Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Donna Scharrett on December 21, 2008 at 12:39pm

My Mom passed away on Sunday, December 7, 2008. My 43rd birthday was the day after this event, and also the last time I was to ever see her again. My Dad passed away when I was an infant and Mom rasied the four of us completely on her own. She's the only parent I've ever known. I live away from my family, alone, having just gotten divorced this year - and I'm just not sure how I can cope with Mom's death, especially at Christmas, which was her favorite holiday & time of the year. I have some friends, of course, but they too have their families. I guess I just didn't estimate how alone I was bound to feel. If I could just sleep until after the New Year... I miss my Mom so much. I feel guilty if I laugh a little. Nothing is the same anymore.

Permalink Reply by Rita Huszar on January 2, 2009 at 6:48pm

Dear Donna..
Our Mom passed away on the 8th of December.. Christmas and New Year's has been more like a nightmare then a celebration. Now she would have been 75 on January 24th.. I feel guilty for everything too, but I know in my heart that she wouldn't have wanted that. She was full of life and loved it all.. We have to go on for them, as they sacrificed, and loved us so much. We just have to remember how luck we were that we had the best Mom's ever. Some people never get that chance. You're not alone as she's watching you from Heavan.. That's the only thing that keeps me going..
Nothing will ever be the same, but we have to go on as that's what she would have wanted!!! Remember how much you Loved each other... Hopefully, one day you will be reunited as I pray we will too..
God Bless you and I will put you in my prayer's tonight..
Rita

Permalink Reply by Michele on December 22, 2008 at 7:26am

Donna, I am sorry to hear about you loosing your mom. The one thing that get's me through each day is knowing that one day when I die, I will get to see my mom and everyone who believe's in the Lord as their Saviour. It is still hard, because I miss her physically being here.

Do you have any children that can help you through this time? I have had a hard time dealing with my mom's death that I went to a grief counselor. That was probably one of the best things I could have done for myself. Maybe that might help you out. Just remember the good times you had with your mom. Take care of yourself..... Michele

Permalink Reply by Donna Scharrett on December 22, 2008 at 2:49pm

Thank you Michele - I've considered a grief counselor too. I'm reading a few books on adult children losing a parent, but I believe human interaction is much better suited for me. Right, just the knowing that Mom was there, each time you picked up a phone was so comforting - and now, well.... I do believe she's eternal, but the selfish part of me wants her here in this dimension.

No, I have no children. May cats are great therapy though! I do have a man in my life, however, he's not equipped at this point in his own life to provide much to me. My friends are the saving graces. And people like yourself who give caring inspiration.

Permalink Reply by Jillian on December 22, 2008 at 2:40pm

My boyfriend of only 3 1/2 months. I quit my job moved out of my apartment and moved to Ness City from Cimmaron Ks,cuz he asked me to be with him an he helped me get a job the middle of October at the elementary school just lost his dad/bestfriend november 12th,2008. bout November 20th he came home from his dads after being there for three weeks. and he started shutn me out .not showing me affection that much.slowly the comunication started to disapear.well all i have been trieing to do was be there for him and his shoulder to cry on. But all i get is distance and bitterness and anger from him. well just last week he was In Larned at his sisters and i tried calling him an texting all evening an no response. then finally he text an said he is staying the night there. then all the sudden he text me an said i ave changed an he dont feel the same an had enough of the phone issues we had in the past. and so he thinks for the best its over an we just need to be friends. since he has been back home the last tree weeks it has been a mess .everytime i want to talk he just sits there. an i have been having to ask him for a kiss ,a hug, to cuddle. never use to before his dad died. we were always very affectionate towards eachother. but now this. i have no where to go. no money to move. i know he is hurting.he is a Sherrif he use to call his dad everyday to tell him how his day was. an now he cant.

when all i have tried to do was be there for hm an his shoulder to cry on. but all i get is bitterness distance. an ignored. i really dont feel the blame is on me. he is angery hurting so much he is makeing excuses. i dont think its far im the one that has to suffer. an move out.
we always promised each from day one no matter what through the good and the bad we will do what ever it takes to work things out. and the only thing that will ever split us up would be if one of us cheated on the other.an said to oneanother that i love you forever an ever. an he also told me he dont want to ever loose me. an he just told me 2 weeks ago he cant wait to marry me. how can i get him to understand and believe me whaen i say i dont want to loose you and to help him realalize he is hurting me by shutn me out and his excuses are just excuses why he wants it over.
Do i just give him his space an move out . an wait for him to call an talk. He told the other night he wont give up on me or us. just not right now he cant do it. an he loves me very much an cares about me.He asked me to move out. and said just give himspace an let him just be with his family right now during this hard time. help me i dont want to loose him. how do i get him to give a chance to be his shoulder to cry on. an really see i am here for him. should i just move to my Grandmas for a while .or wait an see. cuz i cant find a place here to rent. ther is nothing. the only option i have is to go to Oklahoma. help what do i do. he said he is not giving up on me or us but just nor right now. HELP HELP JILLIAN

Permalink Reply by Michele on December 22, 2008 at 3:06pm

Donna, I know what you mean about picking up the phone. I called my mom almost everyday to tell her what was going on with myself or her grandchild. When your parent dies unexpectantly, I think it is harder to get over because you were not prepared. If that makes sense. She was my best friend amd I just want her back.
It does help to talk about it I think sometimes and I am glad I found this site. Take care Donna.

