Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by A R on December 29, 2008 at 4:25am

Hi everyone, First off I want all of you to know you all have my condolences..Im really sorry for all of your losses, but even though there gone..they were taken to a world above where they no longer suffer from an illness and are resting now.

Just recently 2 months ago i lost my grandma, growing up she was an important part in my life. She taught me right from wrong. Everytime we talked she would teach me something new. I helped her out alot, around her house, doing errands for her..basically in return of the most wonderfull conversations and advice she shared with me..i just helped her alot. She was terminally ill, but everyday she was up and ready for a day with her family. 3 months ago she had a surgery, it changed her so much to where she couldnt even walk without assistance anymore. 2 and a half weeks after her release from the hospital the signs of passing on started to show. She became quiet..and i knew..along with my family it wasnt going to be much longer. A week later on a sunday she began to show even more signs that she was ready to go. 4 days later was the worst day in my life. Her breathing became harsh to a point where she needed the respirator..she was taken to the hospital. A whole day my family and friends of the family were in the waiting room praying to god to let her stay until after the holidays. She told us all that she was tired of suffering..but we didnt want to let her go. The whole day the she was trying to slip into a coma so she can pass peacefully..unfortunately her body was fighting the medication so we cherished the time and enjoyed the last hours with her and said are goodbyes which was hard. Most of the family/friends were in the waiting room while my other few family were in her room. I was starting to fall asleep when my cousin ran into the waiting room and said "shes starting to go..". We jumped up from our seats and ran to her room and by the time i turned to the hall everyone in our family to the friends of our family were crowding and rushing in..By the time i got in there the nurse gave her the last dose of the medication..2 minutes later she slipped into a coma. 10 minutes of her sleeping were hard for us to watch but we all knew she wanted us to be there. For those 10 minutes everyone kept looking at the LCD which displays the heart beat/pulse etc..her heart and her pulse rate were slowly going down. During the last minute..everyone looked up..the LCD then showed a message displaying that there was no longer a heart beat or a pulse..it was one of the most saddest things i've ever seen. That day i lost someone who was both my grandma and my mother..and im not sure how this year is going to turn out.

Permalink Reply by helen hill on December 31, 2008 at 8:06pm

my dad death is very hard on me.he pass away on sept.26 2008 it's still very hard to talk about it.he was my everything.befofe they call him in the back to be check he called me on my brother cell phone,and was talking to me.by the time i got there they had already put life support on him.it is so hard i don't know if i'm writing my story right.my hardest is that he call me on the phone and i wasn't there in time to finish our talk.some body please please help me.

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on January 1, 2009 at 4:17pm

Helen, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. It has not been long and the holidays make grief so much more pronounced and nothing I can really say can ease your pain but I hope I can lend you a shoulder and say a prayer for you. I was on the way to see my sister and decided to go the next day and I regret I did not spend those last minutes with her. I have to trust it was the Lord's decision that I was not there but I still have that regret. I just created my sisters memorial site and that has really helped me work thru a lot of grief so you might think about doing that. It is hard to get through it but it gave me a sense of peace after I put it all on paper. Please don't worry how you word your comments on this site we are all here for the same reason SUPPORT. Stephanie http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx

Permalink Reply by Shauna on January 21, 2009 at 1:02am

On 12/28/07 my two children and I were out shopping when my dad called me on my cell phone at 3pm. I didn't answer his call because I was making a purchase in a store and decided I'd call him back later. I regret that decision every day. While I was driving home I tried to call him back but didn't get an answer and since I knew he was probably out of range just assumed I'd talk to him later. At 9pm my brother called and his words still haunt me "Dad didn't make it". He died in his truck of an apparent heart attack about 3 hrs after he called me. Although he had heart problems the past year this totally caught me off guard. We had just taken him to see a new cardiologist and pulmonologist and he had been feeling really good so I never expected to lose him so suddenly. All my life I've feared my dad's death and then it happened. I cried for days. I couldn't speak to anyone other that family members. My husband had to call my manager for me because I physically could not discuss it. I had people call to offer condolesences and I couldn't utter a word. I have 5 siblings but I don't think anyone can understand your loss exactly as you do. Everyone's relationships are so unique. I am normally a very strong individual so this weakness has been really hard on me. I relied on God to get me through day to day. After 3 months I would still just burst into tears at work, at church, even at the tax preparer's office for no apparent reason. So after prayerful consideration I decided to try anti-depressants. That has made a huge difference for me. The pain hasn't gone away but at least I can function now. I still cry but only when it's appropriate. I think back now to why didn't I take his call but even if I had, I wouldn't have known it would be the last and I wouldn't have said anything that would make it better now.

