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Do normal people and I like to think i am normal still cry everyday after losing a parent after 17 years?
Chardonnay, I hate the word normal but my niece was doing that after her mom had been gone for years and when I realized it I encouraged her to seek therepy. She thanked me more than once because it seems in her case she was blaming herself. My sis, her mom was killed by her ex husband and my sis was only staying in the town until this niece graduated and so she blamed herself, There were other things also that she had told her mom about the step father and so she was blaming herself for her mom's death and the fight they had prior.
I am not saying this is your case but maybe they could help you to remember mom with joy and not the sadness that apparently still remains. suep
Hi Chardonnay, What is "normal" anyway? Pick any book off of the self help book shelf in any book store or library and the answers are as varied as if you were to ask individuals you met on the street and asked them the question "what is normal?" Normal is what is normal to you and to you alone. Just as grief is different to each and every one of us. None of us can tell you what you should or should not be feeling as you go through the grieving process. All we can do is tell you what has worked for us and hope that some of those things will also help you. I do know it is best to try very hard keep your faith strong, believing that God knows what is best for all of us and will be there for us if we just open our hearts and our arms to Him. Look around you each day and try to find someone you can help or bring joy to in their life and as you begin to find joy in helping others, you will find the joy that your loved one wanted for you to find on this earth. I wish you all the peace in your heart. Reach out each day and touch some one less fortunate than yourself and just see what joy it will bring back to you. May God Bless and Keep you.

chardonnay said:
Do normal people and I like to think i am normal still cry everyday after losing a parent after 17 years?
Hi Sue,
I agree with you that the word "normal" is highly overrated. I really don't think anyone is truly normal. We all have our idiosyncrasies, which is what makes all of us so special. It is sad though when guilt enters into the picture and bless you for suggesting counseling. With a good counselor, your niece could finally understand what she was doing and why she was placing the guilt on herself needlessly. This was a gift no one else could have given her. After the tragic death of my sister-in-law and six months later the death of my father, followed by having to place my mother in an assisted living home I chose to seek out a counselor and it has been the best thing I have done for myself in years. Thankfully I found a psychologist who is also a life coach and a spiritual Christian man so he is able to talk with me on every level that I may need at the time I go into his office. Since I began seeing him I have also gone through extreme amounts of stress at work and the sudden loss of my mother, then just a month later the sudden loss of a good friend. He is able to point out my strengths (even when I don't think I have any left) and help me work on my weaknesses. He assigns "homework" to help me step outside of my comfort zone to see what it feels like and then talk about it. And then we pray about my goals, my challenges, and what I want to accomplish in my life. If you have never worked with a Christian life coach, psychologist, I highly recommend it to any and all who are faced with the challenges we are. It has been especially helpful to me in dealing with the grieving processes I find myself going through.

sue said:
Chardonnay, I hate the word normal but my niece was doing that after her mom had been gone for years and when I realized it I encouraged her to seek therepy. She thanked me more than once because it seems in her case she was blaming herself. My sis, her mom was killed by her ex husband and my sis was only staying in the town until this niece graduated and so she blamed herself, There were other things also that she had told her mom about the step father and so she was blaming herself for her mom's death and the fight they had prior.
I am not saying this is your case but maybe they could help you to remember mom with joy and not the sadness that apparently still remains. suep
Hi Amanda,
I am so saddened to hear of the loss of your daddy. I lost my wonderful dad in December 2007. He was my Hero. He was 88 years old and would have turned 89 just one month later. I have 4 brothers and sisters and we knew his health was failing and had talked about it around Thanksgiving of that year. My parents wedding anniversary was Dec 12th and we all wondered if Dad would hold on for his anniversary or his birthday. As it turned out he held on for his anniversary. He died of a heart attack just 5 days after their 62nd wedding anniversary. My parents had one of those wonderful love affairs that lasted from the day they met until the day they died. It was beautiful. After his death, my mom was like a wilted flower that began to die no matter what we did or how much we loved her. She had dementia by the time he died and could not take care of herself, so we were forced to move her into an assisted living home in her small hometown. It was a very homey place, with just 8 residents and wonderful care. We were able to visit whenever we chose and take her out to church or lunch or shopping, without any advance notice. She loved the outings, but constantly talked about my dad and when she would remember that he was "gone" she relived the pain all over again. She loved seeing her two sons and grandsons, but she had a very special bond with me and my younger sister. I think because in high school and in our young adult age we developed a true friendship with my mom that went beyond a mother daughter relationship to a true friendship. Maybe this is what your mom feels with you. It sounds like you are all still grieving and she is reaching out to you because she no longer has your dad. I don't what the distance is between your homes, but maybe trying to include her in more of your family dinners, shopping at the malls, outings of some kind where she can develop a bond with your children and still have you there to talk with would help all of you. I don't know, It's just a thought.