Permalink Reply by James Hall on December 23, 2008 at 2:52pm

Donna, I know what you mean when you said your mom was your best friend. I lost my best friend(MOM) in the year 2003 and I still think of her everyday.My family is spread out over the country and not being that close at Christmas really is hard but talking about it makes it easier. Take Special Care Donna
Cordially
Jim Hall

Permalink Reply by Dalana on December 26, 2008 at 10:17am

Melinda,
I am so sorry for all of your losses.I know exactley how you feel 2007 was not a good year for me either I lost my Father in April of 2007 and my maternal Grandmother in August.I did not get a chance to say good bye to my father for I live in KY and he was in Oklahoma it has bothered me so much that sometimes I find it so ahrd to go and live my life because I dwell on the past so much. I did on the other hand get to be with my grandmother for 2 weeks before she passed with her we knew she was going my father died unexpectanlley from MRSA. I just have to tell myself that god had a better plan for them up there and they had lived their life to the fullest.Death is hard and I wil lnever fully grasp the ideal that my father and my grandma are gone but in the end they are ......keep your head up .....Dalana Parks

Permalink Reply by sunny on December 27, 2008 at 7:45am

dear friends and sisters,
iam doctar from india, recentaly, inthe month of august 14th 2008, i have lost my mom in bangalore,india, due to lung cancer, it such asudden loss, of my mother, me never expected my momther will have this disease and die its really un fortunate to loose my mother its reall pathetic to me and my family members, what to do its life,

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on January 1, 2009 at 4:05pm

Sunny, I am sorry for the loss of your mom. I can imagine your frustration when your a doctor and you must have felt so helpless. I thank you for visiting my sister Abigail's site and I hope you know I will keep you in my prayers. Cancer is a very nasty illness. I lost my dad to cancer in July 2006 6 months before he was ready to retire. Life can be so unfair. You and your family just lean on and appreciate each other and remember the good times. Stephanie http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx

Permalink Reply by Stacey on December 28, 2008 at 9:26pm

Hi everyone, I am new to this site and am so sorry to read of your losses. Honestly I feel a little guilty posting now as your losses are so recent and I lost my dad almost a year ago. Unfortunately, I feel as though it could have been yesterday. My dad was Mr. fixit, taught me how to do so many things that I wouldn't have to rely on a man. Well being divorced for about 5 years, that's been fine; except I did rely on a man, dad. God, I can't stand how much it hurts. On his birthday my sister made me go out with her, I got completely drunk and fell down some stairs fracturing my pelvis, and dislocating 2 discs, and you know what that's OK, the physical pain and the drugs helped me through his birthday. Now we are coming up on the anniversary of his death. He went to hospital 12-21-07 for an angiogram, I talked to him the morning of test and assured him I'd be there, I wasn't. Missed him by about 5 minutes, however the urgency wasn't high, it was just a test. This is a 66 year old man who had 3 vessel bypass over 20 years ago, survived lung cancer and partial lobectomy, chemo and radiation 15 years ago and as recently as 1-07 was diagnosed with appendicitis. However the surgeon refused to remove his appendix, she said his heart was not strong enough to sustain him through surgery. The hospital treated him with IV antibiotics for about 3 weeks, he was finally released but had a PICC line and had to infuse antibiotics at home for about 3 more weeks. He was able to accomplish this while going into work every day by 5 AM to be home at 2pm for infusion. He owned a construction business, no sitting at a desk. He recovered per usual against all odds. He finally got medicare and new cardiologist and complained of increasing shortness of breath. He was not well educated, certainly not medically and did not inform cardiologist just how bad his situation was. Due to radiation treatments for lung cancer, much of his heart muscle was also radiated and died. With appendicitis in beginning of 2007 his ejection fraction was about 20. His heart was working at 20 percent, no wonder he didn't feel great. Cardiologist says hey we can go in check things out maybe do some angioplasty, whip, bam, boom {as he would say}. Dad had cardiac arrest after the first stent. My brother was in waiting room when code blue called. My sister and I were outside. They told us that it was indeed his code blue but he had been resuscitated and was drugged for heart rest and ventilated as well. They took him to CCU where he remained 17 days. He would be in and out of consciousness, usually due to drugs as he was a pain for the nurses. He was unable to talk because of tube, and I guess he may have gone a while without oxygen because all he could do was scribble. He seemed to understand everything and communicated with his eyes, facial expression, or if all else failed he'd kick you. His scribbling was just up and down, and he'd be so upset that what was so plainly obvious to him was not being understood by us. I thought the first letter was an M, but nothing more. I made up some flash cards for him, seemed to work a bit, but still there was something important he needed to tell us. Suddenly the hospital told us there was nothing more they could do for him he needed to go to rehab to work on breathing on his own. They transferred him Monday January 7, 2008 about 8 pm, my sister and I followed the ambulance and I can still see him in that gurney looking so confused. We got to rehab and explained to him that this was improvement he was getting better. We left about 9pm. The next day at 12:52 he was dead. We don't know what happened, the rehab facility was very confused since he was there such a short time. In fact, the rehab requires a DNR {do not resuscitate} on all patients but because a Dr. hadn't even seen him yet, they did try to resuscitate. My brother and sister and I had already resigned ourselves to allow him to go in peace rather endure the painful resuscitation procedures. Dads luck, they still tried to no avail. None of us were there we arrived minutes after, he was alone. We decided on cremation and it seemed off he went. Then my brother made short work of disposing of his possessions at his house. "Whatever you don't take gets thrown away or goodwill" I ended up taking as much as my car could hold and then some, which is double edged because now when i walk in my house half his furniture is here. Going through his garage my brother found an 'empty' coffee can, ready to toss into trash like most of his stuff, but for some reason he opened the can. It contained 20,000.00, i figured he may have being trying to write "money". We also found about 2,000.00 more in his kitchen in a drawer in 3 stacks. One for each of us, I guess. We took dad home to Nebraska to be buried. My son had some sort of flu and vomited the entire flight. The next day he was fine and we visited relatives. The following day was dads memorial. We all got ready, my son ironed our clothes, we were all dressed and then it hit me, i started vomiting etc. and climbed into bed there was no way I was getting out of there. My son tried to call my brother or sister to pick him and his sister up but no answer. So they stayed trapped in hotel with sick as dog mom. I guess we weren't missed; I ended up calling my mother about 11pm because I was afraid that I needed to go to hospital. Thank goodness I got better because she didn't call back until the next evening. The next day I felt much better and my aunt graciously took us to dads final resting place. My children left their trinkets, we said our goodbyes and we left. Our flight was the next day which of course started my daughters turn at the flu. We finally made it home, but nothing is remotely close to being the same. My sister and I had been very close, now its as if I am too painful to see or talk to. My brother, well I guess feels the same, or maybe they hate me for not going to memorial. Nobody ever asked why I wasn't there. I don't know if mom told them because I've talked to her once since memorial. Well I guess that relationship remained the same. I don't have friends, I work and go home to my kids. Now, I really have no resemblance of family {adult} or anyone to talk to. I started therapy, then my son started smoking pot so I sent him instead. I've tried books and tattoos but nothing seems to even start to fill this HUGE emptiness I feel. Now, going through holidays again without him, but now permanent, or anyone else in my family I think I may feel worse. I know that no one could have possibly read this entire thing, and I'm not sure if it helped or hurt as I sit here balling. But I did finally tell my story of how I feel, and how I don't ever think I'll feel right again. My dad was the man in my life, the glue in a seriously dysfunctional family, my hero, my role model, my everything.

Permalink Reply by Amanda on December 28, 2008 at 10:42pm

Hello! I am new to this website. I lost my father in March of this year, suddenly. I am 29 years old, and have a 2 year old son. My daddy was a wonderful man and I am a daddy's little girl and have been all my life. I am so blessed that we had such a good relationship. And even though his death was sudden, I know he knows how I felt about him, because we expressed it often. I miss him terribly and am finding it hard to move on. I came across this website searching for support on how to help my mother. She is struggling as we all are after the loss of her husband. I find myself stretched thin by all my responsibilities as a parent and trying to take care of my mother, and dealing with my own grief. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way. We talk on the phone daily and she likes for me to stay with her when ever possible. We also go out for supper probably weekly, leaving my husband home to care for my son. I find myself frustrated because I feel as though my mother would rather be my friend then a grandma to her grandson. And I am sad that my son is missing out on that bond.
Somedays I will be having a good day, and she will call crying and upset and I feel as though it just knocks the wind out of me. And when I am having a bad day I feel as though I can't go to her as a parent anymore. I have two brothers but she doesn't expect the same type of emotional support from them, and she is there for them in ways she is no longer there for me. I know I need to grow up, but it is hard to handle and wanted to reach out to see if anyone else has a similiar situation.
Thanks for reading
Amanda

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