Permalink Reply by Gina on January 8, 2009 at 1:00am

On what seemed to be such a normal day July 6, 2005. I went into work for a training, at the time I had just been hired at a Hospital. On our lunch break an RN in the elevator looked at me and asked if "I was Mike R's daughter" I said yes, and asked why. She replied with "Oh he's in the ER" I thought to myself, you've got to be kidding me, he had just been discharged the prior Saturday! She said that I had nothing to worry about, because he was only in to receive fluids, (he had a stomach bug which he caught from me the day before) So I thought nothing of it, and went on to eat my lunch, and figured I'd go bust his beans when I was done....I went into the ER and saw that my Father was on a Ventilator. Now I'm only a CNA, but it's common sense that when you're being re hydrated, there is NO NEED to be on a vent. I asked my Mom and my Nana what had happened. They simple said that he was fine one minuted, and on his way back from CT he crashed. Long story short, he had a Cerebral Hemorrhage. We decided as a family, since NOTHING worked, that enough was enough. At 6:50pm we had him removed from the Vent, at 7:23pm my Father took his last breath. He was 12 days short of his 47th Birthday. What kills me the most is that, my Father who had SURVIVED THREE Open Heart Surgeries all within 10 years. (Two Mechanical Valve Replacements, and a Pig Valve) He had numerous other ailments, but his head? There was nothing wrong! Until 6 weeks before he passed away he started complaining about really bad headaches, so bad that at night all the lights in the house had to be off, and he even wore his sunglasses!! He told his Doctor WHO DID NOTHING! He asked another Doctor of his to run a MRI, but the images did not come out clear, BUT his Primary said they were NEGATIVE! Trust me, as I said, I'm not a Doctor, but I know what a "clean MRI" verses a "BAD MRI" is! Nothing could be read off of it, but yet his doctor said it was fine! He basically killed my father...I now, because of this Doctor, will not have my Father at my Wedding some day to walk me down the aisle, nor will be play with my Children, he will miss out on all the important things that a woman goes through as she grows up. My brother was able to share all of that with my Father, and I won't be able to! I'm so torn up about the situation, but feel as though I can't talk to my Mother about it, for fear that it will only cause her more pain. She is so torn up about this as well. If it were a heartattack, we would at least be a little more "excepting" I guess, but the way he died...a Cerebral Hemorage?! Has killed all of us....