Amanda said:
Hello! I am new to this website. I lost my father in March of this year, suddenly. I am 29 years old, and have a 2 year old son. My daddy was a wonderful man and I am a daddy's little girl and have been all my life. I am so blessed that we had such a good relationship. And even though his death was sudden, I know he knows how I felt about him, because we expressed it often. I miss him terribly and am finding it hard to move on. I came across this website searching for support on how to help my mother. She is struggling as we all are after the loss of her husband. I find myself stretched thin by all my responsibilities as a parent and trying to take care of my mother, and dealing with my own grief. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way. We talk on the phone daily and she likes for me to stay with her when ever possible. We also go out for supper probably weekly, leaving my husband home to care for my son. I find myself frustrated because I feel as though my mother would rather be my friend then a grandma to her grandson. And I am sad that my son is missing out on that bond.
Somedays I will be having a good day, and she will call crying and upset and I feel as though it just knocks the wind out of me. And when I am having a bad day I feel as though I can't go to her as a parent anymore. I have two brothers but she doesn't expect the same type of emotional support from them, and she is there for them in ways she is no longer there for me. I know I need to grow up, but it is hard to handle and wanted to reach out to see if anyone else has a similiar situation. Thanks for reading Amanda
Dear Kathy,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot even imagine what your grief must be like. To lose both of your parents so close together. My heart cries out for you.

I have had 5 deaths of close friends and family members in the past 25 months. One was my younger brother's wife of 27 years, then six month's later my dad, then 15 months later my mom and one month later a very dear friend. Let me tell you, I am still reeling and holding my breath afraid that I will get news of yet another. I made it through the first Father's day by just staying home alone and turning into a couch potato and I made it through Mother's Day not too gracefully, but basically by staying home until late in the afternoon when my sister insisted I join her family for dinner. I'm not sure either of my parents would have wanted to see me spend my days like that. I have 4 brothers and sisters and as you might imagine. making the funeral arrangements could have been a nightmare with 5 opinions with each decision, but when we found that our ideas differed, we all looked at each other and said "what would Mom/Dad want" and that settled the decision. Because then we each knew what our parents would have wanted and we took our own choice out of the equation. So I guess what I'm trying to say is as you and I and so many others come upon special holidays, we need to ask ourselves, "what would our loved ones want" and make the choice that way. I know they would want us to be happy and not mourn because they love us and know they will see us again. So keep your parents in a special place in your heart, never forget them, but remember them with happiness and joy.

