have been numb and just going through the motions of life. Now with Mother's Day here, this week has been exceptionally hard. I have had trouble talking with anyone about it. A couple of my friends understand and my younger sister does, but there are times when I'm afraid that they may be tired of listening to my sadness and my stories. But my consolation is that my parents are together again - healthy, happy, looking out for all of us in a way they couldn't when they were here on earth.

Permalink Reply by brownladylove on May 9, 2009 at 9:01am

I lost my Mom on 9/26/2008,she died of cancer in the gall badder,small intestine and lung. She never smoked or had a drink. She didn't allow smoking around her. It's hard on me and my brothers and sisters. My older brother and next to the youngest sister. Won't visit the website that I dedicated in her memory. I was very close to my mom, we talked all hours on the day. I mean from 4 in the morning until late at night everyday. My job works me all hours of the day and night. My mom was the one that kept me going. I cry everyday for my mom. My boyfriend don't understand his mom is still here. And my mom isn't I have an empty place in my heart for my mom.I smelled her scarf and broke down and cried. My boyfriend she's in a better place and she wouldn't want me to cry and be depressed like I am. But he don't understand I losted someone very dear to my heart. The one person I could tell anything to, and get the best advice. I still don't understand why she's gone, my heart can't accept the lost and pain. Everyone she's in time it will get easlier. I can't she how that is possible, and now Mother's Day in approaching. Thanksgiving and Christmas was very hard. Me and my sister's messed up both dinners. How do we cope with the lost of our mother without feeling the pain and hurt of knowing that we can't see and talk to her again. The house is so cold and plain that we don't even go by there anymore. She was our mother and father we losted both when we losted her.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/ethelmcdaniel/homepage.aspx
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Permalink Reply by sue on May 9, 2009 at 10:02am

casp231 and brownladylove, my heart goes out to you. I lost my mom on 4/15/07 and that first mother's day was so tough, I just stayed home and I found out my siblings did the same thing. I don't expect this one to be much easier but she is so much a part of me as your mom is.
Losing your same sex parent is the worst according to all the books. The mother is the balance in a family. She will be missed forever but she is still with you. Remember her and know that she will be lovsue

Permalink Reply by casp231 on May 9, 2009 at 12:41pm

Brownladylove,

I sympathize with you because the pain for my mother's loss is still so new. I cannot say I truly understand your pain because each of us have a different relationship with our mothers and each of us grieve in a different way. I do know that when I feel the need to cry, I find a place where I can cry and I let it out. I have a wonderful counselor who is both a life coach and a spiritual counselor who tells me that God created us in such a way that the tears we cry when we are sad and hurting have a hormone in them that tears we cry because of cutting an onion do not. And these hormones are stress releasing hormones. So we do need to let the tears out. But also try to think of the wonderful memories you have of your mom, the happy times you had together that make you smile. I keep photos of her at work that show her spirit, photos of her being silly and laughing, cooking in the kitchen, with her grandkids, you know, the ones that bring out the love she had (and still has) for her family. Then I remind myself that although I can't physically hug her or hear her reply to me, I can still talk to her and she is still with me in my heart forever. I do still hurt, but this does seem to help me.


brownladylove said:

I lost my Mom on 9/26/2008,she died of cancer in the gall badder,small intestine and lung. She never smoked or had a drink. She didn't allow smoking around her. It's hard on me and my brothers and sisters. My older brother and next to the youngest sister. Won't visit the website that I dedicated in her memory. I was very close to my mom, we talked all hours on the day. I mean from 4 in the morning until late at night everyday. My job works me all hours of the day and night. My mom was the one that kept me going. I cry everyday for my mom. My boyfriend don't understand his mom is still here. And my mom isn't I have an empty place in my heart for my mom.I smelled her scarf and broke down and cried. My boyfriend she's in a better place and she wouldn't want me to cry and be depressed like I am. But he don't understand I losted someone very dear to my heart. The one person I could tell anything to, and get the best advice. I still don't understand why she's gone, my heart can't accept the lost and pain. Everyone she's in time it will get easlier. I can't she how that is possible, and now Mother's Day in approaching. Thanksgiving and Christmas was very hard. Me and my sister's messed up both dinners. How do we cope with the lost of our mother without feeling the pain and hurt of knowing that we can't see and talk to her again. The house is so cold and plain that we don't even go by there anymore. She was our mother and father we losted both when we losted her.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/ethelmcdaniel/homepage.aspx
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Permalink Reply by casp231 on May 9, 2009 at 12:55pm

