Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Vicki on January 18, 2010 at 4:53pm

Nancy I know how you feel . I felt the same way when my parents died . Your feelings are normal , you will experience many feelings ie loss, anger abandonment, insomina ,anxeity , depression ,fear the list goes on. Cry get it out . I was never able to really cry , don't know why but I just could never let it come. I think that would really have helped me . You are not alone , but you feel like it . You will go through so many feelings , but you will learn to adjust someday . It's so hard getting there , I know . Are you alone or do you have family ? are there any support groups in your area ? you may not be ready for those yet, but give it a try . maybe grief counseling would help . I did that for about a year or so & it helped me a lot . Best wishes on this journey take care , you WILL be OK it just takes time & work . Vicki

Permalink Reply by Vicki on January 18, 2010 at 4:55pm

Vicki said:

Nancy I know how you feel . I felt the same way when my parents died . Your feelings are normal , you will experience many feelings ie loss, anger abandonment, insomina ,anxeity , depression ,fear the list goes on. Cry get it out . I was never able to really cry , don't know why but I just could never let it come. I think that would really have helped me . You are not alone , but you feel like it . You will go through so many feelings , but you will learn to adjust someday . It's so hard getting there , I know . Are you alone or do you have family ? are there any support groups in your area ? you may not be ready for those yet, but give it a try . maybe grief counseling would help . I did that for about a year or so & it helped me a lot . Best wishes on this journey take care , you WILL be OK it just takes time & work . read what I wrote on OCT 23 2009 Vicki

Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 19, 2010 at 11:16pm

my mom passed away november 4, 2009 to breast cancer. she was diagnosed in 2007 and became a survivor a year later. She wasnt ever afraid and was always positive. she drove her self to chemo and radiation at 6am five days a week just so she could make it to work by 9. Even if she didnt feel well she still went. she went to shands for her insurance (they go by your income) and because she made four dollars to much they took it from her. she couldnt go for her check ups. september 21, 2009 she went to the E.R. she couldnt eat anything or even keep water down. they said she had a swollen liver, gave her pain killers and sent her home. after that she couldnt go to work, she was in pain, could barely walk, didnt eat anything except for the boost shakes. on october 29 she fell walking through the house and we called 911. they took her to the hospital. she had a ct scan and the cancer came back spreading to her brain, liver, lungs and spine. the next four days she spent in a hospice until she passed. she was only 46. she was the only family my sister,nieces, and i had. Im 23 and never thought that i would lose my mom so young. i called her every day. im miss her so much and the pain never does go away. im so upset and it kills me that she'll never see me get married or get to see her grandchildren.

Permalink Reply by melissa Jackson altmyer on January 22, 2010 at 1:02am

Melissa,
Hi there. My name is also Melissa. I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been very difficult having to watch your mother suffer and be in pain. I lost my father last year on Christmas eve. He was 56 years old and The Ct. police found him on Ocean Beach. Autopsy ruled out foul play, heart attack, stroke etc. I am left with no answer as to how my father died. I may never know. I am young like you. I feel as though we can really relate. Before he passed, I had a baby girl. He was planning to come see her, and now he will never have a chance to meet her in this life. It tears me up inside. You mentioned how sad it will be for your mom to never see her grandchildren. I do feel your pain! I wish I could give you a hug. Please know that they are watching over us. I really feel that they will have even better relationships with our children because they can be with them and see them all the time from the other side. I like to think my dad is my daughter's gaurdian angel! She seems to know who he is even though she has never met him. She smiles and laughs when she sees him on video even though she is only 1 1/2. What is helping me through is the supprt of good friends, and a great grief counselor. Our lives will never be the same. I feel though that our parents would want us to be happy as hard as it may be. I will keep you in my prayers. Please contact me. I would like to keep in touch. It sounds like we have so much in common with our losses. God bless you:) Melissa

Permalink Reply by Vicki on May 6, 2010 at 6:08am

ELENA FOGLE said:

I lost my mother may 1 2008 and this has to be the most tramatic thing I have ever felt .she was 57 years old and was suffering from fibromyalgia and severe depression after the loss of my dad in late April of 2007 she died the day of my dads funeral a year later my younger brother found her on the floor she had been dead for 7 hours well after we talked on the phone in the morning I would have never in a million years believe that would be my last conversation with her it took such a huge toll on me I myself ended up in the hospital for 2weeks with what they thought was cancer I am 36 years old and at times I feel like a child I miss her do much that it hurts the sleepless nights,mood swings ,the frustration I feel drives me insane I just want to scream sometimes the hardest thing is we spent every single day together if not we were on the phone all day to not be able to talk to her is driving me insane I wish this pain would get easier but I feel it getting worse like I've lost myself