Kathy Ledford said:
I lost both my mom and dad 43 days apart last year. This will be the first mother's day and father's day without them. I am already dreading the day getting here. I still cry almost everyday from this heart wrenching loss. I wanted to share so much more with them and now I can't. I only can hope that I will be with them again for eternity. I miss them so much , it makes my heart actually ache from wanting to talk to them or hug them again and tell them how much they meant to me and how much I love them. I don't know if the feeling of loss ever goes away and there is always reminders of them everywhere I turn. I just hurt so bad inside that sometimes I can't think of anything else. God bless everyone who has gone through this kind of loss. I pray for you all everyday. Kathy
Casp 231, you have so much wisdom. Do you remember Helen Reddy's, song, "yes, I am wise, but it's wisdom for the pain"? Yes I paid the price, but look how much I've gained, if I have to, I can do anything. I always loved that song because I felt it was my life.
My folks were married 55 years when my dad died and mom lived a full life until age 88 and she passed so sweetly in her sleep. I lost my husband 5/22/08 and just 10 months after mom. I lost my sis almost 20 years ago but still miss her at times. I too am very close to the lord and have christian counciling but years ago I went to a psychologist and she too taught me so many things. It was the best money I ever spent in my life. I still keep a journal off and on and to read those old ones and remember that women and to know who I am now just blesses me so much. I recommend it to anyone.
I laughed when you said 5 opinions making Mom's arrangements. I have 8 living brothers and sisters and I so know what you mean. We did okay except for the one sis that is a control freak etc. Anyway, my mom was also 88 and would have been 89 in Sept and she passed 4/15/07. I like to think she and Tom are fishing together. I can just hear him say, "mom, when was the last time you went fishing?" She would say, "I was about 10 and he would say, let's go Mom". He loved my mom so much and she him. I know she was surprised when he arrived so shortly after she did and she must have been very close to me in those early days knowing how much I hurt. She was so wise!!! Thanks for sharing suep
What can i say? I have 3 kids with out them i would have probley have gave up. Maby just not pushed as hard as i have had to sence My dad passed away july 22nd 08 They keep me going and i think God for them Everyday. I still can't believe my dad is gone And won't be here to see me turn 30 to crack a joke, There are days i feel i'm looseing it But some how i get back on track.. Theres nothing normal in my life anymore we are just ajusting and it sucks. I was so close to my dad as my kids were too .... He is all i think about and seem to talk about.. I don't question God why? I just miss him so much and still need him .. He was that Rock that kept us all together and plained all the fun things him and mom were such a team. I wish i could go back and have done so much different and have married ... all the things i think about now are to late and it sucks so bad.. No man could walk me down the aisle and give me away like Dad No One I messed that up.. If Dad were here and could have seen me get it right he would have been so proud i know it... But all the what if's could've been wish this and that are all to late so It is what It is Now and It all Just Really sucks... I have been such a mess if my Dad could see me he would be sad.. I am mad at myself But it's just hard and all i can do is my best from here somedays i think it's going to be okay then others hit and i just can't begin to explain the pain.. people say it gets better i don't see that ... Dad i miss you so much God you and Dad look out for me and the kids now we are so lost with out him....
I once asked a friend ,who works with people with terminal illnesses, " When does it stop feeling like yesterday ?" Her reply was " It's all in the way you handle your loss" I wound up talking to my Dr. about it when my Dad passed because he passed due to Dr. error ! All I can say is hang in there & don't be afraid to talk to someone you trust & won't judge you ! Clergy, support group, Dr. even ask you Dr. to recommend a Counsellor. I see mine once a month, he's awesome! Good luck :)
Melinda said:
Julianne, I am so sorry for your losses. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. I so understand your feelings. Know that i am here to chat with you anytime. Everyone's story is different, but it seems that the end result is all the same. Looking for some comfort and peace within our selves.

My family tragity started a little over a year ago. My nephew of 19 was killed within a block of his home on the way to a class in college when a drunk driver ran a stop sign, hit and killed him in April of 2007. He was a promising kid with a great future ahead of him. He had great stride for the future. 12 days later my father-in-law whom i was very close to (May 2007) unexpectedly died. Everyone has that fear of in-laws, but i can say i had the best father-in-law. My father whom i adored and cherished, died a month later in June 2007. My father was my hero, someone i looked up to and called several times a day. He was my best friend. I not only lost my father, but my best friend a person could every have. In August of 2007, my father-in-laws brother, died unexpectedly on a cruise. On Friday, I was told that my cousin died of lung cancer. It just seems to keep going.

The feeling of holding your breath, gasping for the next breath. There is no one to talk to, but you know that everyone feels the same way. Holidays we sat and looked at each other, knowing that we all did not know what to say and if we said something we always think twice so we do not hurt anyones feelings. I can honistly say it is coming up on a year since my own fathers death and it hurts the same as if i lost him today. I am still stuck in the same place i was a year ago. I just am able to hide my feelings better, so i do no upset my two children who are 8 & 10. My mom is in the same boat as me. And i thank god everyday for my mom. She is my world, as my father was.