Permalink Reply by Jana on January 10, 2009 at 10:30am

don't know where to start. A very good friend of mine is going
through a tough time. He works overseas, but his parents are here in
the states. At 78 his dad seems to be losing the battle with
lymphoma. Around mid December, the Red Cross flew my friend home on
an emergency flight. It seems that the docs thought his dad was near
the end. His dad stayed in the hospital for 15 days and then went
home. During that time, my friend didn't call, email,
nothing...although he we had planned some holiday time together. I
had cancelled other plans for him....but of course, we didn't know
his dad would take such a drastic turn. Although he is my "friend",
we often acknowledge each other as boyfriend/gfriend. I might add
that we are not teenagers, both are in our mid 40s! Now, he went back
overseas to work without a word...still no communication. He warned
me months ago that he wouldn't handle "that time" very well. He has
been sadder and sadder over the past months and closing himself off
more and more...just throwing himself into work so as not to have
time to think! He admitted to me that his emotions have been on the
surface and he has cried a lot. As I told him, let the tears flow; it
makes him no less of a man! I really care about him and miss him so
much. Should I be mad at him? Some people say his actions...or lack
thereof are inexcusable during the holidays. Yet, I continue to miss
him and try to give him space, time, and the benefit of the doubt.
When he arrived to the states, he immediately came to my office to
surprise me, although he had traveled via plane over 30 hours and
then stayed at the hospital all night...yet that was the only time I
saw or heard from him. I have tried to research middle aged men's
reactions to their dad's terminal illness, grief, etc. Have any of
you experienced anything similar? During the holidays, I wrote emails
a few times saying "thinking of you and your family", etc....but I
know he didn't have internet access, as his dad had it disconnected.
Yet, he did have my home and cell #s! I lost my mom 5 years
ago...suddenly in my arms she died. Her death rocked my world. I
grieved then and still do...always will. Time lessens pain, but never
erases it. My dad was also sick during the holidays, ended up in
ICU, but in another town from my friend's dad. I know that my dad's
time is limited, as he is in very poor health. As a woman, I tend to
reach out to others. I would want my "friend" to be there for
me...for anyone to be there for me. I like to talk, cry, talk. What
do men do??? How do they handle illness and death of a parent? I feel
like NOTHING to him. Alhtough I try to understand, his silence is
killing me and breaking my heart. Although I had hoped for a budding romance, most of all, I so miss his friendship and what we were, even from afar! Should I continue to send uplifting emails, instant messages, or what? ...or should I just disappear and think that my friend just hates me and wants nothing more to do with me? My life feels so empty without him.

Please help!

Permalink Reply by Rikke on January 16, 2009 at 12:07pm

Hi everyone! I am so glad I found this site because I am really needing some help! I lost my Mother juts 2 1/2 years ago when i was 26. After she dies I became pretty close to my father whom before I hadn't really been that close to. I felt like it was a blessing that we had gained such a great relationship. Last February he decided to start dating. I was excited for him and it was great to see him so happy. It wasn't very long till he found "The one" I was very supportive of him and this new lady but of course I could help but feel hurt when my mothers pictures were tossed in the closet and replaced by his new love. I dealt with it and continued to embrace the possibility of someone new in his life. After 3-4 months it became clear that his intentions were to marry this woman and that she was the only thing he cared about. It became extremely frustrating seeing him act like a totally different person when he was round her yet when he was alone with us he would become his usual extremely negative, grumpy self. I cant help but feel so much anger and bitterness when I see him off doing things that I know my Mom wanted to do when she was alive yet my Dad never wanted to. He keeps saying things well it was because of her health that we couldn't do that, yet she worked full time as a labor and delivery nurse up until the last 9 years of her life. I feel sad when I see him off doing things with her children and her extended family. Getting family pictures done, going on fun camping trips and enjoying numerous family parties. These are things that Ive always enjoyed doing, yet our family didn't do much of, especially since my moms passing. so its frustrating to see him off doing it with another family. This past November it became official and they are getting married in March which brings another concern. I feel that if he doesn't start being his normal self that their marriage is not going to last a year which worries me especially because this is her 4th marriage. Her first husband passed away and the other two ended in divorce. The main reason I am worried about this is because when My Mom died she left my dad with well over $250,000 in life insurance and 401K not to mention before she dies they owned everything they had which was a lot! Ive talked to my dad numerous times about the possibility of him doing a prenuptial agreement or trust that states that my Moms share or at least the life insurance would go to us kids when he dies. He refuses and gets so angry at me for bringing it up. He says we (his 3 kids) are being greedy by worrying about it. he told me that the reasons her previous marriages failed were do to the fact that there was no trust in the relationship and that he is not going to go into a marriage preparing for it to fail.He also stated that when he dies his first concern would be to take care of his soon to be current wife. We are all adults and so in his eyes we don't need anything and that we need to trust that she would do the right thing. He says that My Mom had life insurance was for him and she was never thinking of her kids, I call BULLCRAP! I know my Mom would have wanted that money to go to her kids when he died,not to my dads new wife and her kids! His soon to be wife is already planning on going part time and yeah It just doesn't sit well with me knowing that they are going to have such a high class wonderful life going on trips thatmy Mom would have loved to go on and her working part time, which was never an option for my Mom, all because his financial situation allows it to happen, which is all because My Mom died! As you can see I am very troubled and I don't know what to do! I can seriously see that if I can't move on and let this go that we will not have a relationship. I know its on my shoulders because I know my Dad doesn't care. I am an adult and married therefore he doesn't need to be a parent any longer. Meaning that he has a new family, and apparently we bring the worst out of him!