Dear Sue,

Thank you for your kind words. You are in my thoughts and prayers this weekend as we both face Mother's Day without our beloved Mother's. My mom, as I am guessing yours was too, was as much a friend to me as she was a mother in my grown up life. I gave every Sunday to her and my Dad for almost 17 years, giving up the whole day of my weekend every weekend and I wouldn't trade that time I spent with them for anything. I shopped for them on Saturdays, took her to church and my Dad cooked Sunday Dinner, then we would sit and visit until sometimes 9 or 10pm before I would drive home. After my Dad passed, my mom had to be in an assisted living home, which was a beautiful, small homey type home where we could visit her whenever we wanted. She treasured our visits and even with the dementia she still kept he wonderful sense of humor. As I go into this weekend and face Mother's Day I'm going to do my best to keep her alive in my heart and remember her humor and joy and her love of God. I pray that this Mother's Day you will find special memories of your mom that will bring peace to your heart.

sue said:

casp231 and brownladylove, my heart goes out to you. I lost my mom on 4/15/07 and that first mother's day was so tough, I just stayed home and I found out my siblings did the same thing. I don't expect this one to be much easier but she is so much a part of me as your mom is.
Losing your same sex parent is the worst according to all the books. The mother is the balance in a family. She will be missed forever but she is still with you. Remember her and know that she will be lovsue

Permalink Reply by sue on May 11, 2009 at 9:53am

Thank you Casp, I did think of Mom often this week-end. She was a best friend after I was an adult and I treasure every memory of her. My niece got married on saturday evening and she was so beautiful. I could just see mom's smiling face and those dimples and could hear her say, "now,that is a beautiful bride". This young women is 25 and the last grandchild in our family. We all felt Mom's presence there and I know she wouldn't have missed that one. sue

Permalink Reply by Lisa on May 11, 2009 at 1:08pm

I'm so sorry for your loss and losses in the past. You are not alone. I lost my Dad on April 12th 2009(Easter Sunday). I still can't absourb that he is gone. I want so much to call him or visit him. Now I feel so guilty for not spending more time with him, when I had the chance. I go to sleep crying and I start the day with tears, though the last 2 days have been easier. 3 days ago + all I wanted to do is call my family from his side to cry with or just talk, but they all died also. Within 2 1/2 years I lost 9 family members. I'm 41 with no kids of my own and married. The one thing I have been doing is reading books on dealing with losing a loved one. I also pray for my father "everyday" and I pray for my strength, to take away the pain and I ask for blessings to come my way. I found this website and it helps me a bit. I realized the more I stay home (which I prefer to be) the more I cry. So I have been going out lately. You can alway talk with me. : ) Remember our time on earth is not forever. And think about it, if your parents are watching you, do you think they want you crying for them while you are here on earth? NO WAY. You make them proud of you. So you have great stories to share when you get to see them again.

Permalink Reply by casp231 on May 12, 2009 at 1:52am

Hi Lisa,

You are right about your parents not wanting you to be sad and crying all the time for them. They want us to enjoy life and live it fully in their honor. After my Mom's funeral, my siblings and I sat around and all agreed that my Mom would have been sitting in Heaven telling everyone there to look down at the service we had put together and her 5 children and she would be saying "Look, those are my children. I am so proud of them. Look at the beautiful service they put together for me and they did it all together!" And we imagined her and my Dad holding hands, sitting on a cloud, watching and smiling. What a wonderful way to remember them as we looked back on the funeral services. And then being able to reminisce about all the good times we had growing up seems to ease the pain somehow. It really does help to talk about it. My Mom used to always tell me that when things got too tough, to just look around me and I would find someone else who had it tougher. Well she was right. I always do. This Mother's day as I felt sorry for myself and then returned to work on Monday still feeling low. As I walked into work, I learned that a dear friend had passed away suddenly early in the morning on Mother's Day leaving a wife and young son behind. Now I feel the need to put my pain in a different perspective and reach out to help her to deal with her pain. Look around you and see who may need your help. You may be surprised who you find.