I am sorry to go on and on.
God Bless.
Yup, me too, it will be 16 yrs. for my Dad on Oct. 12th ! I miss him every day of my life ...

chardonnay said:
Do normal people and I like to think i am normal still cry everyday after losing a parent after 17 years?
HI Stacey - I really do feel for you because I thought I was the only one who felt the way you do... I feel exactly the same way & my Dad is gone 16 yrs. this Oct. 12th. If you'd like to e-mail me & vent it's okay with me. My e-mail address is
captskid93@live.ca My Dad was a Capt. on the Fire Dept. Take care Stacey & please try to take it a day at a time or an hour at a time ! I wound up at a counsellor & am on Cymbalta... It helps me, maybe it could help you too...
Hugs,
Sandy

Stacey said:
Hi everyone, I am new to this site and am so sorry to read of your losses. Honestly I feel a little guilty posting now as your losses are so recent and I lost my dad almost a year ago. Unfortunately, I feel as though it could have been yesterday. My dad was Mr. fixit, taught me how to do so many things that I wouldn't have to rely on a man. Well being divorced for about 5 years, that's been fine; except I did rely on a man, dad. God, I can't stand how much it hurts. On his birthday my sister made me go out with her, I got completely drunk and fell down some stairs fracturing my pelvis, and dislocating 2 discs, and you know what that's OK, the physical pain and the drugs helped me through his birthday. Now we are coming up on the anniversary of his death. He went to hospital 12-21-07 for an angiogram, I talked to him the morning of test and assured him I'd be there, I wasn't. Missed him by about 5 minutes, however the urgency wasn't high, it was just a test. This is a 66 year old man who had 3 vessel bypass over 20 years ago, survived lung cancer and partial lobectomy, chemo and radiation 15 years ago and as recently as 1-07 was diagnosed with appendicitis. However the surgeon refused to remove his appendix, she said his heart was not strong enough to sustain him through surgery. The hospital treated him with IV antibiotics for about 3 weeks, he was finally released but had a PICC line and had to infuse antibiotics at home for about 3 more weeks. He was able to accomplish this while going into work every day by 5 AM to be home at 2pm for infusion. He owned a construction business, no sitting at a desk. He recovered per usual against all odds. He finally got medicare and new cardiologist and complained of increasing shortness of breath. He was not well educated, certainly not medically and did not inform cardiologist just how bad his situation was. Due to radiation treatments for lung cancer, much of his heart muscle was also radiated and died. With appendicitis in beginning of 2007 his ejection fraction was about 20. His heart was working at 20 percent, no wonder he didn't feel great. Cardiologist says hey we can go in check things out maybe do some angioplasty, whip, bam, boom {as he would say}. Dad had cardiac arrest after the first stent. My brother was in waiting room when code blue called. My sister and I were outside. They told us that it was indeed his code blue but he had been resuscitated and was drugged for heart rest and ventilated as well. They took him to CCU where he remained 17 days. He would be in and out of consciousness, usually due to drugs as he was a pain for the nurses. He was unable to talk because of tube, and I guess he may have gone a while without oxygen because all he could do was scribble. He seemed to understand everything and communicated with his eyes, facial expression, or if all else failed he'd kick you. His scribbling was just up and down, and he'd be so upset that what was so plainly obvious to him was not being understood by us. I thought the first letter was an M, but nothing more. I made up some flash cards for him, seemed to work a bit, but still there was something important he needed to tell us. Suddenly the hospital told us there was nothing more they could do for him he needed to go to rehab to work on breathing on his own. They transferred him Monday January 7, 2008 about 8 pm, my sister and I followed the ambulance and I can still see him in that gurney looking so confused. We got to rehab and explained to him that this was improvement he was getting better. We left about 9pm. The next day at 12:52 he was dead. We don't know what happened, the rehab facility was very confused since he was there such a short time. In fact, the rehab requires a DNR {do not resuscitate} on all patients but because a Dr. hadn't even seen him yet, they did try to resuscitate. My brother and sister and I had already resigned ourselves to allow him to go in peace rather endure the painful resuscitation procedures. Dads luck, they still tried to no avail. None of us were there we arrived minutes after, he was alone. We decided on cremation and it seemed off he went. Then my brother made short work of disposing of his possessions at his house. "Whatever you don't take gets thrown away or goodwill" I ended up taking as much as my car could hold and then some, which is double edged because now when i walk in my house half his furniture is here. Going through his garage my brother found an 'empty' coffee can, ready to toss into trash like most of his stuff, but for some reason he opened the can. It contained 20,000.00, i figured he may have being trying to write "money". We also found about 2,000.00 more in his kitchen in a drawer in 3 stacks. One for each of us, I guess. We took dad home to Nebraska to be buried. My son had some sort of flu and vomited the entire flight. The next day he was fine and we visited relatives. The following day was dads memorial. We all got ready, my son ironed our clothes, we were all dressed and then it hit me, i started vomiting etc. and climbed into bed there was no way I was getting out of there. My son tried to call my brother or sister to pick him and his sister up but no answer. So they stayed trapped in hotel with sick as dog mom. I guess we weren't missed; I ended up calling my mother about 11pm because I was afraid that I needed to go to hospital. Thank goodness I got better because she didn't call back until the next evening. The next day I felt much better and my aunt graciously took us to dads final resting place. My children left their trinkets, we said our goodbyes and we left. Our flight was the next day which of course started my daughters turn at the flu. We finally made it home, but nothing is remotely close to being the same. My sister and I had been very close, now its as if I am too painful to see or talk to. My brother, well I guess feels the same, or maybe they hate me for not going to memorial. Nobody ever asked why I wasn't there. I don't know if mom told them because I've talked to her once since memorial. Well I guess that relationship remained the same. I don't have friends, I work and go home to my kids. Now, I really have no resemblance of family {adult} or anyone to talk to. I started therapy, then my son started smoking pot so I sent him instead. I've tried books and tattoos but nothing seems to even start to fill this HUGE emptiness I feel. Now, going through holidays again without him, but now permanent, or anyone else in my family I think I may feel worse. I know that no one could have possibly read this entire thing, and I'm not sure if it helped or hurt as I sit here balling. But I did finally tell my story of how I feel, and how I don't ever think I'll feel right again. My dad was the man in my life, the glue in a seriously dysfunctional family, my hero, my role model, my everything.
Report this dr. to the College of Physicians & Surgeons !!! He will have to explain his actions. I know it won't bring your Dad back but it might stop him from doing this to another family !!!

