Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Vicki on May 16, 2010 at 3:29pm

Nicole said:

I am 35 years old.
I have 2 beautiful children.
I lost my dad after years of enduring his alcoholic abuse at 10 years old when he finally decided to take the easy route and shoot himself in the head, and leave us to find the bits. Nice.
My mom, after having a full mastectomy before this my dads decision to give up on his life, developed full blown cancer and today is the 20th anniversary of her death.
Every year since her death I have gone through a month or even two of the most unbelievable sadness. I struggle to live. seriously. and my friends who have heard this so many times before and who have never even been to a funeral change the subject when I even mention it.
I am open with my children about my sadness because I don't want them to be scared but I so desperately want to just be able to talk.
I have been in therapy for years. on and off medication with the same psychiatrist but NOTHING can cure the grief I feel. especially today..

Permalink Reply by Vicki on May 16, 2010 at 3:30pm

Vicki said:

Nicole said:

I am 35 years old.
I have 2 beautiful children.
I lost my dad after years of enduring his alcoholic abuse at 10 years old when he finally decided to take the easy route and shoot himself in the head, and leave us to find the bits. Nice.
My mom, after having a full mastectomy before this my dads decision to give up on his life, developed full blown cancer and today is the 20th anniversary of her death.
Every year since her death I have gone through a month or even two of the most unbelievable sadness. I struggle to live. seriously. and my friends who have heard this so many times before and who have never even been to a funeral change the subject when I even mention it.
I am open with my children about my sadness because I don't want them to be scared but I so desperately want to just be able to talk.
I have been in therapy for years. on and off medication with the same psychiatrist but NOTHING can cure the grief I feel. especially today..

Permalink Reply by Vicki on May 16, 2010 at 3:35pm

I know the feeling , sadness, anger , anxeity etc.... have you tried any support groups ? tried a different psychatrist ? sometimes you need to do that . my heart is with you . i'm 10yrs into my parents passing & still have some of those feelings & with alcoholics it's hard . have you gone to Alanon ? yes friends don't get it , because they have not gone through it yet . are you a single Mom ? or is your husband supportive > I'm trying hypnosis now , it seems like its helping , My best to you . Vicki

Vicki said:

Vicki said:

Nicole said:

I am 35 years old.
I have 2 beautiful children.
I lost my dad after years of enduring his alcoholic abuse at 10 years old when he finally decided to take the easy route and shoot himself in the head, and leave us to find the bits. Nice.
My mom, after having a full mastectomy before this my dads decision to give up on his life, developed full blown cancer and today is the 20th anniversary of her death.
Every year since her death I have gone through a month or even two of the most unbelievable sadness. I struggle to live. seriously. and my friends who have heard this so many times before and who have never even been to a funeral change the subject when I even mention it.
I am open with my children about my sadness because I don't want them to be scared but I so desperately want to just be able to talk.
I have been in therapy for years. on and off medication with the same psychiatrist but NOTHING can cure the grief I feel. especially today..

Permalink Reply by white dove on May 16, 2010 at 5:56pm

Dear Suzette, I have suffered thru some of these same issues after my mom passed. Caring for her WAS my job! We also did home hospice.. which NO ONE ever mentioned anything about our "residual" things that hit us after.. WOW is all i can say on that. I fell into a horrible financial hole too. And what i can suggest is: yes.. go to all the county offices you can find now, i don't know what state u live in but there is also help for your utility bills and also health insurance if u are not insured now. Last but not least.. someone suggested i go to a Church for help. When i did.. i was very surprised. One helped, then sent me to another and then to another! There is much available to u dear. Someone told me "seek and you shall find". I know its very humbling to do this, but think of it as a glitch now that is temporary. You will make it through, I did and am still working on it~ * Blessings and prayers said for u!

suzette said:

I JUST LOST MY MOTHER APRIL 18, 2010. I WAS HER CARETAKER FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS SHE HAD DEMENTIA. SO I HAVE MISSED MY MOTHER FOR A LONG TIME NOW. EVEN THOU I KNEW IT WAS COMING SOON SHE WAS ON HOSPICE HERE AT HOME. I STILL FELT SHOCKED AND AM STILL LIVING IN A DAZE. I SPENT ALL MY SAVING STAYING HOME WITH HER, AS WELL AS MY TIME CARING FOR HER. I HAVE NO REGRETS. I'M JUST SO LOST WITHOUT THE CARETAKER TITLE AND INCOME FROM MEDICAID.
NOW MY LANDLORD TELLS ME I HAVE 30 DAYS TO MOVE HE SOLD THE HOUSE, I HAVE NO MONEY AND NO WHERE TO GO, I WANT TO GO BE WITH MY MOM BUT THAT WOULD BE SO WRONG TO MY CHILDREN. IT WOULD JUST BE WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS!!!!
I WISH I KNEW SOME CAREGIVERS FUND OR SOMETHING ELSA WAS AVAILABLE. I GUESS I'LL NEED TO VISIT THE WELFARE OFFICE OR SOMEWHERE. ANYONE WITH ANY IDEAS PLEASE HELP. I'M JUST A MOM MISSING HER MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by E.R. on May 20, 2010 at 12:45pm

removed. in wrong place, I think

Permalink Reply by rebecca cook on June 5, 2010 at 3:36am

i am 33 years old. i just lost my mom on feb.24,2010.i can,t sleep. i just don,t want to do any thing.my mom was my best friend! she was my world.know she is gone and how do i carry on with out my mom?i feel dead on the inside.i just wish it was a bad dream but it's not she is realy gone to heaven. my mom was only 57 years old. she had alot of health problems. but her heart stoped we where not thinking that she would leave us that way.i thought her kedneys would be what stoped. she was on kedney diyalise.i just want my mom back.i hurt so bad.i just ask my self why. my heart is in a million peices .how do i go on living with out my mom?

Permalink Reply by curtis johnson on June 6, 2010 at 7:38pm

my mom died about 6 weeks ago ,i cried alot when it happened and during the funeral but when i got home after a few days i could not cry anymore, is this normal?

Permalink Reply by Veronica (James) Eliscu on June 15, 2010 at 2:03pm

Sounds like medical negligence to me. I lost my Mom to some really bad medical negligence, and am taking legal action. I also feel I cannot go on, and you DO have a choice in the matter. Get a lawyer, and go after them! There is just too much of this sort of thing happening, and patients have RIGHTS!

Permalink Reply by Chad on June 28, 2010 at 12:35pm

Julianne,

I lost my father on 09-16-09 he went in for a routine sugery on his intestine.. 72 hours later he lay in a bed at Mayo Clinis Phx AZ his third hospital in this 72 hour period.. My father was on a machine called ECMO a machine that takes place of his heart as it no longer worked. Needless to say he never woke up.

My father only said a few words before he died and I will share what he said.. He was lying in his bed in the hospital when he awoke and said as clear as a bell "it's beautiful" The four of us in the room all said what is beautiful dad? He replied "Home is beautiful" those where the last words I heard my father speak.

I hope that time will help you and me as we both cope with loosing our parent.

Your mother is watching over you and your fog will clear give it time...

Chad

Permalink Reply by Susie D on July 27, 2010 at 9:55am

Can anyone give my advice on how to help my Dad? My mum died unexpectedly 4 weeks ago-I have coped with that and can accept it, she was badly disabled and her life was pretty rotten at the end. But I don't know what to do to help Dad. He keeps ringing me up and sobbing hysterically down the phone and saying he can't go on-I don't think he'd do anything, he promised me he won't, but I don't know what to say and do to help him. He can't stand to be in the house alone.Me and my sister both work full-time, my sister also has kids. We have a brother who is as much use as a chocolate teapot, and dad doesn't want to see him anyway. Please give me any tips at all on how to help him-he won't speak to a bereavement counsellor-thats not his way ay all! The stress is starting to make me ill-I feel sick all the time, I dread the phone ringing, I actually like being at work cos I feel he won't bother me there-and I know its wrong to say BOTHER" cos he's my Dad! please can someone give me a glimmer of hope that this won't last forever?