Lisa said:

I'm so sorry for your loss and losses in the past. You are not alone. I lost my Dad on April 12th 2009(Easter Sunday). I still can't absourb that he is gone. I want so much to call him or visit him. Now I feel so guilty for not spending more time with him, when I had the chance. I go to sleep crying and I start the day with tears, though the last 2 days have been easier. 3 days ago + all I wanted to do is call my family from his side to cry with or just talk, but they all died also. Within 2 1/2 years I lost 9 family members. I'm 41 with no kids of my own and married. The one thing I have been doing is reading books on dealing with losing a loved one. I also pray for my father "everyday" and I pray for my strength, to take away the pain and I ask for blessings to come my way. I found this website and it helps me a bit. I realized the more I stay home (which I prefer to be) the more I cry. So I have been going out lately. You can alway talk with me. : ) Remember our time on earth is not forever. And think about it, if your parents are watching you, do you think they want you crying for them while you are here on earth? NO WAY. You make them proud of you. So you have great stories to share when you get to see them again.

Permalink Reply by casp231 on May 12, 2009 at 2:07am

Hi Sue,

I'm sure your Mom was there with you, smiling and enjoying watching the wedding. I have no doubt that our loved ones keep a close eye on us especially during important life events like this. Sometimes we feel their closeness and sometimes we dream of them, but they are always there for us. I've heard it said that when we attend the funerals of loved ones and leave the cemetery our loved ones are usually riding with us in the vehicle back home. They aren't hanging out at the cemetery, which makes perfect sense to me. Who wants to hang out at a cemetery anyhow? I purchased my house brand new and have been the only one who has ever lived in it and there are times when I will walk from one room to another and get a soft, quick smell of a cologne similar to one my Dad used to wear. Its there and gone in an instant, but I know I smelled it. I never know what to think except to say Dad, I love you and I miss you, but somehow it brings me comfort. Some may think that's weird, but I don't.

sue said:

Thank you Casp, I did think of Mom often this week-end. She was a best friend after I was an adult and I treasure every memory of her. My niece got married on saturday evening and she was so beautiful. I could just see mom's smiling face and those dimples and could hear her say, "now,that is a beautiful bride". This young women is 25 and the last grandchild in our family. We all felt Mom's presence there and I know she wouldn't have missed that one. sue

Permalink Reply by sue on May 17, 2009 at 12:13pm

I don't think it is wierd. I think it is a blessing to have any rememberance of them that brings you joy if even for a second. Suep

Permalink Reply by casp231 on May 19, 2009 at 11:04am

Thank you Sue,

I do treasure any remembrances I get of my mom and dad. I recently realized that most of my friends expect me to be "alright" because the funeral is over. As if the burial of the loved one also buries the pain. I know this is because they themselves have not experienced what I'm going through or they found a way to shove their feelings and emotions so far to the back of their brain that they are buried also. I'm not saying I want to keep mine out there in the open forever, but I'm saying they don't just stop when you walk away from the cemetery. It still takes time to deal with the grief and I would like my friends to understand that and support me through it.

sue said:

I don't think it is wierd. I think it is a blessing to have any rememberance of them that brings you joy if even for a second. Suep

Permalink Reply by sue on May 19, 2009 at 2:22pm

The truth is they don't understand. They can't unless they have had the same expereince, I know I didn't.
Mom, so much a part of who we are and for me I felt like my life string had been cut for a while. I had the thought that we come into this world attached to our mom and when she passes something of us passes with her. I then lost my Tom only a few months later. I like to think they are together. They were good buds and that brings me joy to think they are having a good talk and maybe even about me and I hope they are proud of me. suep

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