Gina said:
On what seemed to be such a normal day July 6, 2005. I went into work for a training, at the time I had just been hired at a Hospital. On our lunch break an RN in the elevator looked at me and asked if "I was Mike R's daughter" I said yes, and asked why. She replied with "Oh he's in the ER" I thought to myself, you've got to be kidding me, he had just been discharged the prior Saturday! She said that I had nothing to worry about, because he was only in to receive fluids, (he had a stomach bug which he caught from me the day before) So I thought nothing of it, and went on to eat my lunch, and figured I'd go bust his beans when I was done....I went into the ER and saw that my Father was on a Ventilator. Now I'm only a CNA, but it's common sense that when you're being re hydrated, there is NO NEED to be on a vent. I asked my Mom and my Nana what had happened. They simple said that he was fine one minuted, and on his way back from CT he crashed. Long story short, he had a Cerebral Hemorrhage. We decided as a family, since NOTHING worked, that enough was enough. At 6:50pm we had him removed from the Vent, at 7:23pm my Father took his last breath. He was 12 days short of his 47th Birthday. What kills me the most is that, my Father who had SURVIVED THREE Open Heart Surgeries all within 10 years. (Two Mechanical Valve Replacements, and a Pig Valve) He had numerous other ailments, but his head? There was nothing wrong! Until 6 weeks before he passed away he started complaining about really bad headaches, so bad that at night all the lights in the house had to be off, and he even wore his sunglasses!! He told his Doctor WHO DID NOTHING! He asked another Doctor of his to run a MRI, but the images did not come out clear, BUT his Primary said they were NEGATIVE! Trust me, as I said, I'm not a Doctor, but I know what a "clean MRI" verses a "BAD MRI" is! Nothing could be read off of it, but yet his doctor said it was fine! He basically killed my father...I now, because of this Doctor, will not have my Father at my Wedding some day to walk me down the aisle, nor will be play with my Children, he will miss out on all the important things that a woman goes through as she grows up. My brother was able to share all of that with my Father, and I won't be able to! I'm so torn up about the situation, but feel as though I can't talk to my Mother about it, for fear that it will only cause her more pain. She is so torn up about this as well. If it were a heartattack, we would at least be a little more "excepting" I guess, but the way he died...a Cerebral Hemorage?! Has killed all of us....

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