Permalink Reply by Vicki on May 6, 2010 at 6:19am

Elena : the road to recovery is a long journey . read my reply to Nancy 1/18/2010 maybe this will help . I know you are scared & angry , I've been there . I still get upset over the hoildays & anniversaries etc... but after about the 4th year they seem to get a little less sad & you learn to adjust (it's not easy) I've done my share of grief counseling , it was helpful & I just talk about them to others . as you I had just spoke to my Mom the day before her stroke , no warning . then my dad just died & 11mos later mom as well . I often feel like an abandoned child . it's been 9-10 years & I can now look at their pictures withot feeling sad but with joy . right now you need to take care of you , you have been through a trauma , just like a military vet . it's not all in your head it's real . I wish I could speak with you . you will be OK however right now it dosen't feel that way . god bless you I will keep you in my prayers . Please take care of you Vicki

Permalink Reply by Lauren on May 10, 2010 at 12:34am

You see it all began in September of 2008. My mother and father had been arguing about me and like always my father was sticking up for me. Well then next thing we know its midnight my mom is walking out the door with her bags packed. This isn’t the first time this happened so we figured she would be back in a couple a days. Well a couple of days turned to weeks and weeks turned into a month. She calls me and explains she got an apartment. After 30 years of marriage my mother just got up and walked away. And the last thing I remember is they were fighting about me. For the next year straight I was the one taking care of my father if he was hungry I cooked for him. If he needed to go to the store I went for him. If he needed someone at 2am to talk to he woke me up. Yes, at times it drove me crazy but he was my father. Who knows was at a mental level of a 2 year old.

A year goes by and her lease is almost up. She has finally decided she wants a divorce for she and she also wants the house back. My father who for the past year has been crying every night for her agrees because he still loved her so much he would do whatever she asked of him. So we have to be moved out by the end of September and have found a new house. So we search and finally find a house and move in at the beginning of October. My father finally looked the happiest I had seen him in over a year since he slowly slipped into depression and drove himself crazy from my mother leaving. But by the end of October he was back to crying all night and not sleeping.

I’m just turned 21 at the end of October and have no idea what to do to help him. I tried so much to do what I could for him. But slowing he was driving me crazy. I’m his daughter not his wife or his keeper. I started hating him for not taking care of himself and always needing me. It was the first week in November when I found it, I found 13 empty liter bottles of vodka hidden in a cabinet in the garage and 1 half way empty. I was even more over whelmed and didn’t know what to do. I ask my mother for help who shrugs me off and says its not her problem anymore, that she has suspected him of drinking for years which makes since now that I think back. I was 16 and I remember seeing him pour vodka into a water bottle get into his car and drive to work. I told my mother and she confronted him he denied it and made me feel like I was crazy. I asked my brother for help and all he said was he wasn’t going to see his father while he was drinking and acting crazy. So I finally go to his mother for help. She confronts him but he once again denies.

Everyone just blocks it from there minds and goes on with life while I still have this burden on what to do. Thanksgiving goes by and my brother doesn’t even come over to see him. He just seems likes he is getting more and depressed by the day and I don’t know what to do. Anyone who knows my father knows he hates doctors and hospitals and he wouldn’t agree to go. So I sit there for the next month and watching my father slip slowly out of the real world into the world in his head. I’m the one that had to sit there and listen to him cry all day and night. And have him screaming my name waking me up at night because he was hungry at 2am and he wanted me to cook him some scrambled eggs.

Then the day finally came the day that will replay in my head day and night over and over again. It was 6am and he is sitting in his chair in the living room. The living room, that hadn't even been put all the way together yet because we had just moved in 2 months before. I looked at him and I told him couldn't sleep. He replied, " I haven't been able to sleep yet either."

"Well I'm going to trying to go lay down dad because I have to be at work at 10:30." I go to my room and drift off to sleep, its 9am just 3 hours later and I’m awaken by a banging at the door and ringing of the door bell. I wake up and get dressed quickly and run to the door it’s my neighbor. She said, "It's your father, he is passed out on the ground."

I ran to him, I should have known when I touched his face that it was too late but I didn't. It was cold and raining and he was so cold. I remember the next few hours in pieces. I remember going and getting a blanket and covering him up to keep him warm. Then the EMS showing up and me calling everyone saying he had fallen again and he was passed out and not waking up. I'm sitting in the corner of the garage watching them trying to revive him and not knowing that's what they where doing. I was on the phone with my brother when they told me.

She came up to me and I said, "Can you take him to Richland, that's where my mom said to take him."