Permalink Reply by Sue on January 19, 2009 at 5:33am

My dad died 23 days after we found out he had Pancreatic cancer. That was on March 2, 2007. It is so very hard to this day. I was there with my Dad and Mom the whole time. I would not have been anywhere else. To see the strogest man I ever knew in the 23 days go to the weekest. Growing up I only remember my dad having back problems and having surgie and they said there is a 50% he could walk or not. The very next day he was up walking around and was fine. They first gave him 6 months to live. My youngest son was there to help. He told me mom if grandpa falls I can pick him up and I said that I didnt think he could but he proved me wrong. The same time my oldest son call and said that his girlfriend ( who had just had there baby) didnt want the baby and he needed me to take the baby for a while so he could get things together. I wasnt sure if I could take care of a 3 month old and also help with my dad. But I went and got her and didnt tell my mom I was bring her. But we were all glad I did. The day before he died when they brought he home so he could die at home. I took her in the room with me and said papa Annie is hear. The only sound that he made to anyone was to her. All the next day the baby was smiling and making sounds. My mom said that she was talking to me . I said no that she was not even looking at me she was looking up above my head. Not realizing that he was going to die later that night. The cat to was chasing things that were not there. We realize that the baby was smiling at the angles that were in the house. I am lost with out my dad. I dont even know what I am doing anymore. To me it seems like my family doesn't even talk about him any more. I know that everyone deals with death differently but my mom 2 days after he passed got ride of all his things. It real made me feel bad. There is not anything in the house of his so it dosnt feel like the same place. I asked for some of his cloths and she said I gave them all away. I told her I wanted to make a quilt out of them. So she found a few I love the quilt it is like having his arm around me. Also the night right after he passed she took his wedding ring off and gave it to me. I wear it around my neck. I also have a heart necklace that my boss got for me that hold ashes. It is hanging from the mirror in my car. So he is always driving around or flying with me. But still I feel so lost. Like a oyster that has lost it pearl. I was told it would get easier as time go by. But I keep waiting for it to get easier but so far it hasnt. I am even mess up at work. I am a caregiver and I dont even want to go work anymore and I loved my job. My writing is real bad right now it is late and I cant sleep. I can tell by the way I am writing I need to to. So I know how you all are feeling and I hope and pray that it get a little better for all. Thank you for letting me ramble.

Permalink Reply by Rita Huszar on January 19, 2009 at 10:43pm

Dear Sue..
I am truly sad for your loss. I thought I was going out of my mind, because my Mom passed away on Dec 8th, and I cry every day. My Dad died 31 years ago at the age of 46 and I never got over that.
I think your Mom just thinks that if she gets rid of your Dad's things, that she will begin to feel better. That she is going to go on. I know I look at my Mom's things and cry even more. We were very lucky when my Mom met her new man in her life we talked about Dad and had a few pictures around the house. He was never kept a secret, but I think Gus helped my Mom come to term with my Dad's death. You need to talk to her about how you feel, and maybe she will open up to you too. I'm sure it's very hard for her, but feels she has to move on. Don't forget it's a totally different generation. My Mom lost Gus 3 years before she passed to cancer, and I could never figure out how she went on, but she did.
Anyway, you should maybe try some bereavement counceling, but to be honest I don't think we ever get over our parents. Doesn't matter what age they were or we are..
I feel for you, and if you need to talk, please know that I would be more then happy to hear from you..
Rita

Permalink Reply by Sue on January 22, 2009 at 1:57am

Hi Rita
Thank you for replying.
This is a peom that I found on the web a few day after my father pass. I wanted to share it. This is how I was feeling the and now.

Darkness has come I'm alone in the night
Hiding my feelings Out of everyone's sight.

Despair fills my soul which as a fact is quite strange
because inside feels empty my feeling have changed

When you left I felt good like you wanted me to
I looked deep inside and there I found you

It felt like you were living in me
Giving me strengh to live and just be.

