Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jessica on September 16, 2008 at 7:04pm

I dont understand completely what you are going thru because each situation is different in different ways. I just lost my father on August 13th 2008. He was my best friend and i had always been a daddys girl. I had grew up in a home where i witnessed lots of abuse to my mother. I mainly seen emotional abuse but was aware of physical as well. My mother shot and killed my father in self- defense. I was the only other person at home that nite, having to drive my Dad to an ambulance. No one will ever understand my hurt or the tramatizing memory of that nite that i have in my head. Alot of things bother me about the whole situation. I cant hardly talk about it without bursting into tears. Its been a little over a month and i still break down crying almost every day. The last conversation i ever had with Dad was an argument, and that really bothers me because im afraid he never knew how much i loved him. I wish there was something i could say to help you but i myself am at a loss for words.

Permalink Reply by Thomasine Smith on November 1, 2008 at 2:33am

Jessica,

I have read so many experiences on this website. My heart goes out to each and every one who has lost a loved one in death. When I was reading your experience I wanted to write and offer you some words of comfort. However, I think I'll just let what is written in the Bible at Revelation 21:4 speak for me. It reads: And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death; neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things have passed away. That means that one day there will be no more death, pain or sorrow. One day the crushing hurt from losing a loved one in such a tragic way will fade. One day your heart will heal. How long will it take? I can't answer that, but, I can say that God's word is truth. Draw close to God, it will help. You can speak to him about anything. Eventually his peace will lessen your pain. Please let's keep in touch.

Permalink Reply by Jessica on January 15, 2009 at 12:40pm

Thank you for reading my story Thomasine Smith. I have tried to read bible verses to help ease the pain, and it does help sometimes. Ive also tried to think about all of "the good memories" of my Dad, but sometimes doing that makes me burst into tears as well. Yes lets please keep in touch.

Permalink Reply by Judy A. Wallace on September 28, 2008 at 2:19pm

I lost my Mom to breast cancer 21 years ago and the anguish I felt is still very real and ever present. We were very close and I still have trouble remembering her without that horrible empy feeling inside that comes from a loss to great to bear. That is my story. I have talked to people, read books on how to cope, been through counseling and everything else I can think of to gain some sort of insight. No matter what I do, this fact remains....nothing can change the fact that I lost my best friend and I have been sick with it every day since. I am empty inside and suspect I will be until my dying day. My only ray of hope....that I will see my Mom again in heaven. Hopefully sooner than later. Thanks for listening.

Permalink Reply by Cathy Patenaude on September 28, 2008 at 6:08pm

The void of losing my Mom two weeks ago is so huge. I had six months to say goodbye yet I it still doesn't seem like it was enough. I am thankful that I had that time and feel for you having not had the time. My Dad, too, is keeping us all going......what strength they both share. I have felt like I can't go on either but somehow, someway we must and we do. Mom's wouldn't want us to not go on and perservere. But, it is tough!!!!!!! Know that she is in heaven looking over and loving you still.

Permalink Reply by kim on October 2, 2008 at 2:41pm

Judy, God bless you- and I am so sorry for your loss, emptiness and pain you have experienced by the loss of your mother so many years ago. My mom died, unexpectedly, on Sept. 12, my 36th birthday. my whole world has been rocked, and everyone says to me "it won't get better, but it may get easier with time". reading your post i know that i am not alone in the anguish i am sure to feel for the rest of my life, and anguish is a very appropriate word. i can't answer a "how are you doing?" without bursting into tears. How am i doing? i lost my mom, best friend, and only ally in my life-how does everyone THINK I'm doing? and i think that the best day will be when i see my mom again, and, similar to you, hopefully that is sooner than later. i've read so many of these posts and people experience loss after loss, this is my first loss. the first close relative, friend, person in my life who dies, and it's my mom. i don't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. i can't imagine 21 more years on this earth without my mom, and selfishly, i pray for the Resurrection of Jesus Christ to happen soon so i can be with her before then.
Despite my despair, I am hoping peace finally finds all of you...kim

Permalink Reply by Thomasine Smith on November 1, 2008 at 2:51am

DEATH is an enemy of life of that we can be sure. However, victories over death are also possible. I mention this because of your reference to a resurrection. God, who cannot lie, assures us in his Word at Acts 24:15 “that there is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous [persons who knew of and did God’s will] and the unrighteous [ones who did not practice righteousness].” So until that time, there are some things we can do to cope. Praying to the God of comfort can help. Communicating your feelings like you are doing on this forum can also help. Crying can also help. Don't be afraid to cry, tears can help us to heal.

Permalink Reply by Melinda on October 2, 2008 at 2:57pm

My thoughts and prayers go out to all whom have lost a parent. I lost my father in June of 2007 and the hurt is still amazingly overwhemling that i still have to remember to breath. Everyone time to time says to me time will heal. I dont mean to be rude but i want to say you have never lost a parent. My father was my dad, best friend, hero and i could just go on and on. He was my whole world. So when someone says tim will heal they are full of it. The only thing i can say about time is that; time has no mercy, time changes nothing for me just to know what my dad is missing with me. I just cant wait to look on the bright side of things. I just keep dwelling on the what if, what could of been, etc. I know that is not good. I have two little children and i have to put a happy face for them and then a sad face when i am alone. It is hard emotionally being two people. If you have see my page i have had a lot of death over the last year, and have recently last month lost my nephew to suicide. How do you deal with that. Each death brings up an amazing amount of feelings, but all end in the same feeling of loss. Thanks to all for listening.