Permalink Reply by Nita Pop on August 11, 2010 at 11:56am

Hi Susie,

Quick background to help. My parents remarried and were both widowed. I became a widow in Oct 2009. My dad went through very similar things. My heart goes out to you, as I walked a mile in your shoes. Here's what helped us to help him. We made sure he ate properly. When your brain doesn't get enough glucose, it can't think straight. Leave snacks (that he likes) around the house. This will help him think more clearly. Next, is he online? Have him check-out Widow Net and Widow Chick at Facebook. If he's not online, call some local churches and ask about their widower groups. Some have just female widow groups, some have both. Just him knowing that he's not alone and he's going to make it makes all the difference in the world. Please understand, I lost my dad in 2004 to cancer. I thought it was the worst pain I could ever know. However, I was able to return to my life, job, home, some hint of a life. For my dad, my stepmom passing (and now for me, my husband passing), it's a whole different level of grief. It's like your life died when your spouse did. Everywhere you look, your life is broken. You've lost your reason for living in many ways. You feel like you're dying inside yourself. Right now, your dad needs as much human contact as possible to help him feel like he's not alone. Telling him that you need him to go on helps, as a child. It gives them some reason and level to go on. After some months, I was able to talk my dad into finding a church nearby to get him out and where there would be groups to help him keep going too. I started asking him what he liked, what his passion was? Helping others often helps us forget our own pain too. I know it's hard as his daughter to see him suffer so and feel so helpless to help him. Sometimes, just let him cry it out is best, especially in the beginning as there are so many adjustments. Then, shift him into a place of being grateful for your mom's love and all the years together. This will give him a way to see how he can go on and not feel like he's leaving her behind, abandoning her like he also might feel on some level. Get those curtains open when go for visit. Think about all your mom did and clean his house once a month to pull him out the visual of I can't do what my wife did, and I don't if I knew how to in my weakness/broken heart. Susie, he will get better. You just have to keep telling how much you need him and shift him into a proactive position, in baby steps that he can handle. If he can do any kind of creative project, it releases his emotions in a way that's real hard for men. They're taught not to cry, to buck-up and be a man. So male friends are harder to turn to for help. Asking your dad for a favor and his help in a project will help him feel valued and stronger than he realized. Spend the night, if you can, from time to time. Show him it's possible to have a life outside mom, though it may not be desired right now. Fill his home with all the love, hope, and favors you can manage. In doing so, he will snap out of it. Over time, I got my dad to go by himself cross-country visiting family. He even did a musical fundraiser for a family member. It gave him great courage and hope, exactly what they're missing in these toughest hours of his life. I'm so sorry for both your losses. I know both your pain too. I want to offer you hope and the message that it will get better. Time heals...But, with a brokenheart wound, TLC and pointing the way to people + a new purpose is key. Hugs and your mom would be so proud of you. Here if you need me and hope it helps. P.S. Teach dad it's ok to laugh too...Try to gently bring-up some of those side spitting memories. As a widow or widower, you never think you'll laugh again and you forget home. Laughter is good medicine, as well. Help him refocus on the good to heal, more than the bad that destroys. I'm sure you're mom would have wanted this, like my husband wanted this for me, and that you/your family all do too.

Susie D said:

Can anyone give my advice on how to help my Dad? My mum died unexpectedly 4 weeks ago-I have coped with that and can accept it, she was badly disabled and her life was pretty rotten at the end. But I don't know what to do to help Dad. He keeps ringing me up and sobbing hysterically down the phone and saying he can't go on-I don't think he'd do anything, he promised me he won't, but I don't know what to say and do to help him. He can't stand to be in the house alone.Me and my sister both work full-time, my sister also has kids. We have a brother who is as much use as a chocolate teapot, and dad doesn't want to see him anyway. Please give me any tips at all on how to help him-he won't speak to a bereavement counsellor-thats not his way ay all! The stress is starting to make me ill-I feel sick all the time, I dread the phone ringing, I actually like being at work cos I feel he won't bother me there-and I know its wrong to say BOTHER" cos he's my Dad! please can someone give me a glimmer of hope that this won't last forever?

Permalink Reply by Diamond on September 18, 2010 at 11:24am

Hello,

Your Dad is probably having a hard time as it seems so final. The fact that your Mom is gone with no hope of ever seeing her again is so painful. However, if he has a belief inthe Bible this can truly bring him some comfort. God did not create us to suffer and to be in emotional turmoil or pain. He does give us hope or the future under conditions that will wipe aways all badness and pain. Revelation 21:3,4.
John 5:28,29.

This system as we know it is not all there is to life. God will wipe away the wickeness and bring about a Kingdom that will replace this corrupt system with true joy, peace and happiness. Daniel 2:44. We will be able to see our love ones again. The scriptures will bring comfort to your Dad. Your Mom is no longer suffering she is in God's memory. She is not in a state of suspension or trying to find a place to rest - she is resting. Ecclesiastes 9: 5,6. God original purpose for man was to live forer - the dying process is due to man's disobedience to God.