She responded, "Ma'am we aren't going to be taking him anywhere."

I look at her in disbelief, " What do you mean?"

She looked at me and I knew, "He has passed, we won't be taking him the corner will be coming."

All I remember is screaming and screaming and my brother was still on the phone with me. He knew by the screams, we hit the ground at the same time.

I called my mom.... and the nightmare became true from then on out.... my father my best friend had passed away at the age of 51 from heart break on Dec 14, 2009.

Permalink Reply by Crystal on May 14, 2010 at 11:23am

On March 3, 2010 I lost my mother in an automobile accident. Momma was driving home from work when someone from out of state jumped the grassy median separating both Eastbound and Westbound lanes of I-10. We'd just hung up the phone 7 minutes before and her last words to me were, "I'm tired I'm going home. I love you." ...She made an eyewitness call me and inform me of the accident but I was so freaked out, my initial concern was getting to her as soon as possible. While speeding to her I tried calling her cell but there was no answer, so I called the witness back. He said he was still with her and she was conscious. I told him I was on my way - 5 minutes away - but I'd be there soon. Can you imagine, I never thought to ask him to tell her "I love you" or even talk to her. The next day the witness called to check on Mom and I let him know that she went into cardiac arrest while being transported to the hosital. Still upset not having said "I love you" one last time, he did tell me that I should find comfort in knowing that he had me on speaker phone and so she heard I was on my way to her...at the scene we weren't allowed to see her. Instead we were told to wait at a nearby gas station where a first responder/family friend on the scene would come give us news. By the time he showed up we'd already heard there was a fatality as this was a major accident and was plastered all over the media. When Mr. Thevis arrived he told us that it wasn't her and that she was ok despite having an open compound fracture on an ankle that needed surgery. I asked about the possibility of internal bleeding and he said she didn't present with symptoms. He advised us to take our time going to the hospital so we did. To make a long story short, she was diverted to the nearest hospital while we were told she was being taken elsewhere. We were too late...I'll never forget walking into the ER and having some lady grab both my hands as she led me to a chair...sobbing and screaming "no!" Two months later and I still can't wrap my mind around it all. It just doesn't seem real, it feels like a movie. I'm tormented with regrets, memories of vicious words once spoken, what-ifs, and the agony of wondering if she was scared  - she was a nurse so did she know the full extent of the situation? Add to this the fact that I'm a single 28 year old who's now raising my 10 year old sister. Her father lives here but does ABSOLUTELY nothing for her except for help with the bills - and even then - our electricity was momentarily cut yesterday for nonpayment. Two weeks after the accident (on my grandmother's anniversary of death) I lost my job because I couldn't handle all of the loss & depression. Oct. 25, 2008 I lost a life-long best friend, Kathie, in a car accident, Dec. 26, 2009 we lost her boyfriend who was driving the car when Kathie died. On Jan. 3, 2010 I lost an uncle, Jan. 25 my other life- long best friend, Petra, in a car accident, and then my Mom on Mar. 3, 2010 in a car accident.  These are just the recent major losses. I'm so lost right now. My brother and sister need me but how can I be strong for them when I feel like I'm losing it? I'm sorry for rambling on I doubt anyone will take the time to read this but I guess I don't have anyone to confide in anymore so I thought I'd pour it out here. Please just pray for us. On top of everything else we're afraid my step-father will run with my little sister because his family has rent home where they're from. She's made it clear she wants to be here with me and our maternal family since theyre basically all she knows, but I'm still trying to find work so if he pushes the issue what can I do? Her professional counseling team say she needs to be with me, yet I have multiple degrees and I can't find a job...please just keep us in your prayers. If anyone can relate and wishes to contact me, my email is crystal_durio@yahoo.com .

Permalink Reply by jane2hugh@aol.com on May 14, 2010 at 3:45pm

Crystal said:

On March 3, 2010 I lost my mother in an automobile accident. Momma was driving home from work when someone from out of state jumped the grassy median separating both Eastbound and Westbound lanes of I-10. We'd just hung up the phone 7 minutes before and her last words to me were, "I'm tired I'm going home. I love you." ...She made an eyewitness call me and inform me of the accident but I was so freaked out, my initial concern was getting to her as soon as possible. While speeding to her I tried calling her cell but there was no answer, so I called the witness back. He said he was still with her and she was conscious. I told him I was on my way - 5 minutes away - but I'd be there soon. Can you imagine, I never thought to ask him to tell her "I love you" or even talk to her. The next day the witness called to check on Mom and I let him know that she went into cardiac arrest while being transported to the hosital. Still upset not having said "I love you" one last time, he did tell me that I should find comfort in knowing that he had me on speaker phone and so she heard I was on my way to her...at the scene we weren't allowed to see her. Instead we were told to wait at a nearby gas station where a first responder/family friend on the scene would come give us news. By the time he showed up we'd already heard there was a fatality as this was a major accident and was plastered all over the media. When Mr. Thevis arrived he told us that it wasn't her and that she was ok despite having an open compound fracture on an ankle that needed surgery. I asked about the possibility of internal bleeding and he said she didn't present with symptoms. He advised us to take our time going to the hospital so we did. To make a long story short, she was diverted to the nearest hospital while we were told she was being taken elsewhere. We were too late...I'll never forget walking into the ER and having some lady grab both my hands as she led me to a chair...sobbing and screaming "no!" Two months later and I still can't wrap my mind around it all. It just doesn't seem real, it feels like a movie. I'm tormented with regrets, memories of vicious words once spoken, what-ifs, and the agony of wondering if she was scared  - she was a nurse so did she know the full extent of the situation? Add to this the fact that I'm a single 28 year old who's now raising my 10 year old sister. Her father lives here but does ABSOLUTELY nothing for her except for help with the bills - and even then - our electricity was momentarily cut yesterday for nonpayment. Two weeks after the accident (on my grandmother's anniversary of death) I lost my job because I couldn't handle all of the loss & depression. Oct. 25, 2008 I lost a life-long best friend, Kathie, in a car accident, Dec. 26, 2009 we lost her boyfriend who was driving the car when Kathie died. On Jan. 3, 2010 I lost an uncle, Jan. 25 my other life- long best friend, Petra, in a car accident, and then my Mom on Mar. 3, 2010 in a car accident.  These are just the recent major losses. I'm so lost right now. My brother and sister need me but how can I be strong for them when I feel like I'm losing it? I'm sorry for rambling on I doubt anyone will take the time to read this but I guess I don't have anyone to confide in anymore so I thought I'd pour it out here. Please just pray for us. On top of everything else we're afraid my step-father will run with my little sister because his family has rent home where they're from. She's made it clear she wants to be here with me and our maternal family since theyre basically all she knows, but I'm still trying to find work so if he pushes the issue what can I do? Her professional counseling team say she needs to be with me, yet I have multiple degrees and I can't find a job...please just keep us in your prayers. If anyone can relate and wishes to contact me, my email is crystal_durio@yahoo.com .

Permalink Reply by jane2hugh@aol.com on May 14, 2010 at 4:04pm

jane2hugh@aol.com said:

Crystal said:

On March 3, 2010 I lost my mother in an automobile accident. Momma was driving home from work when someone from out of state jumped the grassy median separating both Eastbound and Westbound lanes of I-10. We'd just hung up the phone 7 minutes before and her last words to me were, "I'm tired I'm going home. I love you." ...She made an eyewitness call me and inform me of the accident but I was so freaked out, my initial concern was getting to her as soon as possible. While speeding to her I tried calling her cell but there was no answer, so I called the witness back. He said he was still with her and she was conscious. I told him I was on my way - 5 minutes away - but I'd be there soon. Can you imagine, I never thought to ask him to tell her "I love you" or even talk to her. The next day the witness called to check on Mom and I let him know that she went into cardiac arrest while being transported to the hosital. Still upset not having said "I love you" one last time, he did tell me that I should find comfort in knowing that he had me on speaker phone and so she heard I was on my way to her...at the scene we weren't allowed to see her. Instead we were told to wait at a nearby gas station where a first responder/family friend on the scene would come give us news. By the time he showed up we'd already heard there was a fatality as this was a major accident and was plastered all over the media. When Mr. Thevis arrived he told us that it wasn't her and that she was ok despite having an open compound fracture on an ankle that needed surgery. I asked about the possibility of internal bleeding and he said she didn't present with symptoms. He advised us to take our time going to the hospital so we did. To make a long story short, she was diverted to the nearest hospital while we were told she was being taken elsewhere. We were too late...I'll never forget walking into the ER and having some lady grab both my hands as she led me to a chair...sobbing and screaming "no!" Two months later and I still can't wrap my mind around it all. It just doesn't seem real, it feels like a movie. I'm tormented with regrets, memories of vicious words once spoken, what-ifs, and the agony of wondering if she was scared  - she was a nurse so did she know the full extent of the situation? Add to this the fact that I'm a single 28 year old who's now raising my 10 year old sister. Her father lives here but does ABSOLUTELY nothing for her except for help with the bills - and even then - our electricity was momentarily cut yesterday for nonpayment. Two weeks after the accident (on my grandmother's anniversary of death) I lost my job because I couldn't handle all of the loss & depression. Oct. 25, 2008 I lost a life-long best friend, Kathie, in a car accident, Dec. 26, 2009 we lost her boyfriend who was driving the car when Kathie died. On Jan. 3, 2010 I lost an uncle, Jan. 25 my other life- long best friend, Petra, in a car accident, and then my Mom on Mar. 3, 2010 in a car accident.  These are just the recent major losses. I'm so lost right now. My brother and sister need me but how can I be strong for them when I feel like I'm losing it? I'm sorry for rambling on I doubt anyone will take the time to read this but I guess I don't have anyone to confide in anymore so I thought I'd pour it out here. Please just pray for us. On top of everything else we're afraid my step-father will run with my little sister because his family has rent home where they're from. She's made it clear she wants to be here with me and our maternal family since theyre basically all she knows, but I'm still trying to find work so if he pushes the issue what can I do? Her professional counseling team say she needs to be with me, yet I have multiple degrees and I can't find a job...please just keep us in your prayers. If anyone can relate and wishes to contact me, my email is crystal_durio@yahoo.com .