Permalink Reply by Karen B on October 2, 2008 at 8:21pm

Well here it is nine weeks since my Dad took his last breaths.
I'm not sure how to deal any more. My husband says I have had long enough to get over this and I need to get on with my life and stop shutting him out. I don't think I know how to do this. He lost his father about 7 years ago and I did not know him then. I don't know how he dealt with it but I know when we met about a year after his fathers death he would still cry about it at least once a week. So I guess I feel like he has forgotten that, and when I remind him he says "well at least I didn't shut out the people in my life." All I can say to that is "well good for you." I am trying to keep up the strong side of me but there are times when it seems just about impossible.
I have 2 young kids to tend to and now I am the only one here to take care of my Mom. I guess I do shut him out somtimes but there are times when I feel like I just need space to cry and feel these feelings and not be judged or told to stop crying. I miss my Dad so much that at times it physicaly hurts.
I don't know if he will have the patients to let me have my space and try to deal with my mixed up emotions. I guess only time will tell.

Permalink Reply by Denise on October 13, 2008 at 1:40am

HI, I know exactly what you mean, I just lost my dads 5 week ago, I cry everyday, I go to the cemetary 2-4 times a week, my dad was 88 yrs old been healthy all his life had only 1 operation, the doctors said his heart was strong he went to the emergency for having difficulty breathing the doctor said he's doing much better but i would like to keep him overnite just to make sure everything is ok then he'll be able to go home tomarrow, but the next day he got worse he had a massive stroke because of his blood presure would go high and then drop low, up and down. so because of the stroke he passed away, I don't care how old your parents are you want them around forever. THAT WAS MY DAD!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Steffanie Powell on October 2, 2008 at 10:01pm

I lost my best of friends and soul mate June the 2nd. It has been one of the hardest struggles of my life. When people expect for you to just "get over it" "move on with your life" they do not know what they are talking about. Everyone grieves differently and in their own time. Something that I have found that truly has helped me is a program called Grief Share. You should go to the website and see if there is a meeting in your area. I have learned so much and it is so comforting to be around people who understand what you are going through because they are going through it themselves. They would never try to rush your grief. I am enclosing the website below. May God Bless You with a little bit of peace everyday- and take your time in coming to terms with your Fathers passing. It is no one elses place to tell you when you should be "over it"

www.griefshare.org Please check it out!!!

Permalink Reply by Kelly McGee-Allen on October 2, 2008 at 11:22pm

My father died on June 4th, 2008. I had just seen him and his wife on June 1st at my youngest step-daughters high school graduation party, and he was fine. He looked healthy, was smiling and chatting with everyone, and even sat and had photos taken with the guest of honor, and with his two great granddaughters. Was I ever glad we had taken those photos!

Dad was only 67, and had had problems with cholesterol in the past, but his numbers had been down for over a year, and I had just asked him that day how his health was and he said he got a clean bill of health from the doctor and everything was fine. I hugged him goodbye, told him I loved him, and that I would be by to visit later in the week.

Three days later, I get a phone call at 3:48 pm and his wife is on the other end saying "they just took your dad to the hospital they think he's had a heart attack." I said I was on my way and I threw some clothes in a suitcase just in case and my 14 yr. old daughter and I were off to the hospital. (We live in Dixon, IL and Dad lived in Rockford, IL an hour north of us). By the time I reached the hospital ER an hour later, Dad was gone.

I talked to the paramedics who worked on him and they said the call came in at 3:15pm and when they arrived, they found dad unresponsive and breathing shallow. The said they bagged him, gave him a shot, he came around, said help me help me, then was out again. His heartbeat and vitals became erratic in route to the ER and they lost him in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

I"m the first to admit that I didn't visit dad as often as I should have since he remarried in 1992, but it didn't mean we weren't close. No matter what happened in my life, I could always count on my dad to believe in me and be there with a hug and unconditional love.

My step-mother has cut herself off from my brother and me since Dad's death. She got upset because my dad made my brother his beneficiary of his life insurance policy. Dad left his wife stocks and bonds and everything else, and he even had it set up in his will that everything be paid for out of his estate, so that my brother wouldn't have to pay for anything. Well, my step-mother called my brother on his birthday in July telling him that because he wasn't going to pay for dad's funeral out of the life insurance money he inherited, it just proved that he didn't care much for our dad.

Since then, she has gotten rid of everything of our dads without asking us if we wanted anything, and the one thing I did ask for, (a bible that belonged to my grandmother), she said I couldn't have until she died. She has shown a totally different side that she did when my dad was living, and I can't help but feel that dad was so deceived by her the 16 years they were together.

I run the spectrum of emotions from calm to weepy to angry. There are days I can't believe he's gone and then there are days I think the hurt will never end. I still cannot listen to certain songs that remind me of him, and I cannot watch certain movies or tv shows that have heart attacks in them.

A good friend of mine suggested I read "90 minutes in heaven" and that has helped, but I still feel like there's this huge hole in my heart that will never heal. It's so hard, because I know that my dad would want my brother and I to take care of his wife and be there for her and help her through this, but she won't let us. She had completely cut us out of her life; it's like after we buried our dad, we became persona non grata to her. I called to ask how she'd doing and she says it's hard because she has no one.

I feel like this boat out bobbing on the water with no direction half the time. My husband is great, but I still find myself crying myself to sleep and getting teary eyed when I think about my dad.

does it ever get any easier?

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