So if you father is a Bible reader - have him take comfort in whathe knows will relieve some of his pain. Do your father believes in the resurrection? It is a comfortin thought to know that the Almight Creator can bring our love ones back to life. So I hope, if your Dad is a Bible reader - that he will turn to the scriptures for comfort.

Thanks









Nita Pop said:

Hi Susie,

Quick background to help. My parents remarried and were both widowed. I became a widow in Oct 2009. My dad went through very similar things. My heart goes out to you, as I walked a mile in your shoes. Here's what helped us to help him. We made sure he ate properly. When your brain doesn't get enough glucose, it can't think straight. Leave snacks (that he likes) around the house. This will help him think more clearly. Next, is he online? Have him check-out Widow Net and Widow Chick at Facebook. If he's not online, call some local churches and ask about their widower groups. Some have just female widow groups, some have both. Just him knowing that he's not alone and he's going to make it makes all the difference in the world. Please understand, I lost my dad in 2004 to cancer. I thought it was the worst pain I could ever know. However, I was able to return to my life, job, home, some hint of a life. For my dad, my stepmom passing (and now for me, my husband passing), it's a whole different level of grief. It's like your life died when your spouse did. Everywhere you look, your life is broken. You've lost your reason for living in many ways. You feel like you're dying inside yourself. Right now, your dad needs as much human contact as possible to help him feel like he's not alone. Telling him that you need him to go on helps, as a child. It gives them some reason and level to go on. After some months, I was able to talk my dad into finding a church nearby to get him out and where there would be groups to help him keep going too. I started asking him what he liked, what his passion was? Helping others often helps us forget our own pain too. I know it's hard as his daughter to see him suffer so and feel so helpless to help him. Sometimes, just let him cry it out is best, especially in the beginning as there are so many adjustments. Then, shift him into a place of being grateful for your mom's love and all the years together. This will give him a way to see how he can go on and not feel like he's leaving her behind, abandoning her like he also might feel on some level. Get those curtains open when go for visit. Think about all your mom did and clean his house once a month to pull him out the visual of I can't do what my wife did, and I don't if I knew how to in my weakness/broken heart. Susie, he will get better. You just have to keep telling how much you need him and shift him into a proactive position, in baby steps that he can handle. If he can do any kind of creative project, it releases his emotions in a way that's real hard for men. They're taught not to cry, to buck-up and be a man. So male friends are harder to turn to for help. Asking your dad for a favor and his help in a project will help him feel valued and stronger than he realized. Spend the night, if you can, from time to time. Show him it's possible to have a life outside mom, though it may not be desired right now. Fill his home with all the love, hope, and favors you can manage. In doing so, he will snap out of it. Over time, I got my dad to go by himself cross-country visiting family. He even did a musical fundraiser for a family member. It gave him great courage and hope, exactly what they're missing in these toughest hours of his life. I'm so sorry for both your losses. I know both your pain too. I want to offer you hope and the message that it will get better. Time heals...But, with a brokenheart wound, TLC and pointing the way to people + a new purpose is key. Hugs and your mom would be so proud of you. Here if you need me and hope it helps. P.S. Teach dad it's ok to laugh too...Try to gently bring-up some of those side spitting memories. As a widow or widower, you never think you'll laugh again and you forget home. Laughter is good medicine, as well. Help him refocus on the good to heal, more than the bad that destroys. I'm sure you're mom would have wanted this, like my husband wanted this for me, and that you/your family all do too.

Susie D said:

Can anyone give my advice on how to help my Dad? My mum died unexpectedly 4 weeks ago-I have coped with that and can accept it, she was badly disabled and her life was pretty rotten at the end. But I don't know what to do to help Dad. He keeps ringing me up and sobbing hysterically down the phone and saying he can't go on-I don't think he'd do anything, he promised me he won't, but I don't know what to say and do to help him. He can't stand to be in the house alone.Me and my sister both work full-time, my sister also has kids. We have a brother who is as much use as a chocolate teapot, and dad doesn't want to see him anyway. Please give me any tips at all on how to help him-he won't speak to a bereavement counsellor-thats not his way ay all! The stress is starting to make me ill-I feel sick all the time, I dread the phone ringing, I actually like being at work cos I feel he won't bother me there-and I know its wrong to say BOTHER" cos he's my Dad! please can someone give me a glimmer of hope that this won't last forever?

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