crystal,my heart goes out to you.i lost my father recently.i was able to tell him i loved him over the phone but could not be there because of health problems i could not travel.it is hard enough to lose someone when u know its coming but an accident is so much worse i think. i will keep u in my prayers.right now your little sis needs u more than anything and i think its gods way of keeping u busy with concerns of someone else.pour all u can into caring for her.it does help ease the pain.your mom knows u loved her and she called u so u could help your little sister-she knew u could handle it.the best thing u can do now is make her proud with the care u can give her.please try to attend greif counseling as much as u can.there are agencies out there that u need to contact concerning financial help with raising your sister.i would go to social security personally if u havent already done so concerning getting your sisters check on your moms social security.it is hard losing a job due to the greiving process.i dont know if this would fall into the family leave act.i think you should contact a lawyer regarding this and let him know if you were fired because you were not given enough time to suffiecently care for your sister before returning to work.they may have to reinstate you.a lot of lawyers do not charge a consultation fee.i know it is hard to remember every thing to check when u lose someone u love-however-most banks,credit cards and credit unions have u covered for anywhere from 1,000-2,500 in accidental death.this is usually free and most people take advantage of it and add it to their account.check with all your moms banks,credit card companies etc. and let her know u are the survivor.it may not be a lot but if there are 2-3 accounts this coverage is on it adds up.

Permalink Reply by suzette on May 16, 2010 at 1:28am

I JUST LOST MY MOTHER APRIL 18, 2010. I WAS HER CARETAKER FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS SHE HAD DEMENTIA. SO I HAVE MISSED MY MOTHER FOR A LONG TIME NOW. EVEN THOU I KNEW IT WAS COMING SOON SHE WAS ON HOSPICE HERE AT HOME. I STILL FELT SHOCKED AND AM STILL LIVING IN A DAZE. I SPENT ALL MY SAVING STAYING HOME WITH HER, AS WELL AS MY TIME CARING FOR HER. I HAVE NO REGRETS. I'M JUST SO LOST WITHOUT THE CARETAKER TITLE AND INCOME FROM MEDICAID.
NOW MY LANDLORD TELLS ME I HAVE 30 DAYS TO MOVE HE SOLD THE HOUSE, I HAVE NO MONEY AND NO WHERE TO GO, I WANT TO GO BE WITH MY MOM BUT THAT WOULD BE SO WRONG TO MY CHILDREN. IT WOULD JUST BE WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS!!!!
I WISH I KNEW SOME CAREGIVERS FUND OR SOMETHING ELSA WAS AVAILABLE. I GUESS I'LL NEED TO VISIT THE WELFARE OFFICE OR SOMEWHERE. ANYONE WITH ANY IDEAS PLEASE HELP. I'M JUST A MOM MISSING HER MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Nicole on May 16, 2010 at 2:19pm

I am 35 years old.
I have 2 beautiful children.
I lost my dad after years of enduring his alcoholic abuse at 10 years old when he finally decided to take the easy route and shoot himself in the head, and leave us to find the bits. Nice.
My mom, after having a full mastectomy before this my dads decision to give up on his life, developed full blown cancer and today is the 20th anniversary of her death.
Every year since her death I have gone through a month or even two of the most unbelievable sadness. I struggle to live. seriously. and my friends who have heard this so many times before and who have never even been to a funeral change the subject when I even mention it.
I am open with my children about my sadness because I don't want them to be scared but I so desperately want to just be able to talk.
I have been in therapy for years. on and off medication with the same psychiatrist but NOTHING can cure the grief I feel. especially today..

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