I felt honored and proud that you were my dad
That I was there your last days all the time you had

Brave and determined to get through this with pride
to keep the promise that I made as you died


Forgive me if I fall though I know there will be bad days
becauseI loved you so much in so many ways

As a father and friend, counselor and adviser
there never lived a man who could have possibly been wiser

I"m so sad and confued like a lost little girl
I feel like an oyster without its precious pearl

Because that's what you were all shinny and bright
who brightened each day and chased away the might

I'll never forget and I'll always miss you
But we'll meet again this just has to be true

With a love that strong had not even death can keep us apart
I love you Dad.

Permalink Reply by Jana on January 19, 2009 at 11:32pm

I don't know where to start. A very good friend of mine is going
through a tough time. He works overseas, but his parents are here in
the states. At 78 his dad seems to be losing the battle with
lymphoma. Around mid December, the Red Cross flew my friend home on
an emergency flight. It seems that the docs thought his dad was near
the end. His dad stayed in the hospital for 15 days and then went
home. During that time, my friend didn't call, email,
nothing...although he we had planned some holiday time together. I
had cancelled other plans for him....but of course, we didn't know
his dad would take such a drastic turn. Although he is my "friend",
we often acknowledge each other as boyfriend/gfriend. I might add
that we are not teenagers, both are in our mid 40s! Now, he went back
overseas to work without a word...still no communication. He warned
me months ago that he wouldn't handle "that time" very well. He has
been sadder and sadder over the past months and closing himself off
more and more...just throwing himself into work so as not to have
time to think! He admitted to me that his emotions have been on the
surface and he has cried a lot. As I told him, let the tears flow; it
makes him no less of a man! I really care about him and miss him so
much. Should I be mad at him? Some people say his actions...or lack
thereof are inexcusable during the holidays. Yet, I continue to miss
him and try to give him space, time, and the benefit of the doubt.
When he arrived to the states, he immediately came to my office to
surprise me, although he had traveled via plane over 30 hours and
then stayed at the hospital all night...yet that was the only time I
saw or heard from him. I have tried to research middle aged men's
reactions to their dad's terminal illness, grief, etc. Have any of
you experienced anything similar? During the holidays, I wrote emails
a few times saying "thinking of you and your family", etc....but I
know he didn't have internet access, as his dad had it disconnected.
Yet, he did have my home and cell #s! I lost my mom 5 years
ago...suddenly in my arms she died. Her death rocked my world. I
grieved then and still do...always will. Time lessens pain, but never
erases it. My dad was also sick during the holidays, ended up in
ICU, but in another town from my friend's dad. I know that my dad's
time is limited, as he is in very poor health. As a woman, I tend to
reach out to others. I would want my "friend" to be there for
me...for anyone to be there for me. I like to talk, cry, talk. What
do men do??? How do they handle illness and death of a parent? I feel
like NOTHING to him. Alhtough I try to understand, his silence is
killing me and breaking my heart. Although I had hoped for a budding romance, most of all, I so miss his friendship and what we were, even from afar! Should I continue to send uplifting emails, instant messages, or what? ...or should I just disappear and think that my friend just hates me and wants nothing more to do with me? My life feels so empty without him. It's been 5 weeks since I heard from him!!! BTW: his dad is very ill, but still alive here in the states; while my friend is back overseas working!

Please help!

Permalink Reply by Roxy on January 21, 2009 at 1:40pm

I lost my Dad 1 1/2 years ago. He was my best friend and I feel like I lost a part of me. I have a video that he is walking and talking on at it seems to be the only comfort for me.
He had lung cancer and he was in a coma for a week before he died. I left the hospital and he was alert and talking(he was very upset because he knew he was close to the end) at 10:00 one night and the next morning he was in a coma. I torture myself because I should have stayed with him and talked but I didn't. I was too scared and upset. I replay leaving him over and over and wish I would have stayed with him, comforted him and told him I love you.

He stopped drinking to keep our family together and would have had 30 year pin of sobriety with Valley Hope last March. He always did his very best when it came to his family. I feel like I didn't give him my best when it counted and can't seem to get past it. Any words of wisdom would help.

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